by J Q Anderson
The wind picks up and I shiver. Mark immediately takes off his sweatshirt and wraps it around me. The eternal gentleman, that was one of my favorite things about him. He doesn’t have to think about it, it is part of his DNA. I sit with my back against his chest and he wraps his arms around me. I close my eyes and breathe in traces of Ralph Lauren mixed with the ocean. It seems strange to be here, like this, after everything that’s happened.
“I’ve missed you, Nati.” Marc kisses my head and when I look up he dips his face and our lips meet. It is soft, tender and the taste is familiar. I close my eyes and let the memories invade me.
Marc makes love to me in the small cabin, the waves rocking us as they lap against the boat. It is not desperate like it was with Jake. Sex with Jake was savage, a primal thirst that needed to be quenched. Marc is gentle, different, and knows my body well. He pins me under him, sinking in and out of me, his eyes closed. Did he always close his eyes when we made love? I’ve never noticed it before. Jake’s eyes were always locked on mine, so intense. Why am I thinking about Jake now?
Later, I lie awake in Marc’s arms for hours while his chest heaves up and down peacefully. It would be easy to fall back into this. Let all the happy memories I have with Marc envelope me. We could start the family we always dreamed of. I could work part time, be a mother. I have always known life with Marc would be stable. I would want for nothing. Is that what I want?
In the morning we have breakfast at a small café overlooking the bay. The day is crisp and the wind has picked up, promising an easy ride home. We spend a few hours exploring more of the island. We walk around the Botanical Gardens and visit The Catalina Island Museum. At noon we eat a quick lunch before setting sail back to Dana Point.
By the time we make it back to my door it is nearly ten in the evening. It is hard to keep my eyes open. Marc wants to stay the night and I tell him it’s okay, though I need to leave early for work the next morning.
When we make love that night I close my eyes and don’t think. I am all sensation. Marc kisses every inch of my skin. He lowers himself on top of me then opens his eyes, searching mine.
“I love you, Natalia.”
I bring his mouth to mine and kiss him. I don’t say ‘I love you back.’ I don’t say anything. I still love Marc, of course. But I don’t know if it will be ever be the same between us. I close my eyes and let him love me, surrendering to the memories of our happy times.
The fresh aroma of coffee wakes me. I have to be at work in an hour, so I quickly rush through my morning routine.
Marc is already in the kitchen, showered and dressed for work. He’s tanned from the weekend and his blue eyes blaze against the russet tone of his skin. A familiar flutter swirls in my stomach. We have a quick breakfast in comfortable silence. I tell him I had a great time. It was good to see him. When I kiss him goodbye he pulls me into his arms.
“I’m going to England next week. I will be there for two weeks, then in Germany for one more. Come with me.”
Whoa. “What?”
“Come with me.” He takes my hands and looks into my eyes. “I love you, Natalia. I want to marry you. Come to England with me as my wife.”
I take a step back “Marc. I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Why? Because of what happened before?”
“Yes and no. I mean… I just can’t.”
“Nati.” He searches my eyes. “I know I’m an asshole for what I’ve done to you. I am so sorry. I am. I never wanted to hurt you. I was selfish. I wish I could take it all back. But I can’t. What I can do is promise you I will never hurt you again.”
“Marc. I can’t do this now.” I bite the tears. I have a sudden urge to run. This is too much.
“Just promise me you will think about it, then. I’m in love with you, Natalia. I want to take care of you. Give me another chance.” He presses a soft kiss on my lips.
“I have to go to work now. Can we talk about this later?”
“I have to be back in L.A. by noon. It’s not complicated, Nati. We had a great weekend. I want you back. We can make this work.”
I pull back so I can look in his eyes. “We did have a great weekend. But that’s not enough to make a decision about the rest of our lives.”
“Okay. Come with me and we will figure things out while we are away.”
“Marc, no. I have job interviews here. I can’t leave now.”
He watches me for a few moments. “Alright. When I get back then. I’ll come over and we can spend the weekend together. We can talk.”
“Marc… I… Shit. I’m going to be late.”
“I know you still love me, Nati.”
“It’s not that simple. I want other things, too.”
“Okay. Like what?”
“I want to start my career. I want to find a job and stay in San Diego.”
“Nati. Come on.” He pulls back a strand of my hair and tucks it behind my ear. “My job is in L.A.. We don’t have to go back to the Manhattan Beach house. I’ll sell it and we can buy another house together. You can find work anywhere you want.”
“You are not listening to me, Marc. I don’t want to live in Los Angeles.”
“Okay, look. We can work something out,” he says, pulling me back into his arms. “You are the most important thing to me right now. I will do whatever it takes, Nati. I love you. We can have it all back. We can make our future. Whatever we want, travel, kids. You can open a little shop on the beach. I want you to be happy. Just think about it, okay? Let’s talk when I come back from Europe.”
“Marc. I…”
He doesn’t let me finish and pulls me back into his arms.
“What can I do? What do you need from me?”
I press my face against his chest. “Space and time, I guess.”
He squeezes me hard and kisses my head. “Okay.”
On my way to work, I replay my weekend with Marc in my head. He’s given me more good memories to add to the old ones. Maybe he is right and we can make things work. I may even be able to forgive the cheating, leave that behind. I love him. But deep inside I also know things between Marc and me are different now.
Maybe that’s a good thing.
Do I want a new start with Marc? Or is it time to finally let go…
***
As the week comes to an end, the kitchen staff throws a party for all the interns. Everybody is in a great mood. Charlie will begin in his new position Monday and I tease him telling him he will miss me more than he thinks. He takes my face in his hands and his blue eyes are soft.
“Of course, I’ll miss you. The hoax will be up within a day. They’ll know I am only talented when you and I work side by side.” He gives me a soft peck on the cheek and I blush. I will miss Charlie.
Later we all meet downtown for drinks. Even Chef Pierre comes to celebrate with the staff. I hug him and thank him for everything he has done for me. He asks me if I have any more interviews and I tell him I had two more with the hotel in Del Mar and I am hoping they will call. He smiles.
By one in the morning, my head is heavy and I want to go home. I have another interview tomorrow and need to get some sleep. I wait at the curb for a cab. The first thing I will do if I get a job is lease or buy a car. San Diego is not like Buenos Aires when it comes to public transportation and it can take most of the day to get from one place to the next. It’s crazy. I would spend most of my salary on cab rides.
In the morning, my phone rings as I am waiting for the taxi that will take me to the interview at a hotel downtown. My heart stills when I recognize the number of the hotel in Del Mar.
Hannah from Human Resources tells me they are prepared to offer me a job as a Sous Chef. My heart is banging so hard against my chest I wonder if Hannah can hear it. I still have several interviews to take at other places, but this was my top choice. I know Chef Pierre has most likely pulled a personal favor since he is close friends with the Executive Chef there. Hannah tells me to come in the next day to get a to
ur of the kitchen. I call the hotel where I was about to have the interview and tell them I accepted another job.
The next morning I meet with the Executive Chef and he introduces me to the rest of the kitchen staff. After that I sit down with Hannah and she presents me with a formal offer. I accept it on the spot. I really don’t need to think about this any longer.
In the afternoon, I wonder listlessly around my apartment. Marc has respected the time I’ve asked him for and hasn’t called.
For the first time in a long while, I think about Jake. Tomorrow is his birthday and I wonder who he will spend it with. Did he move on?
I think of all the things Jake and I went through and the new possibilities Marc offered me.
My head spins.
Despite the chaos, there are two things I do know.
What Jake and I had was real.
But what Marc and I can build together is full of promise as well.
Chapter 34: Jake
Even after two days the image of Natalia and her ex is still branded in my mind. Why would she go back to that fucker. The thought that she’s already moved on torments me.
When I walk into Double Post, Grayson, the new manager I hired greets me with a smile. He’s the epitome of a surfer: long bleached hair, baked skin, and an easy smile. Not much gets in the way of Grayson’s untroubled demeanor. The amount of female customers has almost doubled since he started working here. I like him. He’s always in a good mood and keeps things light.
“Morning, boss. What’s happening?”
“Good morning, Grayson,” I mutter. Unlike Grayson, my moods roam at sea level. At the front counter, I scroll down the computer screen, scanning through yesterday’s transactions.
“Didn’t tell me it was your birthday, dude.”
I look up at him and frown. I didn’t tell anyone it was my birthday today.
“I told Pete to keep his mouth shut. Do the same, Grayson.” I focus back on the screen.
“Pete didn’t spill, man. The hot chick that was here this morning gave it away.”
This gets my attention. Hot chick? Shit. Pete introduced me to one of their new instructors at the club. I haven’t gone out with anyone since Natalia and I am not fucking interested. I curse Pete for telling her it was my birthday.
“She left you something.” Grayson smiles and gestures to my office. I shake my head. Fuck. Now I’m going to have to call her.
I push away from the desk and rub my forehead as I make the short way to my office. Grayson smiles and leaves to the back.
There is a white box on my desk. It’s not wrapped. Just a plain white cardboard box with a wide silk white ribbon around it. No card either. I pull the ribbon and when I open the box the aroma of fresh cookies hits me. I lift up the tissue paper and my chest constricts.
The box is full of those cookies Natalia used to make for me. Alfajores. I remember telling her I wanted them for my birthday. A whole box of them. There is a small white card on top. It simply says Happy Birthday. She didn’t sign it. She didn’t have to.
I am tripping. Is she thinking of me, or was this one of those sweet things she used to do all the time?
I have to find out.
That night Syd and Pete have me over for dinner. Syd even baked me a chocolate cake. I don’t tell them about the cookies. Since Natalia and I broke up I have respected her friendship with Sydney by not asking questions. I didn’t want to fuck that up for her, too.
We finish dinner and Syd leaves to put baby Mia down. Pete opens two beers, then plops on the couch across from me.
“Natalia stopped by Double Post today.” I keep my eyes on him as I take a long swig of beer.
He frowns. “What for?”
“She brought me a box of cookies.”
“Oh, yeah?”
“I told her once it was what I wanted for my birthday.”
Pete nods once, eyeing me.
“Tell me, man. Is she with someone?”
He shrugs. “I don’t know, Jake. Why don’t you ask her?”
“Don’t be an asshole.”
He smiles. “Syd doesn’t tell me anything, man.”
“Just tell me one thing. Did she get back together with that fucker? Her ex?”
Pete frowns. “No. I told you I don’t know, so stop asking.”
“You know, I keep raking my brain to figure out exactly when everything turned south. I think it was when Dillon said he was moving down to Argentina. Fucker.”
Pete nods. “She probably realized everyone else was moving forward except you two,” he says matter of factly. “You can’t blame her, Jake. You had to know that was going to happen sooner or later.”
I scowl at him. “Why? We had a good thing going. No broken promises, no plans that would’ve been abandoned later on.”
“Jake. You can’t seriously tell me you expected to keep it going forever. What the fuck, man? You can’t build anything without compromise. You have to be willing to take a fucking risk.”
“I’m not like you, Pete. I’m not cut out that way.”
“Why? Because of what your mother did to you a million years ago? No offense, man. But you need to stop living in the past and fucking get over it.”
I glare at him. Pete is the only person that can get away talking to me this way. I would have beat the shit out of anyone else for even bringing up my past, and Pete’s throwing it all over my face.
“It’s not something you can just get over, Pete,” I mutter.
“Yes. It is. And it’s your decision, Jake.”
I let my head hang and blow out a deep breath. “Shit, man. It’s too late for an intervention. I’ve fucked everything up.”
“So go fix it.”
“She said she loved me. It scares the shit out of me.”
“So what? It scares all of us, Jake. You just have to go for it.”
“I don't know, man. I don’t know how to give her what she wants.”
“She wanted you, Jake. That's all she's ever wanted. Offer Natalia a future, man. It's the only way out of this, even for you. Until you let go of the past you will be a fucking slave to your own demons. I know what your mom did to you was cold as fuck, but you've got to let it go, man.”
“Why would she want me, Pete? I’m nothing but a goddamn whore.”
Pete leans forward on his seat. When I look up at him his eyes are blazing. “That’s not how I see you. That’s not how any of us see you. You’re a fucking gold medal Olympian, Jake. You’re my hero, man. Don’t ever say to me that you’re not worth it.”
I slump against the back of the couch and stare at the ceiling. My head is about to explode and it is doing a damn good job at trying to override the mammoth foot on my chest. A few silent minutes go by. Pete rubs the back of his head and lets out a sigh.
“Jake you're like a brother to me and I love you. But if you don't go and fix things with Natalia, you're a bigger asshole than I thought.”
“Fuck. I wouldn't even know where to start.”
“Tell her you love her.”
I glare up at him. The panic rises from my chest and I push it down.
“Say it.” Pete’s eyes lock on mine, but I don't look away. I close my hands into fists to stop them from shaking as the darkness threatens to take over.
“Jake. For fuck’s sake. Admit that you love her. That's step one.
“Say it, man!” He snaps and I jump. I stand up and pace the room like a caged tiger. Pete is right. I have to win against the past, or it will swallow me. I stand by the window, squeezing the back of my neck as I stare at the pitch black of the ocean. Pete’s hand grips my shoulder and he searches my eyes. He’s looking at me like he thinks maybe I can't do this. Then his expression changes and his mouth curves up at the corner.
“Think of it as a ball game.”
I narrow my eyes. Pete knows me better than anyone. If this is a game, then I have to win. I swallow the boulder in my throat.
“I love her. I've loved her from the first
time I saw her.” Instant relief floods me. It’s a fucking surprise that leaves me speechless. Pete pulls me into an embrace, patting my back.
“That's right, brother. That's step one.” He smiles. “Now go get her, man.”
“It’s been two months, Pete. She may not want anything to do with me.”
Pete grins. “My money is on you, Jake. They don't give gold medals to people that come in second.”
“You have an answer for everything, asshole. What do you suggest I do?”
“Get back in the game and fight, man. Get back in the game and fight.”
Chapter 35: Natalia
I spend the morning running errands and picking up the rest of my things from work before I start my new job on Monday. I pack everything into a backpack and say goodbye to the last of the kitchen staff. The day is beautiful, so I take my time walking home. It is almost lunchtime and I debate whether or not to get something to eat, then decide against it. My savings are scant and I need to be frugal until I get my first real paycheck. I tread along thinking how much I will miss living in Coronado. My new job will mean a half an hour commute and I need to find an apartment that is closer.
When I get home, I take the stairs two at a time, wondering what I have in the fridge. I unlock the door, then freeze because I have somehow walked into the wrong apartment.
I step out, then back into what until this afternoon was my living-room.
It is now filled with flowers.
Everywhere.
White roses to be precise. I look around the room in shock. It is like a scene from a movie. There are large and small vases with flowers on every surface of my small living room. They are stunning. And they are also my favorite flowers.
What the hell?
“Your landlady let me in. It took some persuading, but… as it turns out, I can be pretty persuasive.”
I whip around and Jake is standing behind me. Holy Shit. My heart has a ninja fit inside my chest.
“Jake. What… Did you do this?”
He nods.
I look back at the white cloud of roses. “There are so many.” A knot swells in my throat and my eyes are starting to sting from the moisture that is pooling in them. I clutch my jacket to hold back the tears, but one escapes. Jake walks around me, then smiles. He wipes my cheek with his thumb.