Wall of Silence

by Dorey Whittaker

  Susan thought about what her mother-in-law said. “It’s funny. If you had said that to me even yesterday, I would have been so angry at you. My hurt would not have allowed me to accept that there could be any good in God taking back my baby. I know He did not allow it just to hurt me, and, yes, there will be other babies.”

  Chapter 21

  The first year after the loss of this much wanted baby was especially hard on Susan. She began living from month to month, hoping each time this would be it. Her doctor finally told her to stop trying so hard. “You need to relax and set your mind on other things. It’ll happen before you know it. You have to stop driving yourself crazy over this. Do anything! Just don’t sit home and wait for that baby. You know the old saying, ‘A watched pot never boils’? Well, it’s the same with babies.”

  She knew the doctor was right. Except for her monthly drive to Jefferson to see Lisa and Aunt Gladys, she had done nothing but concentrate on having a baby for months. Stopping by the office, Susan invited Mrs. Randal to lunch, hoping to find out if she needed any help around the office. Within a few weeks, Susan had more tasks than she could handle, and life was good again.

  Now that Susan was feeling stronger and the house was finished, Lisa and Gladys began coming up to Atlanta one weekend a month. Lisa actually enjoyed the visits and was warming up to Scott, although she would never admit it. Everyone could see the love and respect growing between Lisa and Aunt Gladys. The two had a way of teasing each other that was filled with sweet affection. Somehow, Aunt Gladys was able to praise Lisa in a teasing manner, but if she or anyone tried to praise her seriously, Lisa would stiffen and get upset.

  Lisa was working hard to change herself, and everyone who knew her could see it. She had come to the place where she would never cuss in front of Gladys and seldom did it around anyone else. She and Gladys seldom discussed with the family the weekly drugs and alcohol support groups they attended together. Lisa’s drug and alcohol addictions were not going to go away by themselves, and they both wanted to understand how to overcome them.

  One condition of Lisa’s parole that had been placed on her by the courts was that she get and keep a job. Gladys approached one of the ladies in her church about a job for Lisa. Ruth Bascom was a dear friend, and she owned a bakery in downtown Jefferson. After some badgering, Ruth agreed to offer Lisa a job in the back kitchen, away from customers. When Lisa first got out of jail, her mouth and appearance were raw, and Ruth didn’t trust her to deal with the public. Mrs. Bascom wanted to help, so she offered to teach her how to bake.

  Lisa worked in the back kitchen for almost a year, never missing a single day. She always brought her whole paycheck to Gladys every Friday because she didn’t want any money in her pockets during that first year. She didn’t trust herself. She knew how easy it would be to mess up and didn’t want to be tempted.

  It was obvious Lisa was doing much better and was looking healthier, but she still didn’t feel comfortable talking about her struggles. This was the first time in Lisa’s life she could remember being happy. She finally had something worth fighting for and was determined to conquer her cravings, because this time she had something to lose.

  Lisa loved working with Mrs. Bascom and was amazed at how proud she felt every time a rack of pies she had made was rolled out front for the customers to see. She worked hard learning all Mrs. Bascom’s special recipes, and by the end of her first year, she was considered the best pie and bread maker at the bakery. Every time she and Gladys planned a trip to Atlanta, Lisa would stay extra late the night before baking something very special for the family. It was a new experience for her to have others respect and admire something she had done, and she liked it.

  Gladys loved the fact that she now had someone to cook for every day, and Lisa was looking healthier than Susan had ever seen her. She wasn’t skin and bones any longer, her complexion was clear, and she never sported bruises on her arms anymore. It was obvious to the whole family that having Lisa living with Aunt Gladys was good for both of them.

  One night, almost three months after moving in with Gladys, Lisa asked her why she had taken the risk of bringing a drug-using prostitute into her home.

  Gladys smiled and said, “Lisa, God didn’t come to save the perfect. He came to love the lost and broken. This time He graciously allowed me to be His hands. When I saw you in that hospital bed, I didn’t see what you were, I saw what you could be if you let God and me help you. In the hospital that first day, while I washed your hair, I saw a young girl who needed to be loved and told God loves her no matter what she’s done.”

  It had now been almost two years since they’d had that conversation, and Lisa was beginning to thrive. She knew Gladys loved her, and she loved Gladys; she just wouldn’t admit it for fear of losing that love.

  In January of the following year, Gladys was hospitalized with pneumonia. For almost a week the doctors were fearful she might not pull through. Lisa was at the hospital every evening, terrified she might lose her. It was during this period that Lisa let down her final wall of resistance. One evening, when Gladys was having an especially hard time breathing, Lisa broke down and asked God for help. She had never prayed with Gladys during all the months they had struggled to get Lisa well, but now that it was Gladys who needed help, Lisa quickly turned to God. She had come to respect Gladys’s and Mrs. Bascom’s faith and had sat quietly listening many times as they talked about God and how He loved them.

  Standing by Gladys’ hospital room, fearing she might lose this wonderful lady, Lisa lowered her head and prayed, “God, I have no problem understanding that You could love Gladys, but I’m still not so sure why You would want to love me. God, I think You have been loving me for some time now—You have just been using Susan, Gladys, and Mrs. Bascom to show me. Gladys told me that before I could understand that you love me, I had to learn what love is—so she has been loving me for You – because she loves You so much. God, I want to love You like Gladys loves You. Please, God, save Gladys right now—and save me.”

  Around the corner, Mrs. Bascom listened to this sweet, sweet sound of a soul crying out to God for the first time. Her pleas for mercy for someone she loved were heart wrenching. Mrs. Bascom quietly walked over and put her arm around Lisa. “Honey, I can’t think of another sound in the universe more pleasing to God than when a lost child turns to Him for help.”

  Mrs. Bascom knew Lisa had taken a huge step toward healing, and she was certain God would no longer be a stranger to Lisa.

  It was three more days before Gladys’s health turned around and another week before she was able to come home. Lisa had the house as clean as a whistle, fresh bread cooling on the counter, and a fire roaring in the fireplace when Billy Carter brought his mother home from the hospital.

  Lisa had homemade chicken noodle soup warming on the stove and Gladys’s winter afghan ready for her lap. Bill started laughing as he made his mother sit on the sofa next to the fireplace. “Mom, Lisa is going to give you a taste of your own medicine. You know, turn about is fair play. So you behave yourself and let Lisa nurse you for a while.”

  He gave his mother a kiss and then walked over to Lisa and put his arm around her. “I wasn’t really sure my mother was doing the right thing when she first moved you in here, but I was so wrong. My mother loves you, and I can see how much you love her. Thank you.”

  As Billy walked out the door, Lisa stood there with big tears in her eyes. Even Bill had accepted her. She went into the kitchen and fixed Gladys a dinner tray, and the two sat by the fire for quite a while talking about life, their futures, and how good it was for Gladys to be home.

  The family drove down to visit almost every Saturday until Gladys was back to normal. They had so much fun watching Lisa scurry around the house making sure everything was perfect. They all chuckled to each other as they observed Lisa fussing over Gladys. She no longer cared how obvious it was that she loved this sweet old lady. Their fondness for each other was no longer a teasing matter because
Lisa was no longer ashamed to say she loved her.

  She even started enjoying giving Scott a hug goodbye. As Scott and Susan drove off after a visit, Lisa turned to Aunt Gladys and said, “That Scott is a wonderful man, isn’t he? I’m so glad he married Susan.”

  Gladys simply nodded. An additional compliment about Scott, coming from her, would be redundant. Everyone knew how she felt about him, and now Lisa was beginning to understand.

  Chapter 22

  That next summer Carol Anne married Harry Stephenson, the assistant principal of the high school where she worked as a history teacher. They had dated for almost two years and were inseparable. Harry had red hair and freckles, and all the kids affectionately called him Howdy Doody. He had a contagious laugh and steel-blue eyes. He was also the junior varsity football coach, and all the boys liked him.

  During football season, Carol Anne sat in the bleachers and corrected papers while Harry ran football practice. All the boys loved it because they knew she would always have a bag of homemade cookies for them at the end of every practice.

  Harry grew up in Virginia, the youngest of three boys. His oldest brother, Michael, was killed when Harry was a senior in high school. While Michael was working at a convenience store, a guy attempted to rob it. Michael was refilling the soda case and apparently did not hear the guy tell him to stand still, so when he turned around, the guy shot him.

  Harry’s mother was so devastated she sent Harry and his middle brother to Indiana to live with their uncle. He finished high school there, working on his uncle’s farm for an additional two years, earning money for college. Because he had a strong, well-built body, the boys wanted him to lead a wrestling team at the high school. He had wrestled during college and had won several state meets. After lots of begging, Harry agreed to start a wrestling team, along with coaching football and administrative duties.

  Carol Anne was madly in love with him, and so was the whole family. About once a week they stopped by Scott and Susan’s house, and the four of them always had a great time together. Actually, it was Scott who walked Harry out in the back yard and asked when he was going to ask his sister to marry him. Apparently, Harry had tried on several occasions but couldn’t go through with it. He had convinced himself she would turn him down.

  “You’re a nincompoop. Anyone can see my sister is crazy about you. The whole family is. Why don’t you march yourself right back in that house and ask her?”

  Right in front of Scott and Susan, Harry asked Carol Anne to marry him, and four months later they were married. They had a huge church wedding, with Susan as Carol Anne’s matron of honor and Scott as one of the ushers. Harry’s brother, Randy, came out to be his best man, and four months after the wedding Carol Anne announced they were expecting. The announcement was given during Thanksgiving dinner, and even though Susan was happy for Carol Anne, she ached to be pregnant too.

  Two weeks later, Scott and Susan announced they too were expecting a baby. Mr. and Mrs. Thomas were overjoyed. They had waited a long time and now were going to have two grandbabies sometime in late spring.

  Scott was given the honor of telling Lisa and Aunt Gladys. They walked into Gladys’s house with a big bouquet of flowers with a big pink bow and a big blue bow. When Lisa answered the door, Scott handed her the bouquet and said, “Congratulations, Lisa, you’re going to be an aunt next spring.”

  Lisa didn’t say a word. She grabbed Scott and gave him a big hug, and then took off to her bedroom. They were sitting in the living room when Lisa came out of her bedroom with a package. Without saying a word, she placed it in her sister’s lap. Susan opened the box and saw a pretty yellow outfit. There was a sweater, leggings, hat, and booties knit in the most delicate pattern she had ever seen.

  Holding it up, she asked, “Lisa, this is lovely. Where did you get it?”

  Beaming with pride, Lisa said, “I made it for the baby. Three years ago, when I needed to keep my hands busy, Gladys worked with me every evening teaching me how to knit and crochet. My nerves were shot, and sitting around was dangerous for me. You know that old saying, ‘Idle hands are the devil’s workshop.’ We have a whole drawer filled with baby clothes waiting for this little one. Pink, blue, and yellow.”

  The girls went into Lisa’s bedroom, and she laid everything out on her bed. There were dozens of outfits, blankets, and booties, all done with such love and care.

  “Lisa, Scott and I have decided that if this baby is a girl, we’re naming her Lisa Anne because you have worked so hard, and we’re so proud of you.”

  “I don’t want this baby to ever know what I once was, and I promise I won’t do anything that will ever bring shame to your baby.”

  ***

  By late spring, Carol Anne and Susan were struggling to get around. They were anxious to see these little faces they already loved so very much. Everyone in the family would tease Carol Anne and Harry, wondering what color hair their children would have.

  “I can’t imagine what it will look like,” her dad would tease. “Let’s see now, both of you have bright red hair. Do you suppose I’ll have a another little Carol Anne to love?”

  Bill Thomas couldn’t think of anything more precious than having another little red-headed girl running around his house calling him Grandpa. As for Scott and Susan’s baby, no one had a clue what their child would look like—him with his curly blond hair and her with jet-black hair.

  Everyone was getting impatient, and the weeks seemed to drag. The girls were due within two weeks of each other, with Carol Anne and Harry’s baby due first. Lisa had not taken a single vacation day since finding out about the baby so she and Aunt Gladys would be able to go to Atlanta when it came. They had their bags packed and were ready for the phone call. They were going up as soon as the babies arrived. Lisa was to care for Susan and her baby while Aunt Gladys cared for Carol Anne and her baby. The waiting was driving everyone mad.

  Lisa decided she would keep busy by knitting Carol Anne’s baby an outfit. She picked out a soft yellow yarn and, every evening, while waiting for the phone to ring, she painstakingly worked on the most delicate stitches she knew. Having finished the sweater, leggings, and booties, she was now doing the final touches on the hat.

  Aunt Gladys decided to use the same color, only a shade or two deeper, and knit a matching blanket for Carol Anne’s baby. When it was completed, they hand-stitched a two-inch-wide satin band around the edges, pressed it, and gift-wrapped it for Carol Anne.

  The next evening the phone call came; Carol Anne’s baby was on its way. Gladys and Lisa drove to Atlanta, laughing and giggling and having a wonderful time. They drove straight to the hospital and met the family in the waiting room. They were glad to discover they had arrived before the baby and joined the others in the final waiting game.

  Everyone was excited to know the gender of their babies. Except for Lisa knowing Susan’s baby’s name if it was a girl, no one knew the names the parents had chosen. Harry came out to give an update. “Carol Anne is doing well but is having some trouble, so the doctors are talking about taking the baby.”

  Mrs. Thomas began to pace rather quickly, praying hard for her little girl in there.

  As Harry started back to the labor room, he turned and said, “The next time I see you folks, I’ll be a daddy.”

  With a big smile he disappeared, and they were all left to pace and wait. It was almost an hour before a nurse came out and told them Carol Anne was going into surgery. The baby was experiencing too much stress, so the doctor had decided to perform a C-section.

  Not even ten minutes later Harry walked out beaming. “It’s a boy. A beautiful, healthy little boy, and Carol Anne did fine. The doctor said she will be back in her room in about forty-five minutes and then you may see her. Michael William Stephenson will be available for viewing in about an hour.”

  Bill Thomas, relieved to hear his daughter was fine, let himself relax and then realized he had just heard the name of his first grandson. “Michael William, I like h
ow that sounds.”

  Harry allowed everyone to give him a hug. “We decided to name our son in honor of my older brother Michael, with his middle name after you, Dad.”

  Everyone could finally relax a little and, when Carol Anne was ready, they took turns going in to congratulate her on a job well done. Scott and Susan stood at the nursery window trying to get a good look at little Michael. He had a small patch of dark-black hair, but everyone said that didn’t mean anything, that the hair color could change. He kept his little fists snuggled up against his face, which was scrunched up tight, as if he were trying to keep the bright lights of the nursery out of his eyes.

  Scott put his arm around his extremely pregnant wife and gave her a kiss. “Just think, in a few days our little baby will be sleeping in one of those bassinets.”

  “Scott, are you disappointed you weren’t the first to make grandparents of your parents?”

  “To be real honest, a little, but it’s all right. I’m just happy we don’t have to wait too long, and these two little ones will be able to grow up together. Are you sure you aren’t feeling any labor pains yet?” Scott grinned at her. He’d been bugging her to get the show on the road for almost two weeks. “I think I’ll take a bumpy road home tonight. Seeing Michael makes me ache to see our little baby’s face.”

  Scott and Susan didn’t have to wait very long. Two days later she woke him to say her water had broken. He hollered through the house for Lisa to get up and dress. The three of them headed for the hospital, but Scott managed to stop long enough to quickly phone his parents before leaving.