“Welcome back, guys! Ezzy and Kelly, meet our new friend Hecate.”
“Um… hello? Sorry if I seemed a bit shocked,” I said.
“Howdy, Kelly! Howdy, Ezzy!” Hecate shouted with an over-the-top Southern drawl.
“Jupiter’s balls. She’s a waffle flopping redneck,” Ezzy whispered.
“You’re Hecate? The real Hecate? Hecate, the ancient Babylonian goddess of sorcery?” I asked. My disbelief made me sound a bit sarcastic.
“That’s me, sure as sugar,” she said, bubbly and smiling. “I know, I know. Everyone is under the impression that I’m some sort of monster. Let me tell you something.” She stretched her arms out, waving her hands. “Fake news! Fake news! In fact, I’m just a normal witch like y’all.”
“Normal? Sister, there is nothing normal about any of us,” Ezzy replied.
“If you don’t mind, I’d like to stay with y’all. Least until I get my magic back.”
“Shit. You’re not the one responsible for this mess? I was hoping you were the one behind it,” I said. “I think you need to fill us in on who you are and what you know.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
A New Witch
Hecate stepped down from the table, taking a seat next to Gertie. “I don’t go by Hecate anymore. Just call me Alice. It sounds like a nicer modern name. I’ve been locked up in that little statue for centuries. It all started back when Sargon was king of Assyria.”
“So you’re not Greek?” I asked.
“Heavens no! The Greeks picked up on some antiquated fake news and made up some garbage about me. No, I go way back before the Greeks. It all started when I was working the tribute collections desk at the local temple in Aleppo. After a few locust plagues, a drought, and a famine, times had gotten pretty tough. I was living temple-offering to temple-offering; you know how it goes.”
Hecate paused to scoop up a handful of M&Ms and wolfed them down. “Oh my goddess! Chocolate is the most heavenly thing. It’s like sex, but without any of the disappointments. Thank you, Gertie!”
“Anyway, one day I came across a little wand. It was the strangest thing. I found that when I picked it up, it felt warm and tingly. When I pointed it, I could make things move. From that point on, I kept experimenting. Before long I realized I was as good at magic as any of those crabby old sorceresses. I quit my dead-end job and opened a little magic shop. For a price, I’d make dreams come true—within reason, of course. Mostly medical and cosmetic issues.”
“I had no idea I was such a threat to the sorceresses at the temple. When they found out people were coming to me with their problems instead of the temple, all hell broke loose. First, they started a smear campaign against me. Telling folks I was evil and wicked but in fact, I was helpful. And not at all wicked, as they wanted people to believe. That’s when they took drastic measures and transformed me into a little statue. The same one you brought here.”
“Hold on. If that’s true, how did you learn to speak English?” I asked. “And with that accent?”
“Someone dug me up from the sand about a hundred years ago. After bouncing around different antique shops I spent eighty-five years sitting on a shelf in a Texas truck stop next to Surfer Elvis, Soldier Elvis, and five hundred Beanie Babies. You wouldn’t believe the stuff I’ve heard.”
Gabe 2.0 entered the room, carrying a plate of freshly baked brownies. “Thank you, Gabe 2.0,” Gertie said. “If you like chocolate, Alice, you’ll love these.”
“Ooh! To hell with chocolate. I call dibs on the man meat!” Alice said, nearly drooling.
“He’s sort of taken. In a way,” Gertie answered. “He’s a clone of Kelly’s man meat. I mean boyfriend.”
“What? You have two of these? Nuh-uh. No way is that fair. I haven’t been laid in three thousand, two hundred years. And even back then, that last time barely counted.” Alice cupped her hand next to her mouth and whispered to Gertie, “He was a short-peckered Babylonian with performance issues.”
Gertie looked at me and shrugged.
“We can talk about it later, Alice. First, tell us how you ended up in Professor Horowitz’s museum,” I said.
“Same way the Beanie Babies left Texas—e-Bay. That’s how the old man got a hold of me. Funny, he only bought my statue to put away in storage.”
Barney squinted, puffing out his chest, but hardly came off as intimidating. “Who was the green ghost that zapped me and turned me to stone? Wasn’t that, in fact, you?” he asked.
“Don’t look at me. Sure, I’ve been known to petrify a few bad apples, but I’m not the only one who knows that trick. Sounds like you were attacked by a tomb guardian spirit. They were used to protect royal graves against tomb raiders. Are you a thief, Barney?”
“I’ve been known to poach some treasure now and then, but it’s not my trade. I was only looking for a decent statue to be transferred to. That way Ezzy can give me a human form.”
“Tell us about Horowitz. What’s he been up to?”
“You don’t know? It should be fairly obvious. He’s a dealer in stolen artifacts and his position at the museum is just a front. I’ve overheard him talking with his customers on several occasions. I was wondering where I’d end up next. But then I realized he only bought me to keep me locked up. He knew how dangerous it would be if I came to life and hunted him down.”
“Black market. I guess that explains all the cash he had piled up. Why didn’t I think of that?” I wondered out loud.
“Do you think he has something to do with our magic being depleted?” Ezzy asked.
“It’s not entirely depleted. There’s still a drop or two around. As far as who or what is behind this problem, I don’t know the answer.”
Still suspicious of my unexpected guest, I pressed her for more information. “Did you know that Professor Horowitz, or his clone, was found drowned in the Chicago River this morning?”
“What? His clone?” she shouted. Clearly, she was as shocked by the news as the rest of us. “He had a clone as well? How many clones have you created?”
“All together, three. Ezzy cloned my boyfriend and the professor, and Gertie cloned my brother. Hopefully that’s all.” I shot a glance at my friends, bracing myself for revelations of dozens more.
“Just curious, Kelly. I ain’t judging you. Back to the professor, you have to remember I was only able to listen when I was placed somewhere nearby. I had a lot of time to think about the people he was doing business with. Besides the rich art collectors, there was some people interested in very specific pieces from Assyria. Apparently there’s something going on over there these days.”
Ezzy took a curved-stemmed meerschaum pipe from her pocket, staying in character, I supposed. Lighting it and taking a puff, she updated Alice on current events. “Today, your old home is called Syria. Unfortunately the country is being torn apart by a brutal three-way civil war. People are being forced to loot graves and sacred sites, digging up antiquities that are being sold to fund more fighting.”
“That’s horrid!”
“Well, yes. War is a horrid thing to be sure,” Ezzy said, desperately trying not to hack her lungs out.
“I meant the smell from that pipe!”
“I know that skunky smell! The Devil’s lettuce! Have you been visiting my sasquatches, Ezzy?” Gertie said with a wink.
“Whew! So, back to what I was talking about. What the hell was I talking about?” Ezzy took a breath. “Private detectivegating is hard. Come on Barney, let’s finish this pipe together and you can tell me about the man I want you to become.”
“I think Ezzy was trying to say there is a huge black market for those relics coming out of Syria and Horowitz was using his position and knowledge to cash in. More and more, I’m becoming convinced this black market is directly related to our magic getting screwed up. And it seems Horowitz is a key player. I discovered that he made calls to a hotel in the city, across the street from where we’ll be attending a wedding reception.”
“That
’s it!” Gertie jumped from her seat. “While we’re there, we’ll go to the black market, pretend to be shoppers, and maybe we’ll find someone who’s been dealing in magic items!”
“Um. The black market isn’t a place, like a flea market or a craft fair. It’s just a word to describe how things are sold underground, illegally. But you’re right, we need to meet Horowitz’s clients. To do that Ezzy is supposed to reserve us all rooms at the hotel Horowitz made calls to.”
“I’ll check on where she’s at with it,” Gertie said, bounding toward the stairs. But before she made it to the first step, Brad came out of the downstairs bedroom, wearing only a towel around his waist, fresh out of the shower. He scooped up Gertie with one arm, pulling her back into the room with him. Even when the door shut behind them, I still heard Gertie squealing and giggling.
When I turned around, Hecate—or Alice—was gone. So was Gabe 2.0. Gemma rubbed her sleek black fur against my leg. “Meow.”
“And so it goes, Gemma. Romance is all around me, but it seems the fates are denying me,” I whispered.
“Meow, meow.”
“I’m being melodramatic? If you gave two scrapes in your litter box about my situation, you’d know I have every right to whine.”
“Meow, meeeoow.”
“Still a couple of drops of magic left? Why does everyone repeat that?” Feeling overwhelmed, I went to my room to bug Ezzy.
“Knock, knock,” I said rapping my knuckles on my bedroom door. “Even though I shouldn’t have to ask permission to enter my own bedroom. I just don’t want to see you and that frog doing something that can’t be unseen.”
“Perfect timing, Kelly. I just made weekend hotel reservations for our group. We can check in anytime this afternoon.”
“I’ll have to send Randy a text so he’ll know where we’ll be. Where’s Barney?”
“In your bathtub, stoned. He smoked every bit of my Sherlock Holmes pipe and suddenly discovered his skin needed to rehydrate. Damn frog.”
Chapter Twenty-Five
The Penthouse
I called a limo service to transport our entire group to the hotel. I was even courteous enough to send Randy a text. Even though I was tempted not to. I mean, picturing Randy losing his mind upon returning to my empty condo was pleasurable.
To my surprise, the hotel staff wasn’t concerned in the least when Ezzy plopped wads of cash down on the desk. In fact, we were treated like royalty. She easily put up enough cash to buy a politician.
“Wait ’til you see our digs for the weekend,” Ezzy said as we crowded into the elevator. “The penthouse suite. Pure luxury.”
“Wait. Did you say suite? I thought we’d get individual rooms.”
“What’s the fun in that? Besides, we need to have a place to discuss our case and plot surveillance operations of the hotel. How else will we find out if Horowitz is really alive and meeting someone here?”
Ezzy was right; the suite was an entire floor of luxury. It even had its own hot tub.
Barney let himself out of Ezzy’s suitcase. “Right on, Babycakes! This place is going to be swinging.”
“How about we pick out our bedrooms and get ready to go to dinner,” I announced. “Since so many of the Franchettis are in town for the wedding they planned a family dinner tonight before the wedding. It’ll be across the street at the same place as the reception. Everyone will be welcome. We can start our spy operation later.”
Just then, the bellboy called through the intercom. “Mr. Randy Franchetti and guest are here.”
“And guest?” we asked in harmony, each of us smiling with anticipation of meeting Randy’s date.
“Come on, Kel, let us in,” Randy’s voice growled through the speaker.
I opened the door and stumbled backward. Randy’s guest was unshaven, his hair disheveled, and he was wrapped in what appeared to be an old rug. “Um… Randy, maybe you should introduce your friend.”
Randy pulled the man inside and slammed the door. “Friend? Take a closer look.”
The man looked just like my brother. Only dirty.
“Jesus, Randy,” Barney croaked. “When I told you to go fuck yourself last week I didn’t mean for you to take it literally. Bwa ha ha!”
“He’s my damn clone and I named him George Cloney!” Randy barked, ignoring Barney’s rude comments. “Apparently he stowed away on our broom ride and has been wandering the streets ever since. I’m lucky to have found him.”
“You guys are so much fun!” Alice giggled.
“Who’s the new girl?” Randy asked.
“Hecate,” I replied.
Alice reached out and took my brother’s hand, introducing herself in a flirty voice. “People call me Alice, and baby, I think I’m in Wonderland right now.”
“Oh great. Another one,” he mumbled. “Nice to meet you, Alice.”
Taking Randy’s clone by the arm, she walked him into the room. “Come on, ladies, who wants to help me wash this boy up?”
“Um, he’s my brother’s clone, Alice. No.”
“I’ll do it,” Gertie said, innocently volunteering. She stepped forward briefly before her face flushed bright red. “Or maybe not. All things considered.”
“Don’t worry about it, Sunshine,” Brad laughed.
“I’m pretty sure Randy’s clone can handle taking a shower by himself, Alice.” I pointed the clone toward the bath.
“Damn! That’s twice today I’ve struck out. I’ll make a deal with you, Kelly.” She produced a small vial of blue liquid. “I whipped up a little something today. Remember what I said about having a couple drops of magic left? There’s just enough to make one wish. Specifically designed to call your lover home. What do you say? You get a wish come true, I get to hookup with one or both of those yummy clones.” Her long eyelashes fluttered as if she was sending desperate pleas with Morse code. “Please? I’m frickin’ dying here. You have no idea.”
“Hah! You’d be surprised. So you’re telling me I could wish Gabe back from the Arctic and he’d show up? Just like that?”
“Yup. Easy-peasy. What do you say?”
“I say, hell yes! Gimme, gimme, gimme!” I took the vial. “If this really works, feel free to bonk your brains out with those clones, Alice. Hell, you can even have Randy’s scurvy ass.”
“Hey!” Randy shouted. “If you’re going to be pimping my ass, don’t I get a say?”
“Ezzy?” Barney frantically hopped around the room. “Babycakes? Has anyone seen Ezzy?”
“Room service,” Ezzy said, strutting out of a bedroom. She was dressed in a skimpy French maid’s outfit.
“Have you lost your mind?” Randy asked.
“While the rest of you are stuffing your faces at dinner, I’m going undercover to scope out the hotel.”
Normally, I would have chided Ezzy on her disguise, but I was lost in thought. My brain batted questions around in a game of mental racquetball. Would Alice’s potion work? Would there be consequences? What if it was a trick? Was I so desperate that I’d fall for anything? Would it be safe for Gabe, or me?
“Go ahead, Kelly. Bottoms up! As soon as it hits your stomach, make your wish, and keep it to yourself.”
I hoisted the vial, tilted my head back and squinted. “How long before…”
“It comes true? You know how wishes are, never too soon, but soon enough. Go on, drink!”
Like a chorus of noisy speed-dating amphibians calling out to one another in the spring, my friends grunted. “Drink! Drink! Drink!”
“Oh, here goes nothing.” I gulped down the bitter shot and made my wish.
I wished for Gabe to come back from the Arctic and to be with me.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Party Crashers
Part of our ever-expanding coven headed across the street for dinner, while Ezzy and Barney stayed behind as planned. At my suggestion, Gabe 2.0 and George Cloney remained back at the suite as well.
I asked Alice to stay close to me the entire time. Needless
to say I was more than a little worried about the effects of her disgusting concoction. Just in case I was about to fall victim to a magical poison, I made sure Randy stuck close by me as well.
“Randolfo! Kelly!” a hoarse voice shouted from somewhere deep in the Franchetti herd.
“Hi Uncle Carmine!” we called back.
“Ah! My two favorite godchildren.” After a flurry of whiskery kisses on my cheek, my uncle leaned close to my ear. “I heard a rumor. You misfits are staying in that joint across the street. Remember the rule: If your crew pulled off a good heist, don’t flash money around. Someone will notice. Someone beside me. But anyway, congratulations. Next time, remember us old guys are always looking to get in on a little excitement.”
Poor Uncle Carmine. For a year he’d been proudly under the impression our Karma, Inc. business was a highly successful criminal enterprise.
“You know how it goes, Uncle Carmine. Since you guys retired this town is like a candy store that’s open only for us. We’ve got so much cash we can’t hide it all. But we’ll take your advice.”
“That’s my girl. I also heard you brought your man. Where is Gabe?”
I sighed. Just like I thought. Nonna told the whole family Gabe was coming. “Hopefully, he’ll be here soon.”
“Good. Say, did you hear about Padre Leo? He won’t be at the wedding.”
“What? Why?” Randy asked. As for myself, I had an idea.
Uncle Carmine shrugged. “The poor son-of-a-bitch became completely unglued.”
Randy shook his head, unable to decipher what Carmine had told him.
“You know, bonkers, cuckoo, unzipped, crazy. The bishop sent him off to some retreat. I suppose it’s a nice name for the holy bughouse. You know, the funny farm. He claimed a demon popped out of the casket at Mike Litoris’ funeral.”
“That’s very weird. Speaking of weird, what do you know about the body they pulled out of the river?” I asked.
“I heard about that. A professor, I think. Bags of cash went in with him. Did you know there was a connection between him and Mike Litoris? Guys are saying whoever whacked Litoris whacked Horowitz.”
Shame of Clones: A Paranormal Romantic Comedy (Karma Inc. Files Book 3) Page 13