The revelation caught me by surprise, and nearly knocked me off my feet. “Really?”
“And if you ask me, it was for revenge. Couldn’t have been about money, right? I mean, they left the money!”
“Exactly what I’ve been saying!” Gertie piped in.
“Hold on. Have you guys been trying to figure out this hit since it happened?” Carmine asked. “I’d be careful. Very, very careful. People get nervous enough when cops are asking questions. They get downright paranoid when wise guys start asking questions. Dangerously paranoid.”
“Just curious, Uncle Carmine. Thanks for the advice.”
“Sure, kid. See, the thing is, the reason people say the hits are related is because Litoris and Horowitz had a common connection. They both were in the arts and crafts business.”
“Ooh! I would love to start something like that on the plantation. Think of all the great things we could come up with from phoenix feathers, dragon scales, and dried flowers. It’d be a real hoot!”
“I like you. You’re a sweet kid, Shamrock,” Carmine said, almost apologetically. “But you’ve gotta lay off the sauce. You’re gonna end up in the laugh factory with Padre Leo. Capisce?”
Randy put his hand on Gertie’s shoulder. “When Uncle Carmine said ‘arts and crafts business’ he was talking about the smuggling of stolen art.”
“Oh. Even still, it’s a fab idea, right? We can talk about it more when we get home,” Gertie said, smiling.
“Wow. Thanks for the info, Uncle Carmine. It’s compelling. Only because I love a good mystery, you know.”
A loud crash from the back of the room quickly caught our attention. Immediately, the restaurant erupted in screams. Two huge furry beasts smashed through the double swinging doors of the kitchen.
“Buffalo! Buffalo! Stampede!” the frightened patrons shouted.
“Eskimo!” one of my little nieces yelled.
“Eskimo?” I asked, standing on my tiptoes to get a better view. “That’s not an Eskimo. That’s Gabe!” I screamed.
It was an understandable mistake. After all, he was dressed in a fuzzy parka with a large furry hood.
“So those are muskoxen?” I asked, puzzled by what I was witnessing. Poor Gabe hung from the shaggy underbelly of one of the beasts, one hand gripping the critter by its furry schlong.
As the animals rushed past, Gabe appeared to smile at me. I suppose it could have been a grimace induced by the effects of his head bouncing off the floor like a kickball, but I prefer to think he was just really happy to see me.
“Hi Gabe! I love you!” I cheered as the muskoxen circled the room, flipping over tables. It seemed nearly all the guests had evacuated, spilling out onto the sidewalk in panic.
“I. Love. You. Tooooo!” he yelled.
The wooly monstrosities ceased their carnage when Gertie bravely threw handfuls of the delectable remains of the salad bar in their path. “Poor babies,” she said, scratching the muzzle of a muskox. “Gabe, you let go of that creature’s pecker right now. That’s no way to treat God’s creation.”
Gabe crawled free and peeled off his parka. “Kelly! What happened? Where the hell am I?”
“In Chicago, with me! Thanks to a little magic. Are you okay?”
Gabe stumbled toward me. “I think so,” he replied, rubbing his head.
“Good God! What is that smell?” Randy gagged.
“Musk. It’s what muskox do. You know, with their glands,” Gabe said.
Randy pulled Gertie aside. “Girl, don’t even think about bringing those smelly-ass cows to the plantation.”
I didn’t even care about the smell. I met Gabe with a hug, kissing him deeply. When I buried my face in his chest, I suddenly cared. The smell was horrific, like embracing a freshly squished skunk.
“Whew! You, sir, need to be scrubbed down with a wire brush. And now I might need to be too.” I was teasing, of course. I was so happy I couldn’t stop laughing.
“Exotic animal racket, too? You kids sure are busy,” Uncle Carmine said. “Hey, Hamster! Hamster!”
Hamster Dick rushed out of a small room, fastening his belt and trying to tuck in his shirt as he moved closer. “Yeah, Boss?”
“Get the truck from the alley and haul these monsters out of here,” Carmine ordered. Hamster Dick’s years of experience in the illicit exotic animal trade provided just the experience and equipment needed. Cocking his head, Carmine asked, “Were you bangin’ a waitress in there?”
“Uh… not a waitress, technically speakin’, Boss. She’s a damn good cook though,” Hamster said, his lips quivering. Slowly they wiggled into a forced smile. “Nobody you know.”
“Good. Remember what I told you. Stay away from the women in this family. They’re wicked witches. Present company excluded.” He winked at me. “No offense.”
“None taken, Uncle Carmine.” He had no idea.
My eyebrows arched up and quickly nosedived into bitch-face mode. Over Hamster’s shoulder I spotted my grandmother scurrying out of the same little room, frantically straightening her dress and hair. My uncle hadn’t noticed, Thank God he walked outside to calm the frenzied family.
“Uh-huh. At least you were partially honest, Hamster. Nonna is an excellent cook. But really? You two had to do it in the restaurant’s broom closet? At a family reunion? She’s my grandmother, Hamster. My Nonna!”
“Listen, I have complete respect for her. I…”
“You better.”
“I’m gonna need your help, Kelly. I wanna break it to the boss. I’m falling in love with his sister!”
“Shit. Okay, okay, I mean, congrats and all. Just, I have a lot going on right now. You two have to keep it on the quiet, and above all”—I stabbed his chest with my index finger—“be good to her. Or you’ll be worried about what I’ll do to you. I’ll soften up Uncle Carmine to the idea in a few days. Right now, let’s take care of the animals.”
“Can’t you just magically flash them back?” Gabe whispered.
“Nope. Magic is down for the foreseeable future. Bringing you here used up the last drop. Isn’t it nice to know I used it on you?”
I glanced over at Hamster and asked. “Hamster, can you take them somewhere safe until we figure out what to do?”
“I have a safe place by the stockyards. Used to keep giraffes and a couple elephants in there. Couple long-haired cows, no problem.”
“Come on, baby. Time for you to hit the shower,” I whispered, giving Gabe’s ass a long overdue pat. “We’ve got more than a few things to catch up on. If you know what I mean.”
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Glory Hole
We hustled back to the hotel and I updated Gabe on as much information as possible before the scent of the musky bovine necessitated a thorough scrub-down in the shower. I held off on discussing the clones, thinking it best to stumble over that bridge when we got to it. Thankfully we didn’t see Gabe 2.0.
I wanted nothing more than to lock myself in a bedroom with Gabe, but the timing couldn’t have been worse.
Thanks to Ezzy, our investigative hotel stay had already borne fruit. Ezzy wheeled in a laundry cart, which turned out to be a clandestine buggy for Barney. Dirty sheets and towels flew in all directions when he sprang free. “Blech!” he gagged. “Son of a Gorgon! That was disgusting! Never, not even in a million lifetimes, will I go back in that thing. Bloody Hades!”
“Oh hush, Barney. Anyway, kids, I’ve learned some new things.” She pulled handfuls of cash from the pockets of her lace apron.
Randy, arms crossed and head tilted, looked at Ezzy like he was a snobbish art critic about to unload a scathing criticism on an amateurish work.
“Hmm. An observation, if I may,” Randy said, slowly orbiting around her. “You were prancing around the hotel in that outrageous little fuck-costume.” Lifting the hem of her outfit with one cautious finger, he clucked his tongue. “A sequined thong. Seriously? I’ve known drag queens who were less ostentatious.” Dropping it like it was po
ison, he continued. “Your ass and tits nearly on full display. You return with pockets filled with money. So this is what I deduce: You finally honed your prostitution craft.”
“You insolent foolish plebe, you’re a real smart-ass when my magic is down,” Ezzy huffed. “When I get my powers back, and I will, I am going to flay you, salt your miserable hide, and use it for a coat.”
“Easy, easy, Ezzy. Just… having a little fun,” Randy stuttered.
“Apologize, Randy,” I growled.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “Say, do you think I could borrow that outfit sometime? That is, if I ever find someone,” he whispered.
“Apology accepted. And yes you can, but on the condition that I get to watch.”
“Hey, Randy,” Brad nosed in. “Find someone? But…” He seemed genuinely puzzled and concerned.
“Yeah,” Gertie joined in, finishing Brad’s sentence as if they shared the same brain. “Aren’t you and your friend Carl… you know, seeing each other?”
“Carl?” Randy asked, waving his arms to add a touch of dramatic flair. “Carl. You know, it’d be fun to go out in public with Carl without having to pretend I’m someone else. I mean, that guy is so deep in the closet, he has a Narnia zip code. Pfft. No thank you. I’m not going to be his little secret.”
“People! People! Let’s stop the… whatever this is… weird group therapy shit,” I begged. I had no patience for our typically unfocused effort. My own desire to get things moving along had less to do with solving the mystery than satisfying my urge to jump in the shower with Gabe.
Gertie gave Randy a hug and in a soothing voice calmed him down. “That’s right, Randy. You don’t have to be anyone’s dirty little secret.” She released her little arms from around his waist and patted his chest. “Unless, of course, you want to be,” she said.
By the way Randy’s eyebrows arched in opposite directions, I could tell he was about to unload an acrid stream of sarcasm. Then, suddenly, his face returned to normal and he simply replied, “Thanks, Gertie.”
“Oh God,” I moaned. “In case you all forgot, we have a crime to solve, the theft of witches’ magic. And my guess is that Karma, Inc. will soon be the number one suspect.”
“If we aren’t already. And don’t forget the homicide—we’ll probably be blamed for that too,” Ezzy said.
“Exactly, Ezzy,” I replied. “What did you find out?”
“Professor Horowitz was here. It took some hard work, but the girl at the front desk confided he checked in last night and hasn’t checked out. We didn’t see him, but there is a chance he’s here and that was his clone in the river.”
“Oh yeah!” Barney cheered. “That chick—Marguerite was her name—she wasn’t helpful at all. It was confidential information, she said. Blah, blah, blah, she said. But then Ezzy took her to the manager’s office and gave her a lap dance. She sang like a canary. And she even gave Ezzy a key to the room. It was hot! So, so hot! That memory will have me jacking off for years.”
“I have my skills,” Ezzy said, touching up her lipstick. “Barney and I went to the Professor’s room. It was a nice room with a single king-sized bed. Unfortunately, the room was vacant. But this cash was everywhere.” She tossed the money in the air. “His suitcases were emptied, the clothes neatly placed in the dresser. We didn’t find any other clues.”
“A real freak. Who actually folds their clothes and puts them in the hotel dresser?” Brad mumbled.
I pointed at Randy. “He does.”
“Did Horowitz check in alone? Did he have a guest?” Brad asked.
Ezzy and Barney gazed at him with wide-eyed stares, like deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming Mack truck. For all they did, they’d missed a basic question.
“Good question.” Barney shrugged. “Welp, Ezzy, guess you’re gonna have to give Marguerite another lap dance to find out. Come on, let’s go find her.”
“Not yet, freaks,” I said, pacing thoughtfully. “We need to get someone in that room. To wait for someone, anyone, to return. Or call. Who’s going to volunteer?”
Barney shook his head. “Come on, nobody’s going to trade this luxury pad to hide in some dead guy’s room.”
“Possibly dead guy’s room,” I said.
“Hey, I know. We can put in a glory hole!” Gertie squealed.
Our jaws visibly dropped. All of them.
“What did I say? What’s so wrong about that?” Gertie said, throwing her hands up. “When our dragon Becca was brooding her eggs, we were worried clumsy Olaf would crush one. We decided to separate them with a wall. I cut a hole in it so the dragons could still kiss and nuzzle. Randy called it a dragon glory hole.”
I let out the breath I’d been holding and shot my brother with death laser eyes. “Okay, Gertie. That’s better. But we don’t have access to an adjacent room, even if we did want to poke a peephole in the wall.”
Barney picked up Randy’s tablet and began pawing at the screen with rubbery webbed fingers. “Here, Gertie. I present to you the glory hole.”
Gertie squinted and cocked her head, obviously befuddled by the video. Her head suddenly jerked back and her eyes opened so wide I thought her eyeballs would fall right out. “Holy Mother Mary and little baby Jesus! Is that… ? Is he poking his pecker through a knothole? Why? A man would need to have great trust in strangers to stick his beloved mickey through a hole in the wall.”
“No, no no. Gertie’s got a great idea!” Brad said. “We can use an electronic glory hole—er, I mean peephole. We all know the perfect guy with the security camera systems for a shady job like this: Johnny Nipples.”
Johnny Nipples was Uncle Carmine’s other steadfast soldier. Together, with Hamster Dick, they comprised the sum total of Uncle Carmine’s geriatric crew. Johnny was well known for casing out jewelry stores and banks with secret cameras as a method to learn safe combinations. He had become quite skilled. In fact, his reputation was nearly legendary.
Fortunately, the Franchetti crime family talked a lot of smack, but never once found the courage, or stupidity, to carry out a single robbery. Rackets like gambling and rigging bids for state construction projects more than made up for missed opportunities.
Randy snapped his fingers. “I’m on it. I’ll make the call right now. You guys scoop up Ezzy’s hooker money. We’ll use it to pay Johnny Nipples.”
By the time Randy finished his sentence, I was already sprinting to my room. I hoped Gabe was still in the shower.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Scratch That Itch
“Yes! No more muskox smell.” I heard the muffled sound of water spraying in the shower. Closing the bathroom door, I quickly undressed. “Holy fog,” I mumbled, tiptoeing across the marble tile and into the steam-filled bathroom.
The glass encased shower was big enough to wash a small car in. “Finally, a shower you can actually have sex in.” I was serious. Anyone who has ever tried to have sex in a standard-sized shower knows it’s like two orangutans having sex in a phone booth.
Through the clouded glass, Gabe’s bronze body was partially visible. I was trembling with excitement and desire as I traced a heart on the pane. He, in turn, traced over the lines from the other side.
The door opened. He reached out, welcoming me.
I took his hand and followed his gentle pull until I was enveloped in his embrace. With my arms draped around his neck, my mouth met his warm kiss. Our tongues immediately joined and our welcoming kiss quickly turned urgent, and full of passion.
So much for the oft-scripted scene of two lovers sensually rubbing suds over each other. You can save that for naughty-visiting-nurse porn.
Every nerve in my body tingled from the sensation I felt from our bodies pressing together. His hands slid down my back and cupped my ass, pressing my mound and my tummy against his erection. Waves of passion rose through my body, making me gasp involuntarily as I broke away from our kiss. When his mouth moved to my neck I tried but failed to kiss his shoulder. I could only moa
n. My body had already moved into the autonomous mode that you normally only get once you reach full-bore passionate sex.
I slid a hand down between us, feeling the length and girth of his hard cock with long strokes from the head to his balls. Gabe’s height didn’t allow me to feel what I desperately needed; his cock inside of me. I half-heartedly lifted one leg, physically begging for him.
“I’ve missed you so much,” I panted. “I didn’t know when or if I’d ever see you again.”
“I missed you too. You have no idea. I love you, Kelly,” he said, his mouth went back to my neck.
“I… love… you… too,” I panted. His hand pushed mine away and he slipped his fingers between my legs. His fingertips caressed my clit, steadily moving in little circles. “Oh God, Gabe! Please fuck me already. You… you have to. I have to feel you inside me.”
I expected we would race to the bed and make love, but he surprised me with a personal first. His hand moved to the back of my thigh and lifted my leg. I had a pretty good idea of what he had in mind. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I started to comply, then paused for a few seconds. I really didn’t want to end up cracking my skull open on the shower floor.
You see, at five foot nine, I know I’m taller than the average girl, and I’m a full-bodied woman. To be frank, I’ve never been lifted up for sex like Gabe was working toward. No wall or other support, just to climb up and hang on while he bounces me on his cock like a blow up sex doll. For a little pixie-sized girl like Gertie and her massive, hunky fireman, Brad, I’d be willing to bet it’s just another position. Not for me, never.
But Gabe’s big solid frame and werebear strength made me feel confident and secure. He swiftly lifted me up and slowly lowered me down, barely penetrating me. My legs wrapped around his back as he finally lowered me down on every thick, long inch.
“Oh. My. God,” I gasped. Our mouths met in a passionate kiss once again. Gabe’s size always caught me off guard anyway, and took a bit to get used to, but the way he had me positioned, and the control he had over me, was like nothing I’d felt before. I actually shouted, or screamed, in response to every thrust. What words I shouted, I’ll never know. One mind-blowing orgasm after another had turned me into a blathering idiot. At least I was a happy idiot.
Shame of Clones: A Paranormal Romantic Comedy (Karma Inc. Files Book 3) Page 14