Ghoulish

by Kat Bellamy

  In fact, he felt better than he had in a long time, other than the guilt. He could understand what Stan meant about keeping his strength under wraps. He’d had a close call with a particularly stubborn beam that had snapped in his grasp, but he’d brushed it off as rotted wood and Evan and Chuck were none the wiser. To be fair, neither of them were known for their observational skills.

  Susan texted Colt during the middle of his shift to remind him about dinner the following evening and he couldn’t help but smile. The rest of the day passed so swiftly that by the time five o’clock rolled around, when Colt would usually be feeling the effects of a full day of labor, he still felt like he had just arrived on site. Once he arrived home, he opened the refrigerator and looked at the plastic container of meat Susan had sent with him, but decided to save it in case he needed it and popped it into the freezer for better longevity.

  Colt reached for the phone and started to dial Jason’s number before he thought better of it. He didn’t trust himself to be alone with Jason or any other human, for that matter. Not until he had more answers and more experience under his belt. The more time that passed, the easier it was to forget what he’d done, but the mugger’s lifeless eyes as he stared off into space would never quite leave him. Not even as he slept more soundly than he had in years.

  Colt made it through work the next morning and dinner with the Brown family the following evening. Ronnie was silent and sullen as usual, and Colt was beginning to think that his presence in the household had less to do with the teen’s mood than he had originally feared. Susan and Stan peppered him with questions about his day and whether he’d had any “close calls.” It seemed a rather casual way to phrase the possibility that he might go cannibal on another human being at any given time, but as friendly as the ghouls were, it was obvious to Colt that there was a whole hell of a lot of difference between “blending in” with humans and being one of them.

  In between the smalltalk and hospital anecdotes, Colt managed to learn a bit more about the world he unwittingly found himself a part of. He got the feeling the Browns were trying not to overwhelm him, but the pieces that were fitting together formed a picture of a society connected yet separate from humanity that rivaled the country club politics Jason’s family played any day.

  There were thousands of ghouls worldwide, and hundreds in the state of Rhode Island alone. They were police, teachers, politicians, housewives and thespians and Colt almost certainly passed one or two each day without realizing it. There was no way to tell a ghoul apart from a human from sight alone. Their senses were no more or less sharp than a normal human’s, but most of them knew each other through the tight-knit social circles they formed called echelons. Each echelon policed itself to a large degree, and there were regular meetings to ensure that everyone stayed on the same page. Stan had already made his echelon aware of Colt’s presence, and since he had been taken under the Browns’ wings, no other ghouls would bother him as long as he kept a low profile and didn’t risk exposure.

  Exposure, he learned, was one of the few laws that governed the global Kinship of ghouls, and while they were far more lax when it came to the violation of human law, the punishment for exposure was swift and decisive. Any ghoul who risked exposing his own kind was given to the Moreau family as a “tribute,” which was a sugarcoated way of saying they ate him alive. Of the fact that Stan and Susan had saved his life, there was no question. Colt just still wasn’t sure if their good deed was worthwhile.

  In any case, he felt a sense of responsibility to not bring any scrutiny upon the family that had so generously taken him in. It was a similar if subtler version of the obligation that had turned him from a troubled preteen into a model student in an attempt to prove that his adoptive parents’ kindness wasn’t unappreciated. He couldn’t escape the guilt that plagued him whenever he had a moment alone with his thoughts, but between work and everything the Brown family was teaching him, he had sufficient fuel for distraction.

  And then there was Jason. Colt had been avoiding his texts and calls like a coward, but he knew he couldn’t go on avoiding him forever. He had started out trying to stay clear of Jason out of shame for what he’d done, both at the restaurant and in the horrific moments that followed his emotional outburst, but now he was avoiding his best friend out of fear. Fear that he’d betray the confidence that both his life and the Brown family’s depended on, fear that he would say or do something to hurt Jason even more than he already had, fear that the monster he’d turned into in that alley was still lurking just beneath the surface, ready to take over again at the worst time. Only this time, his victim wouldn’t be a criminal on the other end of a gun. It would be the one person Colt couldn’t imagine life without, and the only one he had never lied to.

  Armed with the justification that telling Jason the truth would only mean putting him in danger and placing an undue burden on his shoulders when he’d already expended so much emotional energy dealing with Colt’s problems, Colt set off for the dorms.

  During the one year Colt had spent at junior college before dropping out to pursue his trade, he’d rarely seen reason to socialize. The fact that most of the other students were commuters who went to class and straight home suited him just fine, even though Renee had always insisted he was missing out on “the college experience.” As Colt watched the students gathered in the lobby, draped over various upholstered surfaces while they socialized or read passively, he found himself just as bewildered by human behavior as he had been then. At least now he had something to blame it on.

  Colt climbed the stairs and found room 313. He realized showing up unannounced was probably the last thing he should have done, but after half a week of ignoring Jason’s texts and phone calls, replying electronically seemed equally shitty. He raised his fist to knock and talked himself out of it a few times before the door flew open and he found himself face-to-face with Jason.

  A series of emotions projected themselves across Jason’s face in rapid succession, first confusion, then relief, then anger. Indignation was where he settled and Jason gripped the doorknob so tight Colt could see the raised outline of a vein beneath his skin. “I guess you didn’t fall off the face of the earth after all.”

  “I’m sorry,” Colt said, deciding to get the words out of the way. He doubted it would be the last time he apologized that night.

  “Sorry?” Jason folded his arms. “You left me at a restaurant and I haven’t heard from you for three days, and you’re ‘sorry?’”

  “Okay, I’m really sorry,” Colt said. “And an asshole who doesn’t deserve the chance to apologize, but I’m kind of hoping it’s enough of a habit that you’ll let me anyway?”

  Jason looked away. His temper was as fiery as his mother’s, but it never lasted for long. He was too forgiving, if anything, but Colt wasn’t above taking advantage of that. He’d done worse. “Come on in,” he said, stepping back to let Colt inside the small but well-organized room. There was a bunk bed, the bottom half of which was covered with books and an open laptop. A flatscreen sat on the dresser across the room, and music was coming from one of the many gadgets Jason collected. Between the on-demand cable box, the digital assistants and the ghost radar, Colt had a hard time keeping track. Jason always had been a technophile.

  Colt shut the door behind him and took a seat in the desk chair at Jason’s behest. “Want anything to drink?” Jason asked, resting a hand on the door to his mini fridge.

  “Thanks, I’m good.”

  “Well, I need a beer,” said Jason, taking one out of a new six pack. He strained with the cap for a few seconds before looking around, muttering something about his lost bottle opener.

  “I’ve got it,” Colt said, holding out his hand.

  Jason scowled but he reluctantly handed the bottle over. Colt twisted the cap off easily and handed it back.

  “My hero,” Jason said dryly, taking a sip.

  “Listen, about what happened the other night,” Colt began, running a hand th
rough his hair. “You were right. I wasn’t myself. I’m still not, but I took it out on you and I’m sorry. There’s no excuse for what I did.”

  “Are we talking about you giving me an ultimatum or the silent treatment?”

  “Both,” Colt admitted. “You know me, I’m not good with words and shit. I just didn’t know how to face you after that.” Or after leaving a man dead in an alley.

  “We could have worked through it. We’ve been through worse,” Jason muttered. “You’ve never shut me out like that before. And trying to push me to come out to my parents, that was a really, really shitty thing to do.”

  “I know it was,” Colt said, standing. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say.”

  Jason bit down on his bottom lip and Colt could tell he was struggling to hold onto his anger. If there was one thing Jason hated, it was confrontation. Ironic for someone who wanted to base his career on arguing, but Colt knew even that was probably a form of coping. Jason always had been one to face his fears head on rather than running from them. It was yet another reason they shouldn’t have been friends let alone lovers, but if the last few days had confirmed anything, it was that Colt wasn’t selfless enough to walk away.

  “It’s okay,” Jason said, letting out a heavy sigh. “I’m sorry, too.”

  “For what? You didn’t do anything.”

  “I pressured you about finding your biological parents. That was a pretty shitty thing to do, too.”

  “You were just trying to help.”

  “Yeah, but that doesn’t make it okay. You’re right, I do try to fix people. I hate it when my parents treat me like a project, and that’s exactly what I did to you.” He finally met Colt’s eyes. “If I forgive you for being a temperamental asshole, can you forgive me for being a meddling prick?”

  Colt smirked. “I’ve forgiven you for worse.”

  Jason rolled his eyes. “I guess the time apart did give me time to think about some things. I was going to hunt you down if you hadn’t come over.”

  “Before you say anything, there’s something else I need to tell you,” Colt said, taking a moment to pause. The truth was always on the tip of his tongue when he was around Jason, but this wasn’t a confession he could make. Not even to his best friend. Especially not to him.

  “What is it?” Jason asked, his eyes filling with concern.

  “I just want you to know how much you mean to me,” Colt said, the words sticking in his throat. The more he needed to say something, the harder it was to get out. “I think sometimes I get so caught up in my feelings for you that I forget it’s not what we are that matters. It’s you. I need you in my life, one way or another, and I want to be what you need. If all you ever need from me is friendship, I’ll find a way to be good with that.”

  “Colt --”

  “I’m not saying it’ll be easy,” he added with a laugh. “But it’ll be okay.” He came to stand in front of Jason, resisting the urge to reach out and touch him like he always wanted to. Being alone was enough of a gamble, even though he’d fed recently enough that food was the last thing on his mind, human flesh or otherwise. “I just needed you to know that.”

  “I appreciate that more than you know,” Jason said softly, reaching out to brush his hand against Colt’s. The innocent gesture sparked more of a response in Colt than far more intimate touch with anyone else ever had. “But I don’t want to be just friends. I think that ship sailed a long time ago.”

  Colt searched his face, looking for any sign of doubt or coercion. “Is this about what I said? Because --”

  “It’s not,” Jason said. “But it did get me thinking. If it weren’t for being afraid of what my parents think, I’d already be dating you. I mean, we practically are, we just haven’t put a label on it and that’s not fair to either of us.”

  “But you don’t have to label it. I’m not in your situation. Even if my parents did care about me being with a guy, it wouldn’t matter. It wouldn’t affect anything.”

  “I’m graduating next semester, Colt. I’ve been telling myself I just have to wait for the right time ever since I figured out I was gay. High school graduation, getting into Brown, graduating, passing the bar… There are always going to be these imaginary deadlines, but the truth is, there’s never going to be a right time to do what’s right for me if I keep waiting on their approval.”

  “I just don’t want you to do something you’re not ready for because of me.”

  “I’m not doing this for you. Not completely,” Jason said, squeezing Colt’s hand. “I’m tired of lying, and I’m tired of having to take my pretend girlfriend to family dinners and holidays when you’re the one I really want by my side. I’ll get into law school one way or another, but it’s going to be on my terms, not theirs.”

  “I think you can do anything you put your mind to,” Colt said, brushing a strand of hair out of Jason’s face. He let his hand linger, not quite ready to lose contact. “But with or without your parents’ approval, you’re still so far out of my league we’re not even playing the same game.”

  Jason smiled, leaning into Colt’s hand. “I always liked the games you played better than anyone else’s.”

  Those words sent a surge of arousal straight down Colt’s spine. He leaned in and pressed his lips to Jason’s, relishing the other man’s warmth. Between his work and Jason’s finals, it had been weeks since they’d been alone together and longer still since they’d been intimate.

  This time, when Jason’s lips found his own, the kiss was tender and searching. Colt was more keenly aware of how sweet Jason’s skin tasted, and how smooth those lips were against his own. His tongue flicked out over Jason’s bottom lip, requesting entrance, and the other man gave it. Colt had Jason up against a wall before he even realized that was his intention, his hands exploring the toned planes of Jason’s chest and stomach underneath his shirt as his tongue darted in and out of his mouth, tasting, exploring.

  “Colt,” Jason breathed as Colt’s lips found his neck. His voice was full of surprise, but Colt could feel his erection through his jeans as he ground against it with his own. He parted Jason’s legs with his knee and relished how much faster it made his lover’s heart start beating.

  It didn’t occur to him that he shouldn’t have been able to hear Jason’s heartbeat until his teeth were scraping against the other man’s neck. Jason’s pleasured moans turned to a gasp as Colt nipped a bit too hard. He felt the familiar itch of fangs protruding through his gums and flew back, nearly colliding with Jason’s mini fridge.

  “Colt?” Jason asked worriedly, raising a hand to his neck. “What’s wrong? Why’d you stop?”

  “Did I...hurt you?”

  Jason frowned, looking down at his hand. There was no blood as far as Colt could smell, but he’d come way too close to breaking the skin for comfort and hadn’t even realized it until it was too late. “No. At least, not in a way I minded,” he said with a sheepish smile, his eyes still hooded with lust.

  “I should go,” Colt said, moving to the door before he could change his mind.

  “What? Why?” Jason moved to his side, looking Colt over worriedly. “Talk to me, please.”

  “I can’t. I just...I need to go, I’m sorry,” Colt repeated, opening the door. Jason was the one in danger, but Colt felt like he was cornered alone with Jason in that small space. This had been a mistake.

  “Okay,” Jason murmured. Colt could see the wheels turning in his head. “Will you call me later?”

  “Yeah, sure,” Colt said. Anything to get out of that room. He let Jason’s door fall shut and tore down the stairs, ignoring the strange looks he was getting as he rushed to his truck. He waited until the engine was on and the air was blasting to breathe. Jason’s scent was still clinging to his clothes, beckoning him back to damnation, so he tore the jacket off and threw it in the back.

  “Fuck,” he gritted out, his knuckles white as he gripped the wheel and forced himself to focus enough to get to the one place he coul
d think of to run to.

  Chapter 6

  “But you didn’t break the skin?” Susan asked, setting a cup of tea in front of Colt. He took a sip and it was bitter, like it had been spiked. Whether it was blood or alcohol, Colt didn’t care to ask. It did the job of soothing his frayed nerves, either way.

  “No, but I wanted to. I think I would have if it had gone any further,” he admitted. When he’d arrived, Susan was the only one home and Colt found himself hoping Stan wasn’t the jealous type.

  “But it didn’t. There’s that,” she said, sitting across from him as she sipped her own tea.

  “I could have hurt him. I could have…” Colt trailed off, unwilling to voice the horrible possibility he’d come so close to making a reality.

  Susan watched him closely, smiling a bit. “You must care an awful lot about him.”

  “Because I don’t want to eat him?” Colt asked, cocking an eyebrow.

  Susan laughed. “Forgive me, I’m not used to being around a ghoul so…”

  “Pathetic?” Colt offered.

  “Human. There’s nothing pathetic about wanting to protect someone you love.”

  “This is crazy, isn’t it?” Colt asked. “It’s not possible for something like this to work. A ghoul and a human, I mean.”

  “I wouldn't say it’s impossible, but it’s certainly going to be a challenge. The strength of the instincts vary widely from one ghoul to another. It’s hard to say what your limits are until you’ve reached them,” she said, placing her teacup in its saucer. “For most of us, it’s not such an issue. When we make a mistake, there are ways of making it go away.”

  “You mean making the body disappear.”

  Susan gave him a sympathetic look. “It’s rare for a ghoul to form such a strong attachment to a human. We’re raised to see them as prey.”