Shadow of Hope: Book 4 - Shadow Series

by Barbara Goss

  “Miles Croft wants to report my behavior to the school council, but my problem never triggers itself there. It’s like the only place where my mind is focused on what I love most—teaching. Children touching me, does not affect me at all.

  “Violet—she’s beautiful, petite, graceful, and has the sweetest voice and personality. I fell in love with her, but still kept my physical distance, because I knew that with her, I’d lose any strength I had. We worked closely together while planning the camp, and I took her to dinner every time I was in Abilene. I fell hard for her, and put much time and money into the relationship. I felt that she might want more from the arrangement, but I knew that I just couldn’t. But one night she kissed my cheek, and I nearly lost it. I prayed as hard as I could and was able to keep myself under control, but decided it was time to propose. I did, and she refused. She said she couldn’t marry a man she hadn’t even kissed. What was I to do?”

  John Martin nodded in understanding.

  “So one day at the caves, near the camp, I held her hand—it felt so soft, and…well…I felt tempted, but fought it. Then she stumbled, and would have fallen had I not caught her, but in so doing, I touched her bosom. That drove me over the line; I went crazy. It had been years since I’d touched a woman’s bosom, and I couldn't help myself, especially with a woman I loved so ardently. I scared her pretty badly. She forgave me, but she isn’t forgetting.

  “So now I’m desperate. I have to marry this woman. I was drawn to her, and when I had her alone the last day at camp, I gave her a chance to say she’d marry me, then, I decided to force her hand,” Gavin hung his head. “I’m not proud of what I did. I physically attacked her again. I held her mouth so she couldn’t scream and wake the whole camp. I had her on the ground, and I kissed and groped her, but I had no intention of going any further, I swear—I was just trying to get her to agree to marry me. I told her I’d stop only if she agreed to marry me. I wouldn’t have gone further—at least I hadn’t planned to. I’m almost sure I wouldn’t have—” He swiped at the tears falling from his eyes. “I never wanted anyone as much as I wanted Violet. I thought that marrying her was my only solution. Yet, she refused.

  “Well, that’s my problem,” Gavin said as he again rubbed the moisture from his eyes. “So you have before you a monster, a would-be rapist, and a perverted sex maniac—how can you possibly heal me?”

  John Martin’s first instinct was to walk around the desk and put his arms around the man, but if he was that sensitive to physical touch, he decided it might not be such a good idea.

  “Gavin, I won’t lie to you—your problem is a serious one, and it might take a while to heal, but it can be done. I think you need to also see a physician who might check your hormone levels; it could be a medical issue. However, God can help you.

  “Satan is at work here. You see, Satan knows each of our weaknesses, and that’s where he attacks us, at our Achilles’ Heel. Usually the weakness is sex or money, but I suppose there might be others. Even some ministers fall when Satan attacks them. Not everyone has the strength and faith to fight Satan. It seems Satan likes to attack those who are doing something good for God, the most. He wants to get rid of them by tempting them to do evil things. The camp—Satan doesn’t want the kids learning about God, so he’s perhaps trying to tempt you into evil to stop the camp. We need to always wear our armor.

  “The first thing we need to work on is the touching. You need to start getting used to being touched. Have you any family members who you could have purposely touch you over and over on a daily basis? This will help you to get used to someone touching you.

  “As for the physical urges, that’s something you and only you can fix, and they are mental in origin. You have to pray for God to help you to fight Satan. He’s the one pushing you to do those things, because I can tell that you are ashamed and sorry for doing them. Coming here and confessing to me took strength, so I know that you can do it.”

  “I have no family except my son, Timothy,” Gavin said.

  “How is your relationship with Timothy?” John asked.

  “Not good. I can’t bring myself to hug him or kiss him, although I knew how much I craved those things as a child, I just can’t bring myself to do them. It feels awkward.”

  “Then start with him,” John said. “Do those things.

  “I wish you had a woman relative, but just start with Timothy. If you could find a woman who you like but you aren’t physically attracted to, maybe you could just tell her enough to allow her to touch your arms, face, and such,” Reverend Martin said.

  “There is Trina,” Gavin said. “She’s a blind woman that lives next door, and I sort of take care of her. She’s not attractive, but she’s a very nice woman. She might help me.”

  “Good! Practice with her. Maybe tell her about your early upbringing and how because you never had affection as a child, you find it hard to give it to your son, so you need some practice with non-sexual contact.”

  “Most importantly,” Martin said, “get right with God. Confess your sins to Him and ask for forgiveness. If you are truly sorry—which I think you are—He’ll forgive you, and not only that, your past will be forgotten as if it had never happened.

  “When we give God access to the center of our behavior, He’s ready and available to provide lasting change. Then you must discover how you can partner with Him to stay free. This might involve having a written plan for how to manage the feelings that precede your desire. The Holy Spirit is able to guide you into truth and can bring you the strength, partnered with the tools to navigate your God-given sex drive. God will never give you something you’re not able to manage.”

  Gavin stood, wiped his eyes with his handkerchief and said, “Thank you, Reverend.”

  “Come back to see me in a month and let me know how you’re doing. In the meantime, I’ll pray for you, and after our service Sunday, I’ll have the congregation pray for a nameless troubled person.”

  Miles knocked on Caleb and Julia’s door. Julia flung the door open, grabbed him, and hugged him. Then she said, “Where have you been? I’ve been to your house several times and you weren’t there. I went to the bank and you weren’t there, either.”

  “I took a week off to work at the camp for kids. It was a rewarding experience, one I plan to do every year,” he said.

  “Well, come on in. Caleb’s in the sitting room, and I’ll bring in some tea.”

  Miles took a seat on the sofa and exchanged warm greetings with Caleb. “Your sister missed you,” Caleb said. “She was worried.”

  “Why would she worry? I’m a grown man.”

  “Owing to the split up with Violet she thought maybe you’d gone off the deep end, or something,” Caleb said.

  “I did go off the deep end. You, better than anyone, know how much I loved that woman,” Miles said.

  “I do know, and I still can’t believe she chose teaching over someone who loves her as much as you do,” he said.

  “No! Not as much as I do—as much as I did. I’m over it, but I’ll tell you one thing—I’ll never, ever, put my heart in that situation ever again. It’s too painful, Caleb.”

  “I met the man she teaches with—McKenzie, is it? I don’t care for him at all. He has shifty eyes.”

  “Be that as it may, she made the choice,” Miles said. “But you’re right, he is shifty. I’ve saved her from his physical advances twice now. And I think she’s no longer seeing him, and she’s quitting her job.”

  “Physical advances? What happened? I’ll kill him!” Caleb said.

  “I nearly did, Twice. But it’s up to her to give you the details, but she’s fine.”

  “I’m glad you were at least there for her, then, but did you say she isn’t seeing him anymore? That’s the best news! Say, maybe you and she—”

  “No!” Miles said firmly. “Never again. Truly, Caleb, I couldn’t go through that pain again. If I opened up my heart to her, and she broke it off again…no, I can’t take that chance. B
esides, if she was that unsure of her love for me, what could possible change her feelings now? You either love someone or you don’t.”

  Julia came in with a tea tray. “Looks like I came in just in time. Caleb felt that same way about me once, too. I had to prove myself. Sometimes we make mistakes, Miles. Did she ever say that she never loved you, outright?”

  “No, but she did say that she loved me, but she loved her teaching and independence more.”

  “Well, there you are,” Caleb said, “the problem has been removed. She isn’t teaching anymore,” he said.

  “I can’t take that chance; I’d rather stay single,” Miles said.

  Violet moped around the house. Knowing Gavin was still out there somewhere scared her. She feared going out. She had begun to have nightmares, and she was afraid she would cry out in the night and her mother would question her. She had to find out where Gavin was and what was happening with him, but how? She didn’t dare tell her mother about the attacks, or anyone else, for that matter. She thought about going to Reverend Martin, but anything that went on between Gavin and Martin would be privileged information, and he wouldn’t be able to tell her anything. There was only one person she could go to and that was Miles.

  She got into her buggy around five that day. She knew Miles left work at that time, and usually went to Pete’s for dinner. She’d try to catch him there. She took special care with her appearance and wore a pink ruffled summer outfit that Miles had always favored. Thinking of the day last summer, at the river, when she’d last wore it, made her heart palpitate.

  Miles was sitting at a table with his back to the entrance when she walked into Pete’s. She wanted to give him warning before she sat down at his table, so she called his name softly.

  “Miles,” she said. “May I join you?”

  He looked shocked to see her, and didn’t smile. “Um, sure.” He stood and pulled out the chair across from him, rather than the one next to him. She noticed these details as she tried to measure how he really felt about her.

  When he’d resumed sitting, she said, “I apologize for disrupting your dinner, but I had to find out what’s going on with Gavin McKenzie,” she said.

  “Martin couldn’t tell me anything about their meeting, but he did tell me to hold off on reporting his behavior to the school council until he saw McKenzie in a month. He’s trying some type of new therapy on him, and he’s hopeful he can help him. That’s all he’d tell me.”

  “Can I order something for you to eat?” Miles asked. “I’ve just put my order in, but I can tell them to hold it until yours is ready.”

  “I’d like that; I haven’t eaten yet. I’ll have whatever you’re having. We always liked the same dishes,” she said with a blush.

  “I’ll be right back.”

  Miles went to the counter, talked to the waiter, and then returned.

  “How did his son get home from camp? I don’t recall seeing him leave,” Violet said.

  “I took him home that night, after I left you. I took both of them back to Salina, made him leave his son with his neighbor, and then I brought him back to see Martin,” he said.

  “You didn’t sleep at all?” she asked.

  “No, but I’ve gone a day or two without sleeping before, and it doesn’t bother me,” he said.

  “Do you think he’s in Salina? I’m afraid to leave the house, Miles. I’m terrified of him.”

  “I think you should carry a small pistol, then. I can’t guarantee he won’t come looking for you. He claims he’s in love with you, and did everything in order to get you to agree to marry him.”

  “I don’t think I could stand to even be in the same room with him after that last attack. Do you realize how close I was to being…being…”

  “Ruined? It was dark. I only saw you struggling and him with his hand over your mouth.”

  “Well, he came a lot closer this time. I can’t stop trembling, just thinking about it.”

  “Our dinner is coming. Shall we talk about something more pleasant, then?” Miles asked.

  She smiled. “Yes, please.”

  For Miles, having dinner with Violet again caused him to experience feelings he’d rather not have. How many nights had they sat like this, enjoying a good dinner, and ending the evening with their kisses and hugs? He tried to act like he was just having a meal with an old friend, but inside he was experiencing everything all over again. He wanted to reach over and kiss her, and hold her tightly as he had that night.

  He had to stop thinking this way. They were friends, nothing more.

  Yet the feel of her that night as she trembled in his arms wouldn’t leave his memory. He wished she hadn’t joined him for dinner, because it was raking up memories that made him yearn for something he knew better than to crave ever again.

  He ate, but didn’t remember tasting a thing. He tried to keep his eyes on his plate and his conversation general: the weather, the new park monument, and church activities.

  When they’d finished eating, Miles refused her offer to split the check. He paid for the meals, and then didn’t know what to do next. This was when they usually got in some kissing time, but that was impossible now.

  How might he suggest that it would be best if he went home and she did the same?

  They stood there by the door, without saying a word. Miles wondered if she was thinking about their old routine as well.

  “So, it was nice sharing a meal with you again, Violet. I hope you'll take my advice and get a gun. I’m sure one of your brothers-in-law can get you one. You’ll feel safer with it,” he said.

  “I will, and thank you. It was nice getting out of the house. I’ve been afraid to leave home,” she said as she turned to leave the restaurant.

  They walked out into the cool, evening air. “What a lovely night!” he said, as he gazed up at the clear sky, but he was thinking about so many other nights like this when they'd been together—happy, exciting nights.

  He walked to his buggy.

  “I don’t like you riding alone in the dark. Shall I follow you?” he offered.

  “Oh, yes!” she said without hesitation. “Please!”

  She looked so vulnerable, and frightened, it took all his will power not to take her into his arms and hug her. He hated to see her so scared and unsure of herself. It was so unlike his Violet.

  There. He’d done it. He’d called her ‘his’ in his thoughts. Would this night never end?

  Chapter 12

  Ivy and Jonas sat down with Zoe and explained that Uncle Sam would be working at the ranch. Zoe seemed leery.

  “You told me not to talk to strangers. I don’t know him, Mama. I don’t like him at all.”

  Alfie sat next to Zoe during the discussion, nodding his agreement.

  “He came to the house and he apologized, Zoe,” Jonas said. “He just wanted to get to know you better; he never meant to hurt you. He also apologized for scaring us. He seems like a nice man. I think you could at least be friendly to him when you see him, and that’s all we’ll ask of you. Be polite to him just as you would any of the other men working here. That goes for you, too Alfie.”

  “But,” Ivy said, “you still don’t go with anyone you don’t know, even Uncle Sam.”

  Zoe and Alfie played tag in the yard later that day. Jonas watched from the window and saw Samson observing them play as he led a horse around the corral. He tied the horse and walked toward the children. Jonas watched with alertness.

  He smiled at the children as he approached them. He stopped a slight distance from them, leaning on a fence post, and Jonas could see that he said something to them. Zoe simply nodded, then Samson moved a bit closer to Zoe, and Alfie stepped out in front of her to face Samson, wearing a threatening look on his face, refusing to let him near her. Jonas smiled. He left the window, confident that his daughter's loyal protector was on the job.

  Violet wanted to take Miles’s advice and get a small gun for protection. She wasn’t sure if she could use one, but if she w
ere ever in the same situation as she was that night at camp, she thought that she could.

  Who should she ask? Jonas?

  No. She’d have to explain what happened, and he’d go crazy and most likely take his own gun and hunt Gavin down.

  Maybe Quinn, but then Rose would surely get upset and since she was nursing Joshua, she thought better of it.

  That left Caleb.

  Julia greeted her warmly, which surprised Violet—seeing that she was Miles’s sister, and she knew how badly Violet had hurt Miles, despite him acting as if it didn’t bother him at all.

  “Caleb will be pleased to see you. He’s in the craft house. I’ll show you where it is.”

  Violet followed Julia to a large building behind the stable. Caleb was bent over a fancy table, sanding it. He stopped to greet her warmly.

  “Is this a private chat? Because I could go back to the house if it is,” Julia said.

  “No. Stay, Julia. It’s personal, but you’re Caleb’s wife, so anything I can say to him I can say to you.”

  Julia smiled.

  “Let’s sit down, then,” Caleb said. He walked to where he had a sofa and chair on the far end of the building. “What’s going on?” He waited until the ladies were seated before he took a seat himself.

  Violet fidgeted with the lace on her dress, then blurted out, “I need a gun. Can you get me one and show me how to use it?”

  Caleb’s eyes widened. “What?”

  “I need protection. I’m afraid when I go out alone.”

  “Does this have anything to do with the physical attacks from that teacher you work with?” Caleb asked.

  “Who told you?” Violet asked.

  “Miles told me, but only enough to explain why you weren’t seeing that snake anymore. He wouldn’t give me any details.”