Connie’s Courage

by Groves, Annie

  Putting this somewhere I can’t hear it,’ she told Ellie flatly.

  Give her to me!’ Ellie demanded, her face softening as Connie handed her the small bundle.

  Oh, Connie, look at her. She is so gorgeous. Connie!’ she protested as Connie turned round and started to walk back to her room.

  I don’t want it, Ellie. If you want it, then you keep it.’

  TWENTY-THREE

  What are you going to call her, Connie? She can’t be “Baby” for ever!’

  Connie stiffened, refusing to look at Ellie who was seated, lovingly cradling the baby in her arms. It was November and three months since she had given birth.

  Call her whatever you wish, Ellie,’ she answered her curtly. I don’t care.’

  Between them Ellie and Iris might have been able to virtually force her to feed the wretched child, but she had no interest whatsoever in naming it. She loathed everything about it, especially that feeling that pierced her when she felt it tugging avidly on her nipple.

  ‘Well, if you refuse to suckle her then I shall find a wet nurse who will,’ Ellie had told her determinedly, when Connie had said the baby could starve to death for all she cared.

  Find one then,’ she had answered her sister sharply.

  But, in the end, nature itself had conspired against her, giving her an abundance of milk that flowed from her breasts every time the wretched child cried. Since it was hungry constantly, Connie had been forced to give in, if only to ensure that she had some peace.

  ‘Connie, believe me I can understand how you feel,’ Ellie told her gently. ‘But it is not this poor baby’s fault that you, that her father … She is not to blame, Connie!

  ‘No? It is her existence that has condemned me to a life of fabrication and dependency on others, Ellie. It is because of her that I am no longer Sister Pride. It is because of her that I have had to lay claim to a husband who never existed. John Smith!’ She pulled a face. ‘Couldn’t Gideon have been a little more imaginative?

  ‘He chose the name because there were so many John Smiths amongst those who have fallen, Connie,’ Ellie chided her quietly. ‘With such a name, Baby will easily pass anonymously.

  Baby!

  ‘If she must be named, then name her as Lydia Harriet!

  Connie didn’t know which of them was the more astonished by her sudden outburst, Ellie or herself.

  ‘Lydia Harriet! Oh, Connie, how pretty. And Lydia for Mama! she approved.

  Connie could feel her face beginning to burn, as she waited for her sister to ask her what had made her choose Harriet as the baby’s second name, but Ellie seemed to be unaware of her self-conscious discomfort, prattling excitedly instead about christening bonnets and gowns.

  Later, when she was alone with the wretched thing suckling eagerly and unwantedly at her breast, Connie asked herself what on earth had made her name her for Harry. She was not his child after all! His child! Had she, his wife – his widow – named her child for him as well?

  The baby wailed as Connie pushed her away from her breast and put her down, to get up and pace the room in anguished pain. How different things would have been were this child Harry’s. Angrily, she went over to the baby and looked down at her.

  A pair of intensely blue eyes focused on her, their gaze open and innocent – trusting – untouched by the darkness of Connie’s emotions. A pain, a feeling, a sense of her heart turning over slowly inside her chest gripped her.

  Shakily, Connie crouched down and looked, really looked, at her child for the first time.

  She has the Barclay looks, Connie,’ Ellie had told her happily. More so than any of the other babies of our generation. Aunt Gibson might claim that Cecily’s Charlotte is going to be the beauty of the family, but our little one here will outmatch her!’

  Connie had ignored Ellie’s prediction, but now she could see what her sister had meant. The dark cap of hair had already begun to curl; the delphinium blue eyes were beautifully shaped and set between thick, dark lashes. The little nose already showed signs of elegance.

  Wonderingly Connie reached out and touched the soft skin. Immediately she got a smiling dimpled response and a happy gurgle.

  ‘She is such a happy loving baby,’ Ellie had told her.

  Her small hand reached out and grasped Connie’s finger. A feeling swelled inside Connie bursting past her own carefully built indifference. Unable to stop herself, Connie picked her up and held her tightly, whilst grief and pain flooded her.

  This was her child, Hers! Emotionally she looked into the dark blue eyes gripped by a fiercely powerful surge of protective love.

  ‘Well, I don’t know why you claim she has the Barclay looks, Ellie, because I can see nothing of them in her myself.’ Amelia Gibson sniffed as she looked disparagingly at the pretty face framed by the lacy christening bonnet.

  It had been Ellie who had insisted on having a lavish family party to celebrate Lydia’s christening, and now as she listened angrily to their aunt, Connie was beginning to wish she had not given way and agreed.

  Ellie though, as proud godmother, was thoroughly enjoying showing off the new addition to the family to their assembled relatives.

  ‘And besides, Amelia Gibson was continuing, ‘for all we know she may very well take after her father’s family! There are none of them here today, I notice.

  Connie could feel herself beginning to stiffen, but she was spared the necessity of saying anything by Gideon who immediately stepped in and responded smoothly, ‘Sadly Connie’s husband was not in the fortunate position of having a large family around him.

  ‘But he must have had parents, Amelia was insisting.

  ‘Of course, Gideon agreed. ‘But both are dead.

  ‘I see. So your child has no father and no paternal family whatsoever, Connie. And what of her father? We hear nothing of him from you, and one might almost suppose …

  ‘I do not think we should be reminding Connie of such sadness on what is meant, after all, to be a happy occasion,’ Gideon interceded firmly.

  ‘I hope you realise what a very fortunate and privileged young woman you are, Connie, especially after the trouble you caused and the disgrace you brought on yourself!

  Her Aunt Gibson was determined to have her say and to make her disapproval felt, Connie recognised, trapped in a corner of the room whilst the older woman lectured and hectored her.

  ‘Don’t think though that I am deceived!’

  Connie frowned and looked sharply at her. As to that, Aunt. I hope that you mean that you were deceived as to the wisdom of you, and my mother’s other sisters stealing us from our father!’

  How dare you say such a thing! Although of course, it’s typical of you that you do! You should think yourself lucky that you are still accepted as a member of this family, Constance, especially when …’ Her lips pursed, and she looked deliberately from the rings Connie was wearing to where Ellie was holding Lydia Harriet.

  A leopard does not change its spots!’ she pronounced darkly.

  ‘Meaning what, exactly?’ Connie demanded.

  You know perfectly well to what I refer! The disgrace you brought on yourself when you were in my sister’s charitable care!’

  Connie had had enough. Nothing will satisfy you, will it, Aunt, other than having your suspicions confirmed! What is it you want me to say? That I am not, and never have been, married? That my child is a bastard born out of wedlock. That …’

  Connie.’

  She looked blindly at Ellie as she felt the gentle pressure of her sister’s hand on her arm.

  Please excuse us, Aunt …’

  As she swept Connie away, Ellie gave her arm a little shake and told her, You must try not to mind Aunt Gibson, Connie. I am afraid that much of the reason she is so unpleasant is my fault. She has never forgiven me for the fact that Gideon is so wealthy and well thought of! It would suit her much better if she were able to patronise us all. And despite what she says, our lovely little Lydia is the most beautiful baby in the who
le family!

  ‘Ellie, I don’t think she will ever believe that I was married, and what is more I feel she is determined to force me into admitting as much. She hates me!

  Ellie gave her a sympathetic look.

  With Lydia Harriet over three months old, it had been agreed that Connie should be officially out of mourning, and for the christening she was wearing one of the new outfits Ellie had generously insisted on her having.

  The cut and style of her dress with its matching coat was far more expensive than anything Connie herself could have afforded, and in some ways she felt almost a fraud wearing it. As she did in pretending to have a husband and the respectability to which she had no real right?

  Despite her now genuine love for her baby, sometimes Connie felt as though she was suffocating in her new life. She longed to be back at the Infirmary. Working … being amongst people with whom she felt she had things in common, and by whom she was accepted and valued.

  ‘Connie, you have not been yourself these last few weeks. Is it because of what Aunt Gibson said at the christening?

  ‘Only sort of … Connie answered her, and then burst out, ‘Ellie, I miss my work so much. Just listening to Iris talking about the hospital makes me feel so wretched, and since she mentioned the other week how all the hospitals are so desperately short of nurses, I’ve been thinking how wrong it is that I should be here doing nothing.

  ‘But Connie I thought you were happy here with us!

  Guiltily Connie bit her lip. ‘I am Ellie. You’ve done so much for me; helped me so much. But I feel I should be doing something, Ellie. I miss the Infirmary, and my ward, my friends. I miss being useful.

  Ellie sat down, as she heard the emotion in Connie’s voice. ‘You re serious about this, aren’t you?

  Eagerly Connie nodded her head. ‘I’ve spoken with Iris, and she’s agreed to have a word with Matron for me the next time she visits the Infirmary. She feels sure that Matron would allow me to return to work.

  ‘You mean you’d go back to Liverpool? Now Ellie really did look shocked. ‘I thought you were talking about finding work here in Preston! Oh, Connie, you can’t do that! What about baby Lyddy? You can’t return to nursing and be a mother!

  Connie had to turn away from her.

  ‘No, I know, she agreed quietly.

  She had already known, of course, how impossible it would be for her sister, to whom her family was of paramount importance, to understand just how she felt; just how miserable and frustrated it made her to read almost daily in the papers, of hospitals being unable to cope with the sheer number of injured soldiers returning from the Front, in part at least, because of the lack of trained nurses.

  She ought to be doing her bit for the war effort; she needed to be doing her bit, Connie recognised, even if Ellie could not understand that.

  ‘Lyddy is as close to you as she is to me, Ellie, if not closer. Sometimes I wonder if she actually knows which of us is her mother. I had thought … she paused, and then went over to her sister, dropping down on her knees in front of her and taking hold of her hands.

  ‘I know you won’t understand this, Ellie, and I don’t expect you to, but when nurses are needed so desperately, I feel that it’s my duty to go. Lyddy will hardly notice that I am gone. Not when she has you to love her.

  ‘You will leave her here with me? Oh, Connie, you don’t know how happy that makes me. I shall love her as though she were my own. In fact, I already do!

  There were tears in Ellie’s eyes as they clasped one another’s hands.

  ‘You will see her often, Connie. On your days off, and whenever you choose. And I shall make sure that she doesn’t forget you. But are you sure this is what you want? To return to nursing?’ ‘Yes,’ Connie told her quietly.

  A month later, Connie received the news from Iris that Matron was happy to have her back, although as a married woman, Connie would have to live out rather than have a room in the nurses’ home.

  She has supplied me with a list of respectable lodging houses for you, Connie, as you are not the only married nurse returning to work.’

  It had been decided that Connie would spend Christmas in Winckley Square and then return to Liverpool after the New Year.

  Baby Lyddy was cutting her teeth, and making good use of the teething ring John had brought for her. He had returned home unexpectedly on leave, just in time to celebrate Christmas with them.

  Connie doubted that there could be any family throughout the country for whom the Christmas festivities were not overshadowed, in one way or another, by the War. In every home there would be empty places and missing loved ones, and on Christmas morning the Vicar gave an extra sermon and read prayers for those far from home.

  Even the boys were preoccupied by the War, and Connie saw the looks Gideon and Ellie exchanged when Philip asked if the War would be over before he was old enough to enlist.

  ‘I am going into the Royal Flying Corp like John,’ the elder of Ellie’s sons announced.

  ‘Pooh, that is nothing. I intend to join the Navy and command a battleship,’ the younger one insisted.

  ‘I pray that this War will be over soon,’ Ellie told Connie as they went up to the nursery together, accompanied by Henrietta, to tuck Lydia in her crib.

  She is such a pretty baby, Aunt Connie,’ Henrietta piped up admiringly as she stroked Lydia’s soft curls.

  And sweet-tempered, too,’ Ellie said tenderly.

  Well, in that at least, she is more like you than me,’ Connie laughed.

  But later, having gone into the nursery to check on Lydia before she went to bed, Connie studied the minute features slowly and intently – something she had grown into the habit of doing – and then exhaled on a jerky sigh of relief, having reassured herself once again that there was nothing of her father in her.

  Her boxes were packed, and she had said her formal goodbyes to everyone – even Aunt Gibson – all she had to do now was go to bed and wait for the morning and her journey to Liverpool.

  It had been a long and busy day and she should have been tired. Instead … Connie glanced toward the door. Opening it, she hurried quickly up the stairs to the nursery.

  She knew she should not be doing this. She had already said her goodbyes to Lydia, but somehow she couldn’t stop herself from opening the door and tiptoeing toward her baby daughter’s crib.

  There was more than enough light from the full moon shining outside the window to illuminate the room, and she could see Lydia’s face quite clearly. Instead of being asleep, as Connie had expected, the baby was wide awake, the dark blue eyes looking solemnly into her own as she bent over her.

  Ellie often declared that Lyddy wasn’t just the prettiest baby she had ever seen, she was also the happiest, and it was true that she was a child who smiled much more than she cried.

  She was smiling now as she kicked and gurgled, plainly pleased to have her mother’s company. The new teeth she had been cutting were revealed by her gummy smile, the small hand closing determinedly on Connie’s finger as she reached out to stroke her soft skin.

  ‘I’m sorry for not loving you right from the very start, Connie whispered softly to her. ‘But I do love you now, little Lyddy. Connie could feel the tears she was fighting not to cry, thickening her voice. ‘I love you so very much!

  Lyddy seemed to be reaching out her arms to her. Unable to stop herself, Connie leaned into her crib and lifted her out. The baby scent of her turned Connie’s heart over inside her chest with emotion. And she kissed one small, open, little starfish hand. How could she ever not have wanted this perfect little creation? Love for her filled her every single pore.

  Lost in absorbing each minute detail of her, Connie didn’t hear the door open. Connie.’

  Clutching Lydia to her she whirled round, Ellie.’ You know how much I love her, don’t you, Connie!’

  Numbly Connie nodded, but she was holding Lydia even tighter.

  And that she’ll have everything she needs.’

  Aga
in Connie nodded, but the pain inside her was growing.

  As Ellie walked toward her, Connie clutched Lydia as tightly as she could, as though half-afraid that Ellie might wrench her from her arms.

  ‘I can’t leave her,’ she told Ellie fiercely. ‘I can’t! I know you love her, Ellie, but I love her, too, and I can’t bear the thought of being without her! I’m going to take her with me!’

  She couldn’t bring herself to look at her sister, knowing what her reaction would be. Connie!’

  There was a note in Ellie’s voice she had never heard before, a sad sweetness that made her ache inside.

  I knew you wouldn’t go without her. I’ve told Jenny to pack her things. But if things don’t work out … If you should change your mind, I want you to know that you will both be welcome back here, Connie.

  ‘You knew I’d take her with me?

  Connie’s voice wobbled as she ignored the last part of her sister’s quiet statement.

  ‘How could you? I didn’t even know myself until just now. I swear to you I hadn’t intended …

  ‘I’ve seen the way you look at her. Watched you with her … I’ve seen the mother love in your eyes, Connie, and known that it was in your heart.

  ‘I know you love her, Ellie.

  ‘Yes I do. And I love you, too. Do you really think I could be happy with your child, if you weren’t happy? I’m not going to pretend that I wish, more than anything, that you weren’t leaving, but we all have to be true to our own self, Connie.

  ‘Ellie!

  Tearfully they hugged one another, Lydia snuggled safely between them.

  ‘This is from Gideon, Ellie told her, once she had released her.

  As Connie took the envelope Ellie was handing her, she frowned slightly. ‘What is it?’

  ‘A draft on his bank for a bank account in your name. It was Gideon’s idea, Connie, and not mine. He wants to be sure that you have your own money should you need it.

  ‘He, both of you, have already been generous enough. I shan’t touch it. I shall keep it safe for Lydia instead. For when she grows up!

  Ellie burst out laughing. I hope we may see each other before then Connie!’