Use me. Use me just like all the rest of them.
Nothing matters.
Just numb me. I looked into the clear liquid in my glass searching for that feeling I craved. It was there, I knew it was in there. I lifted the glass of vodka to my lips and tossed it back, letting the liquid burn my throat. Damn, I can still feel it. Not good enough. I needed to be numb.
I watched my new drinking partner get up from his bar stool. He walked toward me and started up a conversation. The next thing I knew, we were sitting at a table because he said he wanted to buy me dinner.
More vodka. The room became more of a blur. My body became more numb. Perfect.
“You ready to leave?” I heard the guy ask through my fogginess. I don’t even remember his name and I wondered if I’d even asked. I nodded knowing I couldn’t care less. His would just be another cock shoved in me. Using me.
We started to leave the restaurant and I had no idea if I even ate anything. I glanced back at the table and laughed when I saw the clean place settings. Untouched. He didn’t even bother buying me dinner. Not that I’d remember ordering anything. Hell, maybe we had ordered and we’re leaving before the food was served.
“Something funny?” he asked as he put his hand on the small of my back, claiming me.
I shook my head. “No. Just keeps getting faster and faster,” I noted.
“What’s faster?” He asked as he opened the door. Sunlight hit my face and I shielded my eyes from the blinding light emanating from the sunset.
“Nothing. How far do you live?” I asked. His face lit up with a smile.
I WOKE the next morning feeling like I always do. Used. But that was what I wanted, wasn’t it? That’s all I was good for.
My next thought came all too quickly—I was no longer numb. I felt the pain in my body and the soreness between my legs. I looked over to the guy next to me who was still asleep. Huh. He seemed like a normal guy. I sat up, aching all over. My feet even seemed sore and I knew the reason why when I looked down at them. I still had my heels on. The four-inch stilettos must have been put to good use last night since the straps were too tight and askew on my ankle.
After adjusting my heels, I stumbled around the bed in an attempt to find the bathroom. A shiny silver wrapper caught my eye on the floor. Good, he actually wore a condom. I used the toilet and then walked back out. The man was still asleep so I went ahead and dressed. There was no need to feel shame; I was used to this feeling. I’d become immune to it.
My heels sunk into the rich cream carpet as I shuffled out to his living room. Looking around the luxurious apartment I spied my purse laying on the ground haphazardly. After stooping down to grab it, my eyes caught the small wooden cabinet in the corner with an array of bottles lined up.
Walking over, I decided I might as well get numb again. I poured myself a drink and gulped it down. Opening my purse, I stuffed the bottle in. Another token from another “date.” Not that I didn’t have the money to buy more thanks to dear ol’ Gregory, but the liquor stores weren’t open this early in the morning.
In the elevator, I took out the bottle and chugged a couple more swigs, the burn fading each time I swallowed. It would really hit hard by the time I got home. Which was good because then I wouldn’t have to answer Clark’s questions. He’s getting to be nosy. The guy’s notorious for using women. I would think he’d just leave me alone by now. When I remembered how he rejected me last week, I gulped down more of the clear liquid from the bottle.
My phone rang out and I ignored it, like always. For the last week, Clark feels the need to call me each morning. I took another swig knowing he’d start in with the same old questions as soon as I walked in. I probably should have stayed at my date’s house until it was time for Clark to go to work.
And then there was Vanessa also calling me nonstop. Clark must have told her to call me too. For the first time in our relationship, I didn’t want to face my friend. Between all the lies and self-loathing, I couldn’t tell her all the accompanying thoughts of suicide I’ve had. I’m sure she wouldn’t understand anyway.
Walking down the street, I could feel the sting of each passerby’s eyes burning into me. I faintly remembered that from the other night. It was then that I felt the cool air hitting my body. When I checked my clothes, I noted a rip in my blouse conveniently right where my breasts were fully on display through my lace bra. I began to bring the material together, but what does it matter now? I don’t know these people so why should I care?
I reached my apartment building, pulled the door open and headed for the elevator. The lobby was a flurry of people, mostly going. Leaving for their jobs, I assume. I pulled the bottle out of my purse and took another swig as I heard my phone ring again. He’s relentless today, I thought as I vaguely remembered my phone ringing out last night too.
When I reached my door, I shook my purse hoping to hear the clanging of my keys. The door flew open and I lifted my head to see Clark’s eyes penetrating into mine. I laughed. It was a game now. I realized I didn’t even really have to try digging through my purse because Clark would always know when to open the door.
“I’ve been calling you, Aub. Why won’t you answer your phone?” The door wasn’t even all the way open and he was already starting in on me.
I continued laughing as I stumbled in, pushing past him. “Because you’re just going to ask the same…”
“No! This time, I really needed to get hold of…”
“What? Like you need ask me how much I had to drink?” My interruption stopped him from saying anything else, but the scowl on his face made me laugh. “Ohh, I’m in trouble now,” I teased as I started to my room. Before I knew it, I was shoved against the wall, knocking the breath from my lungs. I was just about to shove him back when he yelled at me.
“Aub. It’s Vanessa.” I stared at the muscles of his jaw, flinching in anger. The way he blinked his eyes and paused for that moment sobered me just a bit. But not enough for what he would tell me. “She had a miscarriage.” Clark’s voice softened just a little on those words and I repeated them over and over again in my head trying to understand their meaning. His expression softened as I continued my attempt to process what he just said.
My heart felt like it stopped. My thoughts sobered immediately. “The baby?” I swallowed as I tried to process his words. The alcohol was still coursing through my veins and with this horrendous news I fought the fogginess that tried to surround me. “When?” My question rang out as if someone else had asked it.
“Matt took her to the hospital last night.” He released his grip on my arms as I stared at him. I felt it then. The sweep of coldness accompanied by the sweat from my pores. My stomach rolled as I ran to the bathroom. His voice echoed, mocking me, “You’re drunk again! Your best friend needs you right now and you won’t be able to talk to her. That’s great! Just fucking great.” He continued to yell at me while I hugged the toilet as clear liquid poured into the bowl.
Vanessa lost the baby. I kept repeating in my head as I tried to make sense of it. My stomach muscles clenched again while my stomach churned thinking about the pain Vanessa must be in. And I was out getting drunk and laid.
Clark sat next to me as I slumped against the wall, not really wanting to believe what he just told me.
“How?” I asked hoping he’d just answer my questions.
“She started bleeding last night and they went to the hospital. They did that ultrasound thing, but couldn’t find a heartbeat. She and Matt decided to have one of those D&Cs instead of waiting for it to happen naturally.”
My stomach dropped again. Tears stung my eyes for the loss Vanessa must be feeling. “Are they still at the hospital?”
“No, they got back a little while ago. I’ve been waiting for you all night.”
“They lost the baby,” I repeated as I stared into space. My head was still swimming, half numb, half feeling the pain in my heart. The need to be completely numb again flooded me. Unsure of what else to d
o, I stood quickly. The action left me lightheaded and I swayed, losing my balance. I shot my hand out to touch the wall for stability and instead, my hand grasped Clark’s chest. His strong arms surrounded me, lifting me up and carried me to my bed. Sitting me down on the edge, I glanced at his expression. Worry marred his features, which only heightened the same feeling in me.
“Maybe you should try to sober up before you head over there.” His voice was soft, while the words seemed to cut at me.
He stood up and began pacing. I could feel his frustration emanating from his body. He was tense, as evidenced by the hand that ran through his hair several times as he paced. He clenched his fists tight and then released them again. With every stride he made across my room, I became more annoyed with the fit he was throwing in front of me. I wanted him to leave so I could take a drink and feel better.
“Aren’t you going to work?” It didn’t come out sincere like I was going for, instead it sounded like I felt—irritated.
Wrong thing to say, I noted to myself as I watched his face contort in anger.
“What the hell is wrong with you, Aub? Are you even here with any of us? Or do you just want to check out?” He glared at me with fury in his eyes and I had to look away. I had no intention of letting him get close enough to me to care that much. He sat on the bed and I could feel his eyes pierce into me. “Is that what you’re trying to do?” I swallowed. I wasn’t about to have this conversation with him. Now or ever.
I flopped back onto the bed, immediately feeling woozy. I rolled onto my side and stared out the window.
Vanessa’s not pregnant anymore. We were all so excited to have a baby in our little group. And I knew how much they wanted to start their family together. Matt had been so proud when he’d told our group that he’s going to be a dad with Vanessa looking at him just as excited about becoming a mom.
This is all so fucked up. I needed to be there for my best friend. I bolted upright, but quickly knew that was a mistake. The room started to spin and my stomach felt the same way it had just moments ago. A glass of water appeared in front of my face. I looked up to see Clark’s stern expression, accompanied by the disdain he had for me. My hand grasped the glass from his and I began to sip the cool water slowly, hoping to sober up fast. I needed to see Vanessa and hopefully be there for her. I couldn’t fathom how heartbroken she must be.
I ignored Clark. His huffing and pacing as I sat there annoyed me. I stood up, successfully this time and started to the bathroom.
“Where are you going?”
I rolled my eyes as I pointed to the bathroom. “I need to brush my teeth so I can go talk to Vanessa.” He looked at me warily as he followed me into my vanity area. I brushed my teeth with good ol’ Clark watching me. I checked my face in the mirror. My mascara was smudged and my lipstick smeared my lips. I took out a washcloth and began to remove my makeup. Clark stood against the wall, his arms crossed over his chest as if he were my bodyguard or something. I was pretty sure he’d watch me change clothes too.
I was right.
I glared at him as I took out my yoga pants and a top, silently praying he’d leave.
“I’ll turn my head, but there’s no way I’m leaving this room so you can find something other than that water to drink.” I rolled my eyes, but didn’t say anything. After all, he was right about that.
Finally dressed, I felt like I could try to console my best friend.
“HEY.” I walked into their bedroom slowly, unsure of how to greet her. I didn’t have a plan of what to say. I decided just being there might be all she would need.
“Hey,” she replied with a meek smile. The pain in my chest constricted and my heart ached when I saw her red swollen eyes. She rolled to her side and patted the space next to her. I climbed onto the bed crawling over to that spot, lying down to face her.
“How are you…”
Tears poured as she tried to speak. “Please don’t. Don’t be like the rest of them.” I pulled her close to me as she let it all out. Sobbing uncontrollably into my shoulder, I held her tight. “It hurts. It hurts so fucking bad,” she broke down. “Why? Why did this happen to my baby?”
My stomach tightened. I didn’t have an answer for her. I had no idea why she lost her baby. Horrible things seemed to be happening all around me and I had no answers for any of it.
The love that Vanessa and Matt would have lavished on that one baby would have been enough for so many children.
“I wanted my baby so badly. I wanted to give Matt a child,” she told me between cries. “He was so excited. He loves kids. Do you know that?” I nodded again and scooched my body to sit up more, still holding her to my chest so she could continue to cry.
“Vanessa, that’s not why he’s marrying you. You know that right?” I paused and heard her inhale a deep breath. Her body quivered as she continued to sob. “You’re not a baby factory for him or anything. He loves you. It’ll happen one day.”
She nodded into my shoulder as she continued to cry. “It hurts. It feels like my life was ripped from me.”
I held her tight and whispered, “I’m here. I’m here for you now.”
She sniffled and then pulled back to look at me. The anguish on her face pained me. “Where were you? And I don’t mean just at the hospital. I mean…where have you been all this time? I missed you.”
I nodded, knowing she was right, but there was no way I could explain anything to her. “I’ve missed you too.” I didn’t want to talk about it nor did I answer her question. I just held her tight and let her cry.
AFTER VANESSA FELL ASLEEP, I wanted to let her rest. Matt came in shortly after and he curled up next to her, so I knew she wouldn’t wake alone.
As I took a shower, I tried to gather my thoughts about Vanessa losing her baby. Why would it happen? She’s healthy and we all thought the baby was healthy. None of it made any sense. I hated it all. I hated everything about life.
Clark, thankfully, left for work. I decided to get some fresh air. Breathe some new life back into my lungs. Maybe a walk would help answer all the questions and anger that were swirling around in my brain.
I walked for a long time. So long that I had no idea how much time had passed, nor did I care to check my phone. I had silenced my phone earlier not wanting to hear any calls from Clark. Now I really didn’t want to check the time, afraid to see how many times he’d called me.
I had no intention of going to a bar. I was going to be there for Vanessa. I knew she needed me. But as I walked down the sidewalk, the glint of the brass handle caught my eye. I stopped in front of the glass window and stared through it for a long time. The escape I wanted was there. If I went in there, I wouldn’t have to think about all my questions. The questions of why it happened. Why to my best friend? Why to such a good person? I didn’t want to have to deal with the pain my friend was going through. I managed to dodge all her questions about where I’ve been and why I’ve been so drunk and out of it lately. But everything hurt. All this life shit was too much to take.
My mouth started to water as I watched people take a drink from their glasses. It was too overwhelming and I decided just one drink would help me not have to deal with anything right now. I would deal with it all later. Right now, just one drink would be nice to have.
The shiny brass handle on the door welcomed me to the bar as I tugged the door open. Loud shouts slammed my hearing from people shouting obscenities at the TV. The next thing I noticed was the difference in the crowd. They were definitely not the uptown career type at this bar, like at Allure, which was fine with me. I located a bar stool on the other side of the long wooden bar; a seat that I could people watch and be out of the way. There seemed to be more guys here tonight and I assumed it was probably because of the game.
I caught the bartender’s eye and he motioned he’d get to me soon. Goosebumps traveled up my arm as I felt hot breath against my ear causing me to shudder. I couldn’t tell if it was in a good way.
“How’d I miss yo
u walkin’ in the door, gorgeous?” Turning my head, I came face to face with a guy wearing way too much cologne and obviously drank his fair share of beer. Beady eyes stared at my cleavage as he licked his thin lips. The shudder I felt earlier was definitely not in a good way.
“Probably because I don’t want any company tonight.” I wasn’t actually sure about that but I knew I didn’t want his company. I turned to face the busy bar before me and watched as the bartender walked toward me, eying the new guy next to me. Cheers erupted and the creepy guy next to me slammed into my body, spilling his drink all over the front of my shirt. Cold beer ran between my boobs and I leaned forward to keep my wet shirt away from my chest.
“Shit!” I grabbed some bar napkins and started wiping up the beer as the creepy weirdo attempted to help me. He wasn’t helping—he was groping. Angry with him, I checked him with my elbow and shoved him hard. “Knock it off asshole!”
He sneered at me as he grabbed his beer and stumbled off.
“You all right?” The bartender asked as he handed me a couple more napkins and threw the used ones in the trash. I looked up, noticing his warm emerald eyes. They reminded me of Gregory. Sucking in a breath at the thought of him, I nodded, unable to speak at first. The thought of Gregory made my heart ache.
“Jack, neat. Please,” I told him. He nodded with a small smile that made my heart race, eliciting the same excitement I’m used to. The chase. I enjoyed that feeling way better than the ache I felt so constantly now.
I watched his muscular arms pick up the bottle and pour the liquid into a glass. He must have felt me staring because he glanced my way and winked. Cute and sexy mixed together as I watched him bring my drink to me…with a smile. Ah, someone to make me forget all about the pain going on all around me.
Setting the glass before me, he leaned in. “Are you meeting up with anyone tonight?”
Alluring Promises Box Set (Books 1-3) Page 101