Molon Labe!

by Boston T. Party

  As Bruner clicks the Yes icon, Connor says over his shoulder, "And just who in the hell is Jigs Casey?"

  At the same time the JCS Chairman's wireless PDA chirps, so he steps a few feet away to answer it.

  The mpeg stream begins. It is a 1980s clip from comedian Steven Wright, a Boston comic known for his offbeat material and monotone delivery. He's on a large stage with a maroon curtain behind him. On a stool is a glass of water which he sips while previous laughter dies out. He gingerly places the glass back on the stool and stares out at the audience. After a deliciously pregnant pause, Wright drones into his next bit:

  I got a phone call the other day. "This is Mr. Haynes, your student loan director. We lent you $17,000 years ago and haven't received a penny of it back. So, we were kinda wondering what you did with the money."

  "Mr. Haynes, I won't lie to you. I gave the money to my friend Jigs Casey . . . And he built a nuclear device . . . And I'd really appreciate it if you never call me again."

  As Connor and his staff gape at each other in astonished confusion, the JCS Chairman, now on a secure NSA phone, says, "Mr. President, you need to hear this, right now. I'm on the line with Lockheed Martin's Pentagon liaison. LM is upgrading Mk650 Evader MaRVs8 of the Peacekeeper IIs we fielded in 2010 after the Chinese invasion of Taiwan. They discovered a problem with one of the missiles. Three of its re-entry vehicles are empty."

  "Empty?!" shouts Connor.

  "Yes, sir — without their nuclear warheads."

  "What?!"

  "Three W87 fission warheads," the CJCS intones. "Two-stage implosion. 300 kilotons each. That's fifteen times Hiroshima. Assuming a 1000' foot airburst, blast radius is 8 miles. Ground burst, the blast radius is only 1.5 miles but still sufficient to remove central Washington from the map."

  The National Security Advisor exclaims, "Three nuclear warheads missing? How?"

  "The LM liaison says they were removed while in their silos, not during or after transport," the CJCS replies. "It would have absolutely required the active collusion of base personnel. This was an inside job."

  "What do these re-entry vehicles look like?" demands Connor. "How large a vehicle was needed to transport them?"

  The CJCS says, "The RVs are matte black cones about — inches in base diameter, six feet in height, weighing 700 pounds. The outer layer is a carbon fiber phenolic resin heatshield. These are intact. What's missing are their aluminum substructures which are sheathed in a graphite-epoxy composite to contain the warheads. They weigh about 380 pounds apiece."

  "So, the warheads could have been removed from their revs and then transported in a single trip by any automobile," observes Bruner.

  The CJCS nods. "Affirmative."

  Connor, never famous for his grasp of 21st century military detail, asks his National Security Advisor, "Where are the Peacekeeper IIs based?"

  Resignedly, Bruner says, "In converted Minuteman silos in the north-west wing of fee. Warren Air Force Base. Cheyenne."

  After several seconds of stark silence, Chief of Staff Sowers deftly articulates the predominant mood.

  "Oh, fuck."

  President Connor collapses into his high-speed leather chair. Shaking his head he sighs, "Looks like there are two nuclear powers in America."

  The NSA asks the CJCS, "General, what kind of time line are we looking at here? How long ago could these warheads have been stolen?"

  After a brief flurry of conversation with the Lockheed Martin liaison, the CJCS replies, "He says that it had to have been since their last semiannual inspection, which was four months ago."

  Connor shakes his head. "Four months! Carried by donkeys they could be anywhere by now, even in some Up Street basement two miles from here!"

  The Oval Office was never more quiet as each man visualized himself within the blast radius.

  Something occurs to Connor. "Four months ago! That was just after Justice sent the US Marshals to arrest Preston. And then that smug bastard tells me to 'come and take them.' No wonder he was so damn sure of himself! He already had his nukes by then!"

  "Mr. President, we don't know that for certain right now," says Bruner. Doris, the presidential secretary, buzzes the intercom. "Sir, General Adison on video for this morning's conference."

  President Connor collects himself briefly and then says, "General, I'm very sorry to say that something has come up which compromises Operation Restore Liberty. You are to abort."

  The General's jaw clenches in frustration. "Abort? Sir?"

  "You heard me, General Adison. Abort."

  "But Mr. President, the men are ready. We can't 'cry wolf' with them twice in two days. Sir, what's happened?"

  News of the missing nukes hasn't yet spread, so Connor keeps his poker face intact. "General, we'll get into it later, but the timing to proceed has soured. Please convey my thanks to your people for their superb preparation, but I have no choice but to abort at this time."

  After the video link is cut, Connor turns to his NSA and says, "Contact the NEST Team at McCarren airport in Las Vegas. Put them in touch with the liaison at Lockheed Martin. And get me Director Klein. Find my nukes!"

  The next day, National Security Advisor Bruner receives a second CD, this one postmarked from Alexandria, Virginia. It contains just two files, a readmitted and a self-centered file. The text file reads:

  "The Union is a Union of States founded upon Compact. How is it to be supposed that when different parties enter into a compact for certain purposes either can disregard one provision of it and expect others to observe the rest?... A bargain broken on one side is broken on all sides." (Daniel Webster, Capon Springs, 1851)

  Dear Mr. Bruner,

  An individual unconnected with and unknowledgeable of the encrypted contents of the second file will soon contact you with the passphrase (which we will anonymously communicate to him).

  You will know this person by an email with the subject line:

  Cessante causa, cessat effectus.

  After you have decrypted the enclosed file, President Connor may be inclined to grant the individual's wishes. He should do so, for the nation's sake.

  Bruner clears the mental cobwebs of his university Latin.

  Cessante causa, cessat effectus.

  When the cause ceases, the effect ceases.

  Bruner quickly emails his contact at the National Security Agency.

  The NSA at Ft. Meade, Maryland would have to crack this file, and fast.

  one week later

  Wyoming is still at battle stations. Guard forces have sealed off the Big Horn Basin with the cooperation of Montana and Idaho ANGs. Tourist traffic is prevented from entering the state. Yellowstone National Park, normally very busy during the summer, is empty of visitors.

  The official story is a terrorist threat of anthrax, though few people buy it. None in the media do, either, after a source within the Pentagon leaks the rumor that right-wing terrorists have hidden a stolen nuke in the Tetons.

  The 7th Infantry Division and 3rd Armored Cav Regiment are kept on full alert for occupation after the nukes are found, however, extensive over-flights of Wyoming with highly sensitive radiation detection equipment fail to locate the warheads.

  NEST Teams scour the Beltway area, without success. That any of the warheads can be flown, driven, or Metroed into D.C. did not reassure Connor's administration. Several cabinet heads resign the same week for "health" or "family" reasons and quietly move away. President Connor spends most of his time at Camp David, or flying on Air Force One.

  Not a single member of the Preston administration cooperate with the FBI. All refuse by email under the 5th Amendment to answer any questions.

  two weeks later

  The FBI and USAF Military Police polygraph test hundreds of Warren AFB personnel without finding a single culprit.

  Alive, anyway.

  Six deceased suspects from the Peacekeeper II maintenance section, however, were identified. Apparently, they had all been on an elk hunting trip near Pinedale,
Wyoming when their Ford Excursion slid on an icy hairpin curve and fell off a 240' cliff. The SUV exploded on impact and was thoroughly consumed by fire. There were no survivors.

  three weeks later

  The FBI exhumed the six bodies and flew them in a guarded refrigerated containers to their Crime Lab. DNA comparisons with military records did not match. Furthermore, all six bodies had tattoos on the soles of their right feet — indicative of medical school cadavers who had, while alive, sold their bodies to science for the going rate of $1,000.

  All six Air Force personnel were single. They had simply disappeared. Phone and email records of their friends or family showed no contact, and all were uniformly shocked and outraged to be questioned by the FBI.

  This did not burnish the Bureau's tarnished reputation.

  four weeks later

  All Peacekeeper IIs and Minutemen ICBMs are removed from Warren AFB and transferred to Minot and Grand Forks AFBs in North Dakota. Malmstrom AFB in semi-rogue Montana will lose its ICBMs in 2021.

  The expected email is from the Wyoming Attorney General. It reads:

  Dear Mr. Bruner,

  I have recently been anonymously instructed by post that I am to email you the below series of characters in order to assist you in negotiations between the Federal Government and Wyoming.

  I do not understand how paragraphs of typographical gibberish will accomplish that, though I nevertheless have complied. This done, I will wait to hear from you.

  We have a crisis to resolve, one of several generations in the making. I hope that we settle our drama without bloodshed, in order to prevent what would surely be a costly and needless tragedy: America's Civil War 2.

  Bruner cuts and pastes the several thousand metacharacter block into the CD's encrypted passphrase window. After a few seconds, it is accepted and text appears on the screen. The first three lines are serial numbers, and Bruner already knows that they will match those of the missing Mk650 Evader MaRV 300kT nuclear warheads. The rest reads:

  President Connor has until 1 November to peacefully, honorably, and irrevocably conclude negotiations with the Wyoming people, returning their liberties usurped by the Federal Government.

  We will diligently monitor Washington, D.C.'s abidance by this long overdue arrangement, and have no compunction of issuing you all a "reminder" whenever events deem necessary.

  The age of Tyranny in America will now begin to draw to a close, regardless of Government's lack of reasonableness or integrity.

  We speak softly, but carry three very big sticks.

  The Oval Office

  September 2020

  The anonymous, yet credible, threat sends shockwaves throughout the White House. President Connor convenes an emergency meeting in the Situation Room. Less than a dozen people are present.

  Connor begins. "Let's recap what we know or can reasonably infer. One, that three active 300kT nuclear devices are in the hands of persons sympathetic to Wyoming. Two, that such persons likely have the ability to successfully position and detonate these nukes. Three, that they have the will to do so if we refuse to deescalate pressure on Wyoming. Four, that over a month of effort to locate these persons and recover our warheads has been fruitless. Five, that recovery is unlikely by their November 1st deadline."

  "But that's still five weeks away! We're sure to find them by then!" exclaims Homeland Security Director Desmond.

  "Extrapolating from what trend of current success?" challenges National Security Advisor Bruner. "We have come up with nothing but the identity of the six airmen responsible for the theft, and they have literally disappeared. Even if we do find them and persuade them to talk, any information they give us will likely be unavailing. We all know how tightly their operation's been run."

  FBI Director Klein says, "I'm inclined to agree. We've not been able to backtrack the email packet route. The couriered CD had no prints, and was fraudulently sent on the DNC's account. Dead ends all around."

  "Whoever hired those Air Force people should have killed them after taking delivery," opines Bruner.

  "Maybe those six are very deeply trusted," offers Sowers.

  "But why leave any loose ends? Why not just off them?"

  "Because of their goddamned principles, that's why!" snaps Desmond. "'No initiation of force' and all that. Their 'zero aggression' scruples prevent human loose ends to be snipped. They even reimbursed that medical school for the cadavers they stole! Mailed them $6,000 in cash saying that no receipt was necessary. Of all the fucking nerve!"

  Sowers says, "Why can't we simply go to the American people and inform them of Preston's nuclear blackmail? The country would seal off Wyoming and starve it into surrender."

  The CIA Director retorts, "Because we have absolutely no proof that Governor Preston or his staff are involved, that's why! The FBI, NSA, and the Agency have tried to link the CD and email to Wyoming, but can't. This anonymous intermediary keeps Preston off the hook. He can claim that the warhead thefts were an inside military affair by disgruntled airmen sympathetic to Wyoming's situation, and how could we prove otherwise?"

  "I agree," says the CJCS. "Preston's got the best of both worlds: nuclear blackmail and bulletproof deniability. If we move on him, before or after any detonation, we'd have to prove our case to the American people. Preston could counter that the Government set off the nuclear blasts to blame on Wyoming. Polls show that nearly four of five citizens actually believe that Clinton's administration was involved in the Oklahoma City bombing."

  "Yeah, thanks to Krassny's dissemination of laptop data," sneers Klein.

  "Topic drift, gentlemen," says Sowers. "Let's get back to the nukes. They could take out Langley or Fort Meade, or both, before they ever wiped out D.C. Hell, if the CIA and NSA got fried, much of the public would cheer."

  After hearing from all in the room, President Connor speaks his mind.

  "Look, here's the big picture. Persons unknown have the nukes and are capable of using them. We haven't found them yet, and probably won't in time. So, the only real question is this: is keeping Wyoming more important than losing the CIA and the NSA and all of D.C. by November 1st?"

  Heads nod over the obvious choice. Connor could be quite persuasive when his emotions had cooled.

  "Time can be on our side. We should negotiate in apparent good faith until November. If we don't find the nukes by then, we accede to Wyoming's wishes. They can't keep them hidden forever, and they're the only trump cards Preston has. Once we find the nukes, and that may take months or even years, we can then deal with Wyoming in any way we see fit. Warren AFB's missiles have been removed, so Wyoming can't pull the same trick twice. Time's only against us until November. After then, it's against Wyoming. Let's cut these wackos loose. They've been nothing but trouble for the past five years. We'll deal with them when they're in a position of weakness, not strength. The wheel will turn, gentlemen. It always does."

  The Oval Office

  December 2020

  Think of it this way, Mr. President. Wyoming is only asking for what the 13 original states enjoyed two hundred years ago was the Wyoming Secretary of State's opening comment to Melvin Connor and his cabinet heads.

  After a series of extremely discreet and often rancorous talks with the Preston administration, President Connor bitterly allowed Wyoming to pursue a Taiwanesque course of muted de facto secession. The terms are not to be publicized, but it's easy enough to "connect the dots."

  Its Army and Air National Guards will be transferred to full state control. Warren AFB and Camp Guernsey are to be phased out within two years, as well as the Naval Petroleum Reserve Number 3 at Teapot Dome. All BLM and National Forest land will be transferred to Wyoming. Yellowstone and Devil's Tower will remain National Parks, though to be removed from the UN's World Antiquities Heritage jurisdiction.

  All federal warrants for Wyoming persons, including Governor Preston and his staff, are vacated. All federal law enforcement field offices in Wyoming will be closed, leaving only an FBI l
iaison presence in Cheyenne. Wyoming agrees to assist the Government only in interstate criminal matters of violence, theft, or fraud.

  Travel in and out of Wyoming will not be hindered. International flights will be allowed directly to the new large airport being constructed just northeast of Casper, though passengers must still go through US Customs and Immigration. (It was that, or force the Government to place checkpoints outside all Wyoming border crossings.)

  Wyoming will remain in the Union, although under a strict "hands off" policy. Her internal affairs, including oil and gas drilling, mining, manufacturing, education, individual rights, banking, and system of government, will not be interfered with. Hemp crops, firearms, ammunition, R-12 Freon, and the like are not to be sold out of state, though enforcement of this provision seemed nearly impossible given the open borders. The feds will likely have to heavily patrol the six contiguous states for Wyoming contraband.

  Not that Connor believes Wyoming's independent course could continue for more than a year, since the nukes would surely be found by then. But, as his single term under the 22nd Amendment will end on 20 January 2021, that is his successor's problem who was stupefied when informed of the Wyoming accords. His first emotional inclination was to publicly disavow them in January and occupy Wyoming, but the threat of three 300kT nuclear warheads current address unknown made him "see the light."

  Better that than to "feel the heat" of 1,000,000° Centigrade.

  Pretty soon I'll no longer be the "First Prisoner," Connor muses.

  Montana and Idaho are beginning to clamor for the same deal that Wyoming got, causing Connor to wonder if all three states each got a nuke. What a mess! Not even a Republican president deserves this!

  Governor Preston did not negotiate directly with Connor's staff, but sent a note after the stormy talks finally concluded with a signed agreement. It contained only a quote. The words were nearly 219 years old, spoken by Thomas Jefferson during his first inaugural address to calm Federalist New England horrified by Jefferson's election which agitated to secede from the Union. Connor inexplicably finds himself rereading the quote almost daily.