Lord Peter Views the Body: A Collection of Mysteries

by Dorothy L. Sayers

  ‘Do you mean you believe it?’ shrieked Melville. ‘For God’s sake, Wimsey, is this a joke or what? Biggs — you’ve got a head on your shoulders — are you going to believe this half-drunk fool and this doddering old idiot who ought to be in his grave?’

  ‘That language won’t do you any good, Melville,’ said Sir Impey. ‘I’m afraid we all saw it clearly enough.’

  ‘I’ve been suspectin’ this some time, y’ know,’ said Wimsey. ‘That’s why I asked you two to stay tonight. We don’t want to make a public row, but —’

  ‘Gentlemen,’ said Melville more soberly, ‘I swear to you that I am absolutely innocent of this ghastly thing. Can’t you believe me?’

  ‘I can believe the evidence of my own eyes, sir,’ said the Colonel, with some heat.

  ‘For the good of the club,’ said Wimsey, ‘this couldn’t go on, but — also for the good of the club — I think we should all prefer the matter to be quietly arranged. In the face of what Sir Impey and the Colonel can witness, Melville, I’m afraid your protestations are not likely to be credited.’

  Melville looked from the soldier’s face to that of the great criminal lawyer.

  ‘I don’t know what your game is,’ he said sullenly to Wimsey, ‘but I can see you’ve laid a trap and pulled it off all right.’

  ‘I think, gentlemen,’ said Wimsey, ‘that, if I might have a word in private with Melville in his own room, I could get the thing settled satisfactorily, without undue fuss.’

  ‘He’ll have to resign his commission,’ growled the Colonel.

  ‘I’ll put it to him in that light,’ said Peter. ‘May we go to your room for a minute, Melville?’

  With a lowering brow, the young soldier led the way. Once alone with Wimsey, he turned furiously on him.

  ‘What do you want? What do you mean by making this monstrous charge. I’ll take action for libel!’

  ‘Do,’ said Wimsey coolly, ‘if you think anybody is likely to believe your story.’

  He lit a cigarette, and smiled lazily at the angry young man.

  ‘Well, what’s the meaning of it, anyway?’

  ‘The meaning,’ said Wimsey, ‘is simply that you, an officer and a member of this club, have been caught red-handed cheating at cards while playing for money, the witnesses being Sir Impey Biggs, Colonel Marchbanks, and myself. Now, I suggest to you, Captain Melville, that your best plan is to let me take charge of Mrs Ruyslaender’s diamond necklace and portrait, and then just to trickle away quiet-like from these halls of dazzlin’ light — without any questions asked.’

  Melville leapt to his feet.

  ‘My God!’ he cried. ‘I can see it now. It’s blackmail.’

  ‘You may certainly call it blackmail, and theft too,’ said Lord Peter, with a shrug. ‘But why use ugly names? I hold five aces, you see. Better chuck in your hand.’

  ‘Suppose I say I never heard of the diamonds?’

  ‘It’s a bit late now, isn’t it?’ said Wimsey affably. ‘But, in that case, I’m beastly sorry and all that, of course, but we shall have to make tonight’s business public.’

  ‘Damn you!’ muttered Melville, ‘you sneering devil.’

  He showed all his white teeth, half springing, with crouched shoulders. Wimsey waited quietly, his hands in his pockets.

  The rush did not come. With a furious gesture, Melville pulled out his keys and unlocked his dressing-case.

  ‘Take them,’ he growled, flinging a small parcel on the table; ‘you’ve got me. Take ’em and go to hell.’

  ‘Eventually — why not now?’ murmured his lordship. ‘Thanks frightfully. Man of peace myself, you know — hate unpleasantness and all that.’ He scrutinised his booty carefully, running the stones expertly between his fingers. Over the portrait he pursed up his lips. ‘Yes,’ he murmured, ‘that would have made a row.’ He replaced the wrapping and slipped the parcel into his pocket.

  ‘Well, good night, Melville — and thanks for a pleasant game.’

  ‘I say, Biggs,’ said Wimsey, when he had returned to the card-room. ‘You’ve had a lot of experience. What tactics d’you think one’s justified in usin’ with a blackmailer?’

  ‘Ah!’ said the KC. ‘There you’ve put your fingers on Society’s sore place, where the Law is helpless. Speaking as a man, I’d say nothing could be too bad for the brute. It’s a crime crueller and infinitely worse in its results than murder. As a lawyer, I can only say that I have consistently refused to defend a blackmailer or to prosecute any poor devil who does away with his tormentor.’

  ‘H’m,’ replied Wimsey. ‘What do you say, Colonel?’

  ‘A man like that’s a filthy pest,’ said the little warrior stoutly. ‘Shootin’s too good for him. I knew a man — close personal friend, in fact — hounded to death — blew his brains out — one of the best. Don’t like to talk about it.’

  ‘I want to show you something,’ said Wimsey.

  He picked up the pack which still lay scattered on the table, and shuffled it together.

  ‘Catch hold of these. Colonel, and lay ’em face downwards. That’s right. First of all you cut ’em at the twentieth card — you’ll see the seven of diamonds at the bottom. Correct? Now I’ll call ’em . Ten of hearts, ace of spades, three of clubs, five of clubs, king of diamonds, nine, jack, two of hearts. Right? I could pick ’em all out, you see, except the ace of hearts, and that’s here.’

  He leaned forward and produced it dexterously from Sir, Impey’s breast-pocket.

  ‘I learnt it from a man who shared my dug-out near Ypres,’ he said. ‘You needn’t mention tonight’s business, you two. There are crimes which the Law cannot reach.’

  The Undignified Melodrama of the Bone of Contention

  ‘I AM AFRAID YOU have brought shocking weather with you, Lord Peter,’ said Mrs Frobisher-Pym, with playful reproof. ‘If it goes on like this they will have a bad day for the funeral.’

  Lord Peter Wimsey glanced out of the morning-room window to the soaked green lawn and the shrubbery, where the rain streamed down remorselessly over the laurel leaves, stiff and shiny like mackintoshes.

  ‘Nasty exposed business, standing round at funerals,’ he agreed.

  ‘Yes, I always think it’s such a shame for the old people. In a tiny village like this it’s about the only pleasure they get during the winter. It makes something for them to talk about for weeks.’

  ‘Is it anybody’s funeral in particular?’

  ‘My dear Wimsey,’ said his host, ‘it is plain that you, coming from your little village of London, are quite out of the swim. There has never been a funeral like it in Little Doddering before. It’s an event.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Oh dear, yes. You may possibly remember old Burdock?’

  ‘Burdock? Let me see. Isn’t he a sort of local squire, or something?’

  ‘He was,’ corrected Mr Frobisher-Pym. ‘He’s dead — died in New York about three weeks ago, and they’re sending him over to be buried. The Burdocks have lived in the big house for hundreds of years, and they’re all buried in the churchyard, except, of course, the one who was killed in the War. Burdock’s secretary cabled the news of his death across, and said the body was following as soon as the embalmers had finished with it. The boat gets in to Southampton this morning, I believe. At any rate, the body will arrive here by the 6.30 from town.’

  ‘Are you going down to meet it, Tom?’

  ‘No, my dear. I don’t think that is called for. There will be a grand turn-out of the village, of course. Joliffe’s people are having the time of their lives; they borrowed an extra pair of horses from young Mortimer for the occasion. I only hope they don’t kick over the traces and upset the hearse. Mortimer’s horseflesh is generally on the spirited side.’

  ‘But, Tom, we must show some respect to the Burdocks.’

  ‘We’re attending the funeral tomorrow, and that’s quite enough. We must do that, I suppose, out of consideration for the family, though, as far as the old man him
self goes, respect is the very last thing anybody would think of paying him.’

  ‘Oh, Tom, he’s dead.’

  ‘And quite time too. No, Agatha, it’s no use pretending that old Burdock was anything but a spiteful, bad-tempered, dirty-living old blackguard that the world’s well rid of. The last scandal he stirred up made the place too hot to hold him. He had to leave the country and go to the States, and, even so, if he hadn’t the money to pay the people off, he’d probably have been put in gaol. That’s why I’m so annoyed with Hancock. I don’t mind his calling himself a priest, though clergyman was always good enough for dear old Weeks — who, after all, was a canon — and I don’t mind his vestments. He can wrap himself up in a Union Jack if he likes — it doesn’t worry me. But when it comes to having old Burdock put on trestles in the south aisle, with candles round him, and Hubbard from the “Red Cow” and Duggins’s boy praying over him half the night, I think it’s time to draw the line. The people don’t like it, you know — at least, the older generation don’t. It’s all right for the young ones, I dare say; they must have their amusement; but it gives offence to a lot of the farmers. After all, they knew Burdock a bit too well. Simpson — he’s people’s warden, you know — came up quite in distress to speak to me about it last night. You couldn’t have a sounder man than Simpson. I said I would speak to Hancock. I did speak to him this morning, as a matter of fact, but you might as well talk to the west door of the church.’

  ‘Mr Hancock is one of those young men who fancy they know everything,’ said his wife. ‘A sensible man would have listened to you, Tom. You’re a magistrate and have lived here all your life, and it stands to reason you know considerably more about the parish than he does.’

  ‘He took up the ridiculous position,’ said Mr Frobisher-Pym, ‘that the more sinful the old man had been the more he needed praying for. I said, “I think it would need more praying than you or I could do to help old Burdock out of the place he’s in now.” Ha, ha! So he said, “I agree with you, Mr Frobisher-Pym; that is why I am having eight watchers to pray all through the night for him.” I admit he had me there.’

  ‘Eight people?’ exclaimed Mrs Frobisher-Pym.

  ‘Not all at once, I understand; in relays, two at a time. “Well,” I said, ‘I think you ought to consider that you will be giving a handle to the Noncomformists.” Of course, he couldn’t deny that.’

  Wimsey helped himself to marmalade. Nonconformists, it seemed, were always searching for handles. Though what kind — whether door-handles, tea-pot handles, pump-handles, or starting-handles — was never explained, nor what the handles were to be used for when found. However, having been brought up in the odour of the Establishment, he was familiar with this odd dissenting peculiarity, and merely said:

  ‘Pity to be extreme in a small parish like this. Disturbs the ideas of the simple fathers of the hamlet and the village blacksmith, with his daughter singin’ in the choir and the Old Hundredth and all the rest of it. Don’t Burdock’s family have anything to say to it? There are some sons, aren’t there?’

  ‘Only the two, now. Aldine was the one that was killed, of course, and Martin is somewhere abroad. He went off after that row with his father, and I don’t think he has been back in England since.’

  ‘What was the row about?’

  ‘Oh, that was a disgraceful business. Martin got a girl into trouble — a film actress or a typist or somebody of that sort —and insisted on marrying her.’

  ‘Oh?’

  ‘Yes, so dreadful of him,’ said the lady, taking up the tale, ‘when he was practically engaged to the Delaprime girl — the one with glasses, you know. It made a terrible scandal. Some horribly vulgar people came down and pushed their way into the house and insisted on seeing old Mr Burdock. I will say for him he stood up to them — he wasn’t the sort of person you could intimidate. He told them the girl had only herself to blame, and they could sue Martin if they liked — he wouldn’t be blackmailed on his son’s account. The butler was listening at the door, naturally, and told the whole village about it. And then Martin Burdock came home and had a quarrel with his father you could have heard for miles. He said that the whole thing was a lie, and that he meant to marry the girl, anyway. I cannot understand how anybody could marry into a blackmailing family like that.’

  ‘My dear,’ said Mr Frobisher-Pym gently, ‘I don’t think you’re being quite fair to Martin, or his wife’s parents, either. From what Martin told me, they were quite decent people, only not his class, of course, and they came in a well-meaning way to find out what Martin’s “intentions” were. You would want to do the same yourself, if it were a daughter of ours. Old Burdock, naturally, thought they meant blackmail. He was the kind of man who thinks everything can be paid for; and he considered a son of his had a perfect right to seduce a young woman who worked for a living. I don’t say Martin was altogether in the right—’

  ‘Martin is a chip off the old block, I’m afraid,’ retorted the lady, ‘He married the girl, anyway, and why should he do that, unless he had to?’

  ‘Well, they’ve never had any children, you know,’ said Mr Frobisher-Pym.

  ‘That’s as may be. I’ve no doubt the girl was in league with her parents. And you know the Martin Burdocks have lived in Paris ever since.’

  ‘That’s true,’ admitted her husband: ‘It was an unfortunate affair altogether. They’ve had some difficulty in tracing Martin’s address, too, but no doubt he’ll be coming back shortly. He is engaged in producing some film play, they tell me, so possibly he can’t get away in time for the funeral.’

  ‘If he had any natural feeling, he would not let a film play stand in his way,’ said Mrs Frobisher-Pym.

  ‘My dear, there are such things as contracts, with very heavy monetary penalties for breaking them. And I don’t suppose Martin could afford to lose a big sum of money. It’s not likely that his father will have left him anything.’

  ‘Martin is the younger son, then?’ asked Wimsey, politely showing more interest than he felt in the rather well-worn plot of this village melodrama.

  ‘No, he is the eldest of the lot. The house is entailed, of course, and so is the estate, such as it is. But there’s no money in the land. Old Burdock made his fortune in rubber shares during the boom, and the money will go as he leaves it — wherever that may be, for they haven’t found any will yet. He’s probably left it all to Haviland.’

  ‘The younger son?’

  ‘Yes. He’s something in the City — a director of a company — connected with silk stockings, I believe. Nobody has seen very much of him. He came down as soon as he heard of his father’s death. He’s staying with the Hancocks. The big house has been shut up since old Burdock went to the States four years ago. I suppose Haviland thought it wasn’t worth while opening it up till they knew what Martin was going to do about it. That’s why the body is being taken to the church.’

  ‘Much less trouble, certainly,’ said Wimsey.

  ‘Oh, yes — though, mind you, I think Haviland ought to take a more neighbourly view of it. Considering the position the Burdock’s have always held in the place, the people had a right to expect a proper reception after the funeral. It’s usual. But these business people think less of tradition than we do down here. And, naturally, since the Hancocks are putting Haviland up, he can’t raise much objection to the candles and the prayers and things.’

  ‘Perhaps not,’ said Mrs Frobisher-Pym, ‘but it would have been more suitable if Haviland had come to us, rather than to the Hancocks, whom he doesn’t even know.’

  ‘My dear, you forget the very unpleasant dispute I had with Haviland Burdock about shooting over my land. After the correspondence that passed between us, last time he was down here, I could scarcely offer him hospitality. His father took a perfectly proper view of it, I will say that for him, but Haviland was exceedingly discourteous to me, and things were said which I could not possibly overlook. However, we mustn’t bore you, Lord Peter, with our local small-tal
k. If you’ve finished your breakfast, what do you say to a walk round the place? It’s a pity it’s raining so hard — and you don’t see the garden at its best this time of year, of course — but I’ve got some cocker span’els you might like to have a look at.’

  Lord Peter expressed eager anxiety to see the spaniels, and in a few minutes’ time found himself squelching down the gravel path which led to the kennels.

  ‘Nothing like a healthy country life,’ said Mr Frobisher-Pym. ‘I always think London is so depressing in the winter. Nothing to do with one’s self. All right to run up for a day or two and see a theatre now and again, but how you people stick it week in and week out beats me. I must speak to Plunkett about this archway,’ he added. ‘It’s getting out of trim.’

  He broke off a dangling branch of ivy as he spoke. The plant shuddered revengefully, tipping a small shower of water down Wimsey’s neck.

  The cocker spaniel and her family occupied a comfortable and airy stall in the stable buildings. A youngish man in breeches and leggings emerged to greet the visitors, and produced the little bundles of puppyhood for their inspection. Wimsey sat down on an upturned bucket and examined them gravely one by one. The bitch, after cautiously reviewing his boots and grumbling a little, decided that he was trustworthy and slobbered genially over his knees.

  ‘Let me see,’ said Mr Frobisher-Pym, ‘how old are they?’

  ‘Thirteen days, sir.’

  ‘Is she feeding them all right?’

  ‘Fine, sir. She’s having some of the malt food. Seems to suit her very well, sir.’

  ‘Ah, yes. Plunkett was a little doubtful about it, but I heard it spoken very well of. Plunkett doesn’t care for experiments, and, in a general way, I agree with him. Where is Plunkett, by the way?’

  ‘He’s not very well this morning, sir.’

  ‘Sorry to hear that, Merridew. The rheumatics again?’

  ‘No, sir. From what Mrs Plunkett tells me, he’s had a bit of a shock.’