“They have balloon rides here?”
“Yup. Are you up for it?”
“Hell yeah. It’s been on my bucket list for years.”
“You have a bucket list?”
“Duh, Logan, it’s not like we haven’t talked about it.” They had? He didn’t recall her ever saying anything about a bucket list. Was she sure it wasn’t some other Logan she’d told because he sure as shit didn’t remember ever hearing about one?
By the time they got back to the villa, it was full on dark, and the lights had come on by the pool. Heading straight for the phone he called about the reservations and was able to get their names added to the list for the dawn balloon ride. It meant getting up early if they were going to make it by six a.m.
“Should I open the bottle of wine, babe?”
“Nah, not if we have to get up early. Let’s save it. Unless you want a glass?” She yawned as she answered. All the fresh sea air was making them both tired. It had been a long ride too which was always tiring. She probably was right about the wine. Better to save it for their anniversary toast on Monday evening. He couldn’t wait to spring that surprise on her.
Chapter Eight
Startled awake, Chloe blinked to focus and checked the time on the bedside clock. Three a.m.? What woke her?
“Incoming. Take cover. Dammit, Sherm, get the fuck out of there!”
Shit. Logan thrashed around in the bed. Not sure what to do, sat up and tentatively touched the arm closest to her, ready to jump out of bed if he went on the attack. Lily told her that once Alex had actually punched her without realizing when she’d woken him from a dream.
“Goddammit, where is it coming from? Medic! We need a medic here!”
Her touch didn’t do anything, so she shook his arm. “Logan, wake up. You’re having a dream. C’mon on, baby. It’s okay,” she murmured using the same tone she did when the girls had nightmares. At least he stopped talking. She remembered Sherm, he’d been killed in action last year. Only eighteen, just out of high school, his life cut way too short. It had hit Logan hard, but then so had every loss. She hadn’t realized he’d been having nightmares about it.
“Logan?”
“I’m awake. What’s wrong? Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. You were having a nightmare.” All she got was a grunt. “Are you really awake.”
“Yeah. Sorry, babe. It’s been happening on and off lately. I was hoping being home would stop them.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Ugh, I don’t know. I’ve been trying to ignore them.”
“Well, at least now I understand why you look so exhausted. When was the last time you slept through the night?” The mattress shifted as he turned to face her but she couldn’t see more than the outline of his body. She thought about turning on the light, but she wasn’t sure if she could handle the tortured expression she could almost guarantee was on his face. She knew him well enough to know without a doubt it would be there, and it broke her heart.
“I didn’t mean to wake you.”
“It’s okay. But I’m awake now. I’m going to get some water. Do you want something?”
“I’ll get up too. Let’s go sit by the pool. I need to get outside.” After a bathroom stop, she grabbed a couple of water bottles and stepped onto the patio. Logan was sitting on one of the chaise lounges with his head in his hands. Her first instinct was to rush over and hug him, but she knew better. He wouldn’t want her pity, support yes, pity no, and he’d think that’s what it was.
“Here, babe.” She handed him a bottle and sat in one of the other chairs. Except for the occasional frog, it was quiet enough that she could hear the ocean lapping at the beach. Leaning back in the lounger, she gazed at the star-filled sky and waited to see if he’d say something—anything.
About ready to give up and try to pry it out of him, he finally took a swig of water and turned toward her. “Did I say anything you could understand?”
“Yeah, you did. I heard Sherm’s name.”
“Fuck.” He sighed, took another swig of water, and met her eyes. What she saw tore her apart. The stark look of anguish brought tears to her eyes, and she blinked to force them away. The last thing he needed was her tears.
“It’s really okay, you know. Sickness and in health, until death do us part. Remember?”
“Yeah but you don’t need to hear my horror stories.”
“I do. The last few times you’ve been home there’s been distance between us. I thought it was just because you’ve been away so much. But now I think it’s this. You’re holding all this shit in and cutting yourself off from me, or maybe everyone. Have you even told Alex?”
“No way. He knows but we haven’t talked about it.”
“Why not? Don’t you think he has them too? Hell, I know he does. I was kind of surprised I’d never heard you have one. But maybe you just weren’t sleeping deeply enough.”
A sheepish look came over his face, and he averted his eyes, instead looking across the pool into the darkness. What he saw in his mind she had no idea, but it was enough to make him shudder.
“You know, I kind of understand your reluctance, but you have to talk to someone. If you don’t let it out, it’s going to eat you alive.”
Another sigh. But at least he turned to meet her eyes, and the tortured expression was gone, replaced with resolve. “You’re right. Sherm’s death hit me hard. There were others before and since but he was different. Maybe because he was so young, fuck he didn’t even need to shave yet. Being in that Godforsaken hell hole was the last place he should have been.”
Chloe nodded but kept silent. She was afraid if she interrupted him he’d stop talking and he needed this, no matter how hard it might be for her to hear.
“Did you know his mother wrote to me afterward?” She shook her head; still not sure she should speak. “She did. Wanted to tell me how grateful she was for me being so great to her son. Apparently, he’d written and told her all about me like I was some kind of fucking hero. What kind of hero lets an eighteen-year-old get blown to bits? They couldn’t even find all of him. I’ll never forget the look on his face as he turned to me just as the bomb exploded.”
She couldn’t let him keep blaming himself. It was war, he didn’t start it and he sure as hell wasn’t going to be the one to end it. Too many people died, and they were all too young. But it sure as shit wasn’t his fault. She moved over to his chaise and sat next to him, sliding her arms around his waist and leaning her head on his back.
“I’m sure you did all you could to save him—to save them all. It’s how you’re made. It’s what makes you so good at your job.”
“I should have been able to save him.”
“Baby, you can’t save everyone. I can’t believe you’ve been carrying this around with you for over a year, and blaming yourself. Logan, look at me. It’s not your fault about Sherm or Mac or Tag or any of the guys. It just is. You have to let it go.” At first, she wasn’t sure he’d even heard her. But then he turned and pulled her onto his lap.
“I know what you’re saying. My mind tells me you’re right, but my heart…that’s another story.”
“You’re looking at it wrong.”
“How am I doing that? A kid is dead. And yeah he might have been over eighteen, but he was still a kid. I don’t think he’d even been with a woman yet.”
“Trust me, you are. And his mother wrote to you because you helped her son when she couldn’t, you mentored him, gave him the strength to deal with what he had to, and by doing that you gave her the strength to deal with his loss. She knew he didn’t die alone, and he was cared for. You have no idea how important that is to a mother. Don’t you see that?”
“I never looked at it that way.”
Chloe’s lips curved into a gentle smile, it was one she’d often used with the girls. Being a mother had taught her a lot of people skills, and she was grateful she could use them to help Logan.
One of his large ca
llused hands slid under her hair and along her neck, tilting her head back and lowering his lips to hers for a kiss. She tasted his regret but also relief. It convinced her more than ever that maybe the time had come for him to come home permanently.
“Baby, I know that this is the life you’ve chosen, but it might be a chance to reconsider everything. For a change...”
“What? Quit?”
“No, not quit. Just not go on any more deployments. You’ve served more than your share.”
“Chloe.” He sounded exasperated. Not exactly the reaction she’d hoped for, but what she should have expected. “We talked about this. You know it’s the best opportunity for advancement. I want to provide a good life for you and the girls.”
“I understand that I really do. But what about the toll it’s taking on you, on all of us? Don’t you think they’d rather have you home? Do you really believe any of us care whether you’re a lieutenant or a captain or even a colonel? Seriously?”
“I care.”
“I know you do. I don’t want to argue with you over this, I don’t. I just hate seeing how this is eating you alive. I love you, Logan. You’re the man of my dreams, and I don’t want to lose you. Will you please just agree to think about it at least?”
“You’re not going to lose me.”
“You don’t know that for sure. Every time you leave, it could be for the last time. Look at what we’re talking about. It could just as easily have been you instead of Sherm. Or what about Mac and Tag, and the Humvee. How many close calls have you had over the years? Don’t even try to tell me you haven’t. I’ve seen enough wives get notified, every time one of those damn military cars pulls up in front of someone’s house it tears us all up.”
“But like you said, you’ve known this was my life—our life—from the beginning.”
“That’s true. I did. But I didn’t realize it would mean I’d practically be raising the girls on my own. I don’t know what I’d have done if I didn’t have Lily.” Storm clouds gathered in his eyes and she knew she’d gone too far. But like a runaway train, she couldn’t stop. Obviously, he wasn’t the only one with things bottled up inside.
“I knew I shouldn’t have discussed this with you. That you’d make it into something it’s not. I feel horrible, yes. But you’re right, I need to let it go, and you’re overreacting. Seriously, Chloe. I’m fine, I’ll be fine. We’ll be fine. You’ll see.”
Before she could stop herself, the words popped out and lay between them like an elephant in the room. “I’m pregnant.” Shit, not exactly her finest moment. And definitely not how she planned on telling him. Watching for his reaction, she wasn’t sure if he heard her. As her words sank in, her stomach clenched. It was stupid, they loved each other, he’d be happy, right? As he swallowed, probably trying to figure out what to say, she struggled out of his hold and to her feet. She didn’t want to be in his arms if he was going to say something to piss her off. She needed breathing room.
Chapter Nine
“You’re pregnant?”
“Yes. I am. I found out three days ago. About four months along. Apparently, you gave me an extra Christmas present when you were home.” She was standing at the edge of the pool, facing him with her arms wrapped around her waist like she was protecting the baby. Her body language screamed at him to take her in his arms and hold her; to tell her everything would be alright. But he couldn’t move, he physically could not move, like he’d been cemented to the chair. Holy fuck. Another baby. He was going to be a dad again. A myriad of emotions raced through his mind, but mostly happiness. They were going to have another baby. He was happy, damn happy. So why was she staring at him like she expected him to lose it?
“This is great news. A baby. It also explains a lot. You’ve been sleeping so much I was worried you were sick. Especially when you fell asleep in the car.”
“I wondered if you’d noticed. Nope, definitely not sick. But I am about to get really huge again.”
“I love it when you’re pregnant. You’re adorable.”
“So you’re not upset?”
“Upset? Why…oh baby, did you really think I’d be upset? You should know better.”
“Maybe a little. I mean, we never talked about how many kids we wanted. And the girls are older already and in school. It’ll be like starting over. And I’m really not looking forward to raising another child alone.”
“So that’s where all this is coming from.” The puzzle pieces dropped into place. He didn’t doubt her concern, and she’d made a good point, but it was only part of it. It wasn’t fair that she was trying to make him feel guilty for doing all he could to provide for his family.
Of course, he missed her and the girls. And hated they were growing up without him, but this was his career—the one he wanted, and it was important to him. A responsibility he took seriously, and she’d known it from the beginning. But he couldn’t deny the truth of what she said either. Most of their married life he’d been overseas somewhere, usually in a war zone, while she was taking care of everything else. But wasn’t that what a military wife was supposed to do?
“No that’s not where ‘this is coming from.’ I know how important your career is but isn’t your family at least as important? You can still advance if you’re here. Surely all these deployments have to count for something?”
“I’m sure they do.”
“Will you at least think about it?”
“I don’t know, maybe. Do I have a choice?”
“I can’t believe you just said that. Maybe I should just give this baby to Lily like you suggested earlier? That would solve everything, right? No new baby, no reason to come home and be with your family.”
Chloe stormed through the French doors and into the villa without another word. What the hell? He didn’t know what to think, they went from talking about his nightmares, to changing his job, to a new baby. It had to be her hormones talking, right? He tried to remember what she was like during her last two pregnancies when he realized he wouldn’t know. He’d barely been around for them and hadn’t even been home for one of the births. Guilt kicked him in the stomach. She was pregnant with their child, why were they fighting?
He knew he had to talk to her but first he needed a drink and water wasn’t going to cut it. He went inside and rummaged through the kitchen, thankfully the mini-bar was well stocked, and he pulled out a few bottles of scotch and poured them into a glass. Then reached in and took two more and carried the glass and the bottles back outside. He reasoned they both needed time to cool off. So much for a celebratory weekend.
He was half tempted to call Alex and tell him about this shit. He might have too if his phone wasn’t inside in the bedroom. He sure as hell didn’t feel like going in there yet.
This was some fucked up shit. Here he’d done everything he could think of to make this a special weekend for her and this is how she thanked him. What the fuck? Not that he expected her to thank him really, but turning his nightmare into a reason to change his career plans. Then throwing his words in his face. She had to have known he was kidding earlier when he said they should give one of their kids to Lily. She professes to know him, so again, what the fuck?
Lifting his glass in a toast to the cosmos, he took a long drink. The scotch burned as he swallowed, and left a trail of fire to the pit of his stomach. At least, it took away the chill he’d gotten from the breeze brushing over his naked skin. He should have put on a t-shirt or something, the boxers weren’t much cover. The weather in Florida was like night and day from the constant dry desert heat, and he sure as shit didn’t miss it. He hated the sand, the sun, the freezing cold nights, but like he’d told Chloe it was his job. It was almost time for his evaluation too, definitely not the time for a change, even if he’d had enough desert to last him a lifetime.
Another swig of scotch and the first two bottles were history. He opened the next two and refilled his pity party in a glass. He loved Chloe, but damn she could be pig-headed. But it was part
of what he loved about her. She’d never been a pushover. Hadn’t fallen for him because of his uniform like so many of the girls.
She’d made sacrifices, they both had, but he’d thought they were on the same page. At least until she burst that bubble. With a yawn, he stretched out on the chaise and took another drink. The sun peaked over the horizon, painting the sky with the deep purples and reds of pre-dawn. He really should go in and talk to her. Yup, he would, just after he finished his drink.
***
Chloe was spitting mad. If she’d been in her own house, she probably would have thrown something—most likely at Logan too. Instead, she went inside, slammed the door to the bedroom, and threw herself onto the bed and cried. Then cried some more. She hated to cry, despised it with a passion, but telling herself it was the pregnancy hormones she gave in to it.
Sure she’d been the one to run off, but it was that or say something she’d be sorry for later. They hardly ever fought, she couldn’t even remember the last time, maybe they were due. Too bad it had to be when they were celebrating in one of the most romantic places they’d ever been. Thinking about it made her cry harder. Wrenching sobs, that shook her entire body and soaked the pillow. Eventually, she cried herself to sleep, still hoping he’d come in and apologize.
The ring of the phone woke her. Half asleep she reached for her cell before she realized it was the villa’s phone.
Clearing her throat, she answered. “Hello?”
“Mrs. Mitchell?”
“Yes?”
“This is the front desk. I’m calling to see if you want to reschedule your balloon ride for this evening since they had weather issues this morning.”
Shit. She’d totally forgotten about the balloon ride. They were probably lucky the weather conditions hadn’t been right since they apparently blew off their reservation. It looked like it would be going back on the bucket list. She doubted Logan would still want to go. She sure as hell didn’t feel like going up in a balloon with him at the moment. Speaking of ‘him’ where was he? He’d never come back to bed.
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