by Claire Adams
I couldn’t exactly blame her. I was still angrier at myself than I was at Harper.
I was on my way back home when I got a text from Harper. Sent out DNA test. That was all it said.
I felt my heart sink. Shit. I’d sent the DNA test in anger, figuring that if she didn’t want me to have any part in Ava’s life, then there were ways that I could force her to let me see my daughter. But I didn’t really plan on suing Harper for custody. I didn’t think it was necessary, first of all. I was pretty sure that Harper and I could come up with some sort of solution, some way to make sure that we both got to have the relationship that we wanted with our daughter.
Things might get messy if Harper and I continued to date and then broke up. But I knew Harper wanted what was best for her daughter, and I liked to think that she would never have gotten involved with me again if she didn’t think that I could be a good influence on Ava.
I started to text a reply, but the things I wanted to say were too complicated. In the end, I finally just dialed her number, waiting with baited breath for her to pick up. “I’m really sorry about the DNA test thing,” I told her immediately. “To be honest, I sent that when I was angry. I had this stupid fear like you might not ever let me around Ava if things weren’t working out between the two of us, and I figured that if you weren’t going to let me near her, I could force you to.”
“You’re suing me for custody is what you’re saying,” Harper said flatly.
“No!” I said quickly. “I did think about it. But I think if you and I just talk, we can figure things out ourselves. Don’t you think so? Everything was working out fine, you and I dating, me getting to see Ava. Things don’t really need to change, do they?”
It wasn’t exactly what I wanted, but I figured it was a good placeholder for now if nothing else. I knew that Harper and I were going to have to do some work on our relationship to get things back to where they had been. We needed to learn to trust one another. I remembered what Nancy had said about telling Harper about my childhood, how that would help foster trust. Maybe that was a good place to start.
But Harper didn’t seem to want any of that. “I don’t think that’s the best idea,” Harper said after a moment, her voice still expressionless.
“What do you mean?” I asked in surprise. I’d expected us to be on the same page. I’d expected that she’d want to talk. Wasn’t that why she had texted me now, after all?
“I mean, I don’t think that’s the best idea, you and I getting back into a relationship,” Harper said. At this point, her voice was positively frosty. “Maybe we just need to try and figure out the co-parenting thing. I’m not going to fight you on that, and I hope it doesn’t come down to something where we need to go to court. But us being together just makes things complicated.”
I was quiet, thinking that over. I knew that what she said was true. I knew that if things didn’t work out between Harper and me, we were going to have to figure this all out all over again, only there would be even more feelings tangled up in it. We probably would have to go to court at that point. But at the same time, I thought it was worth trying. Things had been good between us. We had always connected so well, and I still felt like there was some sort of fate pulling me towards her. How else would we have randomly ended up at the same place at the same time, there in Boston, in buildings that were only a couple of streets apart?
In some strange way, it felt like Harper and I were meant to be.
But I didn’t think that arguing with her about it right now was the best way to solve things. “So can we meet up at some point?” I tried. “We really need to talk.”
“We do,” Harper agreed, sighing. “But I’m really busy at the moment.”
I frowned, wanting to point out that if she could make time for Ava, surely, she could make time to discuss co-parenting our daughter. But again, I didn’t want to push too hard. I didn’t want Harper to get mad at me and try to cut me out entirely. I didn’t want her to disappear again. So I let it slide.
“All right,” I said. “When you have time, give me a call.”
“I will,” Harper said. She hung up without even saying goodbye.
I wanted to march right over there. I had this scene in my head, a big, dramatic Hollywood scene. She’d open the door, and I’d grab her, pull her into my arms, and kiss her hard. I’d remind her how good we were together. Remind her that this could work out between us. She just needed to trust me.
But I knew things didn’t work that way in real life.
Instead, I stopped off at a flower place on the way home. I looked through the selection. Something exotic for Harper, something pretty for Ava. That’s what I wanted to send. They both deserved to get good things in the mail.
“Did you want to put something on the card?” the florist asked me as I paid for the bouquets.
I thought about it for a moment. There were so many things that I wanted to say to Harper. But the things that I most wanted to say were things that needed to be said in person. And even of those things, there were a number of them that I just plain wasn’t ready to admit yet. I definitely wasn’t ready to write them down on a card.
I shook my head. “Just send them like this,” I said. “She’ll know who they’re from.”
“Okay,” said the florist, giving me a disbelieving look. But she didn’t press it. I paid and left.
33
Harper
Tuesday morning, I finally had something to take my mind off everything with Ace. I was really excited to cover this story, one about a group of local politicians and some legislation that they were trying to push through. It was probably the biggest story I’d been handed since Ava was born, and I was excited to go do my interviews.
I dressed smartly in a skirt suit, actually taking the time to do my hair and makeup even though I wasn’t going to be on camera or anything. When I walked out to the kitchen, Mom smiled at me. “Mama looks pretty,” Ava said.
“Thanks, kiddo,” I said, grinning down at her. “You be good for Grammie today, okay?”
Ava nodded solemnly. She loved Maisie, but I knew she was excited to have her grandmother there to watch her that day instead. Maisie was busy, and I’d gotten handed the piece sort of last minute. I’d had to scramble to find someone to take care of her. My first thought, surprisingly enough, had been Ace. But I couldn’t just call him to ask if he could watch Ava for the day. No matter how important the assignment was.
Ace and I needed to talk, I knew, but I still didn’t know what to say to him.
I was hurt, more than anything else. He hadn’t even given me a chance to explain anything; he had just gotten up and stormed out. And then to receive the DNA test in the mail so shortly thereafter—it just hurt. I’d thought he really cared about me, but from the way he had acted, I’d been mistaken.
Over the phone, I could tell that he was upset, too. And I felt doubly guilty for not just giving in and telling him that it was fine, that we could go back to our easy relationship and not deal with the Ava situation. But I knew that wasn’t fair to any of us.
I had to figure out what I wanted before I talked to Ace. The trouble was, I knew exactly what I wanted. The more time passed, the more I realized how much I really loved Ace. I wanted us to be together, and I wanted us to have our nice little family, just the three of us. But I knew that was easier said than done.
What if Ace and I didn’t work out? He was always going to be a part of my life now that he knew about Ava. If things didn’t work out between us, I was still going to have to interact with Ace. Could I still do that, even if he broke my heart?
I wasn’t so sure that I could. Which was why when he suggested we continue our relationship for now, I had been quick to disagree. Things were just too complicated. I didn’t know what to do.
The doorbell rang, and I frowned. It was only ten in the morning—too early for the mail. I didn’t know who else would ring the doorbell. Was it Ace? I hoped not. It didn’t seem like his style, th
ough either. He wouldn’t just show up out of the blue in the middle of the morning. He’d call first. Whatever else I might say about him, he respected the boundaries I had set up.
When I opened the door, I was surprised to see a courier there. What’s more, he was carrying two bouquets of flowers, one addressed to me and one to Ava.
Ava’s face lit up as she shyly accepted her little bouquet. “Mama, look!” she said, as though I weren’t standing right there, looking down at her, watching her expression change to absolute glee. It was her first time ever getting flowers, and they came from her dad. I didn’t know how I knew that, but I just did.
And I felt like I was going to cry.
“Those are very nice,” Mom said as she came out into the hall. She bent over to sniff my bouquet of flowers. “From you-know-who, I’m guessing?” She gave a pointed look toward Ava but didn’t say Ace’s name, for which I was grateful. The last thing I needed was for Ava to start wondering why Ace had sent us both flowers.
I nodded at Mom. “Yeah, I think so.”
“Hmm,” Mom said, nodding. “Well, let’s get them put into some vases. Ava, you’ll help me with that, right?”
“Uh-huh!” Ava said brightly, skipping after her grandmother into the kitchen.
I paused in the hallway for a moment, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, trying to get my emotions in check. But it was hard to do. The truth was, I wanted to still be dating Ace. I did have feelings for him. But I had to remember that rushing headlong into a relationship with him was only going to possibly hurt Ava, and I couldn’t have that.
I slowly moved into the kitchen. Mom and Ava had already gotten down a couple vases, and Mom was explaining to Ava that we had to put a little water in for the flowers so that they would last longer. She clipped the bottoms of Ava’s sunflowers and started arranging them with Ava’s dubious help.
“You’re very lucky to have a man who’ll send you flowers,” Mom said, winking over at me. “It’s not every man who’ll do that.”
I shook my head. “He shouldn’t have,” I muttered.
“I know things are shaky between the two of you at the moment, but isn’t this a wonderful way for him to let you know that he’s thinking about you all the same?”
I sighed. I got the message. I needed to thank him.
It really was a nice gesture, too. I just wished that I could see it with no strings attached. Instead, it felt like accepting the flowers meant I now owed something to Ace, even though I had never asked him to send flowers in the first place.
But what was worse, that traitorous part of my mind, the part that liked to picture Ace and me together, as a couple, was going nuts now, imagining all sorts of scenarios like this. Anniversaries, birthdays, Mother’s Days. Breakfast in bed and walks in the park and watching our little Ava grow up. Together.
I couldn’t keep thinking about that, though. That wasn’t anything that I was prepared for, not yet.
Still, I called Ace while I was on my way to the interview. I at least needed to thank him. And maybe to tell him not ever to do something like that again, as much as I appreciated it.
I wanted to tell him all about the way his daughter’s eyes had lit up. The way she made Mom take the flowers into the living room so that she could look at them while she was coloring. The way that she had already started her own artistic rendering of the flowers, done in bright yellow crayon. I knew Ace would think that she was adorable, just like I did.
After all, she was our daughter.
Ace didn’t answer his phone, though. Instead, it went straight to voicemail. I fought back a wave of disappointment, reminding myself that it was probably better that he didn’t answer. If I had to deal with his voice now, as well as the fact that he had sent flowers to our house, I might just melt. I might ask him to take me back, to reconsider our relationship. I loved him, after all.
“Hey, Ace,” I said. “I just wanted to say thanks for the flowers, assuming you’re the one who sent them. They’re lovely. Ava was really excited.” I paused. “I’d like to meet up at some point. Give me a call back when you can, and we can figure out a time. Thanks. Talk to you soon.”
The message was a bit rambling; I just couldn’t seem to get my thoughts straight, and part of me didn’t want to hang up the phone. Part of me still clung to the idea that he might pick up midway through the message.
I wanted to talk to him, even though I was afraid to do so.
I forced myself to stop thinking about Ace, though, and start thinking about my interview. I couldn’t afford to be distracted, not this time. Fortunately, the interview went well. It was easier than I’d expected, with the politicians basically feeding me the information that I needed. I knew that they had no doubt been briefed by their PR people, but I hadn’t expected things to go so smoothly.
I guess I’d expected it to be more like the interviews that I’d done in Kuwait, where I’d had to fish for all the details that I wanted. I had to remind myself that just because it was a big story, it didn’t mean it was going to be the same kind of work.
I wasn’t sure if this was really going to be the huge article that I’d thought it would be. There wasn’t as much of a scoop as I’d thought; it was more the kind of stuff that anyone would know if they followed politics at all. But I supposed the trick was to phrase things in a way that our average reader, if they had no political background, could understand.
I had a message from Ace when I got out of the interview, and I cursed under my breath. Obviously, I wouldn’t have been able to answer the call in the middle of my interview anyway, but I hadn’t even felt my phone go off. It would have been nice to at least know that Ace had called back.
Even though I’d been trying not to think about him during the interview anyway.
I had to stop this. My head was starting to hurt.
I listened to the message. “Hey, Harper. Glad you and Ava liked the flowers. But I didn’t send them to guilt you into meeting up with me. That’s still your call, for whenever you’re not busy.”
I frowned. He almost sounded as though he didn’t want to meet up with me. But that was a total reversal from what he’d said before. I was confused.
But then again, he was probably at least as confused as I was. After all, I’d had months to get used to the idea that I was going to have a kid, and now I’d had three years to get used to the fact that I had a kid. This had all kind of been dumped on Ace. If anyone should be confused about what he wanted from his relationship with me and his relationship with Ava, it was him.
I started to wonder whether I’d been too quick to judge him. I should have just agreed to meet up yesterday. He deserved that much, at least.
The truth was, I was still hurt by the fact that he hadn’t even let me get a word in. He’d just accused me of lying to him, and then he’d walked out. I knew, on the one hand, that he was justified in all of that. But on the other hand, I’d expected him to care more about me, to want to work through things.
Then again, I had to remind myself that he had only been back from military service for a short while. I was sure he had enough stuff to work through already, and here I was dumping a kid on him, too. It had to be overwhelming. I should cut him some more slack.
Around and around I went in my head. It was enough to make me dizzy.
I looked at the time. His message hadn’t come in that long ago, just over ten minutes prior. There was a chance I might still be able to catch him. I quickly gave him a call, but I got his voicemail box again. “Hey, Ace, it’s me again. The flowers aren’t the only reason I agreed to meet. We have a kid together, remember?” I meant it as a joke, but right after I said it, I regretted it. Did it sound like a joke, or did it sound like I was just rubbing his nose in the fact that he hadn’t known about Ava for the first three years of her life?
I cleared my throat and continued. “Seriously, I think we should talk. Call me back if you can.”
I hung up feeling strangely flustered. I
kind of wished there were a way to call and delete that message or to redo it somehow. But I knew that there wasn’t. I had to live with it now.
I waited anxiously through the afternoon for him to call me back. The whole time I worked on my article, I was thinking about him. I had to scrap draft after draft; none of them sounded right. By evening, my editor was asking me what my progress was and if I was going to have the piece ready in time to go to layout and get printed for the following morning. I wasn’t sure that I would.
And I hated that. No matter what was happening between Ace and me, I needed to stay professional. I needed to get my work done.
But it was difficult with Ava’s picture of sunflowers sitting there on the edge of my desk. She’d been so excited by those flowers. It had been such a sweet gesture for him to send them to her at the same time that he sent some for me.
It seemed like no matter what, I couldn’t stop thinking about Ace.
He finally called me back. “Hey,” I said breathlessly, answering on the first ring.
“Hey,” Ace said, sounding surprised that he had caught me. “So you wanted to meet up?”
“Yeah,” I said. “I’m just finishing up a story tonight, but I’d be free anytime tomorrow. Or the next day.” I was trying not to sound too eager or too desperate, but I was afraid that I fell short there.
“I’ve got business stuff to deal with all week,” Ace said, his tone clipped and formal.
I paused, blinking off into space. “Oh. Okay,” I said quietly, wondering what that could possibly mean. He had been the one who really wanted to talk to me the previous day. He had been the one to send the flowers. But now, it sounded as though he wanted nothing more to do with me. What was going on in his head?
Suddenly, I swallowed. Maybe the flowers were an apology. Maybe after yesterday, when I’d blown him off, he’d decided that we weren’t going to be able to work things out between us after all, and now he was really going through with his plan to sue me for custody. He might already have a lawyer and everything.