The Broken Man (Special Edition)

by Josephine Cox

  ‘I thought I did as well. But maybe we should have discussed it further, before raising this poor boy’s hopes.’

  ‘No! Haven’t we already discussed it until we’re blue in the face, and it always comes out the same?’

  ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

  ‘Well, tell me this: would you still want to get pregnant, with such a high chance that our two beautiful children could be left without a mother?’

  ‘It would break my heart to think of leaving them.’

  ‘Yes, and it would break mine too.’

  Flicking the indicator, Jim drew the car to the kerb and parked. Then he took hold of Liz’s hand to tell her gently, ‘Listen to me, sweetheart. I know how hard it is, but I thought we had already faced the situation and come to a joint decision. I love our two girls, and I still have room in my heart for a third child. I honestly don’t mind whether it’s a boy or a girl, but I don’t want a third child if it means losing you.’

  He leaned over and kissed her. ‘Do you think I don’t know just how difficult it is for you? You’re a wonderful wife … a natural mother. But you seem to have forgotten what the doctor said. He sat us both down and he told us that after the dangerous and traumatic time you had through both births, a third one might well be too much of a risk.’

  ‘I know that. But a doctor can be wrong. It has been known.’

  ‘No, Liz! For heaven’s sake, listen to yourself! We almost lost both you and Harriet. Your heart actually stopped! You were in hospital for weeks. Even after you were eventually allowed home, it took you as long again to recover. Have you forgotten all of that?’

  Liz had not forgotten the awful nightmare, not for a single minute. ‘I just thought that maybe, with a third child, they would monitor me more. That’s all,’ she said quietly.

  ‘Oh, I see.’ Jim made a desperate effort to remain calm, although he was deeply angry at what she was saying. ‘So, let me get this straight. You would like us to try for another child. And, regardless of what the doctor said, you think you know better. You think that if they monitor you throughout the pregnancy – if they keep you in for possibly a third or half of the pregnancy – everything will be just fine.’

  ‘But it might be.’

  ‘And the chances are it might not. And what about your two daughters? What if you were kept in hospital in order to “monitor” you? Would you really want them to be without their mother … possibly for months? I would take your place with the girls … possibly even lose my job. And every minute of every day I would wonder if you were ever coming home to us again.’

  Tearful, knowing that he was right, Liz felt ashamed. ‘I’m sorry. It’s just that—’

  ‘I know it’s difficult, sweetheart. But, let’s look at this another way. There’s a young boy out there who’s been through a nightmare. They say he’s lost everything: his home, and his family. He has nothing and no one. They’ve told us what happened to him, and now they’re trying to find him a family, some people who might build his belief in humanity again. Some people who might show him that the world is not the ugly, cruel place he has seen so far.’ He grew emotional. ‘Oh, Liz! We could give this boy so much. And who knows, maybe he’ll do the same for us. But we won’t do this unless you’re happy about it. As for me, I’m ready to show him kindness and love as a substitute father. But before we go on, you have to be sure.’

  ‘You’re such a good man.’ Liz slid over in her seat and kissed him soundly on the face. ‘Jim Dexter, you are the kindest, most sensible man I’ve ever known. And I love you.’

  Jim kissed her back. ‘Are you nervous?’

  ‘A bit. But I feel more content about the whole thing now.’

  ‘Good. Now hang on. We’re late already!’

  Reassured, he pulled back out onto the road and roared away.

  After seeing them off, Maureen set about her duties.

  First, she ran up the stairs to peep in on Alice, who was still curled up in bed, sleeping soundly.

  Tenderly, she took hold of the corner of her blanket and drew it up to her chin. ‘That’s a good girl,’ she whispered. ‘You sleep, while I see to the baby.’

  Running downstairs, she crossed to the cot, where Harriet was happily sucking her thumb. ‘It’s not your feed time yet.’ Maureen collected her from the cot. ‘Ooh! You’re a fat little lump and no mistake.’

  Going over to the sideboard, she switched on the radio, and tuned it to her favourite music, which immediately filled the room. Soon she was jigging and jiving and thoroughly enjoying herself. Even the baby was smiling.

  ‘Like it, do you?’ Maureen jiggled Harriet up and down as they went round the room, and the baby laughed out loud. ‘You and me, we’re a right couple of swingers, aren’t we, eh?’

  Maureen was never happier than when she was listening to music and dancing the night away. There were all manner of new groups emerging, and she loved the new, exciting sounds that filled the clubs and pubs.

  When the song ended, she placed the baby in her cot, dismayed to see that she’d been sick on her bib. ‘Too much for you, was it?’ She cleaned her up and set about checking her nappy. ‘Good! Nice and clean … One thing I hate is changing nappies … ugh!’

  ‘Maureen?’ Alice, woken by the music, had made her way downstairs. ‘Where’s Mum?’

  Small-built, Alice was blessed with big brown eyes and thick, straight brown hair. Normally she was as sweet-natured as she was pretty, but for some reason she now appeared to be unsettled.

  ‘Mum and Dad have gone out. Mum said you didn’t sleep very well last night. Maybe you might be better off going back to bed … get some more sleep before Mummy and Daddy come home.’

  ‘I don’t want to go back to bed. I want to stay here with you.’

  ‘OK. If that’s what you want, that’s fine by me.’ Maureen could not recall Alice being so irritable.

  She brought Alice right into the room. ‘I bet you’re hungry, aren’t you? I’ll make you something to eat. I’m sure your mummy’s cupboards are full as always, so what do you want?’

  ‘I want my mum.’

  ‘I already told you, she and Daddy have gone out. They’ll be back soon, though.’

  ‘Mummy told me about the boy.’

  ‘Oh, did she? Well, there you are then. So, you’ve no need to worry, have you?’

  Maureen had recently overheard her own mother and Liz Dexter discussing the idea of the Dexters’ fostering a child. When she later quizzed her mother, she was told never to eavesdrop on other people’s conversations, and that she was to forget what she’d overheard. She had effectively put it out of her mind until just now, when Alice mentioned ‘the boy’.

  Heeding her mother’s warning, she changed the subject to take Alice’s mind off the idea of ‘the boy’. ‘I bet you’re hungry, aren’t you? What if I get you some cereal, or a glass of orange squash and a slice of toast?’

  ‘I don’t want anything to eat!’ Running across the room, Alice threw herself on the chair beside the baby’s cot, where she sat, very quiet and seemingly tearful.

  ‘What’s wrong, Alice?’ Concerned, Maureen came and kneeled on the carpet beside her.

  ‘Nothing.’ Alice turned away.

  Maureen persisted. ‘There must be something wrong. You’ve come downstairs in a funny old mood. Why is that? Has something upset you? Or is it just that you’re still tired?’

  Alice shook her head, but gave no other reply.

  Maureen was not so easily put off. ‘So, do you want to talk about it?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘I’m a good listener.’

  Alice shook her head a second time.

  ‘OK. No more questions then.’

  Maureen started on her way to the kitchen. ‘I’m really thirsty, though. I’ll make us both orange squash. If you don’t want it, I expect I’ll be thirsty enough to drink the both of them.’

  Busying herself in the kitchen, she made two orange squashes and carried them back into
the other room. ‘Here we are.’

  There was no sign of Alice.

  Worried, Maureen put the drinks down; and searched around, but Alice was nowhere to be seen. There was just Harriet in the cot, happily kicking her legs and gurgling.

  Maureen ran to the window and looked out. She called her name, but there was no sight or sound of Alice.

  She ran into the hallway. ‘Alice, are you upstairs?’

  No answer.

  She ran up the stairs two at a time, and found Alice in her bed.

  ‘Why didn’t you answer me?’ Maureen tried not to sound harsh. ‘You had me really worried. Did you not hear me calling?’

  ‘You told me to go back to bed,’ Alice answered casually.

  ‘No, Alice! I didn’t actually say you had to go back to bed. I just suggested it, because I thought you might still be tired.’

  ‘I am.’

  ‘All right. I’ll leave you for a while. Is there anything you want?’

  ‘No, thank you.’

  After settling Alice between the bedclothes, Maureen returned to keep an eye on Harriet. She also drank the two orange squashes – waste not, want not – then carried the empty glass and beaker into the kitchen, all the time wondering what was wrong with Alice. Buster was now asleep under the table.

  Returning to check on Harriet again, she heard movement from upstairs. Going into the hallway she called out, ‘Alice, are you all right?’

  ‘Yes, thank you.’

  ‘You will shout me if you need anything, won’t you?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Just try and get some more sleep. I’ll let you know as soon as your parents get back. OK?’

  ‘Yes, OK.’

  Maureen wandered back to talk to Harriet. ‘Hmm! So, Alice knows about the boy, eh?’ She tickled the child under the chin. ‘You don’t know yet, though … you’re too young to know what’s going on, anyway.’

  She thought about Alice. ‘I’m glad her mum told her they might foster a little boy, because it’s not fair when your parents keep secrets and you only find out about them after something happens,’ she told Harriet.

  She wondered how Alice really felt about having a brother. ‘I think it would be nice for you and Alice if they fostered a boy, because brothers look after you. And they don’t steal your make-up and clothes like my sister Jan does.’ She rolled her eyes. ‘She is such a nuisance. I have to hide everything from her!’

  Glancing into the cot, she noticed that Harriet was now asleep. ‘Oh, I see, don’t want to talk to me, eh? You’ve got your belly full and a nice clean nappy on, so now it’s snooze-time, is it?’

  Smiling, she went and rummaged in the kitchen drawer, looking for magazines. She found just the one. Bursting with fashion items and kinds of make-up, it was just what she needed.

  Curling up in the front room with the magazine stretched out on the arm of the chair, she was soon lost in the many, colourful pages.

  Upstairs, Alice sat at the window, silently crying. With her nose pressed against the windowpane she looked up and down the street, watching for the car to bring home her parents. ‘Why do you need a boy when you’ve got me and Harriet?’ she whispered.

  She went back to lie on the bed. She lay there for what seemed an age, her sorry gaze fixed on the precious rag dolly that her daddy won for her at a fair two years ago.

  Taking the doll into her embrace, she cuddled and kissed it. ‘We don’t need a boy, do we? We just need Mummy and Daddy, and me and Harriet.’

  For a while, she hugged the doll tight and softly cried, her tears dampening the doll’s raggedy face. She then returned to the bed, where she sat thinking. She was angry, and for the first time in her short life, she felt incredibly lonely.

  After a time, loneliness became rejection, and her anger turned to rage. Throwing the doll across the room, she got from the bed and ran across to the window again. ‘Don’t bring him home. We don’t want him here,’ she muttered angrily.

  A moment later, she collected the rag doll from the carpet and hugged it to her chest. ‘We’re all right, aren’t we, Dolly? Just you and me and Harriet.’

  Very gently at first, she painstakingly untied the two bows that tied the doll’s plaits. That done, she undid the two thick plaits and, one at a time, she calmly and systematically tore out each hair from the scalp, until there was not a hair left on the doll’s head.

  That done, she bunched the hair up tight, screwed it round and round until her hands were red-sore, then she dropped the ravished hair into the waste basket.

  She hid the waste basket behind her desk and went downstairs. She found Maureen in the front room, intently reading Mummy’s magazine. ‘I’m hungry now, Maureen,’ she said. ‘Can I please have something to eat?’

  A few minutes later she was enjoying the beans on toast that Maureen had made for her, then the two of them sat on the sofa, looking through the magazine together, and choosing the things they would buy if they had the money.

  Once or twice, Alice looked towards the hallway door and secretly smiled.

  ‘Maureen?’

  ‘Yes?’ Maureen looked up from the pages.

  ‘Can we play match the cards?’

  ‘Yeah, course we can, but no cheating like you did last time, you little monster!’

  ‘I won’t cheat … honestly,’ Alice promised.

  But she would if she had to.

  Adam was nervous.

  Having been told to wait in the library, he heard Mrs Baker’s excited voice calling out, ‘They’re here, Miss Martin!’ She had seen the car drawing up outside and recognised the driver as Mr Dexter.

  ‘Hurry! Go and greet them, quickly!’ Miss Martin tried to suppress her excitement.

  While Mrs Baker went one way, Miss Martin went the other, her thick-heeled shoes echoing on the wood-block floor as she hurried to get Adam.

  ‘Quickly, Adam. They’re here.’

  With great speed, she ushered Adam along the corridor and into her office. ‘Don’t be nervous,’ she told him, fiddling with the neck of his clean white shirt. ‘They’re just ordinary people, like you and me.’

  Adam tried his hardest not to be nervous, but he was excited at the same time. He did as he was told and sat in the straight-backed chair by her desk. ‘When they come in, remember to stand up, Adam. Remember to greet them politely.’

  Preparing herself for the Dexters, she stood smartly behind her desk; she fussed wth her hair and constantly wiped imaginary fluff from the skirt of her dress.

  In truth, she was every bit as nervous as Adam. She so wanted him to be with a good family, and from what she had learned about them, she was satisfied that the Dexters were fine, God-fearing people, with room in their hearts to take in a troubled boy like Adam.

  As they walked down the long corridor to Miss Martin’s office, Liz and Jim Dexter were somewhat apprehensive.

  Although they had discussed the boy with the authorities, and they had met and discussed the matter in great depth with Miss Martin, this introduction to Adam himself was all-important. Everything was resting on it. If Adam was nervous, they were even more so.

  As they walked in the door, Adam nervously appraised them. He saw two well-dressed, smiling people. Thinking how much younger they were than he’d expected, he was made easier by the friendly manner in which they greeted him.

  Adam took an instant liking to them but, for some inexplicable reason, he was especially drawn to the woman. She had the same soft smile as his darling mother, though there the similarity ended, because where his mother was short and small of bone, this woman was taller and more broad-shouldered. Also, her hair was straight and brown, unlike his mother’s wild, curly hair.

  Even so, Adam thought she had that same air of graciousness, and when she smiled, it made him feel accepted. He began to relax.

  Mr Dexter seemed like a friendly man, who made Adam think he might be a good dad, and friend; something his own father had never been.

  Miss Martin introduce
d them to each other. ‘This is Adam,’ she announced proudly. ‘You’ve already been made aware of his story and background, and our intention to place him with a good family. This meeting is for you to get to know each other, and for me to answer any questions or concerns that might arise on either side. Before we go any further, I wonder if you might want to be left alone with Adam in order for the three of you to get to know each other better, without myself or Mrs Baker here.’

  She looked from one to the other, speaking to the Dexters first. ‘Would that help you in any way?’

  They thought it would, and Jim Dexter said so.

  Liz, however, could see how nervous Adam seemed, constantly fidgeting, and dropping his gaze to the carpet. ‘But how does Adam feel about being left alone with us just now?’

  From the first moment when she and Jim walked into the room, her gaze was drawn to Adam, this solitary and frightened boy, who needed a family to love him. Right there and then he had touched her heart and banished any doubts she had.

  ‘Well, Adam?’ Miss Martin asked. ‘Would you like to spend a few minutes getting to know Mr and Mrs Dexter. I’m sure you must have questions that only they can answer.’

  Adam took a moment to turn the idea over in his mind. He was nervous and afraid they might not like him. And that would be a shame because he so wanted to be part of a family, and they seemed like kind and decent people.

  ‘Well, Adam? There’s nothing to worry about. I won’t be far away, and it’s only for a few minutes, ten at the most.’

  It was the encouraging smile and slight nod of the head from Liz Dexter, that prompted Adam. ‘Yes, please, Miss Martin. I would like that.’

  ‘Excellent!’

  Both Miss Martin and her treasured assistant departed the office and left them alone. ‘Ten minutes,’ Miss Martin reminded them. ‘Then I’ll be back to see how you got on together.’

  When the door closed behind her, Jim was the first to speak. ‘Adam, for what it’s worth – and you don’t have to do it if you don’t want – but I think it might be best if we don’t just ask each other questions. Instead, what if Liz and I tell you all about who we are, what we do, and why we thought you might be the one to come home and live with us, as a son? After that – and only if you want to – you can tell us about yourself. Tell us whatever you feel we need to know. After that, we can ask each other questions. So, Adam, is that all right with you?’