Black Tears

by Woods, Karen

“It’s alright at the moment, but when I saw Jade leaving I know the feeling she is experiencing knowing she was gonna get a fix. The first few days are gonna be the worst. I’m just glad I’ve got my methadone and I don’t have to go cold turkey, because I’ve heard how bad that is. One of my mates went through it and he fuckin shit his pants. He said he just shook on the floor and felt like the walls were closing in on him. The doctors only gave him painkillers to get over it as well. Fuck that for a laugh, if I was going cold turkey I would want loads of medication to get me through it. Imagine all that sick and that. I couldn’t do it like that.” Francesca looked at him and her heart went out to him for trying to change his life but she knew that Jade was going to be a big problem for him. How would he cope when she was there tempting him all the time. Francesca thought of a suggestion and hoped Tom would like it.

  “Tom, I’m not being funny or owt but don’t you think it’s best if Jade scores while she’s out and doesn’t bring any drugs back to the flat because you don’t need all the temptation there especially while you’re trying to get to grips with everything do you?” Tom agreed and they hatched a plan to tell Jade the new rules. It was going to be hard when he told her but Francesca knew it would be another nail in Jade’s coffin and help get rid of her in the future.

  They both sat in McDonalds to pass the time before the visit and ordered two Big Mac meals. Francesca sat down as Tom went to fetch their food. Francesca sat near the windows and watched the traffic flying by as she waited. Through the window, she could see the big tower that was Strangeways and her heart churned at the thought of facing Gordon. Francesca looked at her jeans and tried to wipe the marks off them that were from the night before. Tom returned and sat right next to her and placed the food on the table.

  “Come on fatty get this lot down your neck. Our little baby in there must be starving.” Tom now placed his hand on the small of her stomach and started to ask questions about the pregnancy.

  “Do ya want a boy or a girl? I suppose it doesn’t really matter does it as long as it’s healthy.” Francesca laughed as he carried on and asked her about the birth.

  “I would shit myself if I was a woman. Imagine 10 pounds worth of baby coming from ya minge. I’m nearly crying when I’m constipated so I know if I was a woman I would be shitting myself if I got pregnant.” Tom noticed Francesca face change and he could see he had scared the shit out of her, so he quickly tried to back pedal and make things better.

  “I’m sorry for scaring you but I’m only joking, you know what I’m like - I get carried away some times. It can’t be that bad because women have kids all the time and plus you get something if ya need pain relief.” Francesca smiled at him but secretly she had been worried herself. The thought of Gordon being in prison and her having to go through labour on her own terrified her and she knew she would need someone with her when the time come. Francesca had nobody in her life that gave a fuck about her anymore and the closest thing she had as a friend was Tom, so she wasted no time and asked him the question while they were on the subject.

  “Can I ask you something Tom? You can say ‘no’ if you want and I would understand.” Tom looked at her as he bit into his burger and urged her to continue with a gob full of food.

  “When the time comes for me to have this baby Gordon will still be in prison won’t he?” Tom nodded his head and listened to her like she was a lieutenant giving instructions to her troops.

  “Would you consider being my birthing partner when the time comes to have the baby?” Tom nearly choked as she spoke and his face went white with fear. She could see that perhaps she had asked too much of him and started to say that it didn’t matter. Tom stopped her dead in her tracks and told her he was honoured that she’d asked him. He told her that he didn’t know if he would be any good, but he said he would do his best. Francesca turned and hugged him as he tried to shove the rest of the burger into his mouth.

  “Oh Tom thanks so much. I’ve been so worried about it all. At least I can sleep now knowing I won’t be on my own when the time comes.” Francesca started to eat her burger and thought she would have a little fun with Tom regarding the birth.

  “Ay, I hope you’re not just coming in just so ya can see my fanny.” Tom burst into fits of laughter and held his stomach as Francesca continued to wind him up. “If I see ya getting aroused when I’m giving birth, you can get right out. You will have to sit at the top of the bed with me and keep your eyes away from my motty. Do you think they make knickers that have a big hole in for the baby to come out so you can’t have a snidey look of my muff?”

  Tom loved the way she made him laugh, and the feelings she gave him inside scared him because he knew he was slowly falling in love with his brother’s girlfriend. He told Francesca he didn’t want to tell Jade yet about the birth plans, because he knew she would hit the roof, so for now it was his and Francesca’s little secret.

  The time came for them to set off for the visit and as they walked outside the heavens opened. Neither of them had brought an umbrella and they knew they were going to get soaked before they even got there. Tom didn’t have to think twice and before she knew it he had taken his coat off and held it over their heads. Francesca linked his arm and they started to walk at a fast pace towards the prison. By the time they got there Tom’s jeans were piss wet through and so were Francesca’s. Tom’s t shirt was drenched at the bottom and he squeezed it together at the ends to try and dry it.

  As soon as they reached the visitors centre, they could see everyone else was wringing wet as well. All the women’s hair that they had obviously been styling all morning had gone as flat as a pancake and the mascara around their eyes had run down their faces. Everyone looked miserable as Tom went to the main desk. Francesca sat at a table with a young woman and a small child. When she started talking to her she realised she had came all the way from Liverpool to visit her partner and had been sat waiting for over an hour due to her being early for the visit. Tom came to join them and they all chatted. Tom noticed the small boy in the push chair and could tell he was frustrated at the wait before the visit. Tom pulled at the small child’s feet making him laugh out loud. He continued to play hide and seek with the small child and really helped the mother have a short break.

  The warden stood up and shouted all the names for a visit. Both Francesca and Tom helped the woman with the child and Tom carried him inside the main prison as she carried his bottle and his nappies. As Tom walked ahead, the lady told Francesca that Tom would be a fabulous father once her child was born but instead of telling her the truth, Francesca went along with the story and carried on letting her think Tom was the father.

  It seemed ages before they went through all the security checks in the prison and when they finally reached the visiting area everyone was relieved. Francesca took a deep breath and tried to stop herself from shaking but the nerves got the better of her and she felt sick. Tom was the first to spot Gordon and made his way to his table while Francesca got some brews and chocolate. The visitors scattered to their loved ones and several other people followed her to the queue. Francesca ordered the refreshments and could feel Gordon’s eyes staring into the back of her head even though he was quite some distance away. As she picked up the brews, her hands shook uncontrollably and she found it hard not to spill the drinks as she walked to the table. Francesca placed the drinks on the table and sat down while Gordon’s eyes never left her face. When she was seated Gordon spoke his first words to her and the sound of his voice sent shivers down her spine.

  “How’s my little darling. Hope you have been behaving?”

  Francesca smiled and picked up her brew but remained silent. Tom continued talking to his brother and told him about local news. Gordon was agitated with Tom and you could tell he wanted him to fuck off so he could speak to Francesca, but he persevered with his chatter for now, but maintained eye contact with Francesca.

  Tom knew his presence was unwelcome and after about half an hour, he told Gordon he wou
ld leave them alone to chat for the rest of the visit. He shook his brother’s hand as he stood and rubbed his hair playfully as he left. Gordon waited until he was near the exit and he began his interrogation on Francesca.

  “Hope you’re behaving young lady. I don’t wanna be hearing all stories about you when I get out.” Francesca looked at him and hate seeped through her veins knowing he was still the tosser he had been before he was locked up. Gordon saw the cockiness in her eyes and pulled her face towards him across the table. He quickly scanned the area for the screws and knew his actions would go unnoticed.

  “You know I don’t want this baby don’t you? But it’s here now so it’s just something I’ll have to get use to won’t it? I’ve thought about being a dad, and I’m kind of warming to the idea now, but there’s one thing that’s bothering me.” Francesca tried to free her face from his grip, but he squeezed his hands deep into her face and continued to speak as he looked directly into her eyes.

  “If I ever find out you have cheated on me while I’m in here, I’ll fuckin kill you. The thought of you with another man makes my blood boil and I tell you now, if you’re unfaithful to me I’ll do life for ya. I will slice your face like pieces of bread and no one will ever look at you again if you’re unfaithful. Do you hear me?”

  Francesca looked into his eyes as they danced with madness as he waited for her reply. Francesca struggled for breath as she tried to speak. She knew he had a bad temper but this kind of behaviour was new to her. She felt fear like she’d never felt before. She tried to make him see sense and told him she would never cheat on him, but his face told her he didn’t believe her. Gordon carried on speaking and his words seemed strange and completely out of character. Each word he spoke seemed to last forever.

  “Remember sweetheart if it has a beginning, it must have an ending, so think on before you start anything. Are you listening?” Francesca pulled her face away from him and got quite sick of his attitude towards her and let him know exactly how she felt.

  “Listen prick, I’m here aren’t I, so get a grip and sort ya neck out. If you carry on treating me like a nobhead you can get someone else to come and visit you because I don’t have to put up with this shit especially in my condition.” Gordon looked shocked at her courage, but knew she was right and slowly started to back pedal.

  “Listen cocky arse, what have I told you about the way you speak to me. Don’t think because I’m in here you can talk to me like shit, because I’ll be over this table like shit off a shovel and sort you right out. Do you understand me?” Francesca sat back in her chair and raised her eyes to the ceiling like a small child being shouted out. She now looked round the room at the other inmates and watched as they cherished the moments they had to spend with their loved ones. Gordon knew at this moment he had over reacted and started to make the most of the rest of the visit and tried to get Francesca back on his side. He stretched his hands across the table and beckoned Francesca to take hold of them before he spoke.

  “I know you love me Francesca, but while I’m in here you have to understand my heads up my arse. When I’m out of this shit hole, we can be a family and everything will be fine. I just need reassuring that you won’t fuck about on me.” Francesca held his hands and found herself stroking them softly. The thought of them being a family in time fulfilled her every dream, and she listened to his every word believing everything he said. The visit was nearing an end and Francesca felt a little happier inside. She looked at Gordon’s face and took in every line on his face and remembered why she had fallen head over heels in love with him. Gordon told her he was hoping to earn a few quid while he was in the nick and told her of the new inmates he had already met. Five years seemed forever before they would be together again, and the thought of him being inside while his child was born tearing her apart. He also had another charge hanging round his neck regarding ABH charges of the Group 4 staff he’d assaulted when he got sentenced, He just hoped they didn’t bung more time on him when he finally appeared in court. At least Tom would be there for her Francesca thought. She just hoped he had sorted himself out by then and got off the heroin.

  The screw walked slowly up to Gordon and tapped him on the shoulder and told him to end his visit. Gordon’s eyes saddened, as did the rest of the inmates. This was the worst time for any prisoner on a visit. They had to watch their loved ones walk away - it was heart wrenching, but all the men put on a brave face and tried to control any emotions they felt. Gordon finally stood up from the table and walked to Francesca’s side.

  “Come on then, give us a kiss.” Francesca smiled and wrapped her arms round the firm shoulders of the man she loved. As he kissed her he bit her bottom lip softly and reminded her about being true to him while he was in there. Francesca carried on kissing him and as he placed his hand on her stomach, her heartbeat quickened. This was the first time he had shown any love towards their unborn child and her eyes filled with tears as he gripped her closer and whispered sweet nothings into her ears.

  Francesca left his side and walked with the other visitors towards the exit. Everyone must have felt the same because hardly anyone was speaking and their heads were low. One woman couldn’t hold her tears back and cried her eyes out as they all left the visiting room. The man who was with her put his hands round her shoulders and tried to console her, but this seemed to have no effect. The journey of leaving the prison now started and this really did Francesca’s head in. She hated that they were treated like shit and felt like she had committed a crime along with the inmates. As they entered the final door Francesca could see Tom’s smiling face waiting for her on the other side. The screws said goodbye as the visitors left and not one of them replied to them.

  Tom looked bored to death as she met him and he told her about other visitors he had spoken to whilst waiting for her. There was one woman still waiting to go on a visit and Francesca noticed her smiling at Tom. Tom smiled as Francesca asked who she was and he began to tell her about the woman sat opposite.

  “Fucking hell Francesca, what a place to get a woman! They are like flies round shit I tell you. That woman sat there has given me her phone number. Her fella is doing a ten stretch and she made it quite clear she wanted a shag from me.” Francesca nudged him in the side and told him he was lying but he searched in his pocket and found the small piece of paper on which she had written her number. He now forced the paper into Francesca face as they left the prison.

  “There you go then, if ya don’t believe me take a look at that.” Tom passed the paper to her and Francesca looked at it briefly before she screwed it up and threw it on the floor.

  “Fuckin slapper isn’t she? Her mans in nick and she’s giving her phone number out. The dirty cow.” Tom laughed and enjoyed his moment thinking he was jack the lad as they walked on.

  “Fucking fanny magnet, aren’t I? The women all want a bit of my loving, can’t blame them though can you? Just look at me I’ve got the body of a love god.” Francesca ignored him as they walked away from the prison, but inside she felt the green-eyed monster take over her. Tom was still on a high as they continued and Francesca tested the water to see what he would say.

  “Ay fuckin lover boy, what would you have done if I hadn’t thrown that slapper’s number away. Would you have phoned her?” Tom sort of bounced now as he walked and he started to wave his hands as he spoke.

  “Why you asking me that? Do I detect a bit of jealousy.” Francesca told him to get a grip and started to laugh and told him she was fed up, not fucking hard up and they both laughed as they made their way home but still he gave no answer to the question, much to Francesca’s disappointment.

  The walk home took about half an hour and the cold weather made them walk with their heads dipped. Tom saw that Francesca was feeling the cold and told her to link his arm as they walked up the hill. Anybody who looked at them would have thought they were a couple and surprisingly they were quite well suited. Tom told Francesca he was now struggling with his drug habit and felt th
e need for a fix. His methadone was in the house and he felt like running all the way home just to stop shaking. Francesca squeezed him tight and told him they would be home soon but she could tell he was sweating and knew she would have to let him run on in front her.

  Once he was gone, she could see him sprinting up Rochdale Road toward the flat. She hated seeing him like that and couldn’t wait for the day he was drug free. Her thoughts should have been about Gordon and their visit but she couldn’t stop thinking about Tom and the way he was making her feel at the moment.

  Tom pushed his key into the front door and ran to the methadone in the front room. As he entered he saw Jade sat on the chair just about to inject with heroin. His eyes focused on the needle and she knew this was her chance to get him back on gear, and more importantly back in her grip.

  “Are ya having some of this or what?”

  Tom shook with indecision and no matter how much he wanted to say no he just couldn’t help wanting to feel the rush the drug gave him one last time. Before he knew it Jade had passed him the leather belt and he had it tightened round his arm ready for her to pass him the needle. Tom rocked as he waited and watched as Jade sunk back into the chair enjoying the rush the drug had given her. Tom couldn’t wait any longer and pulled the needle from Jade’s arm and sunk it into his veins needing the drug more than ever. Within minutes, he was on his back as the drug journeyed through his veins, making him look like he had downed two bottles of whisky. The drug had won yet again and Tom was now back to square one. Jade lay next to Tom and watched as he fell onto the chair knowing he was back into the dark world of drugs once more and more than anything he would need her just like before.

  Francesca climbed the stairs to the flat, as the lift was broken yet again. Her mood was more than pissed off as she climbed the final flight. Reaching the top her breath was short and she felt quite light headed. As she entered the landing she noticed the flat door was left open and thought how nice Tom had been thinking of her. Pushing the door open, she felt the heat from the flat and couldn’t wait to sit down and rest her tired legs. The flat was in complete silence and she thought it quite strange that Tom hadn’t turned the television on. Walking into the front room she nearly collapsed at the sight in front of her. Tom was now laid on the floor with Jade was by his side and she didn’t need to be a scientist to realise that they both had just had a hit. Francesca felt her blood boil and she wanted to jump on Jade for giving Tom drugs but she knew he was just as much to blame as her.