Perfectly Reflected

by S. C. Ransom

  “Look, whatever it is you two have fallen out over, you can’t let it ruin Eloïse’s party – that’s not fair,” Grace whispered. “After all, it’s not her fault.”

  “I know. I just don’t feel very party-ish…”

  “Don’t tell me you’d rather spend the evening on the Internet again!” Grace looked at me accusingly. “Callum’ll understand that you have a life, surely; you can’t be online all the time.”

  Once again, I really wished I could tell Grace the truth about Callum. She was always asking awkward questions about how we’d first got in touch, and why he didn’t have a Facebook page, and did he have any plans to come over from Venezuela? I was really regretting giving her that particular detail. Sooner or later she was going to stop buying the Internet story anyway, even though I’d finally given her a picture, which seemed to have satisfied her curiosity about what he looked like.

  I sighed audibly. “I know, he does understand really, he’s delighted when I go out. But it’s not about him, it’s all the other stuff.”

  “Well, the best way to deal with Abbi is to ignore her. She’ll come round eventually, you know she will.”

  “OK, you win. I’d love a lift, thanks, but are you sure I won’t be in the way? I don’t want to play gooseberry with you and Jack.”

  “Oh, don’t worry, he’s not coming with us. His mum’s dragging him to some sort of work party first, poor boy.”

  Grace smiled contentedly, thinking of Jack. He was a great friend of mine and I was delighted that the two of them were getting on so well. Grace’s recent hospital scare had made him even more attentive so he was always keen to make the extra effort to see her.

  “OK, you had better give me my orders then. What time will you pick me up and what should I be wearing?” I said, resigned to being organised by her as usual.

  “Well.” She looked me up and down, pursing her lips. “I know you’ve got Callum so you won’t want to attract too many other blokes this evening. But … on the other hand he won’t be there, and you don’t want Rob to think that you are going to pieces, so I think we’re going to go with the full-on beautiful babe look.”

  “Rob’ll be there? Really? Right, that’s it, I’m definitely not going.” I had been doing my best to avoid Rob, my ex-almost-boyfriend. As far as I could tell he was still being insufferably smug about the whole Kew Gardens affair, dropping hints and letting everyone know that he had saved the day. I knew that he had been responsible for some unsubtle comments at the time, and although I didn’t think he was still making the accusation, he was failing to squash the rumours that it had been a suicide attempt on my part. He had even tried to give the impression that I was upset over him and the fact that we were no longer going out together. I wasn’t sure that I would be able to resist giving him a piece of my mind if I saw him.

  “Oh come on, you can’t let him get away with all that rubbish. And what better way of sticking it to him than turning up looking gorgeous and completely unavailable?”

  I turned that thought over, and it did have a certain appeal. “All right, you’re on. What are my wardrobe instructions?”

  Grace sat up, suddenly excited. “Can I really choose everything? Excellent! Now, let me think…”

  My heart sank as I realised she was really going to go for it, but I had to let her have her fun. After all, I had been responsible for her recent near-death experience. Every time I thought about it my blood ran cold, and that made me feel even meaner for deceiving her. I hated keeping secrets from her but I couldn’t see a sensible way out of the problem; she was never going to believe me if I told her the truth about how Callum’s sister had tried to kill us both before successfully killing herself. That was the only good thing about it; Catherine was gone from my life and Callum’s, and neither of us was going to miss her.

  In the end, Grace decided to come to my house to make sure that I did things properly. Mum had organised for someone to fix the window, so I had daylight again, and the room had been left unnaturally tidy after all the vacuuming to clear up the glass. My old hair straighteners had been unearthed, and Grace leapt on them with enthusiasm, spending nearly an hour trying to get out the little kinks in my almost-straight hair before insisting on supervising my make-up. When I finally got to look in the mirror I nearly didn’t recognise myself. My long tangle of blonde hair had been tamed into sleek lines, and the outfit she had put together from the dregs in my wardrobe made me look tall and elegant.

  Grace stood back to review her work, smirking gently as I gaped at my reflection. “Rob is going to be sooo cross with himself tonight. You look stunning.”

  I nodded mutely and the stranger in the mirror mimicked my movements.

  “Now,” she continued, suddenly businesslike, “we need to go in about ten minutes and I don’t seem to be ready yet. Give me two minutes to use your bathroom and then I’ll just touch up my make-up. Don’t fiddle with anything!”

  As she said it my hand, which had been twitching up towards my hair, dropped back down to my side. “OK, I promise,” I said meekly.

  “Good. I’ll be back in a sec. Just sit still.” The door swung shut behind her and I heard her fighting with the temperamental bathroom lock.

  I turned back to look in the mirror. I knew that Callum would have been watching, so I waited for the tingle in my arm. Within seconds he was at my side, his unruly dark-blond hair looking even more appealing than usual next to my carefully coiffed look. “I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I don’t have long; she’ll be back in a second.”

  “I know, but I just wanted to say goodnight before you went off to the party, as I’m not sure I’ll be able to be here when you get back.”

  I pouted at him. “I’d much rather be spending the evening here with you, you do know that, don’t you?”

  He gave me one of his most devastating smiles. “I know, but you can’t stay in for ever. You have to go out with your friends sometimes.”

  “I’m just not looking forward to it very much. I don’t want to spend the evening gossiping with the girls, and watching the boys try their luck before seeing who can drink the most without being sick. I want to be with you, and we’ve had so little time over the last few days. There’s loads of stuff I wanted to talk to you about.” I still hadn’t found the right moment to tell him about the note and Ashley’s unprovoked attack.

  A strange look crossed his face. “You do look spectacularly gorgeous tonight.” His free hand, the one not lined up with my amulet, reached up to stroke my hair, then hesitated. “I almost don’t dare touch you, I’m frightened of messing things up.”

  “Don’t worry about that,” I objected. “It’s not for anyone’s benefit.”

  “I wish it were for mine,” he said in a voice so quiet I almost didn’t hear it.

  I could practically feel my heart twisting. “It is for you, always. You know that.”

  This time the smile was rueful. “You know how much I wish that were possible. But you do have a life, and I don’t want to get in the way.”

  “You’ll never be in the way!” I reached up and tried to stroke his face, feeling as usual just the merest hint of resistance in the air. He looked glum. “Was the gathering not so good today?”

  “No, it was fine, really. I … I just…” he hesitated and looked away.

  “Callum, what is it? Tell me quickly before Grace comes back or I’ll be worrying all night.”

  “You look different, so … sophisticated. And stunning, of course. You just don’t look much like my Alex. And this is how it should be, you getting ready with your mates to go out partying. This is what you deserve.” He finally looked into my eyes and I could see the sorrow there.

  “Don’t you dare think like that!” I flashed back at him as loudly as I could. “I really don’t care what the others think, and all of this is just nonsense.” I gestured towards the clothes and my fancy hair. “It’s you, Callum, only you.” My voice softened. “I wouldn’t swap any of them for you. I love
you.”

  He seemed to relax a little. “I know you do, truly. I guess I’m just a little … well, jealous, I suppose.”

  “Well, why don’t you come? You could get to meet – or at least see – a few of my friends, even if they don’t get to meet you. Then you can be absolutely sure that you have no competition whatsoever.”

  He gave the smallest of smiles. “Thanks for the offer, but I’m not sure that would be a good idea. I’ve never minded being just an observer before, watching concerts or people at parties, but it’s much harder when you know some of the real participants, now I know you and your friends. It makes me even more aware of what I’m missing, and it gets a bit … difficult.”

  It was my turn to look glum. “I’m so sorry. I wish things were different.” I heard the lock turn on the bathroom door. “Quick, Grace is coming back. Can I see you in St Paul’s tomorrow? I can probably find an excuse to be getting out on a Saturday.”

  “I’d love that. I’ll see you in the morning, then. Have a good night.” His hand moved to touch my hair but fell away before he reached it. The rueful smile was back.

  “I love you, Callum.”

  The smile finally reached his eyes. “I love you too. See you.” His face disappeared as the bedroom door opened and Grace walked in.

  “Hmm, you’ve not ruined anything, well done. I thought you’d have started rearranging everything the minute I turned my back.”

  I turned quickly so that she couldn’t see the tears. However much I loved Callum this life was hugely difficult, and I could see no way to make it any easier. I took a deep breath to steady myself. There was no point in getting emotional, especially not now.

  “Right, let’s go before I smudge my mascara or something.” I handed Grace her bag, scooped mine from the floor and switched off the light, glancing in the mirror as I did so. For a second I thought I saw him there, watching, but when I looked closer he was gone.

  Eloïse’s seventeenth birthday party was being held in a hall near her home, as too many people had been invited to make it either comfortable or sensible to have it in the house. This way she could relax too. There were a small number of adults lurking unobtrusively early on, but they soon disappeared behind the bar to keep some control over the potent mixture of teenagers and alcohol. One of the school bands was playing, and we spent a lot of the evening dancing wildly in front of the stage, encouraging them as much as possible, and trying to ignore the terrible acoustics in the institutional-looking room. Eloïse had done what she could to liven it up with balloons and streamers, and it did look much less like an old village hall than usual.

  I had done my best to ignore Rob, who was leaning nonchalantly on the end of the bar. Grace had made sure he’d seen me as soon as we walked in, and I could feel his eyes following me around the room. His girlfriend Ashley was conspicuous by her absence.

  “Where’s Ashley?” I whispered to Grace fairly early on, when it became apparent that Rob wasn’t waiting for her.

  “Ah, well, funny you should ask… I was just in the loo with Mia and she told me that Ashley and Rob have had a bit of a row.”

  “Really? What about?”

  “Well, it seems that Ashley still thinks Rob’s got a thing about you, and she’s given him an ultimatum.” Grace dropped her voice and looked around. “She told him that she didn’t want him hanging around at parties where you’d be and refused to come, assuming he’d stay at home with her. Of course, he just came anyway.”

  “Well, how dim can you get? Did she really think he’d let her boss him around like that?”

  “I know, you think she’d have picked up something from all the problem pages she’s read over the years. But actually, it looks like she was right about one thing: he can’t take his eyes off you.”

  “Huh, well, he can look all he likes; I’m not going to fall for any of his drivel again,” I snorted, trying not to look in Rob’s direction. I could see that he was watching us both over the rim of his glass, so I turned my back in what I hoped was a subtle manoeuvre.

  Grace smiled at me; I was obviously not being quite as casual as I’d thought. But at least I could no longer see Rob; I didn’t want him ruining my evening.

  Abbi was there, keeping her distance, but didn’t seem quite as wound up as she had been earlier. I took Grace’s advice and left her alone, hoping that in time she’d come round. About halfway through the evening Jack turned up, and Grace became welded to his side.

  It made me smile to watch the pair of them. They were very well suited and I hoped that the relationship would last the summer. They were both pretty loyal, so I thought it was likely, especially as Grace ending up in hospital had obviously proved to Jack how much he cared about her, and they had become inseparable. I watched while the two of them danced together, so comfortable and at ease with each other. He was always looking out for her, checking that she had what she needed, if she wanted to dance or not, or needed air. I could happily watch them all night. I knew that if Callum were here, that is how he would have been behaving towards me. The idea made me smile, but as I watched I became aware of another, unfamiliar, feeling too. I was jealous; jealous of their ability to be together, to hold each other, to do the mundane things in life. I couldn’t do any of that with Callum, and there was no chance that I would be able to do them either, however long I waited.

  I was lost in my thoughts and realised too late that Rob was heading in my direction. I was standing at the side of the hall, and when he got to me he leaned towards me to talk, bracing himself against the wall with his arm above my shoulder. It was an odd stance, as if he were trying to box me in.

  I crossed my arms and glared at him, then raised my voice to be heard over the pounding music. “What do you want?” I asked in my best dismissive tone. We hadn’t actually spoken since he’d abandoned me in a restaurant. I wondered if he was going to mention that.

  “You,” he shouted back, looking me deliberately up and down. I quickly looked away before his eyes made it back to mine, which threw him rather. “So how are you? Fully recovered?” he continued quickly.

  I shrugged, and wondered briefly if I should ask him about the computer files. I really wanted to know what he was up to, but didn’t fancy explaining that it was Ashley who had told me; I bet he didn’t know she had been snooping on his computer. In the end I said nothing, and waited to see what he was going to do next.

  He was obviously keen to talk. “I’m glad to see you’re feeling better. You gave us all a bit of a scare.” He smiled his most melting smile, which just a short month ago would have made me weak at the knees, but I had become immune to his charms.

  “I’m feeling perfectly OK, thank you,” I replied icily. “The only thing that’s still upsetting me is the fact that someone – someone,” I emphasised, “is spreading a rumour that it was a suicide attempt.” I glared at him again. “Aside from being a complete lie, it’ll really upset my parents if they hear it.”

  “Really? Has someone being doing that?” He shook his head in mock disgust. “Some people just don’t think.”

  I had to admire his attempt to brazen the whole thing out. He was almost completely convincing. But I didn’t reply, just continued to glower at him. I wasn’t going to blink first. It took all my self-control not to smile when he finally dropped his gaze to the floor.

  “It must be tough for you, watching him, though, eh?” He nodded in Jack’s direction. When I had dumped Rob he had quickly made the assumption that I was carrying a torch for Jack, as he knew the two of us were friends, and Jack had just started seeing Grace. What Rob had never noticed, because he wasn’t really interested in anyone but himself, was that Jack and I were more like brother and sister, and fancying him was the last thing on my mind.

  I looked at him, trying to decide what value there was in putting him straight. In the end I gave him what I hoped was a disgusted look, then turned back to watch the dance floor again. Grace and Jack were giving their all to the current number one, o
blivious to everyone else around them, their yellow auras as bright and vibrant as the pulsing disco lights.

  Rob tried again, determined not to be put off, raising his voice as the music ramped up. “It’s good to see you, and looking so gorgeous too…”

  I looked up at him; the disco lights were flashing on his face now, giving him an eerie green look and dead-looking eyes. I couldn’t help thinking that it rather suited him. I leaned in towards him and shouted in his ear. “Where’s Ashley? Had enough of you already, has she?”

  “Ah, well, you know. I think she had other plans…” He was squirming a bit now, and I was enjoying myself.

  “Oh, really? I heard that she dumped you. Bit mean of her, don’t you think? I know you were so looking forward to your little Cornish holiday.” I stood up straight and put my hands on my hips, daring him to deny that he’d found a substitute for me on his little jaunt.

  “Actually, Ashley hasn’t dumped me, as you so poetically put it. But, well, you know, sometimes plans need to be a little … flexible. In fact, I was hoping to talk to you about that again.” His hand, which was still bracing his weight against the wall as he leaned in, slid a little further down so that his arm was resting on my shoulder.

  I couldn’t believe it. After all that had happened, he was trying to chat me up again! I really didn’t have the stomach for all that. “Rob, don’t flatter yourself. You know perfectly well that I refused you before, and I’m not about to change my mind now!”

  “Alex, I think you’re still a bit confused. Maybe when you came round from the coma you forgot a few things. But I’ve not forgotten how much we fancy each other. How about letting me give you a refresher course?” He ran the fingers of his free hand through his beautifully cut blond hair, giving me the full benefit of his smouldering eyes: eyes that flashed with confidence.

  I quickly stepped to one side as he tried to lean in towards me and he fell slightly forwards, a look of surprise on his face. “What do you think you’re playing at?” I raised my voice even further. “I told you before, I have no intention of going out with you. Not now, not ever. Understand? I’m amazed that Ashley hasn’t seen through you yet. It can only be a matter of time.” Luckily the music was still loud, so although I was shouting at him, no one else seemed to have noticed.