Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court (Barnes & Noble Classics Series)

by Mark Twain

  Effect of the Pipe on the Freemen.

  Effect of the Pipe on Sandy.

  dead. The procession moved with a good deal of promptness. There were no casualties to report, for nobody had curiosity enough to remain behind to see what would happen.

  I lost some time, now, for these big children, their fears gone, became so ravished with wonder over my awe-compelling fireworks that I had to stay there and smoke a couple of pipes out before they would let me go. Still the delay was not wholly unproductive, for it took all that time to get Sandy thoroughly wonted to the new thing, she being so close to it, you know. It plugged up her conversation-mill, too, for a considerable while, and that was a gain. But above all other benefits accruing, I had learned something. I was ready for any giant or any ogre that might come along, now.

  We tarried with a holy hermit, that night, and my opportunity came about the middle of the next afternoon. We were crossing a vast meadow by way of short-cut, and I was musing absently, hearing nothing, seeing nothing, when Sandy suddenly interrupted a remark which she had begun that morning, with the cry—

  “Defend thee, lord!—peril of life is toward!” And she slipped down from the horse and ran a little way and stood. I looked up and saw, far off in the shade of a tree, half a dozen armed knights and their squires; and straightway there was bustle among them and tightening of saddle-girths for the mount. My pipe was ready and would have been lit, if I had not been lost in thinking about how to banish oppression from this land and restore to all its people their stolen rights and manhood without disobliging anybody. I lit up at once, and by the time I had got a good head of reserved steam on, here they came. All together, too; none of those chivalrous magnanimities which one reads so much about—one courtly rascal at a time, and the rest standing by to see fair play. No, they came in a body, they came with a whirr and a rush, they came like a volley from a battery; came with heads low down, plumes streaming out behind, lances advanced at a level. It was a handsome sight, a beautiful sight—for a man up a tree. I laid my lance in rest and waited, with my heart beating, till the iron wave was just ready to break over me, then spouted a column of white smoke through the bars of my helmet. You should have seen the wave go to pieces and scatter! This was a finer sight than the other one.

  But these people stopped, two or three hundred yards away, and this troubled me. My satisfaction collapsed, and fear came; I judged

  “Defend thee, Lord! Peril of life is toward!”

  “They came in a body, they came with a whirr.”

  I was a lost man. But Sandy was radiant; and was going to be eloquent, but I stopped her, and told her my magic had miscarried, somehow or other, and she must mount, with all dispatch, and we must ride for life. No, she wouldn’t. She said that my enchantment had disabled those knights; they were not riding on, because they couldn’t; wait, they would drop out of their saddles presently, and we would get their horses and harness. I could not deceive such trusting simplicity, so I said it was a mistake; that when my fireworks killed at all, they killed instantly; no, the men would not die, there was something wrong about my apparatus, I couldn’t tell what; but we must hurry and get away, for those people would attack us again, in a minute. Sandy laughed, and said—

  “Lack-a-day, sir, they be not of that breed! Sir Launcelot will give battle to dragons, and will abide by them, and will assail them again, and yet again, and still again, until he do conquer and destroy them; and so likewise will Sir Pellinore and Sir Aglovale and Sir Carados, and mayhap others, but there be none else that will venture it, let the idle say what the idle will. And, la, as to yonder base rufflers,cd think ye they have not their fill, but yet desire more?”

  “Well, then, what are they waiting, for? Why don’t they leave? Nobody’s hindering. Good land, I’m willing to let bygones be bygones, I’m sure.”

  “Leave, is it? Oh, give thyself easement as to that. They dream not of it, no, not they. They wait to yield them.”

  “Come—really, is that ‘sooth’—as you people say? If they want to, why don’t they?”

  “It would like them much; but an ye wotce how dragons are esteemed, ye would not hold them blamable. They fear to come.”

  “Well, then, suppose I go to them instead, and—”

  “Ah, wit ye well they would not abide your coming. I will go.”

  And she did. She was a handy person to have along on a raid. I would have considered this a doubtful errand, myself. I presently saw the knights riding away, and Sandy coming back. That was a relief. I judged she had somehow failed to get the first innings—I mean in the conversation; otherwise the interview wouldn’t have been so short. But it turned out that she had managed the business well; in fact admirably. She said that when she told those people I was The Boss, it hit them where they lived: “smote them sore with fear and dread” was her word; and then they were ready to put up with anything she might require. So she swore them to appear at Arthur’s court within two days and yield them, with horse and harness, and be my knights henceforth, and subject to my command. How much better she managed that thing than I should have done it myself! She was a daisy.

  CHAPTER XV.

  Sandy’s Tale.

  AND so I’m proprietor of some knights,” said I, as we rode off. ”Who would ever have supposed that I should live to list up assets of that sort. I shan’t know what to do with them; unless I raffle them off. How many of them are there, Sandy?” ”Seven, please you, sir, and their squires.” ”It is a good haul. Who are they? Where do they hang out?” ”Where do they hang out?” ”Yes, where do they live?” ”Ah, I understood thee not. That will I tell thee eftsoons.“cf Then she said musingly, and softly, turning the words daintily over her tongue: ”Hang they out—hang they out—where hang—where do they hang out; eh, right so; where do they hang out. Of a truth the phrase hath a fair and winsome grace, and is prettily worded withal. I will repeat it anon and anon in mine idlesse, whereby I may peradventurecg

  “Don’t forget the cow-boys,ch Sandy.”

  “Cow-boys?”

  “Yes; the knights, you know: You were going to tell me about them. A while back, you remember. Figuratively speaking, game’s called.”

  “Game—”

  “Yes, yes, yes! Go to the bat. I mean, get to work on your statistics, and don’t burn so much kindling getting your fire started. Tell me about the knights.”

  “I will well, and lightly will begin. So they two departed and rode into a great forest.ci And—”

  “Great Scott!”

  You see, I recognized my mistake at once. I had set her works agoing; it was my own fault; she would be thirty days getting down to those facts. And she generally began without a preface and finished without a result. If you interrupted her she would either go right along without noticing, or answer with a couple of words, and go back and say the sentence over again. So, interruptions only did harm; and yet I had to interrupt, and interrupt pretty frequently, too, in order to save my life; a person would die if he let her monotony drip on him right along all day.

  “Great Scott!” I said in my distress. She went right back and began over again:

  “So they two departed and rode into a great forest. And—”

  “Which two?”

  “Sir Gawaine and Sir Uwaine. And so they came to an abbey of monks, and there were well lodged. So on the morn they heard their masses in the abbey, and so they rode forth till they came to a great forest; then was Sir Gawaine ware in a valley by a turret, of twelve fair damsels, and two knights armed on great horses, and the damsels went to and fro by a tree. And then was Sir Gawaine ware how there

  Sir Gawaine and Sir Uwaine.

  hung a white shield on that tree, and ever as the damsels came by it they spit upon it, and some threw mire upon the shield—”

  “Now, if I hadn’t seen the like myself in this country, Sandy, I wouldn’t believe it. But I’ve seen it, and I can just see those creatures now, parading before that shield and acting like that. The wo
men here do certainly act like all possessed. Yes, and I mean your best, too, society’s very choicest brands. The humblest hello-girlcj along ten thousand miles of wire could teach gentleness, patience, modesty, manners, to the highest duchess in Arthur’s land.”

  “Hello-girl?”

  “Yes, but don’t you ask me to explain; it’s a new kind of girl; they don’t have them here; one often speaks sharply to them when they are not the least in fault, and he can’t get over feeling sorry for it and ashamed of himself in thirteen hundred years, it’s such shabby mean conduct and so unprovoked; the fact is, no gentleman ever does it—though I—well, I myself, if I’ve got to confess—”

  “Peradventure she—”

  “Never mind her; never mind her; I tell you I couldn’t ever explain her so you would understand.”

  “Even so be it, sithck ye are so minded. Then Sir Gawaine and Sir Uwaine went and saluted them, and asked them why they did that despite to the shield. Sirs, said the damsels, we shall tell you. There is a knight in this country that owneth this white shield, and he is a passing good man of his hands, but he hateth all ladies and gentlewomen, and therefore we do all this despite to the shield. I will say you, said Sir Gawaine, it beseemeth evil a good knight to despise all ladies and gentlewomen, and peradventure though he hate you he hath some cause, and peradventure he loveth in some other places ladies and gentlewomen, and to be loved again, and he such a man of prowess as ye speak of—”

  “Man of prowess—yes, that is the man to please them, Sandy. Man of brains—that is a thing they never think of. Tom Sayers—John Heenan—John L. Sullivancl—pity but you could be here. You would have your legs under the Round Table and a ‘Sir’ in front of your names within the twenty-four hours; and you could bring about a new distribution of the married princesses and duchesses of the Court in another twenty-four. The fact is, it is just a sort of polished-up court of Comanches, and there isn’t a squaw in it who doesn’t stand ready at the dropping of a hat to desert to the buck with the biggest string of scalps at his belt.”

  “—and he be such a man of prowess as ye speak of, said Sir Gawaine. Now what is his name? Sir, said they, his name is Marhaus the king’s son of Ireland.”

  “Son of the king of Ireland, you mean; the other form doesn’t mean anything. And look out and hold on tight, now, we must jump

  “Look out and hold on tight!”

  this gully.... There, we are all right now. This horse belongs in the circus; he is born before his time.”

  “I know him well, said Sir Uwaine, he is a passing good knight as any is on live.”

  “On live. If you’ve got a fault in the world, Sandy, it is that you are a shade too archaic. But it isn’t any matter.”

  “—for I saw him once proved at a justs where many knights were gathered, and that time there might no man withstand him. Ah, said Sir Gawaine, damsels, methinketh ye are to blame, for it is to suppose he that hung that shield there will not be long therefrom, and then may those knights match him on horseback, and that is more your worship than thus; for I will abide no longer to see a knight’s shield dishonored. And therewith Sir Uwaine and Sir Gawaine departed a little from them, and then were they ware where Sir Marhaus came riding on a great horse straight toward them. And when the twelve damsels saw Sir Marhaus they fled into the turret as they were wild, so that some of them fell by the way. Then the one of the knights of the tower dressed his shield, and said on high, Sir Marhaus defend thee. And so they ran together that the knight brake his spear on Marhaus, and Sir Marhaus smote him so hard that he brake his neck and the horse’s back—”

  “Well, that is just the trouble about this state of things, it ruins so many horses.”

  “That saw the other knight of the turret, and dressed him toward Marhaus, and they went so eagerly together, that the knight of the turret was soon smitten down, horse and man, stark dead—”

  “Another horse gone; I tell you it is a custom that ought to be broken up. I don’t see how people with any feeling can applaud and support it.”

  “So these two knights came together with great random—”

  I saw that I had been asleep and missed a chapter, but I didn’t say anything. I judged that the Irish knight was in trouble with the visitors by this time, and this turned out to be the case.

  “—that Sir Uwaine smote Sir Marhaus that his spear brast in pieces on the shield, and Sir Marhaus smote him so sore that horse and man he bare to the earth, and hurt Sir Uwaine on the left side—”

  “The truth is, Alisande, these archaics are a little too simple; the vocabulary is too limited, and so, by consequence, descriptions suffer in the matter of variety; they run too much to level Saharas of fact, and not enough to picturesque detail; this throws about them a certain air of the monotonous; in fact the fights are all alike: a couple of people come together with great random—random is a good word, and so is exegesis, for that matter, and so is holocaust, and defalcation, and usufruct and a hundred others, but land! a body ought to discriminate—they come together with great random, and a spear is brast, and one party brake his shield and the other one goes down, horse and man, over his horse-tail and brake his neck, and then the next candidate comes randoming in, and brast his spear, and the other man brast his shield, and down he goes, horse and man, over his horsetail, and brake his neck, and then there’s another elected, and another and another and still another, till the material is all used up; and when you come to figure up results, you can’t tell one fight from another, nor who whipped; and as a picture, of living, raging, roaring battle, sho! why, its pale and noiseless—just ghosts scuffling in a fog. Dear me, what would this barren vocabulary get out of the mightiest spectacle?—the burning of Rome in Nero’s time, for instance?

  Marhaus, Son of the King of Ireland, from an Effigy found in the Castle.

  Why, it would merely say, ‘Town burned down; no insurance; boy brast a window, fireman brake his neck!’ Why, that ain’t a picture!”

  It was a good deal of a lecture, I thought, but it didn’t disturb Sandy, didn’t turn a feather; her steam soared steadily up again, the minute I took off the lid:

  “Then Sir Marhaus turned his horse and rode toward Gawaine with his spear. And when Sir Gawaine saw that, he dressed his shield, and they aventred their spears, and they came together with all the might of their horses, that either knight smote other so hard in the midst of their shields, but Sir Gawaine’s spear brake—”

  “I knew it would.”

  —“but Sir Marhaus’s spear held; and therewith Sir Gawaine and his horse rushed down to the earth—”

  “Just so—and brake his back.”

  —“and lightly Sir Gawaine rose upon his feet and pulled out his sword, and dressed him toward Sir Marhaus on foot, and therewith either came unto other eagerly, and smote together with their swords, that their shields flew in cantels, and they bruised their helms and their hauberks, and wounded either other. But Sir Gawaine, fro it passed nine of the clock, waxed by the space of three hours ever stronger and stronger, and thrice his might was increased. All this espied Sir Marhaus, and had great wonder how his might increased, and so they wounded other passing sore; and then when it was come noon—”

  The pelting sing-song of it carried me forward to scenes and sounds of my boyhood days:

  “N-e-e-ew Haven! ten minutes for refreshments—knductr ’ll strike the gong-bell two minutes before train leaves—passengers for the Shore-line please take seats in the rear k‘yar, this k’yar don’t go no furder—ahh-pls, aw-rnjz, b‘nanners, s-a-n-d’ches, p—op-corn!”

  —“and waxed past noon and drew towards evensong. Sir Gawaine’s strength feebled and waxed passing faint, that unnethes he might dure any longer, and Sir Marhaus was then bigger and bigger—”

  “Which strained his armor, of course; and yet little would one of these people mind a small thing like that.”

  —“and so, Sir Knight, said Sir Marhaus, I have well felt that ye are a passing good knight, and a
marvelous man of might as ever I felt any, while it lasteth, and our quarrels are not great, and therefore it were a pity to do you hurt, for I feel you are passing feeble. Ah, said Sir Gawaine, gentle knight, ye say the word that I should say. And therewith they took off their helms and either kissed other, and there they swore together either to love other as brethren—”

  But I lost the thread there, and dozed off to slumber, thinking about what a pity it was that men with such superb strength—strength enabling them to stand up cased in cruelly burdensome iron and drenched with perspiration, and hack and batter and bang each other for six hours on a stretch—should not have been born at a time when they could put it to some useful purpose. Take a jackass, for instance: a jackass has that kind of strength, and puts it to a useful purpose, and is valuable to this world because he is a jackass; but a nobleman is not valuable because he is a jackass. It is a mixture that is always ineffectual, and should never have been attempted in the first place. And yet, once you start a mistake, the trouble is done and you never know what is going to come of it.

  When I came to myself again and began to listen, I perceived that I had lost another chapter, and that Alisande had wandered a long way off with her people.

  “And so they rode and came into a deep valley full of stones, and thereby they saw a fair stream of water; above thereby was the head of the stream, a fair fountain, and three damsels sitting thereby. In this country, said Sir Marhaus, came never knight since it was christened, but he found strange adventures—”