“If you don’t go to the police I will. I’m sorry, but I can’t sit around knowin’ what that fucker did to you, and you better hope I don’t see him, because I’m liable to kill him.”
I turned and looked at the one man I trusted with my life. I peered into his eyes, pleading with myself to be gentle as I possibly could without ruining what we shared together. “Ethan, as much as I appreciate that you’re tryin’ to help, I need you to back off. I don’t want to call the police, and honestly I don’t know if I ever will. This is my life, not yours. It’s my decision.”
“It’s the wrong decision,” he argued. I could tell he wasn’t going to let up about it. Ethan was adamant about retribution. I could tell he wanted Seth to go down for what he’d done no matter if it happened legally or not. My fear was that he’d go after him, putting his own future in jeopardy. I wasn’t willing to allow him to put himself out there like that.
“It’s my decision,” I reiterated.
I knew he was pissed, but as he stood up I knew he would abide with my request. If I knew anything about my friend it was that he’d do anything I asked him. “You’re makin’ a mistake if you do nothin’.”
“It’s my mistake to make. Why can’t you see that? Why can’t you see that this has to stay buried?”
Before opening the door to leave he turned around and faced me. “I’m not goin’ anywhere, Chris. I won’t back down.”
“I wouldn’t expect you to.”
“If you need anything call me. I can be here in five minutes. Keep your door locked, and monitor your calls. I’ll stop by in the mornin’.”
I watched him walk out, leaving me all alone in my room. Crying wasn’t the answer to my problems, but I found some kind of release every time I did it. After putting my spare set of sheets on my bed I climbed in and covered up, burying my head in my pillow so nobody would hear me. I refused to go out of my room until I knew my roommates were all asleep. Knowing Becca, she’d probably already told the girls what I’d suggested happened between me and Seth. I was certain they’d have the same opinions of me, and soon I’d be asked to leave the house.
The longer I thought about it the more I was okay with that happening. Far be it from me to live with three women that thought I was a trouble-making liar.
I couldn’t be sure about anything except the fact that telling others what happened would only cause me more pain. Had Ethan not pushed my buttons I would have kept it from him too.
After twenty-four hours I was sure about one thing. What happened to me was getting buried, and somehow, someway I’d figured out how to get past it.
I had to, because I wouldn’t be able to wake up every day and know I’d been violated in the worst way possible. What happened to me was vial and disgusting. There was no perpetual end to what it was going to do to me emotionally. I’d read stories, and seen documentaries on assaulted women. I knew the battle for salvation hadn’t yet begun for me. In fact, I couldn’t even see a light at the end of the tunnel. Right now there was no tunnel in view.
Chapter 17
Ethan
Did she really think I’d walk out the door and forget all about what was going on? If I didn’t know any better I’d say she was in denial, but I knew that wasn’t the case. Chris was in a bad way, but it was fear that was preventing her from taking this to the authorities.
She was afraid of losing her new fake friends.
She was also afraid of losing her chance at being accepted by our peers.
It was stupid, tremendously ridiculous that her priorities were so out of whack that she’d put her own health at risk. Just because she’d been with Seth before didn’t mean he couldn’t have hurt her much worse than he had. He could have killed her, leaving her body where it wouldn’t be found. I cringed at the thought of never seeing her again, and that’s why I knew I wasn’t going to stop pushing, even if she shut me out for a little while. Her future was worth the risk. I’d rather that woman hate me forever and have some sense of security in her life, rather than living with the fear of it happening again.
It took a good part of the day to settle down, and even when I felt like I could be around people it was obvious that I wasn’t good company. This chick Mariah that I’d been seeing stopped by for a quick fuck between her classes. As much as I needed release, my mind was in other places, making it impossible to stay focused. Each time she kissed me I not only thought about Christian, which was normal, but I also thought about her kissing Seth. The mere image caused me to force the easy lay to leave my room.
It was pathetic that Chris being assaulted had finally broke me. It had caused me to realize that my plan had been shit. Procrastinating my feelings for her was the worst mistake I’d ever made. There was no denying that I’d always assumed we’d end up together. For the first time since recognizing how strong my feelings were, I feared that it was no longer going to happen, and I didn’t know how to cope.
After several hours of sitting alone in my room, drinking and researching survivors of rape I had a better understanding of everything she was going through. Despite the fact that every case was different, I knew Chris better than anyone, which also allowed me to read her actions.
Right now she was in denial. She knew what had happened, but was determined to act like it never did, because it gave her a false sense of security. She also thought that if nobody knew about it, she didn’t have to dwell on what she couldn’t change. Chris wouldn’t have to worry about what people were saying behind her back.
Pretending was not the answer though. I knew it was only a matter of time before she literally lost it, succumbing to the fact that some things in life can’t be resolved on their own.
I shot her a text message after I couldn’t hold out any longer. It took a long time for her to respond, but I was able to convince her to get out of the house. I picked her up a short while later with hopes to get something in her stomach. When Chris was upset she’d forget to eat, which wasn’t healthy in her current condition.
I could tell she was uncomfortable in her own skin when she came outside with a huge sweater wrapped around her body. She hugged it close to her chest, only letting go to open the car door and climb in.
When I reached over to greet her like I normally did with a kiss on her cheek she lurched away, and widened her eyes as if I’d just violated her. It offended me, but I immediately understood. “Sorry. It’s a habit.”
“I know. I’m not mad.”
“Do you know where you want to eat?” I asked, hoping to change the subject.
“Actually, can we stop somewhere first?”
I agreed, and followed the directions she gave me until we pulled up at the dilapidated home. From the street view I could see where caution tape had been removed from the door. It blew with the wind, catching my attention as Chris climbed out of the vehicle. “This is where it happened.”
I turned off the ignition and ran after her, praying she wouldn’t make it up the first step before I caught her. “Chris, wait!” I hurried, grabbing her by the arm at the last second. She jerked herself out of my hold.
“It needs to be done. I have to do this, Ethan. You can either come with me or wait outside.”
While I watched her speaking it was apparent that she was already a nervous wreck. Her lips trembled and her hands were shaking profusely. Her eyes, always so green, were filled with tears that were ready to drop down her cheeks at any second.
“Don’t go in there. You don’t have to cope this way. I read all about it.”
Out of nowhere she shoved me. “You don’t know how I feel. Don’t try to put yourself in my position, Ethan. You don’t want this.”
“I may not want it, but I’ll be damned if I sit back and watch you inflict more pain on yourself.”
She pointed toward the house, gritting her teeth as she spoke to me. “I’m goin’ inside. You can either come with me, or stay outside. Either way I’d appreciate it if you kept your opinions to yourself.”
She and I liked to disagree. On usual terms it would lead us to sleeping together. As much as I was trying to be supportive, I couldn’t condone her decisions. “You’re being a stupid bitch!”
She stormed inside of the old home, leaving me standing there alone. It took me a few seconds to calm down enough to face her again. When I had I journeyed toward the condemned property, praying that when I found her in the house, she wasn’t worse off.
My worst fears were revealed when I stepped inside of a large living room. At the far end was a mattress on the floor. Chris stood over it, peering down speechless. I approached her, reaching my hand out touching her shoulder. She jumped, turning around with frightened eyes. “Sorry, I wanted you to know I was in here.” I paused and looked back down at the bed. “This is the dumbest idea you’ve ever had. Please can we go now?”
Her body stiffened. “I can’t.”
It took everything in me not to pick her ass up and carry her out of the decrepit building. Instead of causing a huge scene, I leaped in front of her, standing on the mattress, and turning to face her. She looked so distraught, so weak.
“This is where he did it.”
I reached for her chin, pulling it up until she was looking me in the eyes. “It’s over, Chris. There’s no need to rehash it. Let me take you out of here.”
She shook her head, never allowing her gaze to linger from mine. “I left your place, and I was so mad at myself. All I wanted to do was get home. I was bein’ so careful, hidin’ behind things when cars would drive past. I knew the risks of bein’ out alone in the middle of the night.”
“One of those cars was mine. I looked everywhere for you.”
“I know,” she said sadly.
“I was ashamed of the letter I’d written. It wasn’t what I wanted. It was what I felt needed to happen.”
“Forget about it. I knew you’d come around. You can’t get rid of me that easy,” I reassured her.
“It doesn’t matter. Everything’s changed now.”
I opened my mouth to argue, but she cut me off.
“He must have seen me duckin’ behind that car. I tried to hide, but there he was, tellin’ me it wasn’t safe to walk the rest of the way. As mad as I was at what happened earlier at the movies, I knew I’d get home quicker. From the moment I got into the car I could smell the alcohol on his breath. I should have jumped out.”
She finally looked down at our feet. It made me feel awful. “This ain’t your fault, Chris. None of it.”
“Why did I agree to follow him inside this place? I should have known from the outside that it was shady? I should have known what would happen!” She began to weep, so hard that I had to catch her when her knees gave way. I could hear the pain in her sobs, and felt as if the world was crashing down around us. Her pain radiated through me, and all I wished was that I could somehow make it all go away.
“Tell me what to do, babe. Tell me how to help you?”
“Why?” She cried out. “Why did he do it? How could he hold me and get off on hurtin’ me? How could he think that I’d be okay about it? He took everything from me, Ethan. He took everything,” she repeated.
I held all of her weight as she broke down even more pleading with me over things I had no way of answering. The sheer emotions that weakened my ability to respond were heart wrenching. I pulled her close to my chest, allowing her to let it out. She needed to know I wasn’t going anywhere.
Suddenly she backed away, spinning around so that I couldn’t see her face. “I just want it to go away. I can’t stop thinkin’ about him bein’ inside of me. I can feel the pain every time I close my eyes. He violated me so many times. He took me like I was rag doll. He said I wanted it.” While she sobbed, covering her face with her hands, I walked up behind her, pulling her arms down to thread our fingers together. When she didn’t pull away I kissed the top of her head. “Why would I want to be violated? I told him to stop. I begged him to stop hurtin’ me. Why didn’t he? Why didn’t he stop hurtin’ me?”
Though I didn’t exactly know what to say, I knew she was safe now. “You’re goin’ to be okay, because I won’t let this destroy you. We’ll figure it out together, no matter how long it takes.”
The most reassuring thing happened after I’d made that claim. Chris turned around and wrapped her arms around me, placing her head on my chest. “I can’t do this without you. I thought I could, but you know it’s not true. I feel so lost.”
“Don’t worry, I’ve got you now, and I’m goin’ to make sure you find yourself again if it’s the last damn thing I ever do.”
Chapter 18
Christian
I don’t even remember the drive to that old abandoned house, and for me to unconsciously want to revisit that place made me cringe. Had Ethan not been there I don’t know what would have happened. Due to my recent ordeal, I was unable to make rational decisions. I couldn’t care less about returning to my classes, or keeping up with my studies, even though I’d requested my work from my professors.
All I wanted to do was lay around and dwell in my own misery, waiting for the day I woke up and the pain ceased to exist. Imagining that day was the only hope that I had left, and as the minutes passed I was starting to become increasingly concerned that it may never happen.
Ethan didn’t have to drag me out of that house. I walked in front of him, hoping to never visit it again. He was adamant about me staying at his place, but I declined. I knew I’d be crying all night long, and he’d feel obligated to stay up with me even though he knew he had class in the morning. Just because my life was going to shit, didn’t mean his had to as well.
When Ethan dropped me off at my house I felt scared about walking inside and seeing Becca. Somehow I was going to have to pretend that we’d never talked about my experience with Seth. It irked me that she couldn’t give me the benefit of the doubt and believe that I’d been assaulted by one of her so-called friends.
Even with the world closing in around me, I still longed to be accepted. I wanted normalcy, however I was able to get it.
I hadn’t expected the house to be filled with people, and I certainly didn’t expect a bunch of dirty looks as soon as I stepped foot through the threshold.
“Chris. We’ve been waitin’ for you to get back,” Becca said.
I hugged my sweater around the front of me feeling like everyone in the room was watching me. “What’s up?” I pretended to be calm, even though I was trembling.
“After speaking to everyone in the house we think it would be best if you moved out. It’s just not workin’ havin’ you here. We need a roommate that we can trust.”
“You can trust me,” I said in almost a whisper.
“Did you really tell Becca that Seth raped you?” The question came from across the room, and I was shocked to see that it was Mila.
I headed in the direction of my room, only getting halfway there before she was up in my face. “What’s wrong? Cat got your tongue you fuckin’ skank?”
I shoved her out of the way, getting inside of my room before she could catch me. Once my door was shut the yelling and banging began. “Open the door you little slut. Why can’t you talk to me face to face? Come out and look me in the eye and tell me that my boyfriend raped you. We both know it’s not true. You’re nothin’ but a trick he messed around with. When you found out he was spoken for you thought you could fuck with his life, didn’t you? You thought you could turn everyone against him?”
I sank down to the floor, covering my ears, but it still didn’t keep me from hearing her bashing me.
I hadn’t even noticed that all of my belongings had been tossed around the room. My clothes were ripped out of my dresser, and even my laptop was shattered in the far corner.
The more they yelled the more the room started spinning. I got nauseous, swearing that at any second I was going to fall unconscious. As quickly as I was able, I pulled out my cell phone and called Ethan. He’d just be arriving back to his place, but I knew he’d turn around
to come get me.
With the loud slamming still going on in the background he picked up the call. “Hey, you okay?”
I was crying, but able to get out a few words. “I need you to come back and get me.”
“What’s that noise?”
“They went through my things. They broke my computer with all of my school work. They’re forcin’ me to move out, Ethan. They said they want me gone.”
“What the fuck? I’ll be there in five minutes.”
“What did I ever do to deserve this?” I literally began to bawl. They were laughing from the other side of the door, becoming enthused that they’d gotten to me in such a way.
“We’ll grab your stuff and you don’t ever have to go back there. Hang tight. I’m already in my car.”
All of a sudden I felt beating against the door my back was against. “Open up, whore. Someone’s here to give you a good time.”
I closed my eyes and prayed that they’d stop.
“Kick it in. I’ll record it and put it on YouTube,” I heard a female voice saying.
I quickly backed away from the door, watching as it opened without being kicked. “These doors are easy to jimmy open,” someone giggled.
Appearing in the doorway was the devil himself. Seth stood there, a big smile on his face as if he knew he was God’s greatest gift to the world.
I backed away further, distancing myself from the monster he was. “Please don’t.”
He moved forward, rushing toward me. I closed my eyes, burying my head between my legs. I could literally feel the floor vibrating with each of his steps. He leaned down until his hot, familiar, alcohol breath was near my face. “Are we having fun yet?”
I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t even move.
“Did you really think anyone would believe a nobody like you? Did you think they’d help you take me down? You’re nothing but an easy fuck. I took what I wanted and you’re pissed it’s over. Get that through your head and walk away. I won’t let a little bitch like you ruin my life, do you hear me?”
Christian Mitchell Page 11