I could feel him knocking on it as the warm rush of tears poured out of my eyes. I wasn’t just afraid of seeing him again. I was petrified that he was here to do what he’d done before.
“Why won’t you return my calls? I don’t know why you’re being such a bitch. Come out and talk to me. You can’t push me away forever.”
“I told you before that I didn’t want to see you, Seth. You need to leave.”
“I can’t stop thinking about you; the way you taste, and how good it feels to be inside of you. You probably don’t know this, but I’ve wanted you for a while now. I sit behind you and watch you chewing your pens, imagining those teeth biting into my skin as I’m fucking you.”
I cringed, closing my eyes and praying for this to be another nightmare. “Please stop it.”
“I can’t. I won’t let you walk away from this. We’re so good together.”
“I hate you. Don’t you get that? I’m scared of you, Seth.” I cried harder. “Please leave me alone. Why are you doin’ this to me?”
“To you? You’re the one being a damn dick-tease, putting out then pretending it never happened. You came on to me you little closet slut.” He punched the wood right at my face, making me jump out of my skin. “Open the fucking door.”
I backed away, while reaching into my pocket to retrieve my cell phone. I had one bar of battery left, and knew it was just enough to call Ethan. As mad as he probably was at me, I knew he’d come to my rescue.
It rang once before he answered. “It took you long enough.”
“Shut up and listen to me. I need you to come to my house and help me.”
“With what? You said we were done, Chris. What the hell is going on with you?”
“Who are you talking to?” Seth yelled from outside of the room.
“Please,” I begged. “I’m so scared.”
Just then I heard someone on the other side of the door. Becca spoke and I started to relax. “What are you doin’?”
“I came to talk to Chris, but she won’t open the door.”
“Make him leave, Becca. I don’t want to talk to him.”
I heard her ordering him out of our house. When the front door slammed she knocked. “Chris, honey, it’s just me now. Seth’s gone.”
“I have to go,” I told Ethan.
“Wait!” I hung up on him without responding.
Slowly I cracked open the door until I saw Becca waiting on the other side. “Hey.”
Her eyes widened when she looked me in the eyes. “Oh my God. What’s goin’ on?”
She pulled me into her arms and comforted me while I sobbed. Becca was kind, getting me a glass of water and some tissues while I let it all out. Once I’d finally calmed down I knew I had to explain. After taking a deep breath I began to tell her what happened.
“It started the other night when we all went out. I met Seth and he started hittin’ on me. I thought he was nice, and easy on the eyes. When he came back to the house we hung out some more, and then one thing led to another. We ended up in bed, which is somethin’ I’ve never done before. Then it happened again the next day.”
“He obviously likes you.”
“Yeah, if that’s what you call it.”
“What do you mean? You can tell me.”
I sighed, hoping I was making the right decision. “He took me to an abandoned house and forced himself on me, Becca. Seth raped me,” I admitted.
“What?” She stood up and put her hands on her hips. “Seth may be a lot of things, but he’s no rapist. I don’t know what your problem is, but callin’ someone out like that is pretty fucked up.”
I couldn’t believe it. She didn’t believe me. I’d spent the better part of the day holding it all in and when I finally want to come clean the person listening tells me I’m lying. “It’s true. I wouldn’t lie.”
“I’ll tell you what I know, Chris.” She pointed to the exterior door. “That guy you had me kick out is one of the nicest guys I know. His ex would do anything to get back with him, no matter how many times he screws up. Do you honestly mean to tell me that he’d rape you when he could be with any girl he wanted? You’re pretty, but you ain’t worth that kind of trouble.”
“I wouldn’t lie about somethin’ like this. I swear.”
“We just met, so forgive me for not bein’ able to trust your word. I’ve known Seth for years, and he’s never been accused of such madness. I think you’ve had a hard time makin’ friends because you can’t keep your stories straight. People don’t want to be around someone who starts drama where it’s not needed. I was here when you took him into your room and let him stay overnight. I know you fucked him more than once because we could hear you. Obviously you liked it. He’d have no reason to rape you.”
I was a blubbering mess. I’d struggled with making friends for so long, and now I regretted it, because obviously they were never going to accept me. “I have bruises from where he held me down.”
“You could have done that to yourself. Please get out of my face before I say somethin’ I might regret later. If I were you I’d keep this story to yourself and do your best to get back into Seth’s good graces. Otherwise you’ll end up looking for another place to stay for the rest of the semester.”
With that she walked out of my room, leaving me all alone.
Chapter 15
Ethan
It wasn’t just the phone call that had me worried. Her voice was raspy and I could tell she was upset. Since I still had no idea what was going on, I left my class and rushed over to her house.
I don’t know how many times I beat on the door before Becca finally answered. She gave me a dirty look after seeing it was me. “She’s pretty popular today. I should warn you to be careful around that one. She’s liable to ruin your life too.”
I furrowed my brow while wondering what she was talking about. “Whatever,” I said as I moved by her toward Christian’s room.
I tapped on the door after realizing it was locked. “Chris, it’s me. Open up.”
I could hear her walking across the floor and stopping a few feet on the other side. “Ethan?”
“Yeah.” It was upsetting she had to ask, as if she was expecting another guy.
Finally the latch unfastened and I walked inside, finding her hiding behind the closing door. She looked so bad, worse than I’d ever seen before.
I reached my hand out to touch her face and she quickly retracted. “Don’t.”
I threw up my hands, surrendering to her order. “Okay, I won’t touch you. What gives? When you called you begged me to come save you, now I can’t even touch you.”
“It’s not you, I swear.” She headed over to her bed and plopped down on the mattress. “No one can save me.”
I headed in her direction, sitting down right beside her. “Why do you keep sayin’ that?”
“Because it’s true. Please don’t make me talk about it.”
“Should I go?”
“No!” She replied quickly. “I need you to stay.”
For the second time I moved my hand over to touch her. She shoved it away, distancing how close we were sitting to one another. “I’m not goin’ to hurt you, Chris. Why are you pushin’ me away?”
She covered her face and began to sob. I didn’t get it. She wasn’t a crier, yet for the past couple days it seemed like all she was doing. I’d obviously missed some significant happening in her life, because I couldn’t figure out what could possibly cause her to become so distraught.
I made a third attempt to touch her, this time on her shoulder. At first she jerked, but I refused to pull away. “I’ll never hurt you,” I reminded her.
Despite the fact that I still had no inkling of what was going on, I accepted her body when it fell against mine, and I held her tight when she lost control.
Christian never mentioned her bedding being gone, so I refused to talk about it. For two days I’d struggled with finding the words to say to her. With her in my arms, in such a terrible con
dition, I knew my revelation was going to have to wait. This wasn’t the time to confess that I’d been lying about my feelings for years. Right now she needed her best friend.
After some time had passed she’d gotten quiet. I moved my arms away to reveal that she’d fallen asleep. It was another suspicion to warn me that something was very wrong. Then I started thinking about what it could be. She’d left that note out of nowhere, and now she was running away, and avoiding my calls. It was like she was having a hormonal imbalance.
That could only mean one thing.
She was pregnant.
A part of me that wasn’t feeling terrible for my friend became overwhelmed with hope; hope that this could be a new beginning for us. Sure, a child would change things, and we’d have to figure out how to finish school and care for a child, but we had huge families, and our union would be celebrated; maybe not by her father at first, but I’d change his mind.
I’d come to the conclusion that she’d been afraid to tell me, and that’s why she was freaking out so much. After she rested we’d be able to talk about it, and I’d finally let her know that she’d always had my heart. I was prepared to nourish her, to prove that I’d do anything to take back all of the times I’d pushed her away.
Shortly after I’d dozed off myself I felt her stirring. It caused me to tighten my hold on her, and that’s when she jolted out of my arms. I sat up on the bed watching her head to the far side of the room, while hugging the front of her own body. “What is it?”
“Just stay away from me, Ethan. Please. You can’t touch me right now.”
“I get it, okay? I understand now. I don’t know why you couldn’t tell me before, but I get it. Now, please come over here and calm down. I promise I won’t touch you.”
Her eyes widened, “What did you say?” She asked in just a whisper.
“I said I won’t touch you,” I repeated.
Christian sank down on the floor, and began to bawl again. I rushed to her side, more concerned for her latest breakdown than what was actually freaking her out so much.
“Talk to me, babe.”
“I can’t. I can’t talk to anyone. I tried. It’s no use.”
“You can tell me anything.”
She shook her head, refusing to look in my direction. “That’s where you’re wrong. Trust me when I say that you don’t want to know this. It’s my burden, and I’ll take care of it on my own.”
Imagining her aborting our child made my blood boil. “Why would you even say that? How could you think I wouldn’t want to help you through it?”
“It’s none of your business, Ethan. You should just go. Talkin’ about it only makes it real. You don’t understand how much I wish it never happened. I should have known somethin’ like this would happen. I should have seen it comin’.”
I’d never heard her talk to me like she was. In all of the times where I knew her true feelings for me, this was a shock. She was pushing me away when we finally had a reason to move forward together. It all ripped through me like a knife, dull enough to make the pain last inevitably longer than it should.
“I won’t let you go through this alone, no matter how much you fight me. I know you’re pregnant, Chris. That’s what this is about. You think I don’t want -.”
“Pregnant?” She interrupted. “You think that’s what this is about?”
I was shocked. “What else could it be?”
Her lips quivered as she looked up at me with desperate eyes. “I’m not pregnant Ethan, and now I don’t even know if I’ll ever want to become a mother. I wouldn’t want to watch my child go through somethin’ like this.”
“If you’re not pregnant, than what is it, because I’m not leavin’ this room until you tell me the God damn truth. We’ve been friends for too long. Of all the people in this world you know you can trust me. I know I’ve hurt you in the past, and for that I’m sorry, but I’d never let you go through this kind of pain on my watch. It’s my job to protect you. I promised your father I would. Tell me now. Tell me what in the hell happened in the past twenty-four hours. Are you upset because of me? Did I do something to cause this?”
She finally shook her head. “No. It’s not you.” There was a long pause, and I wondered if she was even going to divulge anything else. “It’s Seth.”
“Did he say something to hurt your feelin’s? Did he call you a whore, because if he did…”
“He raped me.” The words came out so sudden, yet I froze in place, unable to grasp the meaning of them. It was as if time stood still to give me a moment to take it all in.
In that exact moment I’d lost all sense of hope. This wasn’t something I could fix. She was broken, and there was nothing I could do to take the pain away.
Chapter 16
Christian
My words vibrated off my lips, but I wasn’t in control of them coming out of my mouth. Something else was forcing me to confess my tragedy to Ethan. One look in his eyes told me everything I’d feared. He’d never look at me the same again, because I was damaged. If I’d listened to him more often none of this would have happened. I knew he blamed me. Why else would he be speechless?
“Chris,” my name was spoken so smoothly.
“Like I said before. You can’t help me. There’s nothin’ anyone can do to help me.”
“You’ve got to call the police.”
“Why?” I questioned. “What good will it do? I slept with him twice right before this happened. People saw us together. We went to the movies. No one will believe that I changed my mind.”
“They have rape kits. There’s plenty of people that know you wouldn’t lie.”
This was unbearable; seeing the pain washing over him as he desperately searched for a way to console me. I understood that he meant well, but after my talk with Becca had gone terribly wrong I knew that making a formal report would deem more difficult. This was where Ethan wasn’t going to understand. He wouldn’t get that I’d rather bury this secret than have the whole world knowing my business. He couldn’t understand that I wouldn’t be able to handle the ridicule that I’d receive from everyone if this came out.
I’d had long enough time to debate on what I wanted to do. Becca had helped me make that decision with her response. I knew that if I couldn’t even convince her, than I didn’t have a chance at winning the respect of the rest of my peers, not when Seth was such a popular person on campus.
“I don’t expect you to find a resolution for me. What’s done can’t be erased.” My body began to shake, and when I looked up into Ethan’s eyes all I saw was pain.
They were glossed over, so much that I swore tears were about to fall. The only time I’d ever seen Ethan cry was when his grandfather passed away suddenly. He’d had a heart attack at the state fair in front of hundreds of town’s people. We’d been at the mall when he got the news, and was able to keep it together until we reached his truck in the parking lot. It was there that I watched my tough friend break.
While thinking about that moment I hadn’t noticed Ethan reaching his hand out to touch mine. Even though it startled me, his warm embrace was much needed, although it wasn’t going to go any further. “I can’t make the decisions for you, Chris, but I sure as hell know I can find that son-of-a-bitch and beat the shit out of him.”
I pulled my hand away and put both up to my face. “It won’t help. It won’t make me forget what happened.”
“I get that you don’t want to tell anyone, but can you at least tell me why? Why can’t we call your parents? Why can’t we call the police? You can’t hide out in your room for the rest of your life. This guy needs to pay for what he’s done, and the longer you wait the harder it’s goin’ to get.”
Turning in his direction was a mistake. I was overcome with guilt. “What if it’s my fault? What if I led him on? We weren’t strangers, Ethan. I already told you this. Whatever you’re tryin’ to do it’s not goin’ to help. Besides, I’m pretty sure that goin’ to the authorities will somehow make me
lose my scholarship, which in turn would destroy my parents.”
“Listen to yourself. Do you really think they care about college when your life was in danger? You’re obviously not thinkin’ clearly.”
“You know what? Just go. I don’t need someone sittin’ here tellin’ me what I should and shouldn’t do. I’m the one that got raped. I’m the one who was held down while that retched piece of shit had his way with me over and over again.”
He turned away. “Don’t.”
“Don’t what? Talk about it? Isn’t that why you’re here; to force me to go over every single detail again, makin’ me have to relive it so I won’t be able to even contemplate havin’ closure?”
“I would never want you to hurt. You know that.” He reached for my face, watching as I suddenly jerked away before he was able to touch me. “This never should have happened. If I’d just agreed to be with you before, you never would have gone out with him in the first place. You think it’s your fault, but it’s not. It’s mine.”
I couldn’t hear this; not because I didn’t want to, because that would be a lie. I couldn’t let him take the blame. One thing I’d never want was for him to have been with me out of pity. I got that he didn’t have the same feelings for me as I had for him. As far as I was concerned it was water under the bridge compared to what I was going through. That’s why I knew him being around was probably a bad idea. Ethan was grasping at straws, looking for some kind of resolution to heal me. “We both know that’s not the truth.”
“I love you, Chris.”
I couldn’t believe it. In all of the times that I needed his friendship, my stomach knotted when he’d said those three words. I knew we were best friends and he loved me in a special way, but right now it wasn’t enough. He was my only friend, and he could either sit here or let me figure things out, or go home and let me do it alone. Feelings or lack thereof weren’t going to save me. I honestly didn’t even know what would. “I need you to go.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t want company. It’s nothin’ against you. I just need to be alone right now. I need to handle this on my own.”
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