I watched as they drove away, trying hard to save the poor girl’s life. I wasn’t thinking about the blood, or the fact that I’d discovered a dying woman in a condemned home. All that kept repeating in my mind was the fact that she’d said other women had been taken there and that intrigued me. Was she talking about Seth? Was this a place where other guys from that frat brought girls for ass? I had to know the answer, and the only way I was going to find it was if I was able to talk to her again.
I ran back to my apartment as soon as the officer pulled away. While shaking profusely I managed to change my clothes and get in my car almost as fast as the speed of light.
I lied to the ER nurse, telling her I was the brother of the victim. She was reluctant, but finally led me back to the waiting room. I was told that ‘my sister’ was being worked on, and that as soon as I was able to see her, they’d come and get me. Lucky for me I had a triage nurse that didn’t ask any questions, like what ‘my sister’s’ name was, because I didn’t have a clue.
The waiting room was empty, and unlike at home I fell asleep sitting up in a chair. A nurse shouted out a name, Amber Borella, and it took me a second to realize that she assumed it was my last name too. “That’s me. I’m her brother.”
“You can come back to see your sister now, but only for a second. Visiting hours are over, and she’ll need to be observed for the next seventy-two hours.”
I knew well enough to be aware that the seventy-two hours pertained to the mental ward. This girl had tried to commit suicide, and I needed to know why.
I thanked the nurse and went into the room, finally seeing the female in the light for the first time. She was blonde with a pretty face, even though she’d been through hell. At first I thought she was sleeping, but as I was about to sit down and wait, she opened her eyes. “You saved me.”
“I suppose I did.”
Her eyes filled with fresh tears. “I’m sorry I got you involved in this.”
I didn’t know what the girl was talking about, but something told me I needed to find out. “Do you know me? Did you know my friend? Her name is Chr-.”
“Christian.” She nodded. “I met her once. We hung out one night after my shift at the club.” She paused for another moment, and I could tell she was very weak. “I’m a dancer.” She started sniffling again. “Your friend is a really nice girl. I could tell she didn’t like bein’ there.”
“She’s the best person I’ve ever known. I miss her bein’ around.”
“Did she leave town?”
“Yeah. She had to. Nobody believed her, and she’s not real good about bein’ bullied.”
“I should have warned her, I just didn’t think he’d do it to someone else.”
“He? Warned her? You’re losin’ me here, darlin’.”
“Seth,” she whispered. “I used to do anything to get his attention. I knew he had a girlfriend, but I didn’t care. All I wanted to do was be with him.”
I handed her a tissue so she could wipe her face.
“We used to meet up at the old house in secret. I didn’t tell anyone, because I knew we’d have to stop if more people found out. I was okay with being the secret girlfriend for a while, but it started to get to me. I’d see them out together and they’d be all over each other. Then he’d meet me and tell me she was nothin’. The lies went on until I couldn’t stand it anymore. One night I met him at the house and told him I was done. As much as it hurt me I knew I couldn’t take bein’ second anymore. I deserved better.”
“Did he attack you that night?” I had to ask.
“No. We parted ways for a month, until one night he got drunk off his ass. He kept callin’ me, beggin’ me to meet up with him. He told me that he’d finally broke it off with Mila, and wanted a chance to prove to me that I was his number one. I caved and agreed to meet him. Seth may have been a cheater, but he’d never laid a hand on me. One thing I loved about him was his compassion. Anyway, he’s different when he drinks. Somethin’ happened to him that night. He started taunting me, tellin’ me he was lyin’ about the breakup. He said that he could fuck me whenever he wanted, and I wouldn’t be able to fight him. That night he forced himself on me. I kept tellin’ myself that he was drunk, and he didn’t mean it. The next mornin’ he didn’t even remember. He’d forgotten about the whole thing and called me because he’d seen on his phone that we’d talked.”
She wiped her face again. I couldn’t help but notice her bandaged wrists. “Five weeks later I found out I was pregnant. At the same time Seth kept comin’ around bein’ all buddy-buddy with my roommates to get to me. I moved out, knowin’ I couldn’t tell anyone what happened, and I didn’t want anyone knowin’ I was carryin’ his child. I managed to get a nice place, and take on another shift to pay for everything.”
She had to stop talking for a moment, because she literally started weeping, as if she were in excruciating pain. “It was a little girl. I felt her movin’ inside of me. I had a sonogram that determined the sex. I felt like out of somethin’ ugly was goin’ to be my most beautiful miracle. I miscarried at twenty-four weeks. The doctors couldn’t tell me why. I had to deliver my dead baby. I got to hold her in my arms that night, and it broke me. It took everything I loved in life and ruined it.”
“I’m so sorry for your loss.” It was the truth. I didn’t like hearing tragic stories.
“Maybe it was for the best. I wasn’t ready to be a mother, and I certainly didn’t want anything to do with Seth.”
“So you didn’t report the attack?”
“I never told anyone.”
“Can I ask why you tried to end your life tonight? I know it’s not my business, but nothin’s that bad to kill yourself.”
“I recently found out about your friend, but not how you might think. Seth asked me to meet him. He was crying, begging me to talk to him about somethin’. When I got to the old house I asked him where the mattress had gone. He laughed and joked that the police had taken it. I asked him if it was because he forced someone else and he lost it. He shoved me down and started screaming. I’d never seen him so angry. He told me that it was my fault. He said I’d ran my mouth and told Christian to go after him. I didn’t know what he was talking about. I ran out of there, hopin’ he’d leave me alone.”
“He didn’t?”
She shook her head. “No.” She started sobbing while trying to speak. “He showed up at my place, called my phone constantly, and waited for me outside the club. I had to change my shift to get away from him. I felt like no matter where I went he was there waitin’ for me.”
“Why didn’t you get a restrainin’ order?”
“I went to talk to Becca. We’d always been close, and I thought that if I came clean she’d help me. Instead she called me a liar, sayin’ I’d talked to Christian and because I couldn’t be with Seth I was tryin’ to ruin his life. Last week I got an eviction notice, because I had to stop dancin’. I can’t afford the place with no job. I’ve got nowhere to go, and no friends to help me out. Lovin’ Seth ruined my life. I hate myself, and I don’t know if I want to go on.”
In those last words I watched as she lost it. It was that very moment where I felt like I was standing there with my best friend. I placed one of my hands over hers. “Don’t give up because a scum bag like Seth made you feel like you weren’t anything. He’s a narcissistic asshole, who doesn’t deserve your compassion.”
She managed to form a half-smile across her face. “When I was lying there bleedin’ out I regretted it. I started prayin’ to God, beggin’ him to save me. Then you were there. I’ll never be able to repay you.”
I thought for a second, wondering if I even had the right to ask this fragile girl something so sensitive. “I lost the love of my life from all of this. I’d never make you feel obligated, but if you went to the police I think you might be able to get the closure you seek. He can’t hurt you if he’s behind bars.”
“I can’t. I’m sorry. His family will take their money and make sure
they bury the truth. I don’t have the means to take them on.”
I grabbed the paper off the nightstand and wrote down my number. “If you change your mind, here’s my cell.”
I had to get out of there. After everything, she wasn’t goin’ to help me. All she’d given me was hope, just to tear me back down again. This guy was a real piece of work. He had everyone thinking he was such a nice guy, when in fact he was the damn devil.
The sun was coming up when I headed out to my car. As tired as I was, my mind was fixed on one thing. Though we’d never gone this long without talking, I hoped she’d at least take my call.
As I scrolled down to find her name, I made a new pact to myself that no matter what she said I wouldn’t give up. I was nothing without her in my life, and it was time she knew the truth.
Chapter 29
Christian
I’d gone weeks without a single returned call from Ethan. As much as I hated admitting it, worrying about losing him was helping me cope with everything else. I also needed to thank my psychiatrist. After the first two visits I could feel things changing for me. There was a long road ahead, but I felt more determined than I’d ever been. She was also helping me accept the things I couldn’t change. I needed to love myself before I could begin to heal.
My parents were overprotective at first, driving me to my appointments, and waiting on me hand and foot. I tried to explain to them that I wasn’t fragile. I wouldn’t shatter if I fell down, though they still insisted.
Driving to my next appointment made it seem like I was gaining some of my independence back. I made sure to obey all of the road signs, and speed limits, always checking my mirrors, for not only incoming traffic, but also the chance that my attacker was hiding out in my parent’s backseat.
Yes, I had a long road ahead of me. Accepting that was the biggest challenge so far.
When I arrived in the parking lot I checked outside of my vehicle several times before unlocking the door and climbing out. I knew I was being overly cautious, and maybe even taking a step backwards, but I’d rather look like a mental patient than be assaulted again. Cautious people were always aware of their surroundings. They made sure they were out of harm’s way.
Last week the doctor and I discussed carrying pepper spray and possibly taking a self-defense class. I felt like if I’d been able to defend myself in any way I would have been able to fight him off and run.
Since I arrived on time I was sent right in to meet with the doctor. She was sitting at her desk writing in a folder. As soon as she spotted me strolling in, she stopped to greet me. “Good afternoon, Christian. How’s my favorite southern girl feeling today?”
I liked how she treated me like a friend. I’m sure she was trained to know how to handle each case. For me, the personal connection was important. I needed to feel like I could trust her. After all, I was telling her all of my secrets, some of which I would never want my parents knowing about.
“I’m doing okay, maybe even good. I have moments.”
“That’s understandable. Did you bring your list for the week?” She asked.
I nodded and reached inside my purse, pulling out the journal.
“Things that make me happy:
Pancakes in the mornin’.
Lyin’ under a willow tree and listenin’ to nature.
Dreamin’ of makin’ love in the rain.
Learnin’ how to make my Gram’s apple pie.
Swimmin’ with my cousin’s at their pond.
Watchin’ my brother lovin’ all over his fiancée.
Hearin’ that my sister is comin’ home from rehab.
Watchin’ those romance channels where you cry because it’s so beautiful.
Going to church and hearin’ my momma sing her heart out.
Daydreamin’ about a life where Ethan and I are married and happy.”
“Things I don’t like:
Seein’ my mother cry.
Not hearing from my best friend for weeks.”
I put my head down when I finished, knowing she was going to ask a ton of questions that I may or may not be ready for.
“I would like to discuss Ethan. Would that be okay?”
I shrugged. “I guess. There’s really nothin’ to tell. I don’t even think we’re friends anymore.” It hurt to admit that, especially after being friends for so long.
“You care deeply for this man, yet you say he hasn’t contacted you. What happened?”
I twiddled my fingers, focusing on them moving as I spoke, as if it shut my emotions off. “We had a fight.”
“What did you fight about?”
This was already getting annoying. We weren’t talking. End of story.
“In high school we made this pact. It’s probably stupid, but we promised to share every single first with each other. Ethan was my first kiss. He was the first person that I had sex with. You get the idea. Anyway, when I went out with Seth we messed around in a movie theater. He recorded me givin’ him oral and sent it to Ethan. I didn’t think it mattered. He’d been sleepin’ with other girls since we entered college, and clearly didn’t have any intentions of bein’ with me as a couple. He’d made that blatantly clear.”
“He said he didn’t want to be with you?”
“Actually, he said that it would ruin our friendship and I meant too much for that to happen.”
“And you don’t believe him?” I was beginning to feel uncomfortable talking about Ethan. My heart ached for the empty spot where he’d always been. This was torture.
“Can we talk about somethin’ else?”
She paused and then jotted something down in her folder. “Tell me about your first sexual experience.”
“It’s too hard.”
“Close your eyes and put yourself back in time. Remember being happy and carefree.”
I did as she ordered. “It was my parent’s anniversary, and they like to go to this cabin in the mountains, so me and my sister were home alone. My family was only a short walk from the house, so we were never really alone, per se. Anyway, Ethan and I had it all planned out. He drove his dad’s old pickup truck into one of the barns, so my brother wouldn’t suspect anything. I’d spent the day decorating the hay loft with candles. Don’t worry. I used the flameless kind. I laid out blankets and brought some pillows from the house so we’d be comfortable. Despite the fact that it was our first time, I wasn’t nervous. We’d made out so many times, fondling, and exploring each other. I was ready to lose my virginity. I felt like it was going to make me a real woman.”
While I paused to prepare for the rest of the story I looked up to see her making more notes. “How did you feel when Ethan said you couldn’t be a couple?”
“Devastated.”
“Was the pain much like being assaulted?”
I hated her question. “What’s that supposed to mean? Are you implyin’ that they are equal?”
“No. I’m trying to grasp the emotional pull that your love for Ethan has on you. Could you try to answer?”
“Ethan means everything to me. Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe without him. When I was assaulted he pushed until I confessed what happened, and he promised he wouldn’t leave my side. I get why he’s upset, but I feel destroyed. My attack was ugly, and I wished it never happened, but my love for Ethan is beautiful. I could never regret that.”
“Finish your story about your first time.”
After talking about my love for him, it was hard to close my eyes and replay that moment in time that was so perfect. “The ambience was romantic, and Ethan took his time. He kissed me until I stopped shakin’, and then made sure I was ready for every single step. I felt loved, respected, and above all consumed with confidence.”
“How would you describe your time with Seth?”
I swallow the immediate lump in my throat. “Drunken, stupid, a big mistake. I was desperate, and vulnerable.”
“Christian, you’re very young, and with that it means that you’ve yet to experi
ence so much. I’m not saying that you need to go out and find partners. I’m saying that with age comes experience. It always helps with acceptance.”
“I’m tryin’ to understand that. I still wake up every mornin’ hopin’ I won’t think of my mistakes.”
“We’re human. We make mistakes. It’s how we repent our faults that make us indifferent. I want you to go home and share your happy list with one family member. I also want you to include the two sad items. Learning to express your feelings is very important in your situation. Having a good line of communication at home will not only improve your trust with others, but also them with you.”
It made sense. My parents were always trying to know my business. They’d be over the moon if I shared something so dear to my heart, especially about Ethan. Besides, I knew I was going to have to come clean about him if I ever wanted to be able to accept that he might not want to be my friend again. As much as it hurt to think about, I knew this was my only life, and I had to be thankful for having a second chance at finding myself. “I think I’ve always been afraid that they looked at me like I was different from my siblings. They’re so outgoin’, and easy to get along with. I always liked school, and playing by myself. My mom says she was like me, but I’ve seen her make friends easily. All she has to do is smile and they’re like magnets. I don’t have that gift. Maybe I have an invisible sign on my forehead that says I’m awkward.”
“You’re too self-conscious. You’re worried about what others think of you, instead of what you think of yourself. Remember we talked about loving yourself?”
“Yes.”
“When you look in the mirror what do you see?”
This was the stupidest question. Obviously I saw myself.
She reiterated her question when I didn’t reply. “What kind of person do you see when you look in the mirror?”
Christian Mitchell Page 18