“We’ve already gone over this question.”
“It’s important to answer again.”
“I see a lonely girl who longs to be loved.”
“Hmm, and what if I asked you to describe the woman you want to see in the mirror?”
This one was easy. I’d thought about this every single time I’d looked at my own reflection only to feel let down at what was really there. “I see beauty, strength, and happiness. I see a woman who isn’t afraid to go after what she wants. I see a woman who conquers all struggles, leavin’ no rock unturned. I see confidence. She’d have poise. She’d be skilled as a ninja so no one could ever hurt her physically.”
“Let’s back up a second. As much as I would like to see you become a ninja, for self defense, of course, I think it’s best that we focus on one obstacle at a time. Perhaps our main focus should be on that confidence. Tell me what you don’t like about your appearance.”
I kept my gaze low, trying not to see her looking at me, making me more uncomfortable with the question. “I don’t feel beautiful.”
“So if I told you that you were a beautiful, stunning lady you wouldn’t believe me?”
“I’d feel flattered, but question your judgment.”
She tapped that pen to the paper again, causing me to look up. When I did I saw that she was staring at me. “When did you start to feel as if you were unbeautiful?”
I tossed my hands in the air. “I don’t know. Maybe it was when my cousins started teasin’ me.”
“I know for a fact that you come from a very large family. It says in my notes that you have a large amount of cousins. Perhaps they were only teasing you because they knew it got to you.”
“Who knows? The damage is done. If they wanted me to feel ugly they’ve succeeded.”
“I want you to do something else for me when you go home. I’d like for you to call those cousins and ask them if you’re beautiful.”
“I’d say you’re crazy.”
“Please enlighten me here. This is my job to find the source so that I’m able to help you heal. Part of that is finding where this all stems from. Once we can determine that, you’ll begin to feel differently about yourself. That’s when we’ll have made the most progress.”
Even though I knew I’d follow through, because I was desperate for closure, I felt sickened by what she was asking me to do. I loathed my twin cousins, Jake and Jax. They’d picked on me my whole life. If I called and asked them a question so ridiculous I’d be a laughing stock.
With a new list of to-dos I left the office and headed home. I was eager to sit down with my parents and share my list. I think it was beneficial that they knew I trusted them. Calling my cousins was going to be a battle in itself.
Chapter 30
Christian
My mom was eager to get my sister home. I think she secretly hoped that both of us girls would live with her forever. Even if we built a house on the family property, I don’t know if we’d be close enough in her eyes.
Being my dad had gotten the call to pick my sister, Addy, up from the hospital, he’d volunteered to drive out there to do it. It only took me a second to ask if I could ride along.
We gotten about five miles from the house before either of us said anything. I broke the ice knowing I had to share my feelings with my dad. We were alone, and of all the people on the planet his approval was most important. “Daddy,” I called him that when I wanted to be on his good side. Even in my twenties, he still got a kick out of it.
“Yes, darlin’?”
“I need to talk to you about somethin’.”
He reached over and grabbed my hand. I could feel how rough his skin was from years of hard work. He’d made sure we never hurt for anything, and for that I’d be forever grateful. “The doc says I need to tell you and mom about my feelin’s. I was hopin’ we could discuss them while we drive.”
“I’m all ears.”
I pulled the list out of my purse. “She thinks I need to tell you ten things that make me happy, and only two that make me sad.
Things that make me happy:
Pancakes in the mornin’.
Lyin’ under a willow tree and listenin’ to nature.
Dreamin’ of makin’ love in the rain.
Learnin’ how to make my Gram’s apple pie.
Swimmin’ at the North Carolina pond.
Watchin’ Noah lovin’ all over his fiancée.
Hearin’ that Addy is comin’ home from rehab.
Watchin’ those romance channels where you cry because it’s so beautiful.
Going to church and hearin’ momma sing her heart out.
Daydreamin’ about a life where Ethan and I are married and happy.”
“Things I don’t like:
Seein’ momma cry.
Not hearing from my best friend for weeks.”
My father was quiet, probably because I’d just given him a lot to ponder on. I watched as his face creased. “Darlin’, I’ve always told you how special you were. Your mom and I knew from the time you were born. We’d struggled for so long to get pregnant and just knowin’ that a miracle had happened healed a broken part of your mom. Watchin’ her hold you brought tears to my eyes, because she finally had that piece of the puzzle she thought was out of reach. Now you’ve grown into this young woman, who’s not only brilliant, but also beautiful. I’m so proud of you. I’m proud to call you my daughter; to know that out of all the people I’ve ever known, you hold the purest heart. Now I’m not talkin’ about your virginity, so don’t get uncomfortable. Besides, I’ve known all about your little riffs with Ethan in the barn. If you’re plannin’ on makin’ a love nest it’s best that you hide the evidence when you’re done.”
I felt so embarrassed. I tried to pinpoint when I’d forgotten something. Had it been after our first time? The thought made me queasy. “Sorry.”
“It’s a part of growin’ up. That bein’ said your mom did have to keep me from sayin’ somethin’ to that boy. He’s a good kid, but I wasn’t sure if he was the right match for my special girl.” He reached over and touched my chin.
I moved away feeling embarrassed. “Daddy, stop it. This conversation is just weird now.”
“Christian, you’re a woman. Remember that I loved your mother at your age. You remind me of her. . She was always timid, gettin’ into trouble because she wouldn’t speak up for herself. It was the main reason I fell so hard for her. I felt a pull to take care of her and then it all fell into place. Now we’ve got you three kids, and I’m includin’ your older brother, because we all know that even though he’s not her biological son, she’d never love him any less than you two girls. She’s a Godsend, and he couldn’t have asked for a better mother.”
“I know.” When my brother was three social services had brought him to the ranch. My father didn’t even know he existed, and my mom had just had a miscarriage. Instead of feeling like it was an omen for failure, she took Noah in her arms and never looked back. Their bond was unbreakable, and many times it made us all forget that she wasn’t his birth mother. Since we still shared our father’s blood, there was no trading him in for a sister. Besides, I enjoyed knowing he always had my back. “We have a fantastic family.”
“We need to thank God for that, Chris.”
“I know.” Sadly, I hadn’t thanked God enough lately. It was selfish of me, and I didn’t like admitting that I’d somehow lost a little bit of faith from my experience, especially since I’d been taught that he only gives us what he knows we can handle.
“Do you mind me askin’ what happened with Ethan?”
I looked out the window, hoping I wouldn’t lose it in front of my father. “I guess you could say that I loved him and he didn’t love me back.”
“Hogwash!” He immediately spat. “That boy’s been crazy about you for years.”
“Dad, we’re just friends. Well, we were. It’s all changed now.”
“I don’t believe that. If you want somethin’ y
ou’ve got to work for it, you’ve got to fight. It’s the chase that makes it better.”
“Talkin’ like this is uncomfortable,” I admitted.
“That list you made is beautiful. It warms my heart that you see things other people your age can’t yet grasp. What makes me sad is seein’ you unhappy. You deserve the world at your fingertips. Now I know we didn’t get justice for what happened to you, but God’s got a plan. I believe that, because I’ve seen miracles happen.”
All of a sudden I felt extremely emotional. I leaned over and let my head fall against my dad’s strong shoulder. I don’t know if it was the image of my mother going through her cancer treatments, or the fact that the past couple months had been hell for me. Sure, I was going out to bars and hanging with people my age, but that life wasn’t for me. All I knew was that I was blessed to have the support that I did. “I love you, daddy.”
He kissed the top of head, immediately reminding me of Ethan. “I love you too, darlin’. You’re my sweet girl, you always have been, and you always will be. Don’t you ever forget that.”
For the rest of the ride I laughed and cried with my dad. We hadn’t been alone for a long time, and I appreciated the way he was so caring when he needed to be. Even though I’d watched him and my brother having it out, this soft side of him proved that he was the best dad in the world. Besides, my brother sometimes needed a good kick in the ass.
I hadn’t seen my sister since she’d gone to rehab. I remember her looking so fragile, with eyes glossed over. The girl that was walking toward us had put on at least ten pounds. Her hair was styled, and she was smiling. Though she still looked tired, I could tell she was thrilled to see us both standing there. We hugged her at the same time, and that’s where my emotions went awry. We never bonded like this, yet both of us needed each other more than we’d care to admit. “I’m sorry for what happened to you,” she whispered in my ear.
“Same here,” I said back.
My dad let us stand there embracing for quite some time. I could tell from his grimace that he appreciated the way we were behaving. He had tears in his eyes, which was a rarity.
He put his hand on my shoulder. “Let’s get you both home. Mom’s been cookin’ all day.”
“I can’t wait to eat something with taste,” Addy said as we began walking toward the exit.
In that moment I wasn’t thinking about myself, my failures, and what I hadn’t yet overcome. I was grateful for my beautiful family and content knowing that above anything else, they were what I needed the most right now.
I’d been looking everywhere for a best friend, feeling like nobody would ever understand, yet my sister, who was only one year apart from me in age, was right beside me, needing the same kind of companionship. It was a true revelation.
My love life was going to have to wait, because it was time for me to accept what I couldn’t change, and look forward to the person I was meant to be.
Chapter 31
Ethan
I couldn’t wait to tell her the news. I was both excited and worried. She was going to be so angry with me. Still, I felt like I had good reason to stay away. My timing may have sucked, but I needed to figure some things out for myself. Mostly I needed to come to terms that there were things in life I’d never be able to change. I couldn’t look at my friend and see someone fragile. I needed to be able to know for sure that without her strength she wouldn’t have come so far.
Pulling up at the ranch made me a bit leery. There was a chance that Chris had told her father to make sure I never stepped foot near her again, though I don’t think she’d still be leaving me messages if she felt that way. Still, my guilt over not being there stressed me. How was I ever going to make up for betraying her friendship? How was I going to look her in the eyes, knowing I’d loved her for so long, and tell her that my decisions had been the reason for everything that happened to her? I should have made better choices, and not relied on damn scientific results about relationship odds. How incredibly selfish I’d been to assume she’d wait around for me to wise up?
After I’d made it through the entrance gates, and found my way down the long dirt lane, I pulled up in front of the large log home belonging to her parents. Facing her dad was going to be a challenge in itself.
I looked in the rearview mirror at my reflection, trying to psych myself some courage. “You’ve got this, dude. Be honest with them.”
When I climbed the porch steps and knocked, her mother answered the door. She smiled immediately, giving me a bit of reassurance. “Good afternoon, Mrs. Mitchell. I was hopin’ to see Christian if that’s alright.”
She frowned. “It would be if she were here. Colt took her to pick up Addy. She was released today.”
I smiled, even though I felt disappointed. “That’s great news. I’m sure it’ll be nice to have them all home.”
“Why don’t you come inside? I haven’t seen you in a while, and could use the company.” I stepped inside as she continued to speak. “I’ve got some fresh tea made. Would you like some?”
“Certainly. That would be great.”
I followed her into the kitchen and sat down at the small table. She’d been busy cooking up a storm. There were pots of food on each burner, and the aroma was heavenly. “Here you go. I added some lemon, just like you always asked for.”
I guess there was a time when I was a fixture at the ranch. It was nice having her remember little things. It made me feel as if she didn’t have a problem with my visit. “How’s she doin’, Christian, I mean. How is she?”
“She’s improving every day. Sometimes it’s still pretty tough on her. She’s in therapy, and seems to be doing well with that. She misses you, Ethan, she doesn’t talk about it much, but I can tell.”
Right away I felt that guilt-punch again. “Mrs. Mitchell, I-.”
“Savanna. Mrs. Mitchell is my mother-in-law,” she corrected.
I smiled and continued on. “I never should have stayed away. I know that. It’s just that I couldn’t be the person she wanted me to be. It was a dumb decision, brought on by years of regret. The truth is I’ve been a coward, hidin’ behind what could have happened, instead of lettin’ it play out. My goals got pushed to the side, leavin’ me to make bad choices, and to push the one person most important away.”
She turned and leaned on the table, looking me right in the eyes. “Ethan, Colt and I have known you’ve been in love with our daughter for a very long time. If taking a break was what was needed for you to see that, then I’m glad you did it. It’s never too late to tell someone how you feel. Sure, you might not get the expected result, but you’ll feel better that they know. You can’t regret what you’ve never tried.”
Her kind words were reassuring, right at a moment where I was questioning my intentions. “Yeah, it’s taken me a while to get my act together I suppose.”
She got back to working at the stove as she continued to converse with me. “You should stay for dinner. We’ve got plenty of food.”
“It seems like tonight’s a celebration for family. I don’t want to impose, ma’am.”
“Ethan, you are family.”
“I don’t know if Chris would see it that way, especially now.”
“Nonsense. You’re staying. I insist.”
I wasn’t going to argue with the woman about a meal I knew would blow me away. Her cooking skills were amazing. She could make liver and onions taste like filet mignon.
We sat there for a time catching up on day to day life. After a while it felt like I hadn’t spent any time away from the family.
It wasn’t until we heard the vehicle pull up out up front that I started to fret. This wasn’t like seeing her mom’s welcoming smile. It wasn’t like two star-crossed lovers finally finding each other after time apart. I’d walked away from her, abandoning her after I’d promised never to do such a thing. There was a good chance she was going to tell me to go to hell.
I stood up as the front door opened, watching as Chris’
mother rushed over to welcome her family home. I stood there staring at the strength of one family, who’d been dealt several crappy hands all at once. Their union, and ability to strive together was what I longed to have someday with their daughter. Seeing her again was like looking out that old bus window on the first, autumn day of school and seeing her climbing aboard. Even towards the rear I could see those green eyes glistening. There had never been a time where I felt so drawn to someone before, and even in my adolescent state, I knew I had to know everything about her.
It would have been nice to see her running into my arms, taking comfort in the fact that I was there for her. She was too caught in up her family to notice me at first, and I didn’t want to take away from their important reunion. After a few moments her father looked up and spotted me in the room. He cleared his throat before greeting me. “Ethan. Where you been hidin’ at, boy?”
I shrugged, and put on a fake smile until my gaze met Chris’. “Hey.”
“Hey yourself,” she replied. “What’re you doin’ here?”
“I was in the neighborhood,” I teased.
She took a few steps in my direction, never coming close enough for me to pull her into my arms, not that I would have been able to do that with her dad watching us. Something about that man terrified me, despite the fact that we were finally at eye level with each other.
“Are you stayin’ for dinner?” He asked.
“If it’s alright with Chris. I mean, your wife invited me already, but I wouldn’t want to make anyone upset by bein’ here.”
He walked over and put his arm around me, dragging me into the kitchen with him. “Nonsense. This is a day of communion. We’d be glad to have you, ain’t that right, Christian?”
I turned and noticed that she’d followed us into the room. Her arms were crossed in the front of her chest as she smiled. It wasn’t her happy smile, but more her putting on a nice face to appease her parent’s kind of gesture. I hated that.
For a few minutes the family talked to Christian, pretty much leaving me there to sip on my fresh glass of sweet tea. I didn’t mind, since I’d missed being around. Every couple of seconds I’d catch Chris looking at me. I couldn’t tell if she was angry or curious. I’d always been so good at reading her, but something had changed, and it bothered me not to be able to put my finger on it.
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