“Ethan, if I don’t give you what you want, are you goin’ to go out and get it somewhere else?”
“Hell no! That’s somethin’ you’ll never have to worry about. You’re the only woman I want.”
She smiled shyly. “Okay.”
“Good. Now let’s get back to that kissin’.”
As much as I wished this night could be more, I appreciated bein’ able to stay with her. I needed this just as much as she did.
A little while later I lay still with Christian wrapped in my arms. We’d climbed into an oversized sleeping bag and zippered up to keep warm on this particularly chilly night. Even though the barn kept out the wind, it had no insulation to provide us with any type of comfort.
She slept so peacefully next to me. Her warm body nestled up against mine allowed me to be content. We didn’t need intercourse to take us to another level. We’d been sleeping together for years. There wasn’t an inch of her that I didn’t know. I would wait to have her again, because I knew it would be well worth it.
While she rested peacefully, I thought about what was to come, where we would live, and how our lives would intertwine. Chris knew my plans to keep my roots grounded on a farm. She’d accepted that I never wanted to live in a busy city. I wouldn’t have to worry about taking her away from her dreams, because we’d shared the same one for as long as I could remember.
While the crickets sang, and the moonlight sky moved about the horizon, I finally closed my eyes. Even if her father or brother came to kill me I’d die a satisfied man. God had given her to me, and I knew I’d never take that for granted again.
I couldn’t wait to wake up to her beautiful smile, every single day until I took my last breath. That’s how life was supposed to be; simple and kind. We’d want for nothing as long as we had each other.
Chapter 34
Christian
The sound of the rooster woke me up from a deep sleep. I realized right away that I was zippered in a blanket with Ethan. He opened his eyes noticing I was struggling to free myself. “You okay?”
“I’m about to pee my pants,” I admitted.
He chuckled and helped free me. An immediate chill overwhelmed me, causing me to cover my chest with my arms.
“Holy hell it’s freezin’,” he complained
“Let’s go inside. I’m sure my dad’s already up,” I suggested.
“I don’t know, Chris. Maybe I should head home for a bit.”
“Get up and come inside with me. I promise you’ll survive.”
When I started to march away he caught my arm, pulling me back against his chest. “Hold up. I think we should properly say good mornin’ before we go anywhere.” His lips found mine, and I closed my eyes, savoring the gesture.
“This feels right,” I admitted.
“Yeah, it sure does.”
I led Ethan inside of my parent’s house, spotting my dad as soon as we walked through the door. “Good mornin’,” he announced.
“Sir,” Ethan replied.
“It’s chilly out there. I thought you might end up inside last night.”
“I didn’t notice,” I admitted proudly.
Ethan was very quiet, acting as if he was about to piss off my dad. I was getting a kick out of it, so I grabbed his hand and began to pull him up the stairs. “Where are we goin’?” He whispered.
“To brush our teeth. Mom keeps extra toothbrushes for when family comes, in case they forget. There’s a container under the sink in the hall bathroom. Help yourself. I’m just goin’ to change my clothes and brush my hair.”
“Alright then.” He entered the bathroom, leaving me to walk to my room. My sister opened her door looking like she was still asleep. “Hey, Chris. You just gettin’ in?”
“Yeah,” I said proudly. “We slept in the barn.”
“I heard. Listen, I’m real sorry about what happened to you back at school. I feel like I should’ve been there for you and it hurts that I couldn’t. I messed up so bad. Dad and mom look at me like they don’t know what to do next. Noah’s not speakin’ to me because the wedding got postponed again. I feel like I can’t win. Anyway, I just want you to know that I’d trade places with you if I could. I envy your life, sis. You’re beautiful, intelligent, and you have Ethan, who’s crazy about you. I hope one day I can have that.”
I hugged my sister. “All that matters is that you’re home. I need you now. I need you to be well. We all do.”
“I don’t want to be that person anymore, Chris. I swear I don’t.”
“I’m not goin’ anywhere, Addy. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that the best place for us is here with our family. We can get through everything with their help. I promise.”
I didn’t like seeing my sister cry. I’d never known what it was like to be addicted to drugs. I wouldn’t understand the trials of withdrawals and the difficulties of bein’ around people after havin’ done so much wrong.
Despite the fact that we were different, we both needed the same kind of support. I’d be there for my sister, and she’d do the same for me. Together we could get through this.
Ethan met me in the hallway, but refused to come into my room when I changed. It was cute how worried he was about my father. Last night, before I’d come back out to the barn I’d given it to my dad straight.
He’d learned about Ethan sticking around, and how we’d made up. I think once he’d heard that he took a second to contain his concerns. With my mother’s assistance I was able to convince him that I was old enough to make my own decisions, and out of everything I’d ever done in my life, Ethan was always something I’d been serious about.
I think in some ways my current struggles helped him to be more lenient. In all honesty I never thought I’d see the day when he allowed any man to spend the night, even if we weren’t under his roof.
Ethan’s actions only reminded me how much he knew my family. He acted as if he was walking around on eggshells, and it was extremely amusing.
Once I’d changed my clothes and freshened up, I found my family, including my boyfriend, in the kitchen. My mom had prepared a large breakfast, and for the first time in a long time, she seemed happy.
My father kept pinching her butt when she walked by, winking when one of us would catch him. I placed my hand on Ethan’s leg once I’d sat down. He gave me this worried look, as if I was putting him in a lion’s den. I wanted to laugh, but respected his desire to stay in my dad’s good graces.
The five of us sat at our little kitchen table enjoying a meal together. I can’t even describe what it felt like to look around and see everyone in a good mood.
“This is nice,” I admitted.
“It is,” my mom agreed.
“We need to do this more often,” my father suggested. “Now let’s bow our heads and thank God for all he’s given us.”
“Can I do it, dad?” We all looked up to see Addy waiting for an answer.
My father got the biggest grimace on his face. It brought tears to my eyes as I watched him reacting to her request. “Go on, darlin’.”
While listening to my sister’s prayer, I silently thanked God for everything he’d given me. Mostly I thanked him for my second chance with Ethan, because somehow I knew his love would help me to heal.
Later that morning Ethan and I walked hand in hand out to the old willow tree, where most of us kids always liked to retreat to. The bright sky was shining through gaps in the trees, lighting the path to the clearing. Birds sang all around us, and it was the perfect definition of peaceful.
“It’s nice bein’ here with you, babe,” Ethan said as we continued on. “It makes me want to get done with school and come home. With what I’ve learned, I think I can increase our agriculture growth by fifty percent. Do you know what somethin’ like that could mean for my parent’s farm?”
“As a matter of fact, I do.”
He chuckled and pulled me closer. “Yeah, I guess you do.”
“I’ve been thinkin’ about school as
well. I’ve made my mind up about goin’ back. It’s probably a good idea if I put my last year on hold for a while. It’s just that even if I transferred, I’d have to leave home again. Right now this is the only place where I feel safe. My sister’s here and she needs me. I suppose there are a lot of reasons.”
“So if I were to take a plot of land from my parents and build a nice size house, would you consider movin’ a couple miles down the road, with me? It will be a while, so I don’t need an answer this minute.” His question was more than a dream come true for me. It meant forever.
“Yes.” There was no hesitation in my answer. “I would love to.”
We stopped walking and had another moment where we stared at one another. He took both of my hands and leaned forward to press his lips over mine. “I love you, Chris.”
“It makes me smile when you say that.”
“There’s somethin’ I think you should know. I meant to tell you about it last night, but we got a little lost in translation.”
“What is it?” I stepped back. “Is it bad?”
“You weren’t the only person that got attacked, babe.”
I began to worry, not about me, but whoever had been a victim. “How do you know that?”
“It’s a long damn story, but let’s just say I met someone who happened to be in a bad way. She told me about bein’ attacked, gettin’ pregnant, and losin’ her child.”
I thought I’d feel like I wasn’t alone. I assumed that if someone else ever stepped forward I’d be able to connect with them. All I felt for this person was sympathy.
I sank down to the ground listening as he told me who it was, and what had happened to her, before I even came into the picture. As he finished, he took my hand and kissed it. “I didn’t tell you this to upset you. I’m tellin’ you because I feel like maybe you could help each other. Amber’s not like the other girls, Chris. She’s got a soul, and she needs a friend. She tried to take her own life because of this asshole. Together maybe you’ll have enough to take him down.”
Amber, the one girl I’d felt the most connected to.
I wondered why she’d hadn’t told me the truth, not that it mattered now. There was nothing anyone could do to change the past.
“If she wanted to press charges she could have a long time ago. You’re right. I would like to talk to her, because I think we could help each other, but I’m not interested in doin’ anything else. I want to put this all in the past, especially since I have a reason to work toward a future. Can you understand that?”
He nodded. “Yeah. I get it.”
“I have faith that he’ll get what’s comin’ to him. In the meantime I’m not goin’ to let his actions hold me back. Everyday I’m makin’ progress, and now I’ve got goals I want to achieve.”
“Do you want to tell me about them?” He asked.
“How about I show you?” I pulled him along until we reached the old willow tree. Once we fell down underneath it, we immediately embraced in a deep kiss. Slowly, to make sure I was ready for what I was about to do, I let my hand slip down in his pants. It wasn’t surprising what I felt inside, but it was how my body naturally reacted to being in this situation with the man I’d always loved.
They say that time heals all wounds. I’d like to think that saying is true. I definitely wasn’t healed, not all the way. I had a long journey before I could claim that victory. For now I was prepared to gradually make progress with intimacy again, one kiss at a time.
Chapter 35
Christian
When the next Thursday rolled around I couldn’t wait to tell my doctor how Ethan was back in my life. While he was at school, getting his work done before Thanksgiving break, I strolled into her office feeling like I could conquer the world.
I think she knew before I even sat down that something was different with me. I watched her give me a once over. “I can already tell you’ve made progress since our last meet.”
I crossed my legs and prepared to shock her. “Well, Ethan came back in my life this week, and he’s in love with me. All this time he said he’s loved me. I still can hardly believe it myself, but he’s been over to the house every day after school, and he spent the whole past weekend with me.”
She jotted something down like usual. “I see. How does it make you feel to have him back in your life?”
“I feel whole again. It’s like I know I’m goin’ to be okay, because I have my best friend by my side.”
“What about intimacy?”
Immediately I felt uncomfortable. “What about it?”
“You’ve had a sexual relationship with Ethan for years, so naturally one would expect that to start back up. Have you attempted to be intimate with Ethan since he’s been back?”
I looked down, as if she’d detected my conflicts right away. “We mess around and kiss all the time. He’s gentle with me. I know he’ll wait as long as it takes me.”
“How do you feel when you’re with him?”
“Obviously happy.”
“No. How do you feel when things start to become intense? Do you withdraw or does he?”
I twiddled my fingers. “I suppose it’s me. Sometimes he tells me to slow down. Ethan’s good like that.”
“Are you frightened by the idea of being with a man again?”
“Should I be?”
She looked up from her desk and dropped her pen down. I watched as her hands folded together. “I can’t answer that for you, Christian. Every patient manages trauma differently. I’ve had some patients that were victims who took years to overcome their complexities. Others prevail quite easily, going back to the life they had before they suffered their experience.”
“Is it possible that my love for Ethan is so strong that I’m able to move on so soon?”
“What do you think?” Sometimes I hated how shrinks turned things around. Why couldn’t they say what they meant, instead of making us solve some crazy mind game? “I think that when I’m alone with Ethan I want to take things to the next level, because it’s always been special. It’s a happy place for me. When I’m with Ethan, I don’t think about that night. Does that sound weird?”
“I think you won’t know until you try. It sounds like Ethan’s willing to be patient if you need him to. Why don’t you discuss it more with him. I know sometimes spontaneity is enjoyable. I’d make your first encounter a planned one. Set a date and work your way to it. If it doesn’t work out then we’ll know what we have to focus on.”
For the next hour I told the doctor my concerns. My fear was that I’d get halfway done with the deed and freak out. Perhaps I’d watched too many movies where girls acted that way. When I was alone I did think about that night, but I also thought about all of the other women who had it so much worse than me. Seth wasn’t a stranger. Even though I hated the mere mention of his name, I was making progress with being able to move past it.
When I left her office I felt better. It wasn’t like Ethan would walk away if I wanted him to go slow. I was fully aware that the final piece of being able to move forward would depend on this act. As much as I feared it, a part of me looked ahead to the new and improved relationship that I finally had with my best friend. Knowing he loved me had only given me the strength I required to pull it off. I was going to overcome this obstacle, because out of the evilness that besieged me, I knew I could see the light.
Since I had plans to meet Ethan back at the ranch, I didn’t waste time heading home. My eagerness to be with him wasn’t just to overcome obstacles. Every ounce of me wanted to be close to him, because even though I had issues with intimacy, I still felt the safest in his arms.
It wasn’t surprising to find my cousins arriving. My stomach knotted up at the mere thought of approaching them with my doctor’s suggestions. The last thing I needed was to hear them ridicule me to pieces.
With a steady focus I walked toward them, fearing whatever was to come out of their smart mouths. Jax spotted me first, just as he helped a female step
out from the back seat. “Chris, you’re just in time to meet my girl. This is Reese.” I looked at the brunette, petite girl, with light colored eyes that may or may not have been gray, and smiled, even though I wondered what she was doing with my crazy cousin.
Then, before I could greet her, he cut in between us and wrapped his arms around me. I couldn’t for the life of me reciprocate. This was something that had never occurred before. I mean, my mom probably had pictures of when we were kids, but this wasn’t like that. “Are you ill?” I teased.
“I heard what happened, Chris,” he whispered in my ear. “I know you’ve got a brother, but if you need me to kick some ass I’d be glad to.”
I pulled away, wondering how I was supposed to react. “Thanks, but I’m just tryin’ to move forward.”
“I can tell. You look great.”
His girlfriend interrupted the compliment. “When you said she was pretty you didn’t do her justice. Girl, you are gorgeous!”
I was taken aback by her statement. My cheeks immediately became flustered. “Thanks, but you’re too nice. Jax would never say that about me.”
She looked back at him, and then toward me again. “No, really. He talks about you and your sister Addison all the time. You’re stunning. I’m surprised you don’t model. With your figure you could go places.”
All of the sudden I felt modest. My arms hugged my sweater across my chest, and I searched for what to say next.
Jax put his arm around me at the same time his brother Jake approached us. He too leaned down and hugged me. “How’re you doin’?”
I shrugged. “Did my mom put you up to this?”
“What?” Jake looked confused. “No. We talked about what happened to you on the way here. All fun aside, you’re our cousin. Neither of us wants to see you hurt.”
Reese walked over to the car and began pulling out her bags. I made sure I spoke so she couldn’t hear me. “I thought you guys hated me.”
They both laughed, as if my comment was preposterous.
Christian Mitchell Page 21