An Accidental Family

by Ami Weaver

The pain broke over her again. Every time the wave wore her down a little more. She took a shaky breath and took the bag from Beth.

  “I know this is so hard for you. Can I do anything, Laine? I know I keep asking, but—” Beth broke off. “It’s so awful to see you like this. Can you call him? See if you can work it out?”

  Lainey managed a little smile. She knew she didn’t need to pretend around Beth, but she was hoping to fool herself into thinking it wasn’t as painful as she thought. “It didn’t end in a way I can actually fix. He’s got—he’s got issues that only he can resolve. And he has to be ready to do that. I can’t make him ready.” And there was also the simple but excruciating fact she didn’t actually know if he loved her.

  Beth leaned forward. “I’ve seen him look at you, Laine. That man is in love with you.”

  “Maybe. But he never said the words, Beth.” Her eyes burned with tears she did not want to shed in public. “I think he’d love me, if he could. But I don’t really know. He knows how I feel.” She took a shaky breath and tried to smile, even though it failed to actually form. “So I’m going to try to move on.”

  If only it was that easy.

  “Oh, honey. I’m so sorry.” Beth glanced back as the back doorbell buzzed. “Eat that. I’ll get the delivery.”

  She left and Lainey opened the bag and removed the muffin, centering it on a napkin. She’d been through the whole thing over and over. No use going over it all for the umpteenth time. The story of a broken heart was as old as time. She’d manage to survive.

  But it was a huge hole in her heart. She missed him. Missed what they’d never really had a chance to have. Missed what might have been.

  That was almost as dangerous.

  She broke off a small bite of muffin. Normally it was one of her favorite treats. It would take her all morning to eat it, because today she could probably eat the bag it came in and not notice any difference in taste. But Beth was right. She needed to feed the baby.

  The front door chimed and Lainey’s idiotically optimistic heart kicked, then crashed. It hadn’t been Ben yet, and this time was no different. A smiling man approached the counter, wanting a dozen roses for his wife. Lainey put them together with a smile, but her heart ached.

  “Thank you,” he said as she handed him the roses wrapped in green and pink paper. “She’s worth every rose you’ve got in your store. But I can only afford a dozen today.”

  Lainey gave a little laugh, but a little spear of sorrow pierced her heart. If things had been different would Ben have said the same about her? “She’s a lucky woman.”

  He winked as he slid his wallet in his pocket. “Nah. I’m the lucky one.”

  Whistling, he walked out, and Lainey watched him go with a heavy heart. People clearly could make love work. Some of them overcame crazy stuff to be together.

  And some of them couldn’t.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  BEN STOOD IN front of the little white bungalow, with its cozy front porch and dormant rose bushes. A house not too different from the one Lainey lived in. Pumpkins on the front steps. Fake spiderweb on the porch. Like almost every other house on the block.

  But this one belonged to Callie and Jason. Well, just Callie now. He swallowed hard at the thought.

  He’d come to finally make amends—something he should have done months ago.

  The front door flew open and Callie stood there, the baby—who wasn’t really a baby anymore—on her hip. She looked at him steadily and his heart thumped in his chest as he started up the walk towards her.

  “Callie.” He swallowed, the words suddenly seeming inadequate. “I’m—”

  “If you say you’re sorry, Ben Lawless, you cannot take another step and come in this house.” Eyes blazing, Callie stepped out on the porch.

  Confusion stopped him in his tracks more than her threat. “What?”

  “You heard me.” She jerked her head toward the door and her coppery curls bounced on her shoulders. “Come in. We need to talk and it’s cold out here.”

  He followed her into the house, the reminder of Jason not as physical a punch as it would have been a few weeks ago. The oldest boy, Eli, who was three, looked at him out of his father’s eyes and smiled his father’s smile.

  “Hey, buddy.” Ben bent down and accepted the hug the little boy offered. His heart squeezed. He’d do better by Jason’s kids if Callie would let him. He’d love to see them grow up—maybe play with Lainey’s baby if she would forgive him.

  “Have a seat.” Callie nodded at the table which held a basket of crayons and a stack of coloring books. “Let me get them set up for a little while.” To the kids she said, “How about Bob the Builder?” A chorus of yeses followed her words and soon cheery music wafted from the living room. She returned to stand across from him, her posture stiff.

  “They’ll be good for a bit now. Can I get you a drink?”

  He shook his head. “Ah, no. Thanks. Callie—”

  “No.” She gave a sharp shake of her head, splayed her hands on the table and leaned forward. “You listen to me first—okay, Ben? I can’t believe you stayed away for so long. It wasn’t your fault. Jason did not die because of you.”

  Ben closed his eyes. While rationally he knew she was right that Jason had not died because of him—and a hard-won victory that was—being here, with Jason’s young widow, he could still smell the smoke, hear the roar of the flames crackling in the back of his mind. It gave him a bad moment.

  “I know that. It took me far too long to figure it out. I want to apologize for staying away so long. I never meant to. And I am terribly sorry for the loss of your husband and my friend.”

  “Thank you. That’s an apology I will accept,” Callie whispered. She threaded her fingers together. “While I know Jason for the most part followed the rules—he didn’t want to be careless—he was at heart a risk-taker. Once he realized what had happened to you there was no stopping him.” She took a shaky breath and Ben met her gaze, seeing the sadness in her green eyes. “He didn’t think, Ben. That’s the thing. He just acted. They told me—after—they told me they couldn’t stop him. Nothing could have. He loved you like a brother.”

  “It was mutual.” It was true. And he knew Callie was right about her husband. In a potential do-or-die situation there wasn’t time to stand around and waffle about what action to take. He and Jason had both done the only thing they could do in the moment. If the situation had been reversed he would have done the same thing.

  So many people said they’d walk through fire for their loved ones. Jason had actually done it.

  The kids’ laughter caused Callie to turn her head in their direction. She pulled out a chair and sank down into it. “I’ve been mad as hell,” she said quietly. “But not at you. Or at least not about this. For staying away—that’s something else entirely. Jason loved risk. I knew when I married him—well, I knew. I never thought it’d end like this, but it did.” She tipped her head toward the living room. “And now they don’t have a daddy. Jason didn’t leave us on purpose. He wouldn’t let you accept responsibility for his choices any more than you would have let him.”

  “I know that now,” he said. “It took me a while to get there—longer than it should have. Callie—again, I am sorry. Sorrier than you know for your loss, for the boys’ loss. Someone helped me see how blind I’ve been. It’s been at your expense. I’m sorry.” Lainey had been right when she’d said Jason hadn’t given up his life so Ben could ignore his own.

  Callie reached over and squeezed his hand, the sheen of tears in her green eyes. “Thank you for that. Please, don’t be a stranger in our lives. You are such a valuable link to Jason, and I’d like the boys to know you. You can help them understand what their daddy was like as a firefighter.”

  “I will,” he promised, relieved that the thought didn’t fill h
im with the kind of pain he’d been accustomed to. The lightening of the load was an amazing thing, and while the apology he’d made had helped, it was Lainey who’d shown him the way.

  He pulled Callie in for a hug. She hugged him back, then patted his chest.

  “Who’s the someone? She must be awfully special if you finally came to see me.”

  “Ah...” Uncomfortable, he looked into the living room, where the boys played with trucks and watched the movie. “She pointed out a few things to me that I’d been missing.”

  Callie gave a little laugh. “Well, I like her already. When can I meet her?”

  He met her gaze. “Well, about that...”

  Her eyes went to slits. “Oh, no. What did you do?”

  Was he so transparent? He scrubbed his hand over his face, then gave her an abridged version of events and didn’t cut himself any slack.

  “Do you love her?”

  “I do.” There was no hesitation.

  She gave him a small shove toward the door. “Then why are you still here? What you need to do is go back and see if she’ll still have you.” She gave him another little shove, her voice urgent. “Ben. You’ve got to go see if you can make it work. Don’t waste any more time. You never know how much of it you have.”

  “I know. It’s where I’m going next. Now I know—” He stopped, about to add, what you and Jason had. It seemed somehow cruel to bring it up.

  But Callie nodded and smiled—a small smile, with tears in her eyes. “Yes. Now you know.”

  “I’ve got to go,” he said. “I had to be sure you were okay.”

  “I’m hanging in there,” she said softly. “It hasn’t been easy, but I’m doing my best. I’ll miss him every day for the rest of my life. But I knew my husband, Ben. I know how he was. I know who he was. And he’s a hero.”

  “Yeah, he is.” He drew her into another hug, rocked her back and forth. “Thanks, Callie.”

  She hugged him back tightly. “Go get her. Good luck.”

  “I will. And, God knows, I’ll need it.”

  He left the house, with Callie standing on the porch, arms crossed against the cold, and drove away. He pointed the truck north, toward Holden’s Crossing. Time to put the beginning of the rest of his life in motion. If Lainey would have him.

  There was only one way to find out.

  * * *

  Lainey had shoved the last of the clothes in the dryer when she heard a knock on the kitchen door. It was seven-thirty on a rainy night. Who could possibly be stopping over this late? She trudged up the stairs and peeked out the peephole.

  And gasped.

  Ben stood there, rain glistening on his jacket. She blinked. Was it really him? Or was her mind playing tricks on her?

  He knocked again and she jumped, her shaking hands making a fumbling hash of the lock and the knob. Ben. Why was he here? Could she take any more heartbreak? She was afraid the answer to that was no.

  She swung the door open and simply drank him in. His intense gaze settled on her and she saw pain and longing there. Hope surged a little bit, but she tamped it down. He looked tired, and stress lines bracketed his mouth. Not for the first time she wanted to reach up and smooth them away.

  “Lainey. Can I come in? I’ll understand if you say no.” His voice was a low rumble and she stepped to the side quickly, her heart hammering so hard she was afraid he’d hear it.

  “Of course. I was just surprised.” She shut the door behind him and turned to face him. As glad as she was to see him, a little anger flared. She welcomed it. She needed it to keep her distance from him until she knew why he was here. “Since you were pretty clear the other day that we weren’t going to work out.” She couldn’t quite keep the bitterness out of her voice.

  He let out a long exhale. The misery etched on his face echoed that in her heart. “I know. I’m sorry. I need to talk to you.”

  “I see. Well, come on in.” Without waiting to see if he’d follow, she walked through the kitchen into the living room. She sat on a chair near the fireplace and wound her hands tightly together. The heat of the fire did nothing to soothe her nerves.

  He didn’t follow right away, but a thump from the kitchen area indicated he was probably removing his boots. A few seconds later he appeared and she had a hard time breathing. He seemed to fill the small space and absorb all the oxygen.

  She gestured to the chair across from her. “Please sit.”

  He did, and she tried not to notice when he looked at her with a tenderness that nearly undid her. “Lainey. God, you’re gorgeous.”

  She kept her gaze on his steady, even though she felt anything but steady inside. How could he say that? She’d barely slept and had no appetite. She was a mess, not to mention an emotional wreck. “Thank you.” She didn’t know what to say, what to ask. There was so much to say, really, she didn’t know where to begin.

  But, since he’d more or less rejected her, she’d let him talk first. He knew where she stood. She’d laid it out for him the other day in the garage. It was past time she could say the same about him.

  He dropped his gaze, leaned forward and rested his forearms on his thighs. The awkwardness grew as he seemed to gather his thoughts. She watched the firelight dance on his dark hair. Finally, too tightly wound to wait, she gave in. She needed to know.

  “Ben, why are you here?”

  He looked up. “Should I be?”

  The question threw her. “I don’t know.” Her voice dropped to a whisper. “You made it clear the other day you couldn’t choose me.” Despite her earlier flare of anger, she couldn’t muster any heat in the words, only pain.

  He took a deep breath and sat back. Her traitor cat came and wound around his ankles. She frowned at Panda, but of course the cat ignored her. Ben reached down to stroke his hand down Panda’s back. “I was pretty screwed up, Lainey. In a lot of ways. I’ve still got work to do. I don’t know when I’ll be able to work again.” He looked up and in his gaze she saw pain and something else. Her heart picked up. “You’re going to be a mom. You need a guy who’s stable. I can barely take care of myself. How could I take care of a family?”

  “So you pushed me away,” she said, unable to keep the hurt from her voice. She focused on the traitor cat at his feet.

  He leaned forward and laid a hand on her arm, forcing her startled gaze to his. “I did. I thought it was better for you. I wanted to protect you,” he admitted. “But you just kind of worked your way in and I started wanting more. A lot more. After you left the other day I realized how blind I’d been. I made an appointment with a counselor. And there was one last thing I needed to do.”

  “Callie?” she said softly.

  He nodded. “I went and talked to Callie. Not for permission to move on, but because you were right. She was angry—but not for the reasons I thought. She was mad because she felt I’d abandoned her and the kids. She never blamed me. But even if I’d known that I’m not sure it would have made a difference.”

  His eyes were wet as he looked at Lainey and her heart broke for him.

  “I blamed myself fully. But there were things that night that were out of my control, out of his control. I can’t bring him back. But the way I’ve been living is no way to honor my best friend. Jason would kick my ass.”

  A surprised laugh bubbled out of her. “He sounds like a true friend.”

  Ben smiled. “He was. I wish you could have known him. He’d have liked you.”

  Tears stung her eyes. “I wish I could have, too. But—”

  His smile turned sad. “But that’s not how it is. I hope I can convince you to meet Callie, though. I think you’ll like her. And the kids.”

  She circled back to the fact that had surprised her. “You saw a counselor?”

  Ben nodded. “Well, not yet. The appointment is next
week. Monday. One of the terms of coming off leave is I need to get a mental health exam, I guess you’d call it. I need to know—and my captain needs to know—I won’t flashback and freeze the next time I go out on a call.”

  She swallowed hard. That didn’t sound as if he was going to stay here. “Ah. Will it work?”

  He gave her a crooked smile. “I don’t know. I hope so. I’d like to be cleared in a month or so. I want to go back to work.”

  “That’s great, Ben.” She meant it. But, really, did the man have to drive all the way back here to tell her this? That he wouldn’t be back, after all? A phone call would have given her a little more dignity. “Well, I’m sure they’ll be thrilled to have you back.”

  Something in her tone must have given her away, because he looked at her quizzically. “They won’t.”

  She stared at him for a moment, not comprehending. “But you just said—”

  “I know,” he interrupted her. “But you’re jumping to conclusions. I won’t be working in Grand Rapids. I’ll be here. Or almost here. In Traverse City. Holden’s Crossing is close enough I can live here. The job—it’s time-consuming and there’s always risk.”

  Her heart beat faster. Had he really just said what she thought she’d heard? “Oh,” she said. “Here?”

  Instead of answering right away, he came to his knees on the floor in front of her and cautiously laid his hand on her rounded belly. “I know it hasn’t been that long,” he murmured, “but I missed you. Both of you.”

  Lainey laid her hand on his and held her breath. She didn’t trust herself to speak. She was afraid to ask the question, more afraid of the answer.

  He slid a cold hand around the back of her neck and pulled her down toward him. “I love you,” he whispered. “I love both of you. I missed you. So much.” Then he kissed her, soft at first, then with more urgency.

  “I love you, too,” she whispered against his mouth. “Ben—”

  He sat back and ran one hand down the side of her face. Her heart lifted at the reverence and love on his face. “So, to answer your question, yes. Here. In this house, if you want. I want to be your husband and a father to this baby. I know it’s short notice, and I’ve been an idiot, and—damn it—I don’t have a ring and you might not be ready—”