Spice

by Jenna Jameson

  “Why is this woman begging you not to press charges?” Liz squirmed free and backed away from him. A roaring in her head sounded like a freight train barreling toward her. She almost wanted to put her hands over ears to block out what was coming.

  “I did a dumb thing,” Sabrina said. “I don’t want to go to jail.”

  “I’m not going to press charges,” Sean said, turning back to Sabrina. “It was a mistake. On both our parts.”

  “What did you do?” Liz forced out. Her stomach was in knots. She couldn’t handle another blow to her happiness.

  “Sean was going to do a por—movie,” Brian substituted, after noticing Jonathan was all ears. “With Sabrina. It was with an indie that had ulterior motives. I busted in and stopped it before anything happened.”

  “Nothing was going to happen. I was only there to . . .” Sean started to explain, but Sarah elbowed him hard in the ribs.

  “Jonathan,” Sarah said brightly. “Let’s go in your room and play video games with the headsets on.”

  “What’s going on?” Jonathan looked around the room.

  Liz’s heart broke for him. He really liked Sean.

  I really liked Sean, too.

  “Jonathan, please go with Sarah.” Liz didn’t think she was going to be able to handle this right now. She felt a freak out coming on and she didn’t want Jonathan to see it.

  “Okay,” he said, taking Sarah’s hand.

  When Jonathan’s door closed, everyone exhaled at once. Liz got her breath back first and rounded on Sean. “You were going to sleep with her?” She pointed to Sabrina.

  Sabrina was everything Liz wasn’t. Young, lithe, with taught skin and round, full breasts straining out of her scoop-neck sweater. Liz could easily see her splayed out on the bed with Sean’s face buried between her . . .

  “No,” Sean said.

  Liz snapped out of her hurtful daydream. It had seemed so real. For a moment, she’d been on the stage, feeling the lights and the noise of the crew. Only she had been an observer and very much aware of being an outcast.

  “And he didn’t,” Sabrina said, pushing her long, honey blonde hair out of her eyes. “He just got naked for the director.”

  “Not helping,” Sean told her with a vicious glare.

  Sabrina shrugged and sank into the couch.

  Liz looked between the two of them. There was a dynamic, a charisma, that the director would have loved. He was all fierce and dominant, and Sabrina could obviously project a waif-like innocence. Liz didn’t buy her act for a minute. She could tell by the calculated looks Sabrina was flicking around the room that she was deciding how best to play this scene. Sweetheart, this is not the audience you were expecting.

  Peter was literally gaping. At least he was sitting down, because otherwise Liz thought he’d be in danger of spilling his Evian all over the place. She wanted to stand next to him and watch the drama play out. Unfortunately, she was center stage.

  Honey sailed in. “Sorry, I’m late. Traffic was dreadful.” She peeled off her scarf. “Oh, we have some new faces.”

  Peter patted the couch next to him. “Have a seat, Honey. I’ll catch you up later.”

  Brian put a supportive hand on Sabrina’s shoulder. “She thought Sean would be the perfect leading man, but not for the reasons you think.”

  I just bet she did.

  Sabrina might be warming Brian’s bed, but Liz could see she had some interest in Sean.

  “This was what you were trying to tell me?” Liz cried. “That you were getting back into the industry?”

  “No. I was trying to tell you . . .” His eyes were clamped closed.

  “Go away. Leave me alone,” she said. She didn’t want to hear the words. She didn’t want to hear him say that he missed the sexual thrill or the power play or even the money. Liz had thought he was at the same point in his life that she was, and it blew her away that she let her hormones blind her to the fact. He was sexy and marketable. She should have known better. “I want you out of my apartment. Out of my life.”

  Sean’s eyes flew open. She registered shock, hurt, and sadness, but she didn’t care.

  “I can’t have Jonathan around this lifestyle anymore,” Liz crossed her arms over her chest. “Not to mention I lost my scholarship to NYU because some asshole sent my advisor a copy of one of my movies. I’m trying to get them to accept me again. If they find out I’m dating a porn actor, my hopes are shot.”

  “I’m not a porn actor,” Sean half laughed. “You don’t understand.”

  No, she understood. She heard all the excuses before. I only do one film a year or It’s only part time, until I can get back on my feet, or I only work with people I know. Liz shook her head. “I can’t believe it. I thought you and I, well, that we had something. That we were on the same page.” Liz heard her voice start to shake and she clamped her lips shut.

  “Liz, we do have something.” He took a step toward her. She backed away from him.

  “Not if you can take a job screwing other women. There was a time when I could accept that type of relationship, but I can’t now. Now, I think it’s cheating.”

  “I never touched her,” Sean said, flinging his hand at Sabrina.

  “He didn’t,” Sabrina said.

  “Would you both get out of my apartment? Brian, you stay.”

  “Liz, I know you’re upset. And you have every right to be, but not about this.” Sean gestured between Sabrina and himself. “There are things I need to tell you.”

  “Maybe,” she said, wiping her eyes on her sleeve. “But I don’t need to hear them. Now I know why I didn’t want you meet the FATE group. I should have trusted my instincts. Deep down, I knew you weren’t ready to leave the industry.”

  “That’s absurd,” Sean said. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” His hands balled into fists.

  How dare he get mad at me.

  “Why are you both still here?” Liz pointed toward the door.

  “Sorry, baby.” Sabrina kissed Brian on the cheek and slunk out. Liz couldn’t decide if she wanted to applaud or throw her shoe. Sabrina was all sulky kitten.

  “Liz, if you just give me a chance . . .” Sean stepped toward her again, but Peter was suddenly between them.

  “Now’s not the time,” Peter said, putting a hand on Sean’s elbow and tugging him away from her. “Tomorrow is another day.”

  Liz shook her head. “Don’t call me. I’ll call you when I’m ready. But don’t hold your breath.”

  “Fine.” Sean allowed Peter to lead him out.

  Liz lasted until Peter closed the door on him and then she sunk down to the floor.

  “Liz, I’m so sorry,” Brian said. “But I’m confused.”

  “Join the club.” Liz buried her head in her elbow and sobbed.

  “You said Sean was a boxer and an ex-stripper.” Brian sat down next to her and slung an arm around her.

  “I don’t want to talk about him right now,” Liz said. “I am at the end of my rope.” Her head was throbbing. It seemed like everything was going wrong. What was next? Cancer coming back? She groaned.

  “Brian, this isn’t important. Not now,” Peter said.

  “I think it is. You need to know that Sabrina was setting Sean up for a blackmail tape.”

  “Blackmail for what?” Liz pushed herself away from him and got to her feet. Where the hell were her tissues? She spotted them on top of the television armoire and grabbed a handful.

  “This is where I’m missing something. The man that just walked out of here is Desiree Jones’s brother,” Brian said. “She’s one of the actresses I used to film.”

  Liz held up her hand. “You knew Sean’s sister, professionally?”

  Brian nodded.

  That would have meant she did lesbian porn. Sean’s Catholic parents hadn’t known she was a stripper, let alone a porn actress. “Sabrina was blackmailing Sean into not telling his parents about his sister? That sucks. But it doesn’t change the fact he was lookin
g for work.”

  “Sit down.” Brian sat next to her on the sofa.

  “I’m so stupid,” Liz lamented.

  “You’re not stupid.” Peter put his arm around her.

  “It sounds like Sean was lying to you. That doesn’t make you stupid. That makes him a ratfink.” Honey’s small frame shook with outrage.

  “I’m still trying to sort all of this out,” Brian said. “Sabrina does a lot of drugs. I don’t think even she knows what she does. I never really knew how messed up she was until this week. She gave the director my number as a possible cameraman—not that I’d ever do it. But then she called me and I didn’t like the sound of the operation. Strictly amateur hour. So I went to the hotel and it was a setup. They were going to film Sean and Sabrina and then bleed him for drugs.”

  “Sean isn’t a drug dealer.” Liz blew her nose. He was a lot of things, but she knew he wasn’t that.

  “He has access to them. Desiree always called her brother Doc when she talked about him because he worked in a clinic and was going for his PhD.”

  Sabrina called him that too when she walked in. Liz shook her head. “Sean is an undergrad and he works at a gym part time helping kids.”

  “I think that’s a lie,” Brian said. “Sabrina’s been to his office. Spoke to his advisor nurse. Sabrina figured it was an easy way to get drugs.”

  “She sounds wretched, Brian,” Honey frowned. “You deserve much better than that.”

  “I’m not defending her actions. She was high. She thought Sean would be into it.”

  Honey gave an unladylike snort.

  “In her mind, Sean was lucky enough to do a porn with her and all he had to do was hand over some drugs. Wouldn’t cost him a dime. Like I said, her head’s not on straight.”

  Liz couldn’t care less at the moment about Sabrina and her motivations. This whole dual life thing that Sean supposedly led was making her head spin.

  “He still went to audition for a film.” That was the unforgivable part. After spending a wonderful night in her bed, Sean got up the next morning and immediately was ready to have a go at some sexy, young thing who didn’t have any hang ups or inhibitions.

  Brian got up to pace the room. “Sabrina said he was torn up about his sister’s death, that he wanted to know what drove her to the drug overdose that killed her.”

  Liz nodded. Sean’s agony over his sister was too real to have been faked.

  “I think he went there out of curiosity and then got in over his head.” Brian crouched down next to her so he could look her in the eye. “He’s a liar. But he’s not a cheat.”

  “Well, that’s a stunning recommendation,” Honey said.

  “I still don’t know why he lied to begin with,” Liz said in a small voice. “Did he think I was stupid? Was it fun for him to role-play with the porn star and then go back to his academic life?”

  That was almost worse—to think he was laughing about her to his friends. She was nothing but a lab rat to him. What happens if we put the cheese down this maze? Only the cheese in his case was his cock. Fury whipped through her, burning out the sadness.

  Peter knelt at her feet and took his hands in hers. “You’re not stupid. He’s not worthy of you. Forget him.”

  “Easier said than done,” she said. It was easier to be angry than sad. Anger was empowering. She was going to be empowered by this situation.

  Looking over her shoulder to confirm Jonathan’s door was still closed, she said, “Boy, is Sarah going to be pissed she missed this.” Something broke inside her, shattering into little pieces. She thought it must be her heart. But she had to soldier forth. She had her breakdown. It was time to put that on the back burner. “What am I going to tell Jonathan? And you,” Liz said to Brian. “What are you doing with that horrible woman?”

  Brian shrugged. “I love her.”

  “She’s a drug addict, a reckless porn actress, and a blackmailer.” Honey ticked off the items on her fingers.

  “No one’s perfect.”

  Liz gave a watery chuckle.

  “Besides, when we’re together, she makes me feel complete.” Brian smiled. “We can work on everything else.”

  “You’re a better man than me,” Peter said. “I’d like to bang both their heads together for hurting Liz.”

  “Brian, do you think Sabrina is the one who has been sending my DVDs all over the place?” Liz asked.

  Brian shook his head. “She doesn’t even know who you are. I figured if she fit in with the group, she’d find out then.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Positive. If you weren’t at last year’s AVN convention, she doesn’t think you exist.”

  Holly poured the tea and handed Liz a cup. “You lost your scholarship, huh?”

  Liz accepted it, gratefully. The fragrant brew soothed her with its warmth and familiarity. “It’s been a bad week.”

  “Do you think Sean’s been doing it?” Holly asked. “These DVDs never showed up until he arrived. He knows where you live and knows the campus.”

  “Why would he be so cruel?” Liz’s lips were quivering again. She had to put the teacup down before she dropped it.

  “Maybe he wanted revenge for his sister?” Holly helped her bring the cup to the table.

  “I didn’t even know his sister. That’s just . . . it’s too horrible to think about.” Liz had opened up to him and, if this was true, he deliberately sent her movie to her advisor and he might as well have punched her in the kidneys.

  Chapter Sixteen

  It had only been three days, but they were the longest, emptiest days of his life. Even the first few days after Mary Katherine’s death didn’t feel this bad. Sean was going through the motions, putting on a façade for the world, only the part he was playing wasn’t stripper/boxer; it was himself. He didn’t like it. He missed Liz in little ways, like when he saw a funny sign he wanted to send her a picture of so she’d laugh, or when he was alone in his bed, or pretty much every other time of the day.

  He called, but it went to voice mail. He sent a text and it was ignored. Sean stopped trying. He spent hours composing a long email explaining everything. But in the end, he deleted it, unsent. It seemed too selfish to give his side without her input. Besides, the last thing he wanted her to think was that he was stalking her. He went through every last bit of that conversation, analyzing every sentence and beat. He should have interrupted and talked over her—anything so that she didn’t think he would ever sleep with someone else the morning after they made love, that we would cheat on her.

  She hated him for all the wrong reasons.

  What does it matter? She hates me and I deserve it.

  When Sean’s phone rang, his stupid heart started to pound, thinking it was Liz. Even if she was calling to tell him off, he wanted to hear her voice and try again to tell her the truth.

  I fucked up.

  I love you.

  But it was a number he didn’t recognize. Sean answered it anyway. “Yeah?”

  “Is this Sean O’Malley?” a woman with a trace of an Irish accent asked. One of his mother’s friends? He couldn’t peg the age.

  “Who wants to know?” He pressed the print button for his mainframe download. Sean was looking at a long day of analysis. The prospect didn’t thrill him as much as it usually did.

  “My name is Laverne. I was your sister’s lover.”

  She said it quietly, with dignity and with a hint of challenge in her voice, as if she expected him to argue.

  “I’m so glad you called. Can you meet for coffee?” Life began stirring in him again.

  “Why don’t you come over for dinner tonight around five? I made lasagna. Your sister said it was your favorite.”

  Words choked him, but he managed to get one out: “Okay.”

  She gave him her address and then hung up. He stared at it. Chelsea—Hell’s Kitchen prior to renovation—the same neighborhood where his sister lived, although a nicer area if he recalled correctly. Sean wiped his ar
m across his desk to dump all the paperwork into his backpack and hurried home to shower and shave.

  At 4:59, the doorman let him into a large apartment building and keyed the elevator that led straight up to the apartment. Laverne was waiting for him. She had strawberry blonde curls down past her shoulders and a spattering of freckles across her nose. Pale green eyes assessed him as he handed her a double magnum bottle of cabernet sauvignon.

  “What if I didn’t like wine?” she asked with a faint smile and a hint of Irish in her voice.

  “That’s for me. I don’t know what you’re drinking,” he said.

  “Oh no, you have to share. Let me take your coat.”

  Sean shrugged out of his leather jacket and handed it to her. Looking around as she hung up his coat and brought the wine to the small table set up in the living room, he saw it was a well-furnished two bedroom apartment with a view of Midtown.

  “Here, let me,” he said when he noticed she was struggling with the corkscrew.

  He opened the bottle and poured two full glasses.

  “We should let this breathe,” she said. “Are you hungry?”

  “A little.” He took a deep breath. “It smells really good in here.”

  Following her into the kitchen, he stared at the pictures on the refrigerator while she checked on the lasagna. There were a few of Mary Katherine mugging for the camera. He swallowed hard, but a tremulous smile formed. Touching the one where she was giving duck lips at some nightclub, he wondered if Sabrina had taken that picture seconds before they ran out on the men liquoring them up.

  “Has Sabrina been around?”

  Laverne shuddered. “I don’t have anything to do with the toxic little bitch. She’s a drama factory. If drama doesn’t exist, she’ll manufacture it. Desiree and Sabrina often worked together. Sometimes, we all hung out. I tolerated her for Des’s sake, but now it’s just too much effort to remain in contact with her.”

  Sean could understand. Sabrina was a bit of a nightmare. He ran his hand through his hair and pointed to a picture of Mary Katherine and Laverne with chef hats on. They were in an industrial kitchen, all sparkling stainless steel.

  Laverne was watching him, her eyes shiny with tears. “We took some cooking classes at Le Cordon Bleu. We were pretty good.” She wiped her face with the kitchen towel. “We were going to have you over for dinner. It just never happened.”