Chasing Hope

by Nancy Stopper

  When Maddie received the text, her head snapped up and a smile graced her beautiful face. A response flashed on his screen. “Yeah.”

  Good. Hopefully she wasn’t afraid to see him after what had happened between them the other night. He hadn’t said another word about it since, keeping his texts to status updates on this meeting or questions about Aiden. He hadn’t figured out the right way to proceed, and he didn’t want to pressure her into revealing something she wasn’t ready to say or do something she wasn’t ready to do.

  But he didn’t want to wait another moment to see her. He stepped out of the store and crossed to her car. Rap, Rap, Rap.

  She jumped. Guess she hadn’t seen him walk up. The snick of the door locks invited him in and he climbed into her car.

  “Damn, Justin, you about scared me to death.”

  He rested his hand on her knee. Her muscle tensed. Some of the comfort they had enjoyed before wasn’t there now. As much as he cherished the time they’d spent together making love, maybe they had jumped into bed too soon. Especially if that meant she was back to being uncomfortable with him. “I didn’t mean to scare you. I was just worried when you sat out here for so long without coming in.”

  She relaxed a little but didn’t elaborate about why she had been sitting in the car.

  “Maddie?”

  “Yeah, sorry. I was just thinking.”

  He did the only thing he could do to ease the tension between them. Maybe she needed to know that he still wanted her, still found her attractive, still wanted this marriage to work. He lowered his voice and leaned in. “I haven’t been able to stop thinking about the other night either.”

  He closed the distance and pressed his lips to hers.

  Kissing Maddie was like coming home. It was a connection that he had come to depend on and one that he mourned the loss of. The true intimacy they shared. But they were getting it back slowly.

  She slid her arms around his neck and pulled him to her. Well, as close as they could get with the console between them. His hands settled at her waist and he squeezed as he deepened the kiss, tilting his head to take her mouth in a more intense kiss.

  He felt the minute she gave herself over to what she was feeling. From that point on, he made it his mission to keep her focused on the two of them and away from everything that could be going wrong.

  The tip of his tongue touched hers and she moaned. That was all the invitation he needed. He leaned as far over the console as he could, wanting to feel her. He nipped and sucked at her lips while his hands slid up her body. He brushed across her breast and she gasped.

  She broke the kiss and spoke against his mouth. “We can’t. Someone might see.”

  He rested his forehead on hers. He had forgotten where they were, focused solely on Maddie and how it felt to have her in his arms. “Damn.”

  “Yeah.” Her breathing was ragged, her lips were swollen, and her hair was mussed. Had he run his fingers through her hair? He couldn’t even remember. She looked, in a word, well loved.

  Her eyes trailed down to his crotch where his cock strained at his jeans.

  She smiled and waggled her eyebrows.

  “Like that, do you? I can’t go back into the store like this.” He leaned his head back and closed his eyes, murmuring his lifetime baseball stats. Anything to get control of the raging erection.

  “Can’t go back into the store like what?”

  She knew full well what she had done to him. “I’m reciting my stats for every year I played baseball. Hopefully focusing on something other than those curves of yours, taunting me in that clingy T-shirt, will help.”

  She reached out her hand and he smacked it away. “Dammit, Maddie. You can’t touch me right now. Otherwise, I can’t be held responsible for what may happen.”

  They both sat there a minute while he got himself under control. He’d been doing that a lot recently. Not that he was complaining. Not one bit. He loved this Maddie, the one who was more open with her feelings.

  “Do you want to go to the Crabapple Festival with me and Aiden this weekend?”

  The festival was an annual Cedar Hill tradition. Every April, when the trees were blooming, the town pulled out all the stops to welcome another spring. It was held in the park downtown, and spilled over to the local businesses. He’d almost forgotten it was this weekend, with his focus on Sports Day and fixing his marriage.

  Izzy would probably have dancers perform on the stage. Maybe Hayley would be one of them. He wouldn’t miss a chance to cheer his future niece on, and he certainly wasn’t going to pass up Maddie’s invitation to spend time as a family.

  “There’s nothing I’d rather do. But before we go in, there’s one more thing I wanted to talk to you about.”

  Maddie knew about Rachel. They had talked about the bombshell from his Dad’s lawyer at length last summer. Thinking back, he realized how that must have felt to Maddie, another parent who had kids they didn’t even claim when she was trying so hard to have one of her own.

  Her hand covered his. “Whatever it is, just spit it out. I can handle it.”

  He looked at his wife. Really looked at her. She was right… she probably could. Everything about her had changed in the time they’d been apart. It made knowing that he’d hurt her by moving out that much easier to bear. If only he could erase that niggling fear that they could easily fall back into their destructive patterns if he wasn’t careful.

  She still watched him. Oh yeah, Rachel.

  “The girls and I are meeting with Rachel next week.”

  She squeezed his hand. “I didn’t realize you had heard back from her.”

  “Yeah, uh, right around the time…”

  From the look on her face, he didn’t need to finish that sentence. “How is everyone dealing with this?”

  “Exactly like you would expect.”

  “Serena’s over the moon, Izzy is cautious, and Alexis is wary but goes along with anything Serena says.”

  Maddie understood his family well. She had worked hard to build relationships with each of his sisters before they’d moved to Cedar Hill. Not having siblings of her own, he knew how important it was for her to have those bonds, like the ones she felt she’d missed out on growing up. And he loved that she loved his family as much as he did. “Yep.”

  “Do you want me to be there for you?”

  “Not this time. We don’t want to overwhelm Rachel. It’ll just be the four of us. I don’t know if she’ll bring anyone with her, but I figured we should hold off on significant others until another time.” He said that like he planned to see his half-sister again, which hadn’t even dawned on him until this moment. But she was his sister and she might want a relationship with him and the girls.

  “Well, I’m here for you if you want to talk about it.”

  “Thanks.” He’d had enough of all this seriousness, and the additional time had given his body a chance to calm down. “So, are we going in to work or not?”

  She chuckled. “Yeah.”

  Chapter Twenty-One

  She shouldn’t be nervous about spending the day with Justin… but she was. When they met the other day, they hadn’t discussed the lovemaking or what she had revealed afterwards. But her mind had been racing with baby thoughts ever since. And Jen’s suggestion about looking into foster parenting had occupied much of her mind the past few days. She hadn’t mentioned anything about that idea to Justin. She wasn’t sure what his reaction would be, and until she knew how she felt on the issue, she didn’t want his opinion to influence her thought process.

  But that wasn’t the only thing worrying her about today. The Crabapple Festival would be teeming with kids. And pregnant women. Maddie had handled conversations with Alison but how would she function when confronted with babies and families at every turn? That was why she had shut herself off from people and spent most of her time at home in the first place. Then she didn’t have to deal with what she couldn’t have.

  At least she knew that if
things overwhelmed her, she could leave Aiden with Justin and take a few minutes away from the crowds.

  “Aiden, are you almost ready?” Her son’s eyes had bolted open when she’d shaken him awake this morning. Spending time with Daddy was all that he had been talking about since he found out Justin was coming with them. Maddie wished Aiden didn’t miss Justin so much. But Justin was right—Aiden was happier, and so was she, now that they’d had time apart.

  “Almost!”

  A minute later, Aiden thudded down the hall but stopped short just inside the kitchen door. He tilted his head and bit his lower lip.

  In that moment, he looked so much like Justin. But something was bothering her son. “What’s wrong?”

  He shook his head and climbed into his chair. “I thought I heard Daddy. I thought he was having breakfast with us.”

  “We’ll see him soon. He’s coming to pick us up for the Crabapple Festival.”

  Aiden bounced in his seat. “I can’t wait to tell him about my new friend Alex. He wants me to play on his T-Ball team with him. I wanted Daddy to practice with me.”

  Aiden hadn’t mentioned this before now, but she would welcome anything that brought Justin around more. And she knew that Justin was waiting for the day their son was old enough to share the sport that he loved so much. “I’m sure Daddy wants to practice with you. How about we ask him when we see him today.”

  “Ask me what?” Justin stepped through the back door, looking delicious in his well-worn jeans and light blue polo shirt stretched across his chest. She swallowed thickly as she remembered running her fingers over those delicious pecs the other night. And how she’d grabbed hold of his shirt when he’d scrambled her brains in the car.

  His heated gaze locked with hers a minute and then he stalked across the kitchen and pulled her into his arms, pressing his lips to hers as if they hadn’t seen each other in days. They hadn’t, but that didn’t matter. He was certainly making up for that now.

  She spoke against his mouth. “Justin, Aiden’s here.”

  He leaned down and whispered in her ear. “I don’t care. He needs to see his parents being affectionate with each other.”

  She couldn’t argue with that.

  “Besides, it’s been too long since I held you in my arms. I couldn’t wait another minute.” He brushed another kiss over her lips and then turned to Aiden but didn’t relax his embrace. “Hey, buddy, what did you want to ask me?”

  Aiden hopped out of his chair and wrapped his arms around both of their legs. Like he used to do when he was a toddler and asked for family hugs.

  “Daddy! I thought I heard you and now you’re here. My friend wants me to play T-Ball with him and I want to practice catching. Will you catch with me?”

  Justin’s eyes met hers, distress and anguish washing through his expression before he schooled his features. It warmed her heart to know that he didn’t really want this separation any more than she did. Why, then, didn’t he just come home? What else did she have to do before he was ready to take that step?

  But now was not the time to ask that question.

  “Yeah, buddy, I’ll pull out the mitts later. But we’re getting ready to go to the Crabapple festival now. Aren’t you excited?”

  Aiden flew back into his chair. “I need to eat breakfast.”

  She and Justin threw glances at each other while Aiden chattered his way through breakfast. He finally shoved the last bite into his mouth and hurried down the hall to finish getting ready. Finally, she and Justin had a moment to be alone.

  “What’s wrong, Maddie?”

  She forgot how Justin could so easily read what she was feeling.

  “I just… I’m confused. It’s hard being with you, kissing you…” She lowered her voice. “…making love to you, but then not having you here every day. Having to schedule time with you.”

  Justin slid around the table and pulled her to her feet, wrapping her in his arms. She sought comfort against him, hoping to draw strength from him. During all those months she’d been so focused on having a baby, they hadn’t taken care of their relationship. And that was on her. And now, she was afraid of fracturing the fragile peace they had established. She didn’t want to do anything to make Justin reconsider any thoughts of coming home, but they couldn’t get there if she couldn’t talk about her concerns.

  “I’m sorry that I’ve confused you. That was not my intention. When I moved out, it was because I couldn’t stand the tension. Everything in the house was about getting pregnant.”

  “I know that things were awful. I don’t blame you for wanting to move out. But we’ve been happier recently, haven’t we?” Other than after they’d made love the other night, they hadn’t talked about babies or getting pregnant. While she wasn’t ready to give up on that dream yet, she could admit that their relationship had been better since that was no longer their focus.

  “I don’t know how to say this so that it doesn’t hurt you, but it’s important for us to talk about our feelings. It’s the only way we’re going to fix us. And I assure you, I want to fix us.” He sucked in a breath. What he had to say must be really bad. “It has definitely been less stressful not being confronted with my shortcomings on a daily basis.”

  She squeezed her eyes shut. She hadn’t meant to make him feel that way. She was the one who had failed. “You don’t have any shortcomings, Justin. I drove you away with my obsession and my ranting and I’m so sorry.”

  “We both contributed to the state of our marriage that led up to this point. I don’t want to keep dwelling on that. I want to put our energies into building a future. That’s all I want. But I don’t want to move too fast, before either of us is ready, and have it devolve into what it was. Or worse. I’m worried that we jumped back into bed too soon. Before both of us could deal with our issues and resume our relationship with a clean slate.”

  So this was about her obsession with getting pregnant. She was trying, she really was. She just had to work harder, because what she had come to realize is that focusing solely on having a baby wasn’t worth risking her marriage over.

  “What are you thinking?”

  “I was thinking that no baby, nothing is worth losing you. But I know I messed up when I couldn’t stop thinking about the calendar the other night. I just don’t know how to turn that off. I don’t know how to deal with wanting two things and knowing that having one might mean not having the other.”

  His arms tightened around her and she sank into him. Just being able to talk to him, and not yell and scream at each other, gave her hope. “I definitely have a lot to cover with Dr. Bryson next week.”

  Justin squeezed her hands. “I’m glad talking to her is working for you. You let me know if and when you’re ready for me to join you. I want you to be happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. If I thought continuing to try for another baby would solve all of our problems, I’d be here. But I don’t believe it will, and the trying made you so unhappy. We just have to figure out what will give us a healthy marriage, and I’m willing to work my ass off for that.”

  Tears sprang to her eyes and she bit them back. She was done being a crybaby.

  He leaned forward and rested his forehead on hers. She always loved when he did that, a silent moment for the two of them to connect.

  But the silence was broken when Aiden came stomping down the hall and burst into the kitchen. She was lucky they had gotten that much time to talk. She swiped under her eyes and turned to her son. “You ready?”

  “Yep. Do you think Aunt Serena is going to be there?”

  Serena usually set up a petting area during the festival. It was another great way for her to raise the visibility of her shelter. Justin crouched down to Aiden’s level. “Probably. We’ll have to see. I know that Aunt Izzy will be there with her dancers.”

  Aiden got a look on his face like she’d just asked him to eat liver and Brussels sprouts for dinner.

  Justin laughed and scooped Aiden up, buzzing kisses on his cheek.
Justin was such a good father. That was why it was so hard knowing that she might not be able to give him another child. Stop it, Maddie. She’d just resolved to focus on her marriage. Today was about the three of them spending time as a family.

  A few minutes later, they climbed into Justin’s car for the short trip downtown.

  The festival was in full force when they pulled into the parking lot. The sun was shining and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. The temperature was perfect for the T-shirt, scarf, and jeans that she had agonized over this morning. It was like the weather knew that they had plans today and cooperated.

  “There’s Aunt Serena!” Aiden screeched from the back seat.

  Sure enough, Serena had set up a fenced-in area and had a half-dozen dogs and puppies scrambling around among an equal number of kids.

  They released Aiden from his car seat and as soon as they stepped into the grass, he rushed up the hill. Justin reached for her hand and linked his fingers with hers. He smiled at her as she squeezed back, and together they headed toward Serena at a much slower pace than their energy-filled son. She loved living in a town like Cedar Hill where she could let Aiden run ahead without worrying about his safety. But as expected, he didn’t go any further than the animal pen, where he threw his arms around Serena’s legs.

  She laughed as Maddie and Justin approached. “He wanted to go in with the puppies but I told him we have to wait and make sure it’s okay with you guys.”

  Maddie hugged her sister-in-law hello. Aiden was fortunate to have such a wonderful extended family. “Of course it is.”

  The words were barely out of her mouth before Aiden was rushing into the pen. “Aiden, remember to be gentle around the puppies.”

  “I will, Mommy.” He didn’t even look up from the black-and-white patchwork fuzzball he had commandeered.

  “He’ll be okay here if you guys want to go hang out at the festival for a while. I can text you if he’s ready to leave.”

  Maddie searched her face to see if there was something behind her offer. “Are you sure? We didn’t bring him here for you to babysit him.”