Chasing Hope

by Nancy Stopper

  He was an idiot. If he’d only given Maddie a chance to explain her thinking, he’d be over there now, playing ball with Aiden and Sofia. Having dinner with his family. Instead, he was sitting here staring at an unopened fifth of scotch. He snatched the bottle off the table and carried it into the kitchen, shoving it back above the stove where it belonged. Now if he could fix the problems he’d caused in their marriage as easily.

  Chapter Thirty

  Maddie sipped the now cold coffee out of the paper cup she’d grabbed at Java on her way to the park to meet Jen. Maddie hadn’t let on to her friend what was happening when she’d called. She just said she needed to talk and Jen didn’t hesitate to suggest they meet. Maddie was a few minutes early, but she needed this time to quiet the whirlwind of thoughts swirling through her mind.

  Ever since her blowup with Justin on Saturday, she hadn’t been able to focus on anything. She’d coasted through the rest of the day with Aiden and Sofia on auto-pilot. After promising the girl she could come over, Maddie wasn’t about to withdraw the offer. Sofia had had enough disappointments in her life—Maddie didn’t want to cause another, even though she may have jeopardized Sophia’s future with their family because of her failure to talk to Justin.

  Sunday had been reminiscent of the worst of her days when she was trying to get pregnant. She’d barely climbed out of bed, letting Aiden indulge in his favorite videos for part of the day. Even when he had dragged her into the backyard, the sun and blue sky had only been a slight comfort.

  And all day long, her fingers had been wrapped around her cell phone, hoping, no praying, for Justin to call or text. Just something. After the way things had ended, she needed him to make the first move. If she knew Justin, he’d have spent the weekend stewing over their argument as well. They were alike that way. But clearly having that in common wasn’t enough to build a future on, not if his reaction on Saturday was any indication.

  She dropped her coffee cup into the trashcan beside the bench and caught sight of a little boy, his short legs pumping beneath him as he ran toward the playset, giggling the entire way. And behind the boy, a man and woman followed at a slower pace, their fingers linked, their arms swaying between them. They reminded her of her relationship with Justin when Aiden was that age. She’d loved her little family of three, but even then, her need to have another baby, to fill a hole deep inside her, had lingered just below the surface. If she could go back and talk to that Maddie, what would she tell herself to keep from ending up where she was now?

  Jen slid onto the bench beside Maddie before she could answer that question. At this point, she wasn’t ready for the answer she expected to give. Not by a long shot.

  “What’s up?” Jen’s caring gaze took in Maddie with her puffy, red eyes from the tears that had fallen continuously over the past forty-eight hours. “Oh, honey.”

  Maddie hadn’t shared the details of her argument with Justin over the phone, worried her tears would keep the words from coming. But now that her friend was in front of her, everything spilled out. Maddie shared how she and Justin had been working together as a team and how they were closer than they had been in a long time.

  Jen took a sip of her own coffee. “Everyone in town is talking about how successful the event was, and how they hoped this wouldn’t be the last one.”

  Hearing that should make Maddie happy. And on one level it did. The feeling of accomplishment she’d had on Saturday morning, witnessing her idea come together for her friends and neighbors, had made the long hours worth it. And it didn’t hurt that many of those hours had been spent with Justin. But that feeling had been short-lived. “Maybe. If Justin wants anything to do with me after Saturday.”

  “What happened?”

  Maddie told Jen about Sofia joining Aiden’s T-Ball team and how she was coming over for dinner. And how Justin had blown up about it all. She relived every angry word, every disappointed look in Justin’s eye as she detailed how the day had gone sideways in a matter of minutes. “Justin accused me of being as obsessed about Sofia as I had been about getting pregnant.”

  Jen’s slightly raised eyebrows were the only reaction her friend had.

  Fine, Maddie would say what Jen wouldn’t. “Okay, I can see how I went a little off the rails about Sofia. I guess, considering what we’d been through, it makes sense that Justin would draw parallels. I don’t know what to do. I think I’ve screwed everything up.”

  Jen crossed her arms in that way that Maddie knew signified her frustration. “I’m not going to argue with you. You did screw up.”

  A strangled laugh escaped Maddie’s lips. “Thanks for the support.”

  “Honey, if you wanted someone to tell you what you want to hear, you called the wrong friend. You called me because you want me to tell you what you’re unable, or unwilling, to admit to yourself.” Jen brushed her hands toward Maddie. “But you’re doing fine all by yourself. You were saying you screwed up. What are you going to do to fix it?”

  Maddie huffed out a breath. If she knew that, she wouldn’t have had to call Jen.

  The little boy’s squeals of joy drew Maddie’s attention. A huge smile lit his father’s face as he threw his son in the air, catching the boy in the safety of his arms again. But beside him, the woman rested her hand on her husband’s arm each time the boy flew into the air. “I feel like I’m that woman, holding my breath, hoping for everything to fall into place.”

  Jen shook her head. “But you’re not. You’ve just lost your way and we’re going to find it again.”

  “It seems so hopeless. You didn’t see Justin. He was so angry at me for trying to include Sofia. I mean, he’s not even living at home. I just don’t see how to fix this.”

  “Has he actually said he wants a divorce?”

  Maddie had to think back. When he first moved out, she was in such a fog she barely heard his words. But in all the time they’d been together since then, Justin had never spoken the word divorce. She certainly hadn’t. She didn’t want that. She wanted to fix what she’d messed up. “He’s never asked for a divorce, but he left, didn’t he? And he hasn’t moved back, even after I practically begged him last week.”

  “Maddie, I swear, sometimes you’re so busy thinking about the next words to come out of your mouth that you don’t hear what other people are saying. Have you really listened to Justin? Have you thought about this from his perspective and not how it impacted you?”

  Maddie sucked in a breath. Of course she hadn’t. And all the time she’d been so focused on getting pregnant, then on repairing her marriage and most recently building a relationship with Sofia, Justin had only been asking to be heard. To have a say in the decisions that affected him. And she’d constantly ignored his feelings.

  Her hands flew to her mouth as Oh God escaped on a whisper.

  Jen’s kept going, her voice softer now that she had Maddie’s full attention. “Has he ever said he stopped loving you?”

  Maddie shook her head, afraid to say the words.

  “Have you?”

  “Of course not.”

  “Then what are you going to do about this situation you’ve created?”

  Maddie bit her lip. “I don’t know. The thought of backing away from Sofia breaks my heart, but I don’t know what else I can do.”

  Jen shook her head. “You’re losing sight of the bigger picture. This is not about Sofia. It’s not about you trying to get pregnant. It never has been. Let me ask you a question… what do you want?”

  Wasn’t that the question of the hour? When she’d been younger, it had been easy to say what she wanted, so she fell back to her early dreams. “I want a big family, people around me that I love, to grow up with.”

  “Okay. That’s good. Is what you have been doing helping you achieve that goal?”

  Maddie was quick to nod but the slow shake of Jen’s head had Maddie reconsidering. Justin wasn’t living at home, Aiden was unhappy, and Maddie didn’t have a baby or Sofia in her life. “I guess not. I t
hink I’ve been holding onto Sofia because I was afraid of losing Justin and instead that’s exactly what I caused to happen.”

  “So, I’ll go back to my original question… what are you going to do about it?”

  Maddie dropped her chin to her chest. What was she going to do? Did she have the strength to fix this situation?

  As Maddie watched the couple with their son pack up and head out of the park, memories of her own family flooded her. It wasn’t so long ago that Aiden was a newborn, nestled on her breast as Justin cuddled beside them on the couch, just the three of them against the world. She could picture Aiden as he was learning to walk, his chubby legs not moving as fast as his body, the way her heart lurched when he would tumble onto the floor. But he always got up and kept going toward his destination. Had she done the same? No. She’d let herself get sidetracked and bogged down in pregnancy and Sofia and had lost sight of where she was headed.

  In the past few weeks, Justin had expended a significant effort to remind her of how they were as a couple before she’d derailed their lives. A smile forced its way onto her lips when she remembered him standing on their front porch, as nervous as he had been on their first date. He’d done everything he could to remind her of the Maddie she’d been before she let things bog her down and, at the same time, coax her to fall in love with him all over again.

  And she had. Her love for him now was stronger than it had been since, well, probably their entire marriage. The one thing she’d learned was that every experience, good and bad, wrote on the slate of their relationship, and they could either use that experience to pull together or grow apart. Was she going to let this most recent challenge separate or unite them, working side by side to achieve what they both wanted?

  As she made her way out of the park, the answer was simple. She just had to put a plan in place.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  A knock on the door interrupted Maddie on Tuesday afternoon while she and Aiden were building one of his new Lego sets. She was afraid to hope that Justin was on the other side. She still hadn’t heard from him since their blow up, and every hour, every minute that ticked by had her more on edge. She’d dashed him a text yesterday after meeting with Jen, just asking if they could talk. He’d answered with a vague response.

  Soon.

  She hopped up and threw a look at Aiden, who was so engrossed in his task that he hadn’t noticed. She wrapped her hand around the door handle and drew in a quick breath. No matter who was standing on the other side, she had this. She was stronger than she had been before.

  Okay, here goes nothing.

  When she pulled the door open, it wasn’t Justin on the other side.

  “Miss Maddie!” Sofia practically flung herself into Maddie’s arms.

  Maddie caught the little girl and hugged her tight for a minute. Holding Sofia calmed her racing heart and soothed her anxiety. But soon enough, she was forced to acknowledge something wasn’t right. She released Sofia and sank down to her level. “What are you doing here, honey?” It was then that Maddie noticed the dog leash clutched firmly in Sofia’s grasp. “And why do you have Pepper with you?”

  She really didn’t understand. There was no way Wanda would have dropped Sofia off. Had Serena done something? That would explain Pepper’s presence, too.

  “Oh, here.” Sofia shoved a thick envelope into Maddie’s hand and ran past her into the house, Pepper’s yips trailing behind her as he scrambled to keep up with the energetic six-year-old.

  Maddie heard Sofia scream “Aiden” from behind her while she stood in the doorway, mouth gaping, with the envelope in her hand. This entire incident had her baffled. Maybe the letter could explain why Sofia and Aiden were currently huddled on the floor playing with a puppy who was eating up every bit of attention.

  She slid a thick stack of papers from the envelope and unfolded them.

  State of Pennsylvania Department of Social Services

  Application for Foster Services

  Maddie frantically flipped through the stack. Each of the papers was filled out—completely—and on the final page, Justin’s broad signature and today’s date. A tear sprang to her eye. This couldn’t be real, could it?

  She raised her head to find Justin standing at the bottom of the steps, a bouquet of lilies clutched in his hand and a duffel slung over his shoulder. Seeing him, a hesitant smile on his face, was the final straw. She no longer had the strength to hold back the tears, and she offered him a watery smile.

  “Does this mean what I think it means?” She was afraid to hope, afraid that if she blinked, this moment, and Justin, would be gone.

  Justin climbed one step. “What do you think it means?”

  “That you’ve forgiven me?”

  He climbed another step, putting him at eye level with her. In the hazel depths of his eyes swirled anguish and regret. But also hope and desire… and love. “I’m the one who needs forgiveness. I’m so sorry that I went off like that, Maddie. I wasn’t upset about Sofia at all.”

  “I should have discussed her with you before I invited her to come over. I realize now that I was impulsive and inconsiderate of your feelings.”

  He extended his hand. “It sounds like both of us have to work on our communication skills. I’d really like to do that… together.”

  Her eyes widened. “Really?”

  He took the final step so he stood in right in front of her, so close that if she reached out, she could touch him. To make sure that he was really standing in front of her, offering her everything she had hoped for. “Really.”

  “I didn’t think you were ready to apply for us to be foster parents to Sofia.”

  “All I needed was a chance to think about it. You’re right, I love Sofia. And I love you. All I want is for you to be happy. For us to be happy. As a family. And look…” He gestured behind her and she turned to see the two of them, Aiden and Sofia, squeezed into Justin’s recliner, heads pressed together over a book. Pepper was sprawled across both of their laps, his head hanging off one end and his huge puppy paws off the other. “That’s our family. Right there.”

  Justin’s arms came around her from behind and his chin settled on her shoulder. She sank back into him, wanting to soak in every bit of this moment with her husband.

  “I filed the papers with Wanda today. She expects that we’ll pass with flying colors. But Sofia and Pepper, they’re a package deal. Serena was all too happy to equip me with everything we needed to bring Pepper home today.”

  Maddie laughed. She loved his family. She tilted her head so she could look him in the eye. “Home?”

  “As long as you’re ready for me to come back.”

  “Ready? I’ve been ready since the day you moved out. I know why you did, and you were right to take the break that I never would have had the strength to suggest. But why the quick turnaround? On Saturday, I thought you weren’t ready.”

  “I was. I was going to tell you at the end of the day. But then I went and did something stupid and didn’t listen to what my wife needed—”

  “And I didn’t talk to my husband before I decided something that affected him, too.”

  “We’re quite a pair, aren’t we?”

  Maddie snuggled into him, her gaze locking on the kids… her kids… her family. “I don’t know, I think we’re pretty perfect for each other.”

  Epilogue

  Justin checked his watch for the third time in the past five minutes. He fiddled with the lapel on the new summer suit he’d gotten for today, ensuring the paperwork he’d tucked inside was safe. It was. He couldn’t wait until the ceremony was over and he could share the good news with Maddie.

  But in the meantime, where was Izzy?

  He checked his watch again and glanced across the yard. Tanner was standing beneath the floral-covered arch that had been set up in Mom’s back yard, his best friend Kevin at his side. Justin hadn’t met Kevin until Tanner’s bachelor party earlier this week, but they had hit it off quickly and Justin was p
retty certain they had a new softball team member.

  The screen door opened and Mom stepped out, Tanner’s daughter Hayley’s hand clutched in hers.

  “Hey, Uncle Justin.”

  His heart seized at the sweet words from the little girl who was about to officially become his niece. “Well, don’t you look pretty, Hayley.”

  He moved to wrap her up in a hug and she pushed him away. “Don’t. You’ll mess up my dress.”

  Yep, she was a Harper woman, no matter what her last name was.

  “Are the girls almost ready?”

  Hayley rolled her eyes. “Who knows? They are taking for-ev-er. S’mom looks so pretty.”

  “I bet she does, honey.”

  He slid his arm around his mother’s waist and she rested her hand on his chest. She spoke, her voice barely above a whisper. “You’ve done a good job raising your little sister. You can rest now, Justin.”

  Tears sprang to his eyes. From the time he’d seen each of his sisters, he’d been in love. He’d taken his job as their big brother seriously.

  Knowing there was someone else to love Izzy now had his heart bursting in his chest.

  His gaze drifted to Rachel, who had slipped in and taken a seat with her fiancé Sawyer a few minutes ago. He hadn’t had a chance to speak to her yet, but the fact that she was here said more than words. This was a big step, putting herself in front of the entire family and all their friends. Mom had been thrilled when she’d received the RSVP card and had talked Rachel into spending the night in the cottage that had been vacant since he’d moved back home. He looked forward to spending more time with her and Sawyer and really getting to know his sister.

  Hayley leaned in close. “Grandma. It’s time to go.”

  Mom glanced back through the door. “I think we’re ready.”

  Justin cued the string quartet that was positioned off to the side, and the gentle strains of the processional filled the air. His family had come a long way in the past year, hell, since when they were kids. He never thought he’d find himself here, giving his sister away. But she couldn’t have picked a better man to be by her side.