Returning Home

by Karen Whiddon

  “I never stopped loving him.” There, another truth revealed, tossed out in the air where it hovered, waiting to be judged. “I thought about calling him when Alisha was born, I even picked up the phone a couple times, but couldn’t. I couldn’t do it, couldn’t make myself.”

  “If Jeff had only known,” Charlene whispered, covering her mouth with her hand. “Oh, Lord.” Though she knew Charlene wasn’t the person who deserved an apology, Hope felt compelled to offer it anyway. “I’m sorry.”

  “Yeah.” Charlene lifted her head, her eyes full of sorrow. “Me too.”

  Biting back a sob, Hope turned her head to gaze out the window. She wouldn’t cry, wouldn’t allow herself to dredge up all the memories, the anguish. Despite her resolve, tears continued to trickle down her cheeks. “I still miss my daughter,” she whispered, brokenly. “With every breath I take, I miss her.” “Honey ...” Again Charlene reached out and gathered Hope into a comforting embrace. Unresisting, Hope let her. “I can’t even imagine how losing your child must have felt It must be awful. I think I would die.”

  “No, you wouldn’t” Hope met her friend’s gaze. “You’d wish you could, but somehow, inconceivably, life goes on.”

  Her own eyes tearing, Charlene jerked her head in a short nod. Cars whizzed past them, heading into Amarillo.

  “Come on.” Trying to interject a cheerful note, Hope pointed toward the road. “Let’s go shopping.” They didn’t speak of it again until lunch time. Though Hope would have been just as happy eating fast food, Charlene insisted on a sit down meal in an informal Mexican restaurant

  “I want to buy you a margarita,” Charlene said. “Since I’m driving, I can’t have one, but I’ll watch you and pretend.”

  Hope had to laugh. Though she still hadn’t found a dress for the reunion, she’d bought quite a few other things.

  Over chips and salsa, Charlene leaned forward, her expression serious. “Have you told Jeff?”

  Hope choked. Grabbing her water glass, she took several large gulps. When she could speak again, she kept her voice low. “No, and I need you to promise me you won’t tell him either. I don’t want him to know.”

  “But—”

  “No.” Speaking earnestly, Hope tapped her fingers on the table to make her point. “There’s no reason. Alisha is dead. Jeff would hate me—absolutely hate me—if he knew what I did.”

  “Is that important to you?”

  Blankly, Hope stared at her friend. ‘ ‘Jeff not finding out is very important to me.”

  Charlene smiled faintly. “I understand that. I meant Jeff not hating you. Is that important to you?” Fidgeting in her seat, Hope used the arrival of the waiter with her drink to gather her thoughts. “Yes,” she said finally. “I don’t know why, since I won’t ever see him again once I leave here, but I don’t want him to hate me.”

  A faint smile hovered around Charlene’s lips. “I see.”

  But she didn’t. Hope knew there was no way she possibly could. “Look,” she spread her hands helplessly, “I don’t even understand it. My feelings for Jeff are so complex. I’m not even sure why I agreed to come here.”

  Their food arrived. Suddenly, Hope found she was starving.

  “You know,” Charlene eyed her plate of chicken enchiladas with evident glee, “I know just what we need to do.”

  “Oh, no,” Hope groaned. Charlene had that tone in her voice that she used to get when she was planning mischief. “I’m almost afraid to ask.”

  “Don’t be.” Charlene’s blue eyes sparkled. “It’s simple really. We need to find you a killer dress so that you can knock Jeff’s socks off.”

  “A killer—” Hope almost choked on her sip of water. Then it dawned on her. “Matchmaking.” She pointed at her friend accusingly. “Don’t.”

  “Why not? You might as well have fun while you’re here.”

  “You’re forgetting something.” Hope watched her friend shovel a huge forkful of food into her mouth.

  Raising her eyebrow in question, Charlene chewed slowly.

  “You’re forgetting what Jeff did to me. He wronged me, too.”

  “Phooey.” With a wave of her tanned hand, Charlene dismissed that. “You two belong together, honey. Even I can see that”

  From the stubborn set of Charlene’s chin, Hope knew it would be futile to argue.

  It seemed like the days flew by, though Hope didn’t see much of Jeff. Before she knew it, it was the day before the ten year class reunion.

  An air of suppressed excitement hung in the air. In the way of a small town, all of Dalhart seemed to be involved in the upcoming celebration.

  “Ten years,” Charlene said as she shook her head. “It’s hard to believe it has been so long.” She grinned wryly. “I still feel like I’m eighteen.”

  Though she smiled and nodded, privately, Hope felt it seemed much longer than a mere ten years. She’d lived an entire lifetime since then. Now she sometimes felt like she merely existed.

  “Did Jeff tell you what he’s wearing?”

  Hope felt her smile shifting. “Nope. I haven’t even seen Jeff all week.” Oddly enough, she’d missed him.

  Concern touched Charlene’s narrow face. “I don’t know what’s wrong with him. I haven’t seen him either.”

  “I wonder if he’s remembered anything else.” Though she spoke in a breezy, lighthearted tone, inside her emotions were in turmoil. Two more weeks, she told herself, muttering under her breath. Two more weeks and then she would be out of this place. She would be gone forever.

  “What did you say?” Peering over the top of her stylish sunglasses, Charlene shook her head.

  Hope colored. “Nothing.” She grabbed a green, granny smith apple from the bowl on the counter and bit into it “I’m trying to decide whether to get my hair done for the reunion.”

  Charlene’s face lit up. “I think you should. I can call my hairdresser, Rainey Mae, and get you an appointment. That woman can do wonders.” Without waiting to see if Hope agreed, Charlene hurried off to use the phone, leaving Hope staring after her.

  Great. Now she’d done it No doubt this Rainey Mae person would want to tease her hair up into a beehive or something. Sighing, Hope wondered for the tenth time that day what Jeff was doing and where he was. She wondered why he didn’t call or come by.

  She’d driven past the store several times. Not once had she seen Jeff’s truck. She’d even toyed with the idea of driving out to his place, to the sprawling ranch outside of town. Each time the thought had occurred to her, she’d talked herself out of it.

  Now the reunion was in two days. She didn’t even know if Jeff still planned to escort her.

  Charlene had pooh-poohed the idea. “Of course he is. Going to this reunion is probably the best thing to help him regain the rest of his memory. He’ll be there.”

  Though Hope didn’t say it, that was exactly what she was worried about. She didn’t want to be anywhere near Jeff when he remembered everything.

  Before she knew it, Saturday morning dawned. Wandering outside with a cup of coffee, Hope waited for the sun to rise in the dim gray of the vast, cloudless sky. Nerves jangling, she hadn’t been able to sleep.

  She’d dreamed again of Jeff’s betrayal, her humiliation and shame, the way it felt to have her heart broken. She remembered wondering if the entire school knew, if every whisper and sidelong glance had been about her.

  She remembered the tearful argument with her parents, the hurried arrangements, and her departure early in the morning when she’d been unable to resist one final, furtive drive past Jeff’s house— this house.

  Hope sighed loudly. Jeff didn’t know that All he knew was that they’d fought, then she’d vanished, without a word. She only hoped he never found out the rest

  His mother’s kitchen always had the power to comfort him, even though his sister lived there now. He remembered it with a certain nostalgia. He could still smell the homey scent of years of chocolate chip cookies, still knew the shining lin
oleum, the polished wood cabinets. He saw in his mind’s eye the huge refrigerator, filled to the brim with things like cold fried chicken, fresh milk, and homemade banana bread.

  He and Hope had spent coundess happy hours here giggling over ice cream and cola, schoolbooks and homework spread out on this very same wooden table.

  Restless, Jeff paced the confines of the kitchen, listening with half an ear to Charlene’s chatter. She’d dressed and was now waiting for Clay. He’d arrived early, and found himself pacing the floor like a caged tiger. Charlene put out a hand to stop him, straightening his silk tie while continuing her nervous monologue.

  Despite himself, he grinned. You would think it was his wedding day, the way she hovered over him, fussing.

  Jeff froze, a hundred images rushing to claim him. He and Hope had made plans for a life together, grand plans, even down to the number of kids they would have.

  He took a deep breath, dimly aware that Charlene had stopped talking, that she watched him with worried eyes.

  “Hey,” she put a hand on his arm and squeezed gently. “Are you okay?”

  With an effort he shook off the memories. “Yes,” he managed, reclaiming his earlier lightheartedness with an effort. “I’m fine.”

  He glanced at his watch again, feeling more and more like a groom waiting for his bride.

  Then Hope rounded the corner—all sleek, sensuous woman packaged in black silk—and he forgot to breathe.

  “Hope!” Charlene screeched. “You looked beautiful. Isn’t that right, Jeff?”

  “Right,” he managed, his mouth dry. He remembered another time when she’d looked like this, remembered it with a clarity that startled him—their senior prom.

  “Senior prom?” Hope asked, making him realize he’d spoken the words aloud. Her smile trembled around the edges. “I wore green then. And sequins. It was my homecoming dress. This,” she ran her hand along the seam of her dress, “is much more simple.”

  And sexy, though he didn’t dare say the words out loud.

  “Move together,” Charlene ordered. “I want to take a picture.”

  Obediently, Hope moved next to him, amazing him by how well she fit under his arm. Slowly, as if she were made of fragile glass and he might break her, he put his arm around her, her small shoulder silky under his palm. She smelled of perfume, a light, floral fragrance similar to the one she’d worn in high school, he could swear it

  “There. Perfect.” The flash popped, the camera whirred.

  Hope tilted her head up at him, amusement shining in her velvet eyes. “This does remind me of the prom.” She rolled her eyes sideways, towards where Charlene still fussed with her camera. “I even have the same hairdo.”

  Her lustrous hair was swept up to show her long neck. He longed to press his lips there, to inhale her scent, so warm and mysterious, and taste the freshness of her skin.

  From somewhere, he found his voice. “Yeah,” he swallowed. All he could think about was how badly he wanted to touch her, to see if her skin felt as satiny as her dress.

  He wanted to slide the dress from her shoulders, reverently, like unwrapping a surprise gift at Christmas. He closed his eyes, struggling to get himself under control. She’d made it plain that she didn’t want him as a lover, that she saw him as an old high school friend, nothing more.

  But that didn’t stop his treacherous body from burning.

  Though it took a major effort, Jeff stepped away from her. “Ready?” He held the door open, feeling more like a kid on a first date than Hope could ever know.

  He helped her up into his truck, trying not to notice how the elegant dress clung in all the right places, unable to resist grinning appreciatively at the flash of sleek leg as she climbed into place. Desire flared up in him again, and it took every ounce of willpower he possessed to keep from reaching for her and claiming her mouth.

  “You’ll be the most beautiful woman there,” he told her, his voice low and husky. If she knew him as well as he thought she did, she would know how much she aroused him, how badly he wanted her. Averting her eyes, she flashed him an uncertain smile.

  It was a short drive to the hotel. The brightly lit marquee blazed a welcome to the class of 1988.

  The parking lot had begun to fill. Pickups vied with minivans; Hope counted an equal number of each. She saw only a few sports cars and a few more luxury sedans. Her stomach was in knots, a nameless sort of dread filling her. When Jeff touched her shoulder, she jumped.

  “Sorry,” he said, his smile warm and unbearably sexy. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

  She let out her breath in a rush. “You didn’t,” she lied, knowing he knew it, too. “I... I just don’t know if I can do this.”

  Surprise registered on his handsome face. “The reunion?”

  “Yes.” Hope bowed her head, resisting the urge to chew on her nail. She’d given that bad habit up after Alisha had been born and had no intention of reviving it

  “Seeing all those people again, and how they turned out? Old friends, the nerds, the jocks?” He laughed, the sound rich and warm in the small cab. “Don’t you want to see who has hair and who doesn’t? Who got fat, who got married? How many kids they have? I think—”

  “Who stayed together?” Though her tone was soft, she knew her voice vibrated with her pain. “Who got divorced? Who,” she swallowed and closed her eyes, “cheated on who? Oh!” Her eyes popped open. She hadn’t meant to say the last. Heck, she hadn’t meant to say any of it Holding her breath, she winced and looked at Jeff.

  “What do you mean?” His voice was hard, his vibrant eyes narrowed.

  “You still don’t remember?”

  His mouth thinned. “No.”

  Hope shivered. “I guess we might as well get this out in the open. Someone’s sure to bring it up.” Jeff said nothing, watching her with a cold glare. “You cheated on me.” The words came out all at once. “Right before graduation. You slept with another cheerleader, one of my,” her lip trembled, “friends.”

  She saw the disbelief flash across his face, disbelief and shock and some other, deeper emotion that might have been grief.

  Shaking his head, he raked her with his eyes. “I couldn’t have. I wouldn’t” Desperation combined with anger made his voice hard. “I don’t remember everything, Hope, not yet But I do know enough about myself to know I’m not like that”

  “You admitted it” Tears filled her eyes. Furiously, she blinked them back, not wanting her mascara to run, conscious that other cars were pulling in and parking. Soon they would be surrounded by other people, people who knew them, people who remembered and would whisper and talk. “You did,” she whispered. “I swear it you did.”

  He moved and enfolded her in his strong arms, pulling her close. “I don’t know how I could have, not if I had you.” Honest confusion radiated in his voice.

  Oddly enough, this time his touch, his voice, the spicy scent of his cologne soothed her instead of making her furious. She let herself be held, breathing in the wonderful scent of him, wishing ... wishing ...

  Wishing she wasn’t such a fool.

  Biting her lip, she pulled away from him. She smoothed down her dress, found her compact in her impossibly tiny purse, and checked her makeup. All the while, she prayed her trembling hands would not give her away.

  “Let’s go.” To her relief her voice came out steady. She fumbled for the door handle, suddenly eager to get on with it, to somehow make it through the evening, to put it behind her. Instantly, Jeff was at her side. He opened the door and reached for her hand.

  After a moment’s hesitation, she took it. Her hand felt small and delicate in his larger one.

  As long as she didn’t look at him, she would be all right. As long as she didn’t meet his eyes, didn’t see a reflection of her own need, she could pretend he didn’t affect her.

  Even though he did.

  They reached the entrance to the hotel. Jeff held the door open, his arm brushing against her breast as she passed. In
side, the air conditioning made it blessedly cool. A small sign pointed the way to the hotel’s only conference room.

  Jeff took her arm. “Ready?”

  Still without looking at him, she gave a faint nod. He squeezed her shoulder and they headed down the hall. Once they turned the corner, Hope could hear the sounds of laughter and music. She heard glasses clinking and voices as her insides twisted again.

  At the door to the conference room Jeff stopped, blocking the way. With a gentle hand, he touched her, tilting her chin and forcing her to look up at him.

  When her eyes met his, she felt a shock. A slow heat started low in her belly.

  “You okay?” Concern and another, deeper emotion colored his rich voice.

  She licked her lips. His eyes followed the movement, hunger flaring in them. “Yes,” she rushed the word out. “I’m all right.” Dragging her gaze away from his, she straightened her shoulders. “Come on, let’s go.”

  Without another word, he took her hand and led her into the room.

  Chapter Nine

  Curious faces turned towards them, watching their progress from across the room. As she’d known it would, the whispering and the sidelong glances started.

  Suddenly, they were surrounded by a crowd of old friends. Former cheerleaders proudly showed photos of their children, their spouses standing resolutely back. The drill team captain, her once athletic body bearing the weight of six kids in ten years, shrugged good-naturedly and declined to perform a short routine.

  To her surprise, Hope found she was enjoying herself. When Jeff returned with her margarita, she flashed him a genuine smile and went back to her conversation with a tall, dapper man in an expensive suit who bore absolutely no resemblance at all to Neal Dressier, former class nerd.

  The lights dimmed. A willowy blonde stepped up to the microphone and asked in a sultry voice if they would please be seated for dinner.

  “Who’s that?” Hope whispered to Charlene. Charlene lifted her brow and grinned. “That’s Susie McWirly. Don’t you recognize her?”

  “What?” Shocked, Hope turned to stare. “The same Susie McWirly who was President of the Science Club?”