I Know You

by Annabel Kantaria

  ‘What?’

  ‘Maybe he had the cards printed to get other people to harass me. Maybe he orchestrated the whole thing.’

  ‘What? Why would he do that?’

  ‘I don’t know!’ Anna snaps. ‘I don’t know how he thinks, but all I can think of is that since I joined the walking group I haven’t felt safe. I don’t know what it is. I don’t know why, but I know something’s not right.’ She shakes her head. ‘I can’t tell you what he wants.’

  ‘If it’s him,’ I say. ‘Innocent till proven guilty, right? Though, without meaning to big myself up, I honestly thought he was more interested in me than you.’

  ‘Maybe it’s a double bluff. Maybe he’s using you to get to me. You just can’t be too careful, Tay. I’m sorry if you think I’m paranoid, but after what happened…’

  ‘No, I know. I know. Anyway. At least we know now why you’re getting the calls.’

  ‘Yeah, at least that,’ she says, in a way that sounds like she’s not pleased at all.

  *

  ‘So what was your fight with Jake about, if you don’t mind me asking?’ Anna says later as we weave our way in and out of the shops. It’s a weekday and the centre’s not too busy. Anna’s mood’s improved, thank goodness, and we’re having fun shopping for our new-mum essentials.

  I try to laugh but the row is still raw and the sound comes out a little strangled.

  ‘Was it about the bit when she tried to kiss him when you left?’

  The words hit me like a punch. I take a breath then say lightly, ‘What did you say?’

  Anna clamps her hand over her mouth, her eyes wide. ‘OMG, I’m sorry. You didn’t see that?’

  ‘No, I did not! Who told you?’

  Anna looks sheepish. ‘Caroline messaged me. Oh, don’t get ideas – I think she still hates me but she was worried about you. She asked me to check on you.’

  ‘She could have called me herself.’

  ‘I know. But I think she likes having people to do her dirty work for her. Anyway, to be fair, she said Jake turned his head away so she missed, but that’s not the point.’ She pauses. ‘So… can I tell her that your marriage is in ruins, you’re a mess and your baby’s now fatherless thanks to Sarah wanting jump your husband’s bones?’

  Despite myself, I laugh. ‘Be my guest.’

  ‘That’s the spirit,’ says Anna. ‘You just have to trust him as he’s away so much.’ We’re looking at eye creams and she holds one up. ‘Have you tried this one? It’s supposed to be amazing.’

  I take the box from her and look at it. ‘Wrinkles, dark circles, puffiness. How about a cream specifically for new mums?’ I say. ‘I guess they both had far too much to drink that night. That’s all.’

  ‘Do you think alcohol brings out the truth?’ Anna looks sideways at me.

  I put the eye cream back. ‘We have so much together. We have a baby coming in a matter of weeks.’ I look at her, pleading with my eyes for her to shut up: I’m on thin ice and I can hear it cracking. Anna stares back at me and, for a moment, I think she’s guessed that something happened with Simon, but then she looks down. ‘If I told you something, would you hold it against me?’

  ‘Excuse me.’ A woman tries to stretch past us to the shelf so Anna and I shuffle backwards a bit to allow her through. She stands right there in front of us, so we edge further down the aisle. Anna looks furtive, like a spy about to divulge a secret of significant importance.

  ‘What is it?’ I ask.

  She sighs and rubs her forehead. ‘I’ve been wondering whether or not to tell you, but Caroline also reckons something happened with him and Sarah in the kitchen that night.’

  Suddenly the shelves seem to close in on me. Rows and rows of cosmetics tower over me: names, bottles, tubes, tubs, prices, buy-two get-one-free, three for £10. I can’t breathe.

  ‘When they were getting the cake or something?’ Anna continues. ‘She said Sarah was always trying to get him alone in the kitchen. That it was quite obvious. And pathetic. “Like hormone-crazed teenagers” were her exact words.’

  I can’t breathe. Anna reaches out and touches my hand. She has no idea of the pressure in my chest; no idea her words have hit me like machine-gun fire. ‘I thought you might want to know,’ she says. ‘I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about. But if I were you, I’d want to know.’

  ‘No,’ I say, and it refers to both: no, I don’t want to know, and no, it didn’t happen. ‘She’s just stirring up trouble. It’s what she does.’ I struggle to make my voice sound normal. The seed of doubt now bears a shiny, green shoot. It’s not just me who thought something might have happened in the kitchen.

  Anna smiles at me. ‘Yes, you’re right. Of course nothing happened. Come on.’ She turns and starts to walk away down the aisle. ‘I’m glad I’ve told you, though,’ she says over her shoulder. ‘Friends shouldn’t keep secrets.’

  Tears spring to my eyes. I’m suddenly damp and prickly hot, and I rip at my scarf trying to get it off, and fan my face with my hand. Anna’s still talking, then she turns and realizes I’m not behind her. She rushes back and puts her hand under my elbow.

  ‘What’s wrong? Are you okay? Oh my god, I didn’t think you’d take it like this. You’re right. Caroline’s just stirring. It’s okay.’

  I can’t stop the tears, so I turn to the shelf to try and hide my face both from Anna and from passers-by. Anna scrabbles in her bag and passes me a tissue. I rest my head on the edge of the shelf and gulp in as much air as I can get in the heat of the shop.

  ‘I think they already kissed. The night they went out for dinner to discuss my birthday.’ I tell her about the silence at the front door. ‘It was a good few seconds.’

  Anna rubs her hand over her mouth, then taps her lips, thinking. ‘Some friend she’s turning out to be. No wonder she asked you out for lunch. She probably wanted to get you onside before she went after your husband. What do they say? Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer?’ She shudders.

  I dissolve into tears again. ‘The evidence is all there, isn’t it?’

  Anna sighs. ‘Look, it’s a difficult time for a man, seeing his wife pregnant. Maybe he feels insecure about how much attention the baby’s going to get. Maybe he doesn’t even know why he’s doing it. All he knows is that when a pretty woman is giving him attention, it feels good. Men are basic creatures. Don’t forget that.’ She laughs and I try to smile but my lip wobbles. ‘Look,’ she says, ‘it’ll all be over in a couple of weeks. You’ll have the baby and you’ll be the centre of his universe again. You’ll be the most amazing, wonderful person on the planet for giving birth to his child. I promise. This’ll all blow over. It will. This is just a wobble. A tiny wobble.’ She pats my back. ‘Come on, come on, Tay. Let’s get you outside. Find you somewhere to sit. I’m so sorry. This is all my fault. I shouldn’t have said anything.’

  I can’t speak. I try to swallow but there’s a lump in my throat. I blow my nose on what tiny corner of the tissue isn’t saturated with tears. Anna leads me by the elbow to a bench in the mall, sits me on it and dashes back into Boots to get some water. I watch the people passing us by, hands full of carrier bags, going about their happy lives. Suddenly I feel alien, like a stranger in their midst. An aching for home – my real home – squeezes my insides and I honestly wish I could give up and go back to the States, back to my life there before it all got so… complicated.

  ‘Right,’ Anna says, handing me the bottle of water. ‘Sip this. How are you feeling now?’

  ‘He’s cheated before,’ I blurt. ‘When we were in the States. It’s why we moved here. A fresh start.’ Like a sprinter off the blocks, my secret’s gone. Anna’s mouth hangs open, her eyes wide. ‘What?’

  ‘You heard.’

  She blows out and leans back. ‘Whoah. That puts it all in a completely different light.’

  ‘I know. Once a cheat, always a cheat. Isn’t that what they say?’

  Anna doesn’t reply but her face says it all. I wa
ve my hands up and down to try and fan my face.

  ‘God, this is embarrassing. I feel like such a failure. I’m a useless wife.’

  ‘Or maybe he’s a useless husband,’ Anna says. ‘Have you thought of it that way?’

  I feel my spine sag as a ball of tension inside me dissolves. Honestly, I’ve never thought of it that way.

  ‘Look,’ Anna says, ‘I don’t know what happened but the one thing I know is that it isn’t your fault.’ She sits down next to me. ‘I suspect Rob cheats as well. I’ve never actually caught him. It’s harder because he’s away from home for so long. But I’ve often suspected he has a girlfriend in Qatar.’

  ‘What? How can you live with that?’

  Anna shrugs and exhales through her teeth. ‘Well, it’s not as if I know for certain. And what can I do about it anyway? Short of flying over there and catching them, it’s hard for me to check up. But there’s been the odd thing that’s made me stop and go “what the…?”’

  ‘Have you ever asked him?’

  She shakes her head. ‘I’m pregnant. I don’t earn enough to bring up this baby alone. I need him. For now. That’s the nuts and bolts of it.’

  ‘So you ignore it?’

  ‘I try not to think about it. That’s what I do.’

  We sit in silence for a moment, watching shoppers weave around us. I see a woman who’s heavily pregnant, her enormous stomach protruding way in front of her. She’s pushing a toddler in a pushchair and she looks happy, competent, in control, and I wonder if she has moments like this; if it’s just me who’s losing the plot the closer I get to giving birth.

  ‘I blame myself for Jake straying,’ I say. ‘It’s different for you as Rob practically lives away from you, but Jake’s here at least fifty per cent of the time. I was so focused on conceiving…’

  ‘His child!’ Anna interrupts, her eyebrows raised, and I smile gratefully at her. Sometimes I forget it’s his child too.

  ‘It’s a massive gift you’re giving him. He should’ve been pandering to your every whim, worshipping the ground you walk on, not getting his end away elsewhere.’ She shakes her head. ‘And to think of all that you went through… the ones you lost – the heartbreak. Oh, you poor, poor thing.’ She rubs my arm.

  ‘Thank you.’ I sniff. ‘Thank you for saying that. But I blame myself. I carry that around with me all the time. I think about it at night when I can’t sleep.’

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’

  ‘We made a deal: London was a new start. We weren’t going to talk about it. But now I’ve thrown it back at Jake, told Simon and now you.’

  Anna stiffens. ‘You told Simon? Umm, am I missing something?’

  Irritation flares inside me. ‘Oh, come on! He’s not so bad.’

  Anna facepalms.

  ‘Look,’ I say. ‘I know he’s a bit odd, but he’s a full-time carer. He’s lonely, and he’s a computer guy. They’re all a bit geeky, aren’t they? Not the best social skills, but I think he’s basically a sound guy.’

  ‘Erm, no. We’re going to have to agree to disagree on this one. He’s got an agenda. I don’t know what it is but I don’t like it. I mean, look at the way he turned up at your house with those presents. You’ve got to admit that was odd. How did he even know where you live?’ Anna sighs. ‘And as for the business cards – don’t you think it’s very convenient he was the one who found them?’ She shakes her head at me. ‘You’re such an innocent. I despair.’

  ‘He used to be married,’ I say. ‘He almost had a baby.’

  ‘What do you mean? How do you “almost” have a baby?’

  I tell her Simon’s story, and then it all comes tumbling out about him coming to the house and feeling my belly. I’d forgotten she didn’t know about that. Anna listens with her hand over her mouth and her eyes wide.

  ‘Okay,’ she says when I’m done. ‘Is there anything else you haven’t told me? Tay…’ She peers intently at me. ‘Come on, spit it out. Something else happened, didn’t it? I can read you like a book.’

  ‘He kissed me,’ I blurt.

  ‘What? When?’

  ‘That night we had dinner. We went for a walk down by the river, and…’

  ‘And what? Did he have to hold you down? Because I would have poked his eyes out…’ She looks at me, horror creeping across her face. ‘Did you respond?’

  ‘No. No, I…’ Unbidden, the feel of his mouth on mine comes back to me. ‘I stopped him.’

  ‘Oh my god. Tay. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me this. It’s harassment! You could go to the police. You should go to the police.’

  I shake my head. Despite everything, I don’t feel a sense of danger. Not like Anna does.

  ‘No. I can’t do that. It’s fine. It’s fine now. It was just a kiss, and I stopped it. He apologized, and it won’t happen again. I’ve seen him since, and it was fine.’

  But Anna’s shaking her head. ‘You’re so wrong about him. I’ve seen how he looks at you. He practically salivates when he sees you. Licks his lips like Hannibal Lecter. I don’t know what he wants from either of us but it isn’t good. There’s something really creepy about him.’

  ‘He was really apologetic. As soon as it happened. He said it would never happen again.’

  ‘And you believe him?’ Anna looks upwards. ‘Dear God, help me make this woman see. I’ll come with you to the police if you want to report him. What if he tries something else? He knows where you live. He knows Jake’s away… He knows you’re on your own. He could do anything.’

  ‘I’m not going to the police.’

  Anna takes a deep breath in and paces up and down, pushing her hands through her hair, then she sits back down next to me.

  ‘I’m so glad you told me all this. You have to take it seriously. Trust me, I should know.’ She looks pointedly at me. ‘Right, here’s what we’re going to do. You’re not to be on your own with him again. Okay? You hear me? If you want to go walking, we go together. We don’t even need to go with the group; we’ll go just the two of us. Okay? And you’re not to tell him when Jake’s away. If he turns up at your house, don’t let him in. Make an excuse, say we’re going out, say someone’s coming over, say Jake’s upstairs and he’s a black belt – anything.’ She looks into my eyes, imploring. ‘Please, take this seriously. You know nothing about the guy. Nothing. He’s a weird bloke, and he’s always been weird around you. Remember I told you that that first day we went to Costa? I wasn’t joking. I’ve a nose for things like this. Trust me. Promise me you’ll take this seriously?’

  I nod but, mentally, my fingers are crossed. I still can’t help thinking she’s overly paranoid because of what happened to her.

  ‘Good,’ she says. ‘Because if you don’t take it seriously, I’ll tell Jake and I’ll tell the police. They should know. I’m not losing another friend.’

  Subconsciously, I put my fingers to my lips, remembering the feel of Simon’s mouth on mine as I nod.

  ‘Right, do you feel a bit better now?’ Anna asks, standing up and stretching. ‘Shall we get going?’

  ‘If we must.’ I stand up slowly, my muscles stiff. ‘God, what a morning. I feel like I’ve done ten rounds with Mike Tyson.’

  *

  Later that evening, I pick up the phone to call Caroline. I want to hear it from her. But I hang up before she answers. She calls back within a minute.

  ‘Taylor? It’s Caroline. I have a missed call from you?’ She sounds like the CEO of a multinational on a conference call. What was it she said she was? An architect?

  ‘Thanks for calling back,’ I say. ‘I just wanted to ask if you…’ I squirm. ‘Oh god, this is so silly. Forget it. It’s okay. Bye.’

  ‘What’s silly? What were you going to ask?’

  ‘Oh, nothing.’

  ‘Clearly not nothing or you wouldn’t be twisting yourself inside out on the phone to me.’ She pauses then exhales. ‘Is this about Jake and Sarah?’

  I sigh. ‘Yes. You know him. Do you there’s anyth
ing going on between them?’

  There’s a silence that stretches. Then Caroline speaks. ‘Did Anna tell you that we spoke? Typical.’ She sighs. ‘Look, I don’t know. What do you think? In my experience, wives with hunches are usually right about these things.’

  ‘I don’t know. I don’t know what to think any more.’

  ‘Well, here’s a suggestion. The only people you’re going to get an answer from are Jake and Sarah. Not me.’ And with that, she hangs up.

  Thirty-three

  The next book club was to be at Caroline’s house, a detached, white-painted Victorian pile hidden behind its own wrought-iron gates. Jake was away. It was his last trip before the baby came, and it was longer than usual – bartered with me on a solemn promise that he’d be home for the next three months. Anna was also away, seeing Rob as he flew back to Qatar through London. I called up Caroline to tell her I couldn’t go either, and suggested we take a raincheck.

  ‘Is this about Sarah?’ Caroline said on the phone, and I heard her take a swig of wine. ‘Because if it is, you mustn’t hide away. You need to face her. Show her. That’s my opinion. So I’ll see you at eight, okay?’

  I took a cab.

  ‘How’s Jake?’ Caroline asks after she’s buzzed me through the gates and walked me across the hardwood floors to what she refers to as the drawing room. For all her support earlier, she looks too innocent and I wonder what she’s up to. One minute nice, the next minute a bitch. I get the feeling she’s enjoying the car crash of my life – sitting back with her popcorn, watching.

  ‘He’s away,’ I say, and Caroline raises one arched eyebrow as she takes a sip of wine.

  ‘When did you say the baby’s due?’

  ‘Two weeks, if it comes on time.’

  ‘And when will he be back?’

  ‘Before then,’ I say with a smile that I hope says ‘shut up’ but she doesn’t.

  ‘I’m surprised you let him go,’ she says, her voice dripping with meaning.

  I shrug.

  ‘He was always a drifter,’ she says. ‘At school. Never one to settle.’ She stares thoughtfully into the middle distance. ‘I never thought he would get married, actually. Men like him, they don’t like to settle.’ She looks at me and gives a little laugh. ‘Maybe that’s why he travels so much.’