Falling to Pieces

by Leddy Harper

  “I get it, Axel. You don’t have to explain it to me.” I gripped the phone tightly in my hand, pressing it against the side of my face, becoming so completely torn. My emotions were all over the place, fried and burnt. I couldn’t listen to him over-explain it any more than he already had. “This is just really confusing to me, and I…” I let out a sigh as I said, “I don’t know.”

  “Talk to me, Bree. Tell me, don’t dance around it. I’m not a mind reader.”

  I rolled onto my back and stared at the dark ceiling above me, hoping to find the courage to give him an honest, straightforward answer. If I expected this crush—or whatever it was—to go away and see him for who he really was, for what his purpose was in my life, I’d have to keep it real and get it all out.

  He’s on the phone, you don’t even have to look at him. You can say this. You can be honest with him. Do it now while the door is open, before you lose the chance. I closed my eyes and opened my mouth, not thinking about the words as they came rushing out with raw candor.

  “I’ve never had anyone care about me before, or at least they never showed it. I’m not used to having someone watch out for my best interests, wanting to keep me safe, protect me. And I’ve never gotten attention from the opposite sex, either. So this is all so confusing to me. I think you care about me, like you want to be around me. Like you want to talk to me. And I know why you do, you’ve been very clear about that, but you have to understand, I’m sixteen years old. The naïve, romantic inside—the small part that hasn’t been murdered by my parents—likes the way it feels. I like the way you see me, and I like knowing I have someone to talk to. But it’s hard to remind myself that this isn’t romantic. This isn’t anything more than you having a hero complex, and me playing the part of the damsel in distress.”

  His end of the line became very quiet, and I worried I’d lost him. I feared he’d hung up after hearing my confession…after I’d told him my brutal truth.

  “I’m not saying I have a thing for you. Don’t misunderstand me. I only wanted you to know where I am coming from. I am smart enough to know where you stand, and I’m not some dumb idiot that takes things out of context. But I am still a girl, one that has never been in a relationship of any kind. A girl that dreams of having someone look at her the way you do. I want to be seen. I want to be loved. And it’s hard not to grow attached to the only person in my entire life giving me all that.”

  “Bree…”

  “You don’t have to say anything. I know how you feel, and now you know how I do. You wanted me to be honest with you, so I am. Please, don’t say anything else. I think we’re both on the same page. Nothing else needs to be explained.” I knew that wouldn’t stop him, but I at least had to try. My chest ached from my confession, and I knew it would hurt so much worse if I had to hear his harsh words.

  “Bree, this thing between you and I—”

  “You and me,” I corrected him, cutting off his words.

  “What?”

  “You said ‘you and I,’ and that’s crappy grammar. It’s supposed to be ‘you and me.’ If you remove the ‘you’ from the sentence, you’d know which one to use. It’s misused a lot, yet there’s a very easy way to know which word to use correctly.” I wanted to smack myself…and then laugh. Smack myself because this was not the time to correct his English, however, it felt good to tease him as if we weren’t in the middle of a serious conversation.

  “I’m a history teacher, not a grammar expert,” he said with a laugh.

  Once I heard his deep, rumbling chuckle, my own laughter bubbled out. And suddenly, the weight that surrounded me began to ease. The darkness that filled the space around me lightened, and the air cooled. All it took was one laugh from Axel to calm my racing heart, lessen the tension in my muscles, and soothe the heat that had flushed my cheeks.

  “True, but you’re still an educated adult. I may be your student, and a child in your eyes, but that doesn’t mean you should sound like ignorant kids my age.” In my head, it sounded funny, but out loud, all my words did was point out the obvious: he was an adult, and I was not.

  “In my defense, most people your age aren’t as smart as you.”

  I appreciated how he didn’t call me a kid and gave me a compliment at the same time. It made me smile and become slightly more confident. “Guess that means when you talk to me, you need to up your game, huh? I wouldn’t want to show you up in the intelligence department. It might embarrass you.” My voice came out light due to the ear-to-ear grin on my face, my playfulness obvious in every word.

  “Bree, I’m rather certain that you’re more intelligent than I. Me. I am? Now you have me confused and slightly terrified to use the wrong word,” he said, causing us both to laugh uncontrollably.

  I had to turn my face into the pillow in order to keep my giggles from waking my mother. After our talk earlier, I didn’t think she’d barge into my room, not to mention, she hadn’t had any wine, but I didn’t want to take the chance.

  “But back to what I was saying before your impromptu grammar lesson…” His voice slowly calmed down and turned more serious, causing my giggles to die. “This thing between you and me? I don’t want to lead you on. I don’t want you to be confused, or think too much into it. That’s the last thing I want, because if you’re uncomfortable with me, I worry you won’t come to me if you need to. And it scares me to think of you in danger, or pain, and not have anyone to turn to. I won’t show up at your house again, I promise. But I need you to tell me what else I should do—or not do—in order to keep this friendship in check. Like I’ve said, this is new to me. And it’s new to you, too. Maybe we should set boundaries, ground rules, something to make sure neither of us cross any imaginary lines.”

  I took a moment to breathe, to watch the shadows of the trees from outside my window dance along my wall, and waited for the crushing weight to press against my chest. But it never came. The sting of tears never surfaced, the knot in my lower belly never formed, and the invisible hand around my heart never tightened. What I did feel, though, was respect. It blossomed into a heated veil that covered me. His words didn’t burn like I thought they would, the rejection absent from them. Maybe because I knew they were coming? Or maybe because his words echoed my own thoughts? Whatever the reasons, a comfort took ahold of my insides, and I knew he wasn’t turning his back on me. He had no intentions of leaving me and walking away. He still wanted to be there for me. And that’s when my own feelings became clear.

  What I thought had been a developing crush on my teacher, was nothing more than the deep desire to be cared for. I didn’t need his physical affection, or even for him to think of me as anything other than a student that needed his protection. And just like that, I was okay.

  “You’re not doing anything wrong, Axel. I only wanted you to be aware of how my brain works. I’m not saying I have a crush on you, or that I’m expecting something to come from this. All I wanted to do was get it all out so there would be no possible way my mind could twist anything and somehow convince myself our friendship is more than it is. That’s all. But now that we’ve got that out of the way, hopefully any future bantering or unexpected phone calls won’t become awkward or strained. I have enough of that in my life…I’d really like to have a relationship with someone that is natural and easy.”

  “I’d like that, too.” I heard the grin in his tone, and if I closed my eyes, it was as though I could see him right in front of me. Smirk and all. “So…before I get off here and get ready for tomorrow, is there anything else you want to talk about? Your mom? Life? Fucking rainbows?”

  I laughed and shook my head at his inappropriate—yet completely at ease—language. “Nope. Nothing else. I didn’t really mean to text you earlier. I think the ability to simply text someone became too much to resist. Anytime I’ve ever wanted to talk to someone before, I never had the option.”

  “Never apologize for reaching out to me. That’s what I gave you the phone for, remember? I know I said to use
it for emergencies, and that was the primary reason for giving it to you, but I’m always here to listen if you need to talk. Everyone needs someone to talk to.”

  “Thank you, Axel.”

  “Goodnight, Bree.”

  I ended the call, flipped the top closed, and held the phone to my chest. I’d be lying if I said my heart didn’t do a little somersault, or that my stomach didn’t house thousands of tiny butterflies when I closed my eyes and thought about my new friend. But I wasn’t stupid, either. I didn’t fall asleep dreaming of a future with Axel, filled with half a dozen red-haired, blue-eyed kids. I didn’t wake up and choose my outfit with him in mind. I didn’t walk into school with an eagerness to see him. No. I dreamt of security, I dressed for the weather, and walked into class eager to learn.

  Seeing his smile from across the room was merely a bonus.

  “Morning, Bree,” Axel said as I took my seat in front of him. The sly expression on his face appeared dangerous, as if it harbored a secret. And then I felt my own form on my lips and realized what that secret was…our late-night chat on the phone.

  It didn’t matter that we hadn’t done anything wrong. There really wasn’t much of a secret to keep. Sure, a teacher bought a phone for his student, and they had a conversation. But delving deeper into it—the reason he bought her the phone, what they talked about—proved they had nothing to be ashamed of. We had nothing to worry about, or anything to hide. But that didn’t stop us from exchanging quick, knowing glances before looking away.

  There was something exciting about danger.

  The enticing allure of it all.

  It made people want to have secrets.

  “Morning, Mr. Taylor.” I made sure to enunciate his name, if only to ruffle his feathers. And I knew I got to him when he produced a crooked grin that took over his face and his head shook side to side in silent laughter.

  “Feeling better today?” he asked once his eyes met mine again, the initial reaction to seeing each other gone. “You seem better, more…spunky.”

  “Tons better. Thank you. And I don’t know about being spunky, but I have had quite an odd morning. My mom was in the kitchen when I came downstairs for breakfast. She’s always gone by the time I wake up for school. So it was surprising to see her. I guess she was waiting for me. She asked how I was, felt my forehead, and then left. It was bizarre.”

  He cocked his head to the side and narrowed his gaze at me. “Think she’s feeling bad about yesterday?”

  “Maybe…but I don’t want to get my hopes up. I don’t—”

  “Mr. Taylor…” Rebecca interrupted me as she trotted over to his desk and leaned her hip against the edge. She held her books to her chest, but traced some invisible line along the top of his desk with her manicured fingertip, very close to his resting arm. “I think I’m going to need some extra help for this test we have on Friday. I’m just not getting it, and I want to do good on it.”

  Irritation burned within me as I watched her openly flirt with him, but it quickly vanished once Axel spoke. “Well. You want to do well on the test.” Then he glanced back at me with a raised eyebrow, as if seeking my approval. “And although I appreciate your desire to pass my class, I’ve given you all the information you need for the test. We will continue going over it today and tomorrow. If you for some reason don’t pass this one, I believe the library has a list of student tutors that can help you for future tests.”

  “Oh…well, I was kinda hoping you offered afterschool lessons.”

  I could tell he fought to keep his eyes off mine as he answered. “No. I’m sorry, but I don’t offer those. There are plenty of students in this school capable of giving help to you if that’s what you’re looking for.”

  Rebecca huffed out a breath, making girls my age seem incompetent and immature, and then left her perch, flouncing to her seat. Her desk was close to mine, so I couldn’t make any comments to Axel without her overhearing. Instead, I decided to write it down and pass it to him.

  Very proud of your English skills.

  Without looking at him, I could hear his soft laughter and imagined him shaking his head as he often did when he found something funny. But I couldn’t chance seeing for myself. Our “secret” may have only been obvious to us, but the mere thought of someone else finding out, and then having to give it up, had me overly cautious around him.

  I learned from the best.

  The paper slid in front of me before he stood from his seat to take the podium. The music in the halls sounded, and everyone knew the bell would ring any second. Students rushed through the door and took their seats. And then class began.

  As he taught from the front of the class, I took notes, neither of us catching each other’s eyes. It felt strange to purposely look down instead of at him. But I no longer needed to seek out his attention. I didn’t need to lock eyes with him or see him smile to gain reassurance. I knew I had him on my side. Our conversation the night before had left me settled. Prior to that talk, each time his eyes had met mine or he’d say something to me, confusion and insecurities bred doubt and panic within my mind. But not anymore. I no longer felt that way.

  I’m sure it’s perfectly normal for a teenage girl to crush on her hot teacher. What’s not normal is when said hot teacher returns her attention, growing it into affection, and turning that into an affair. An illegal, very dangerous affair. Lives become ruined when those things happen. I would know all about that… I was a freshman when a teacher from my school had been caught with his pants down with an underage student. It’s all anyone talked about for a year. And then my mom helped prosecute him. So needless to say, ever since meeting Axel, worry over his job, his livelihood, my reputation, and everything in between, festered into paranoia. But I didn’t feel that way anymore. Our conversation the night before had given me great insight, and I knew where he stood, but more importantly, I knew where I stood.

  Knowledge truly is a beautiful thing.

  Everything seemed to settle down after that. My cold got better, my fears dimmed, and even my insecurities began to ease. My mom grew more distant, though. She never did apologize for anything, but that wasn’t something new. Her insults and aggressive lectures turned into dismissals and avoidance. She ignored me most of the time, and when she did talk, it was nothing more than asking me to pass the salt at dinner. I didn’t know what I was complaining about, since all I wanted was for the hostility to end. And it had. Only, in its place, I had gotten nothing. Absolutely nothing. I had to tell myself that silence was golden, and that this was better than words filled with resentment and loathing.

  As for Axel, we somehow built a pretty solid friendship. I didn’t see him outside of school again after the day he had stopped by my house, but that didn’t mean we didn’t talk. We’d share a few words before class, leave notes for each other on occasion—never saying anything that could get either of us in trouble—and we exchanged text messages and phone calls. Nothing major, but it was enough to fill me with a confidence I’d never experienced before. I had a friend. For the first time in my life, I had someone to say “hi” to. I had someone there for me to confide in.

  It wouldn’t surprise me to find out how many people take that for granted. It’s an easy thing to do. When you’re so used to having people in your life, people that call just to talk about their day or ask about yours, when you’ve never known what true isolation is like, it’s easy to forget how lucky you are. Me, on the other hand, I knew the other side of the coin. I understood all too well what it meant to be lonely, to harbor everything inside because there’s no one to listen to you. And that’s why having Axel as a friend provided me with a natural high. It had me soring with confidence. But it also made me understand what I stood to lose if anyone found out.

  We couldn’t become careless, because if rumors started, we both knew we’d have to back off. He never said it, but I was smart enough to understand that although he needed to protect me, he still had to watch out for the ramifications of having a frie
ndship with me. And then I’d be back at square one. I wasn’t ready for that, and felt I never would be. So I made sure to act normal around him, call him Mr. Taylor in class, and never say anything that could be taken out of context—in notes or texts.

  But all my cautious acting and plotted words didn’t protect me from what happened two weeks later. It was a Saturday, the last day of January. My mom had some kind of work-related fundraiser to attend that evening, and I wanted to be out of her hair while she got ready. We’d managed to go three weeks without an argument, and I didn’t want to ruin the streak. So I headed out back with a book and decided to read in the quietness that nature provided.

  My street formed a V with the one behind us. Trees separated the backs of the houses, growing thicker the farther away from the intersection you went. I lived only four houses away from the corner, so the tree line in my back yard wasn’t as wide as it was five houses down, but it gave me enough privacy to read without interruptions. While some people had a favorite recliner by a fireplace or a special corner in Starbucks where they liked to read, I had my forest. It allowed me to be alone without feeling lonely. Nature had a way of offering peaceful company without the judgment or uncomfortable silence.

  Sitting on a bed of leaves with my back resting against a tree trunk, I pulled my jacket tight around my torso and thought of Axel. Over the last few weeks, he’d become everything I enjoyed about nature—comforting and calming. But much like the outdoors, nothing could be predicted. Weather wasn’t reliable—you never knew when a storm could come and tear apart everything you’ve built. No matter how often man attempts to predict Mother Nature, nothing is certain. Tectonic plates shift without warning, and the earth opens up, swallowing anything that comes within reach. Volcanoes erupt and release hot magma from deep within the earth, covering everything it reaches in molten lava. Tsunamis form and travel hundreds of miles before crashing into land, smothering all kinds of life upon contact with its tidal wave of destruction. No one can predict these things, no matter how hard they try.