Falling to Pieces

by Leddy Harper

  My voice lowered, but it remained just as harsh as I said, “Don’t blame me for that. You chose to do it all by yourself. You chose to keep me out of it. So don’t stand here and act all justified for lying to me about her. Don’t act like I knocked you up and then split, making you do it all alone.”

  Her arms spread out and she leaned her chest in, as if ready for combat. “What was I supposed to do, Axel…put up a smoke signal, letting you know you had a kid? You vanished! You packed up your house and you left! You took that choice away from me.”

  My hostility deflated some, knowing she was right. In all the anger that boiled inside me about not knowing that I’d had a kid, I never once thought about how that must’ve been for her. I did leave, and I’d made it nearly impossible for her to find me. Not to mention, at that time, I had no idea about her mom and that her dad had taken her away, too. “Fine. I get it, I left and inadvertently forced you to do it all by yourself. However, you’re missing one very big, important key to this equation… You’ve known for a week and a half that I live here. I’ve known for a week that you even have a daughter. I’ve asked about who her father was, and you lied to me.”

  “I never lied to you, Axel. I just didn’t say it was you. I worded things in a way that you wouldn’t know it was you. You never asked me outright if she was yours, so I never lied.” Her voice had gone weak, the battle in her tone nearly disappearing, yet she remained strong in her plight.

  I laughed humorlessly at her mention of wording things. “Are you kidding me? We had sex once, Aubrey! I wore a condom. It didn’t rip. It wasn’t defective, as you stated before. I was never even inside of you bare until last week. Did the thought even cross my mind that she was mine? Maybe for a split nanosecond. But most of that was purely out of wishful thinking. Not to mention, I was sure that if she had been mine, you would’ve told me. We talked about having a family together—no! We planned that in our future together. So why in the hell would I question you when you tell me it was just some kid from school?”

  “Fuck you, Axel!” The tears came back, cascading down to her quivering chin. “You make it sound like it was just some random fuck. ‘It was one time. I wore a condom. It didn’t rip.’” She mimicked me with an emotionless attitude, trying to portray that I had said it like that. “It was my fucking virginity, asshole! I gave that to you. I trusted you enough to have it!”

  “Stop twisting my words. You know it meant just as much to me as it did to you.”

  “Do I? Do I really, Axel? Because right now, I don’t.”

  I took a small step closer to her. My anger still burned within me, but at the same time, I felt broken by her accusation—her belief that her gift to me meant nothing. “I remember that day so vividly. I remember the tears I shed after school over your pain—the one and only time in my adult life I’ve ever cried. Because of you. I can’t get the images of your back out of my head, even after six years. The way you flinched when I cleaned your cuts, when I bandaged them. I’ve replayed every minuscule detail in my mind over and over again, to the point where I’d convinced myself that our time together on my couch had only been a dream. If I’d only wanted to fuck you, I would’ve done it in my back yard on prom night. I don’t know if you’ve forgotten, but I tried to push you away. I’d brought you home to clean up your back, not to take your virginity. And if it didn’t mean anything to me, I would’ve taken you in my kitchen, with you on the counter, instead of carrying you to the couch where you’d be more comfortable. I would’ve had you beneath me, not caring about your injuries. I would’ve taken charge instead of letting you lead the whole way.

  “That’s not how I’d wanted it to be with you for the first time. That’s not how I wanted you to give yourself to me. You were cut and hurt…you were in pain after suffering another round of abuse by your mother. That’s not how I wanted it to be between us. But the way you begged me to make you feel safe, to love you the way no other man ever would…I couldn’t say no. It was your gift to give, and I had to let you do it your way, accepting it without concern for the consequences. I would have rather waited until I could love you the way you deserved to be loved your first time. Had I known what would’ve happened that week at school, I never would’ve done it.” My voice had grown so quiet, so gravelly, I almost didn’t think it was mine.

  “That’s where we differ. Even knowing what happened after that, I still wouldn’t take it back. Ayla saved my life. I went to the hospital because I suffered from hyperemesis gravidarum. I couldn’t even keep water down, and I became incredibly dehydrated. Without that, I may have never found the right time to tell anyone about my mother’s abuse. I would’ve never gotten out from beneath her and come to live with my dad. So regardless of what happened or how…she saved me. And she’s a part of you. So in some tiny way, you fulfilled that promise. I have not one single part of me that would take that back if given the opportunity.”

  “That’s fantastic, Bree. I’m really fucking happy that it all worked out for you. My daughter saved your life, while mine fell apart. But that’s neither here nor there. Once again, we were fucked by circumstance. However, none of that excuses your lies—I’m sorry…omission of the truth. You had so many chances to tell me. Yet you chose not to. You chose to keep her from me.”

  “I needed time to work it out!” she screamed in my face, clearly out of patience. “I never thought I’d see you again, Axel. How was I supposed to know you’d show up in the same town I’ve lived in for six years? How was I supposed to know you’d wind up a kindergarten teacher? How could I have possibly guessed that Ayla’s teacher would’ve had a heart attack and you’d fill in for her? These things don’t happen in real life! I never needed to figure out how to tell you because I never thought I’d have the chance. So fucking forgive me for not knowing how to handle it!”

  “But at some point, Bree”—I drew my face dangerously close to hers, lowing my voice—“you were going to tell me. Once you worked it out. Once you figured out how to let me know that I have a kid. Did you happen to think about my reaction then? Do you honestly think that had Ayla not spilled the beans, and I heard it from your mouth instead, it would’ve made this better?”

  “I don’t know!” She shoved at my chest, knocking me back a few steps, and stormed across the room. “I was completely caught off guard, Axel. I mean, I woke up in your freaking living room for crying out loud. I was hung over and in shock of seeing you again. I didn’t think the salad dressing aisle at the super market made a good place to confess that sort of thing. And the next time I saw you, you were sitting with her! What do you expect?”

  “Okay, fine. I admit you were taken by surprise. But what about at the hospital? What about after we came back here? We sat on your bed and talked about her. I asked you about her father. We made love. Why not then?”

  “You mean when I was worried about my dad?”

  I let out a frustrated grunt. “You didn’t seem so worried about him when you were naked beneath me.”

  “Fuck you!”

  Another thought shot to the forefront of my mind, causing me to ask it before giving it much thought. “You were more than okay having sex without a condom, letting me come inside you. How sure are you that I’m her father? Her last name is Bailey. Where did that come from?”

  “Are you fucking kidding me right now? I’ve had sex twice in my life…both times have been with you. I wasn’t lying when I said I hadn’t slept with anyone since the time I got pregnant with Ayla. You were inside me…how loose was I, Axel?”

  The room began to spin, causing me to sit on the couch before falling over. Just the thought of her remaining innocent for six years, while I went out in search of that feeling again with other women, made me sick to my stomach. She’d truly only given herself to me. And I couldn’t help but feel as though I’d let her down in some way, regardless if it had been unintentional.

  “You didn’t seem to mind fucking me without a condom, either. So don’t you dare point your h
ypocritical finger at me and call me a slut.” Her voice was loud, anger and offense burning hot in her words.

  I sat on the couch, my head turned toward her, needing to see her eyes. “Then explain her last name. Why isn’t it Jacobs…or Taylor?”

  “I told my dad that I couldn’t get ahold of her father. I knew who he was, but he moved shortly after I got pregnant, and I didn’t know how to find him. He told me to put his name down on the birth certificate anyway. That way, if he ever showed up, it would be less of a fight to get him to contribute. I didn’t want to list your name, because I didn’t want you to get in trouble. I’d told the school that we were never intimate, and I worried what would happen if they found out. I was trying to protect you.”

  “So what name did you use?” I don’t think I blinked the entire time she spoke.

  “I just made one up. I told the nurses that I knew his name but none of his information. And that I couldn’t get ahold of him to find out his birthplace or any of the stuff I needed. They said to just put down what I knew.”

  Numbly, I stood up and stalked toward her. “So your family doesn’t know?”

  She shook her head slowly. “My dad has no idea. He found out about you after he came to get me, and didn’t have anything nice to say. He didn’t get it. He thought you were some pervert preying on a child, so I couldn’t tell him the baby was yours. He asked me when he found out, but I told him no. Sarah, on the other hand, she knows. We had to share a room since we’re almost the same age, and so we talked a lot. I told her all about you, about what we had, and how it all ended. She’s the one that told me to make up a name. So I did.”

  “Your lies have no bounds, do they?”

  Her eyes widened, burning bright with shock and indignation. “I did it to protect you!”

  “You did it to protect yourself!” My outburst stunned me, realizing that protecting her had been my number one goal all those years ago. All I wanted was for her to be safe, and she’d done just that. But the resentment took hold, overpowering logic in my mind, and wouldn’t let me fully process it all.

  “Are you kidding me? What did I possibly have to lose by naming you the father? Nothing! The school and my dad already viewed me as a victim. Knowing you had sex with me and impregnated me would only justify that claim.”

  Back when she was my student, I’d always had a fear that I would be seen as the monster. That no one would understand how I felt about her. I wasn’t some middle-aged man, looking for a teenager fresh out of puberty. In fact, I wasn’t looking for anyone. I’d just started my career, happy to be doing what I loved—teaching. I’d never even dated a girl more than two years younger than me before meeting Bree. Hell, I was young myself. I was only twenty-four. Yet I knew, no matter how old I was, how old Aubrey was, and regardless of our relationship, I’d be deemed the bad guy. Having the school view me in such a manner was one thing, but to be seen as a pervert by her father bothered me. I had my own opinions of the man after learning how he’d skipped out on her when she was younger, and it only recently got better when she told me how he came after her, and the life he’d given her since…but I didn’t like knowing that he’d condemned me before knowing anything about me.

  “Did you think of me at all? Did you wonder for even one second how having a kid would affect me? How having a child—with you of all people—and not knowing about her…how that would’ve affected me?”

  “Every damn day,” she said, nearly breathless. “But there was nothing I could’ve done about it. Think about it for a second, Axel. You thought I ratted you out to the school. I thought you didn’t come back for me because you’d gotten what you wanted. I thought you turned your back on me, and you thought I stabbed you in yours. You disappeared, and so did I. How in the world do you expect things to be different when you put all of that against us?”

  She had a point, and I had to concede. “Fine. I get it. Once again, circumstances ripped us apart. It’s never going to end, Bree. I fell in love with a seventeen-year-old student, and because of that, everything fell to pieces. We were doomed from the beginning. But that doesn’t take away the fact that I have a daughter. We may never be together, we may never get our shit straight when it comes to us…but I have a kid. And you won’t take that away from me again.”

  “This is what I meant by needing time to figure it all out, Axel.” She fought with a strong, sturdy tone. “You’re her teacher now. What will happen to your job? You fought with me last week when I suggested requesting a transfer. That’s no longer an option anymore. You can’t be her teacher, regardless of our relationship. And my dad is still recovering. How in the hell am I supposed to spring this on him? The moment Sarah saw you here last week, she knew. She knew immediately who you were. We talked about it, and she even agrees with me. We have to take this serious and tread lightly. You want to just jump in and play the daddy. That can’t happen, Axel.”

  “Like hell it can’t! She’s my kid! I’m sure once the school finds out, they won’t think twice about it. They will have sympathy for me, and not hold it against me. And your dad? Like I give a shit how he reacts to it. He already thinks I’m a criminal. Let him think worse of me. But I can tell you one thing he won’t call me—a dead-beat dad.” I backed away, feeling my face burn with frustration, animosity, pain, and complete, unadulterated fury. “You want time? Fine. I’ll give you time. You have one week to figure it out. I don’t care what you tell him, how you explain your lies to him, but I will be listed as her father on her birth certificate. And she will know I’m more than Mr. Taylor. She will know exactly who I am to her.”

  Aubrey’s mouth opened and closed without a single word escaping. I didn’t care to watch it anymore. Instead, I turned to leave, storming out of her door and to my truck on the road. As I looked in the rearview mirror, I noticed the blanket covering the table I’d picked up for her that morning. The same table I couldn’t wait to give her. So I got back out, yanked the blanket away, and with the force of my anger, I pulled it from the bed of the truck, throwing it in her front yard. Two of the legs snapped off as it landed on the grass. But I didn’t care. I didn’t care if she used it for firewood. I vowed that’d be the last thing I ever gave her.

  It began with my heart, and ended with a table.

  Both started out whole and sturdy, but left in broken pieces by the end.

  I couldn’t seem to calm down after leaving Aubrey’s house. My hands shook, my feet bounced, and my head throbbed. My chest burned, feeling as if a brick wall had fallen on me, yet my heart pounded away inside, threatening to break my ribs. I didn’t want a drink, but I couldn’t stop thinking about one. I couldn’t stop thinking about how just one drink would ease this pain inside, would numb this ache that threatened to swallow me whole. But I knew better. I’d come so far, accomplished so much, and knew that one drink wouldn’t be enough. With what I’d just been through, I wouldn’t be able to stop at the first. And now I had a daughter to think about. I had a real life to look forward to. And I wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize that.

  As I drove around, attempting to lose some of the adrenaline that coursed through me, I ended up finding myself at my sister’s house. I didn’t even call her, not mindful of where I was headed until I found myself parked in her driveway. I sat in my truck, parked in front of her house, contemplating everything. She came outside and stood with her arms folded, throwing daggers at me with her stare.

  “I can only assume this isn’t good, brother bear,” she said as I stepped out of the cab. “You never drop by unannounced, and by the look on your face, I know this isn’t a friendly visit. If you have alcohol on your breath, you might as well turn around and leave now. But I swear to you, if that’s the case, and you get behind that wheel, I’ll—”

  “Tracii! Stop! I haven’t had anything to drink. You’re right, this isn’t a friendly visit…but I haven’t had anything to drink. I just need my sister.” The desperation in my tone echoed in my ears. I didn’t even have to wonder what my
facial expression looked like.

  “Okay…” She relented, holding her palms up to calm me down. “I’m sorry. I’m just not used to seeing you this way. It’s been a while, and I freaked out. Do you want to come inside?”

  I nodded and followed her in to the kitchen, taking a seat at the bar while she continued making dinner. No words were spoken for a few minutes as we let the air settle around us. She chopped away at her vegetables while eyeing me.

  “Do you remember the girl I told you about? My student? Aubrey?”

  “How could I forget? That girl demolished you,” she said, not stopping her task.

  “Tracii, please don’t go there.” I knew my sister didn’t care much for Bree, but I also knew that was only her protective side coming out. She hated what happened to me after that. And she had been under the same impression I was—that Bree had turned me in. But beneath it all, she knew how much I loved her, and because of that, she couldn’t completely hate Aubrey. “I need to talk to you about her, and I need you to stay levelheaded. Please. I’m already shaken up, and I need you to ground me. If you can’t do that…if you’re going to do nothing but hate on her for what she’s done, then I’m going to leave. I need you to talk me off this ledge. And I came to you because I don’t trust myself with these thoughts I’m having right now.”

  She set the knife down, leaned against the counter, and met my gaze with hers. “Okay. You have my levelheaded attention.”

  I couldn’t hold back my laugh, and my shoulders bounced as the chuckle rippled through me. “I don’t think you’re capable of that, but thanks for the effort. Whatever you have to say about this, please keep my feelings in mind.”

  “I will, Axel. Now get on with it. I have dinner to make.”

  I rolled my eyes but set in to explain everything to her. I told her about the girl at the lake, how I’d gone there for a while and watched her. About the odd connection I felt with her, even though I had no idea who she was. Then I told her about the night I pulled her from the water, realizing who it was.