Falling to Pieces

by Leddy Harper

  “Where is your head at, son?”

  I ran my fingers through my hair, the length finally long enough to grab some. “In regards to Bree? I don’t know, Dad,” I said with a deep sigh. “I can’t even begin to give you an answer. The last time we talked wasn’t very pretty. I think we both have a lot to work through, not only with each other, but with ourselves, too. There is a big issue with trust between us.”

  “Well, you’re talking about another person involved, as well, an innocent child, Axel.” My father’s loud voice boomed through the line. “It doesn’t matter how you feel about her mother right now, or even how she feels about you. You both need to get your heads out of your asses and think about what’s best for that little girl.”

  “Axel,” my mom said, her melodic voice a massive contrast to my dad’s. “We trust you, honey. While we don’t agree with the decisions you’ve made regarding Bree, we trust that you know what you’re doing. But you can’t call us up, tell us we have another grandchild we know nothing about, and expect us to be calm about it. You made a mistake all those years ago and—”

  “No, I didn’t make a mistake, Mom. I’ve had a lot of time to think about it, and even though a lot of unnecessary things happened following those decisions we made and the relationship we both willingly entered, I don’t regret it at all.”

  “Sounds to me like you know what you want,” my mom said, sounding very assured in her words. “But knowing you, you’re too stubborn, and maybe even a little scared to go after it. You’re not her teacher anymore. She’s no longer your student. You’re both adults and free to work things out. Stop letting the past hold back your future. You have a daughter to think about now. You can’t afford to waste any more time.”

  I nodded, knowing she couldn’t see me, but it was all I could do with my words caught in my throat. I’d accused Bree of being a coward, and yet there I was, doing the same thing. I had allowed my anger over the entire situation—over everything that had ever happened to us—keep me from seeing the bigger picture.

  I had a daughter.

  And her mother would always be in my life. It just came down to how I wanted her in it. I couldn’t allow my fears of the truth, of our past, of our connection, to keep me from feeling.

  I hung up the phone, promising to keep them informed on Ayla and Bree, and gave into my thoughts. I laid down for bed that night, allowing my mind the free reign to feel it all, to go back to the first time I’d set eyes on Bree. The first time I saw her smile. And to the time I realized I loved her. I let it drift to the day she gave herself to me, the way she looked into my eyes and told me how much she loved me. How I’d held her shaky body as she straddled my hips, and promised I would always protect her. And then I thought back to the day I walked away, hearing her cry out for me. I allowed myself to remember the way her voice sounded—so desperate, so scared—and how I had to fight with every ounce of strength I had to not turn around.

  But no matter how I felt while reliving those moments, nothing compared to the emotion that filled me as I pictured her eyes, those bright-yellow wolf eyes on the dock after I pulled her from the water. Her hair plastered to her face, the fear in her eyes, the panic in each frantic breath she took. Because I’d felt it, too. I just hadn’t allowed myself to accept it. I’d always been the strong one between us. I’d always been the one to save her, protect her, and nothing made me feel weaker, more scared, than looking into those eyes after all that time.

  We had the power to save each other…yet we also had the ability to bring the other to their knees. When you have love as strong as ours, it can be amazing, powerful, life-changing. It can also be devastating, crippling, and destructive. It’s all in how you take care of it.

  I hadn’t taken care of it back then. I didn’t protect it the way I should have. I had allowed myself to put us in a position that led us to being discovered. That one choice, that one simple, mindless mistake, tore her away from me. I couldn’t help but wonder what would’ve happened had I never stopped at that dollar store. Had I never kissed her before going in. But it did me no good to question that.

  We flourished in the shadows. We existed in the secrecy of our relationship. But the real question was…did we have what it takes to grow in the sun, to survive in public when we have no oppositions but ourselves?

  And more importantly…did I want to find the answer?

  I arrived at the father-daughter dance early to help set up and get the school’s gym ready. My nerves were fried, my stomach twisted in knots, wondering if Bree would bring Ayla. One of the administrators had the list of students that had brought back a signed form, but I couldn’t find it in me to ask if her name was on that list. So I swallowed my anxiety and focused on setting up the gym.

  Before I knew it, kids filtered in the doors, followed by their dads. The little girls wore frilly dresses, and most of the men accompanying them dressed in slacks and ties. Some of the girls even had flowers on their arms, which I assumed came from their fathers to help make the night special. All around me, I had signs of the things I could have, if only I went after it. Everywhere I turned, I had a reminder of what awaited me…as long as Bree brought Ayla.

  The flow of arriving people slowed, only a few trickling in from time to time. My hopes began to diminish, fear setting in that Aubrey wouldn’t let me be the man I wanted to be. She wouldn’t allow me to be the father I’d hoped to be. But I had to keep up appearances, not letting it get me down in front of my students and peers.

  In a crowd of people by the refreshments table, I felt a tug on my arm. I glanced down, thinking a child wanted something to drink, but to my surprise, I found Ayla standing there.

  “Where’s your mommy?” I asked, kneeling down to her level, trying and failing at keeping the overwhelming smile from taking over.

  “She walked me in and then left. She told me to come find you. Are you going to be my daddy for the night?”

  My heart picked up its pace and drummed against my ribcage. “Ayla, sweetheart, I’ll be anything you want me to be.”

  A huge smile stretched across her face, causing her upper lip to nearly disappear. It was Bree’s smile, and it filled me with happiness. She wore her blond hair pulled out of her face, and it only made her look even more like her mother. God, I wanted to hold her and never let her go.

  “You look very pretty, Ayla. Is this a new dress?” I asked, fingering the material that hung below her knees. It’s the only thing I could do to keep myself from pulling her into my arms.

  She nodded eagerly. “Yes. Nana bought it for me. She said every princess needs a new gown for the ball. Am I a princess, Mr. Taylor?”

  “Of course you are, Ayla. Princess Ayla,” I said with a wink, fighting with all my strength to not say more. I wanted to call her my princess. And that’s when I remembered the fairy tale Bree told me on the night of her birthday so many years before. I wanted that to come true, but I didn’t know how.

  Before we could say another word to each other, one of the administrators called for everyone’s attention. They were starting the hula-hoop dance. Ayla’s eyes lit up with excitement as she ran to the gathering crowd of kids. I watched her the entire time, fascinated with her. While waiting her turn, she engaged in conversation with some of her classmates, and other girls that were not in her class. It filled me with a sense of pride, observing her in her own element. And it made me think of Bree, of how she’d missed out on this in her youth. Seeing Ayla, looking so much like Bree in that moment, made me sad for the way Aubrey had to grow up. I’d always seen her as a lost and lonely seventeen-year-old. But that was only a snapshot of her life. I’d never fully imagined how things were for her when she was Ayla’s age. Nor had I really allowed myself to accept the person she’d grown into.

  The girls took turns with the hoops, twirling it around their hips a few times before it’d fall to the floor, all while “Twist and Shout” played through the speakers. Once it was over, Ayla did something I hadn’t expected. S
he ran to me and jumped in my arms, holding on tightly. I held her to me, wanting that moment to last forever. But I had to let go, and when I did, her face came into view, the biggest smile I’d ever seen plastered to her face.

  Regular music began to play and Ayla wanted to dance. I set her down and walked with her to the middle of the gym where the crowd had gathered. She glanced around at the other little girls, and without prompting her to do so, she held my hands and stepped on my toes.

  “Have you done this before?” I asked with a grin. “You’re quite good at it.”

  “No, not like this.”

  “Well, you’re a very good dancer, Ayla. Maybe you should be a ballerina when you grow up. How does that sound?” Speaking to kids her age wasn’t strange for me. Even before teaching younger students, I had my niece that could carry on an entire conversation with a brick wall. So this was nothing new for me. What was new, was talking to my own daughter about her life.

  “No. I don’t want that. I want to be the president.”

  My eyes widened in surprise at her words. “Of the United States?”

  “Yeah,” she said with an eager nod and bright smile. “I want to make rules and have my own airplane.”

  I couldn’t hold back the laugh that bubbled inside my gut. “That’s rather ambitious of you. What kind of rules would you make?”

  Her smile fell as she glanced around at the other little girls dancing with their fathers. “I’d make a rule that no one can take daddies away.”

  “What do you mean?” My heart stilled in my chest and my movements slowed.

  She looked up and met my eyes. “Mommy said I don’t have a daddy because people made him leave. She said they didn’t want her to marry him. But she has me, and I’m the most important part of him, and they can’t ever take me away. But sometimes, I wish I had my daddy. You know? Like the other kids.”

  I reached down and picked her up so we were eye level. “Those people who made him leave were just following rules that are in place to protect little kids.”

  “I know. That’s what Mommy says, too.”

  “What else has your mother told you about your daddy?” My stomach twisted in anticipation of her answer.

  With an impish scrunch of her nose and twinkle in her eyes, she said, “That he’s really really really handsome. And super smart. And she loves him forever.” Her words made my heart swell in my chest.

  “Would you like it if he came back?”

  Her eyes grew large, sparkling in the bright lights of the gym above us. “Yeah! Do you think he will? Do you think he’ll love me like he loves my mommy?”

  “I know he already does, Ayla.”

  She wrapped her tiny arms around my neck, squeezing me with all the strength she had in her. It warmed me, and solidified what I knew in my heart that I had to do. There were no more questions in my head, no more concerns that weighed me down. I had not one ounce of confusion or worry.

  Bree and I had once upon a time dreamed of our future. We’d made plans of a family—a real life together. And then circumstance came in and woke us up, taking away those dreams until they’d almost become a faded memory. But no matter how different those plans came to life, no matter how badly things had been turned around, I wouldn’t let them die.

  By the end of the dance, I held Ayla’s hand outside of the gym, waiting for her mother to pick her up. I didn’t have to wait long, seeing Bree make her way through the bodies that gathered. Her eyes wouldn’t hold mine, and I could see fear and nervousness in the way they flickered about, landing on everyone and everything but me. As soon as she grew close enough to us, I leaned over and picked Ayla up. And then I reached out and grabbed Bree’s hand, not giving her a moment to object. I pulled on her, feeling her hesitant steps behind me, and led her out to the parking lot. Meanwhile, Ayla talked nonstop about the dance and how much fun she had.

  When we reached Bree’s car, I stood back, giving her space to open the rear door. I set Ayla down and watched as she climbed into her car seat in the back, pulled the seatbelt over her chest, and locked it in place. Bree gently closed the door. She spun around, faced away from me, and cast her gaze downward, as if she were unsure of what to do next.

  “I’m going to follow you home, Aubrey. And then we’re going to talk.” I didn’t ask her, or give her any options. I didn’t want to chance her coming up with an excuse or telling me no.

  “Sarah is out of town, and it’s too late to take her to my dad’s house.”

  “She can be there. It’ll be fine. No arguing, no raised voices. Just talking. Me and you, like adults. I have so much I need to tell you, and we have so much to figure out.”

  With a deep breath, her shoulders rose to her chin before falling flat again. Her eyes finally met mine as she said, “I don’t know, Axel…”

  I held her upper arms, keeping her facing me. “No, Bree. This isn’t an option. We have to work this out. We have to deal with this like mature adults. Regardless of how we got here, or what’s keeping or has kept us apart, we have to deal with it. We can’t hide from it or let the fear keep us from it any longer.”

  She nodded and dipped her head, breaking eye contact. “Okay,” she whispered as she pulled away from me.

  I hesitantly let her go and slowly backed away. She silently climbed into her car. I kept my eyes on her, not fully turning away, and made sure she wouldn’t back out, but then I saw the reverse bulbs light up.

  Prepared to get to my truck and make my way to Bree’s house, I noticed one of the administrators staring in my direction. Her eyes were squinted, as if attempting to figure out what it was that she saw happening between us. I wanted to leave, not bother with the politics of it all, but once again, I was faced with having to save my job. I stalked over to the woman, keeping my head bowed but my eyes lifted and focused on her.

  “I know what this looks like, but I promise you, you can’t even begin to understand the circumstances,” I said quietly after approaching her.

  She nodded, seemingly understanding. “Okay. I wasn’t going to make any judgments until talking to you about it. Maybe we can discuss it on Monday?” Her tone held no warning of accusations, and left me to believe I had nothing to worry about. But that in itself had me worried.

  “I would love to explain everything to you and the principal then. I just have to get all the answers myself. What you just saw…this didn’t start recently. She is someone from my past, and—”

  “Mr. Taylor, it’s fine. Really. You don’t have to explain anything to me right now. You’re only a substitute. But regardless of that, dating a parent isn’t grounds for termination, although it is something the school would need to know. And on Monday, we will talk about it further so we can all be on the same page.”

  I left her with a smile, feeling slightly paranoid, yet oddly at ease.

  My chest ached the entire drive to Bree’s house, which wasn’t far from the school. I knew the things I wanted to say, but not the specific words. I knew what outcome I wanted, but hadn’t given any thought as to how I would approach it. The drive didn’t offer any comfort, and only served to increase my anxiety.

  Bree was inside by the time I pulled up in front of her house, but she came to the door before I even knocked. She silently welcomed me in with an outstretched arm, barely able to meet my gaze.

  “Mr. Taylor is here!” Ayla excitedly yelled, jumping around the room.

  “Yes, he is. Mommy and…Mr. Taylor have to talk. So why don’t you go get ready for bed? Take a shower and wash your hair please. You can come say goodnight to him before he leaves.” Hearing Bree speak to Ayla relaxed me some, gave me a sense of ease, and lessened the apprehension simmering inside me.

  Once Ayla left the room, I said, “I’ve thought a lot about our argument—”

  “Axel, please…before you start, let me say something.” Bree held up a hand as she interrupted me. She walked to the couch and sat down, waiting for me to follow. “You make me feel like two different peopl
e,” she started with a shaky voice. “Even back in school, it was like you saw one version of me, yet I felt like a totally different one.”

  “I don’t understand, Bree.”

  “You fell in love with me, but sometimes I think you only fell in love with the person you thought I was. The person I was back then. Like it was some fantasy. I was broken, lost in the world without a clue as to which way was up and which was down. And then you came along, and I became a deer in headlights with you, completely consumed by you.

  “You said before that I had the soul of a wolf, fierce and strong. I never felt that. I never believed I had that in me. And if I’m being rational and realistic, I think that’s what you fell in love with all those years ago. You fell in love with the she wolf. She sucked you in, tempted you, and you fell for it—for her. And I think that we’ve both kind of become frozen, stuck in that moment of our lives, loving the other despite everything. That’s unrealistic, Axel. Because I’m not the wolf hidden beneath Little Red Riding Hood’s cloak.”

  I shook my head, straining to comprehend what she was saying. “Bree, why can’t you see it? Why is it so difficult for you to believe that you are the person I’ve always seen? You are the strong, capable, determined wolf behind your eyes. I mean, look at you. Look at where you’ve gone, what you’ve overcome. You said yourself that you’re strong…you’re not the same person as before.”

  “I know that, Axel. I know what I’ve made of myself and how far I’ve come to get here. And I’m not saying I’m still the weak girl you met on that first day of school after Christmas break. I’m stronger than her. But that doesn’t mean I’m the person you fell in love with, either.”

  “Okay, now it’s my turn. Yes, we have probably both been frozen in time, refusing to let go of the feelings we shared years ago. We’ve both been faced with mountains and obstacles and things being thrown at us. But we’ve survived it all. And we’ve managed to come back together in the end. Doesn’t that mean anything to you? Stop telling me who or what version of you I fell in love with. Because the answer is…I fell in love with them all. I still love every single version of you. The mom, the woman, the sister and daughter. I love them all. I love the wolf inside, the one that shines in your eyes. I love the scared little girl that shows in your quivering lips. I love the fighter, the survivor that shows herself in the scars that mark your body,” I said, lifting my finger to run it along the faded scar above her eyebrow that had started it all for me. “So stop telling me that you’re someone other than the person I see when I look into your eyes.”