Falling to Pieces

by Leddy Harper

  “Not until next month.”

  “That’s weird. You don’t normally get them this bad before treatment, do you?”

  She took the rag from my hand and pressed it against her cheeks, dabbing it down her neck. “No. It came on this morning. Out of nowhere.”

  “Did you take anything?”

  She nodded, the pain clearly too intense to speak.

  “Go lay down, Mom. Don’t worry about lunch. I’ll take care of it for you.”

  “Sarah, we have guests. I shouldn’t—”

  “Mom,” I said sternly, using her motherly tone against her. “Don’t worry about them. Axel’s mom is with his sister’s little boy, the girls are entertaining each other in Ayla’s playroom, the women are chatting about weddings, and the men are discussing ways to keep their women happy. No one will mind if you go lay down for a little bit. I promise, I have everything under control.”

  “I’ve trained you well, Sarah. One day, this holiday will be all yours.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  She waved me off, moving out of the kitchen. “Just that one day, this family might need someone to step in and take care of the food and decorations and make sure everything is planned to perfection. And you’re the perfect person for the job. It’s the natural progression of things.”

  “Stop talking like that, Mom. Go lay down.” I watched her walk back to her room as I finished with kitchen duty, reminiscing about the holidays in the past.

  Christmas had always been my most favorite day of the year. No matter how old I’d gotten, it still made me feel like a child again. From the moment the first decoration went on sale at the local gardening store, or the first house that put up lights, I became giddy, filled with excitement and joy. That one day held the power to bring back memories of my childhood, growing up, and the traditions we continued every year no matter how much our lives had changed. And boy, did they change.

  My real dad had passed away when I was three. My sister, Clarissa, was only one. As much as I wished I could remember him, at least I didn’t have to live with the grief of losing a parent. It’s shallow to say, sure, but nothing could be worse than being reminded of someone you loved unconditionally and realizing you’d never get those moments back. You’d never be able to apologize for hurtful words, or say thank you for things you might’ve once taken for granted. My dad got to experience the utter, complete, and honest love from his daughters before passing on. I just always felt bad for my mother. But she had a way of making things better for us.

  For as long as I could remember, we had a Christmas tradition. Instead of buying gifts for each other, we’d make them, and then stick them under the tree without names on the tags. It was our own version of Secret Santa. The gifts from Clari—my sister—and me were pretty much garbage, but my mom’s eyes would light up and she’d ooh and ahh over every present she’d open. Mom loved to paint, so we always got canvases with beautiful scenes painted on them. We’d hang them in our rooms along with the previous years’ portraits, and make sure we always left room for new ones.

  I was thirteen when my mom remarried; Clari was almost eleven. Wayne was the first guy Mom ever brought home, and we loved him from the very first time meeting him. He made her happy, which made us happy. And even better, he loved our holiday tradition and insisted we kept it. Now looking back on it, the decision probably had more to do with the fact that we didn’t have much money instead of loving the Secret Santa idea, but I didn’t care. It didn’t matter what the reasons were, I only cared about picking which wrapped gift I wanted. After a few years, Wayne had been offered a better paying job, and Mom got the promotion she’d been after for a long time. Money was no longer an issue in our family, but it never changed the tradition of Christmas morning.

  The summer after I graduated high school, our family changed again. Wayne’s daughter, Aubrey, came to live with us. I’d never met her before, but had always known about her. The only times I’d ever heard Mom and Wayne fight were after his phone calls to her. I never understood what they were about until she came to live with us. We hit it off from the very beginning, and were so close that we decided to become roommates after she graduated from high school the following summer. But still, even when Aubrey joined our household, our Christmas tradition remained.

  I always loved Aubrey’s gifts. She had an amazing talent when it came to woodwork. And after my mom taught her how to paint, her gifts became even more amazing. Clari and I always fought over who’d get Bree’s gifts, and eventually, she just started making two of each. By the second Christmas with Aubrey, our lives changed once more. She had a little girl, McKayla, who brightened our days with her white hair and ocean-colored eyes. Her laugh was infectious, and she had everyone wrapped around her little finger. She was the only person in the family that received store-bought presents at Christmastime. Lots and lots of store-bought presents.

  A few months ago, McKayla’s father came back into the picture. I’d known about him from the very beginning, but it was something Aubrey had sworn me to keep secret—she’d kept it hidden from everyone except me. There was a lot of controversy surrounding her relationship with him. But they ended up working everything out and became the kind of family anyone would be envious of. Hell, just witnessing the way he looked at her made anyone in the room jealous. But I was happy for them both, and happy that Ayla finally had her daddy in her life. With Christmas coming up, and plans being made for his entire family to join ours for the holiday, we had a family meeting to discuss presents and preparations. I worried that our tradition would be over, but surprisingly, it was a unanimous decision to keep it alive. Even Axel was on board for keeping it.

  So that morning, I headed over to my parents’ house bright and early, getting ready to help my mom with Christmas preparations like I did every year. Nerves hit me about meeting new people, but I stuffed them down with a smile on my face.

  The first Christmas miracle came when Aubrey and Axel arrived. He’d proposed to her the night before and she said yes. I really thought Wayne, or Dad as I oftentimes called him, would’ve been upset over the news—like he had when he learned that Axel had fathered McKayla. But he wasn’t at all angry. In fact, he didn’t even seem surprised about it. I later learned that Axel had done the right thing by seeking Wayne’s permission beforehand. I would be asking Santa for an Axel clone to be delivered next Christmas.

  Once his family arrived, the house became rather chaotic. Aubrey and Clari talked wedding plans since Clari had just gotten married herself a few months ago. McKayla played with Axel’s niece. And you couldn’t get a word in edgewise around Wayne and Axel’s father. I knew I wouldn’t miss much by taking over in the kitchen for my mom.

  After I finished getting everything ready for lunch, I called the family together for prayer. We decided to eat first, and then open presents while letting the food settle. But I figured my mom would probably want to eat with the rest of us, so I headed back to her room.

  The room was pitch black, thanks to the blackout curtains Wayne had bought a few years ago to help with the headaches. I found her bundled up in the middle of the bed with the blankets wrapped tightly around her. So I climbed in beside her, snuggling up to her for a moment of peace.

  I moved in closer, expecting her to wake up from my movements, but she didn’t. I called out to her, quiet at first, and then louder. But she didn’t answer. I shook her, but she didn’t budge. Tears flooded my eyes, cascading down my cheeks as I called out for help. I didn’t care who heard me. I just needed someone to come. I needed someone to save my mom.

  That day, my life changed again.

  Only this time, it wasn’t for the better.

  And Christmas was no longer my favorite day of the year.

  Leddy’s Notes

  Student/teacher romances are my most favorite kinds of books to read, but I’d always been too scared to write one. I wanted it to be epic and perfect at the same time. I had in my head the lines I would
n’t cross and the limits I wouldn’t push—not because I don’t like those (oh, how do I love crossed lines and pushed limits) but because I wanted to do something different.

  Aubrey and Axel’s story came to me in two different parts. First it was hers. She told me about her mom, her lack of friends, and a teacher that befriended her. I wrote her story (minus Axel) years ago. I loved it, but it was always missing something (the teacher). Axel’s story came to me differently, and much later. I envisioned the prologue long before I knew anything else about him. I always wanted to know more about the student that had accused him of inappropriate behavior, but he never told me anything. It wasn’t until one afternoon when I’d laid down for a much-needed nap before picking the kids up from school when it all hit me. I put my headphones in and the song “She Wolf” by Sia came on. Aubrey came back, louder than ever, and she showed me the entire first half of this book. She explained why Axel felt that way in the prologue. So I jumped out of bed and wrote.

  The second part of the book was a surprise to me. I’d always known she had a kid, but it wasn’t supposed to be his. While writing Aubrey’s last chapter, Axel finally spoke up. And he was very adamant that Ayla was his daughter. I struggled with that for a while, not wanting to take their relationship to that level for many reasons (one because I have three daughters and I think I’d murder someone if that ever happened to them). But I decided to hear him out. So I did. And his story broke my heart.

  And that is how Aubrey and Axel became…

  Sidebar—I do not condone a teacher having a physical relationship with a student. However, I do condone love, hot guys, and rock and roll!

  Hey You!

  Kevin, my husband, my best friend… You never hold me back from doing what I love. Even when the dishes aren’t done, when dinner isn’t made, and when we have more dirty clothes than clean ones. You are my rock. I love you so much! Thank you for your love and support. I wouldn’t be able to do this without you.

  My family…all of you. Starting with Mimi (the most amazing grandmother God ever created) and down to my midgets. I have the most amazing family anyone could ever ask for. We might be crazy at times, stubborn and argumentative, but I wouldn’t trade them for anyone. I don’t even have to question their support. I know I have it, and I know it’s genuine. I love you all!

  Amanda, you read Aubrey’s story before it became what it was, and you supported me way back then, when I just wrote what came to me and left it hidden in a folder on my computer. I shluv the living crap outta you!!

  Crystal…your enthusiasm about my books excites me! Thank you for being a part of this journey with me, and for listening to me talk book shit with you all the time!

  Leigh Ann and Stephie…you guys only get three letters. GFY.

  Neda Amini! My God, woman! Where would I be without you? You rock. And in case you need to hear it again…you’re always right. Looking forward to you being right many more times in the future!!

  This story wouldn’t be the same without my girls! Clarissa, Julie, and Kimmi…I honestly feel that you three came into my life for a reason. I’m beyond honored to call you three my friends! Candy…I can always count on you. I’m so thankful to have found you. And looking forward to hearing more of The Truth About Leddy! And then there’s Marlo. I wouldn’t have any book without Marlo. I can’t even put into words how much I love you, Lobs! You are such a strong part of my support system, and I’d fall apart without you!

  Jenny and Gitte! I can’t even believe I’m writing your names in my acknowledgments! Such a dream come true! Your support and excitement drives me! And I still think I’m dreaming, but I have no desire to wake up! You girls are so awesome and sweet. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything!!!

  Bloggers, readers, fellow authors that have taken a chance on me, THANK YOU! Honestly, this is an amazing community of support. Thank you all for your words of praise (and positive criticism). I take them all and grow with each of them.

  And of course…Aubrey and Axel. Thank you for filling my head with your love. And a bigger thanks for leaving. You two took up far too much space. (And made real life parent/teacher conferences boring as hell!)

  More from Leddy

  Home No More

  Benevolent

  Lust

  My Biggest Mistake

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