Never Letting Go (Delphian Book 1)

by Christina Channelle

  Did he die because of me?

  You could always get him back.

  I stilled at the strange thought that passed through my mind. It was strange because, well frankly, it didn’t seem like my thought at all.

  Liam immediately sobered up as he looked over at me with sad eyes. He didn’t notice that I was focused on something else entirely. “I’m sorry. I know it’s hard for you right now, but it’ll get easier. As the days, weeks, months go by, you will get better. It won’t hurt as much.”

  Shaking my head, I tried focusing on Liam’s words, disregarding the bizarre moment earlier as nothing but stress. I looked out the window. “What if I want to hurt?” I murmured.

  “What?” Liam was surprised at my words.

  “If days, weeks, months pass that means I will slowly forget. What if I don’t want to forget?” I glanced back at him sharply. “You know, I can still see him. It’s in my dreams, but I still see him nonetheless. God, sometimes I wish I could stay asleep forever.”

  “You don’t mean that.”

  I nodded my head vigorously. “Yes I do. I mean every word of it.”

  I didn’t even know that we had reached the school until the SUV stopped and Liam put the car in park. Turning off the ignition, he shifted toward me. I turned to see the fresh tears in his eyes, matching my own.

  “I’m so sorry,” he whispered, stroking the side of my face. “I wish this never had to happen.”

  “It really hurts,” I managed to say, a tear falling from my eye.

  Liam looked up confused. “What hurts?”

  I gently brought my hand up to clutch my chest. “It hurts. The only time it stops hurting is when I dream of him.”

  Liam stayed silent, his face becoming hard. “But you can’t live in your dreams.”

  I looked away from his gaze and sighed, staring back out the window again, and at the many clouds in the sky. I watched as the clouds slowly changed against the blue.

  Ethan had always loved looking up at the sky.

  “I can try.”

  And again, that thought flashed through my mind.

  You could always get him back.

  •••

  “I SEE LIAM’S been keeping you company.”

  I smiled up at Ethan then gave him a peck on his chin. “Why? Are you jealous?”

  The sun wasn’t so high in the sky, so I could pick out his features better. I could never get enough of looking at him. To me he was pure perfection. His gaze would hold me, his full lips looked good enough to eat. His hair, a mixture of every shade of brown and gold, was soft to the touch. His strong chiseled jaw…

  Let’s just say I was a very lucky girl.

  If it was even possible, Ethan tightened his hold on me. “Yes I am, baby girl. Although I shouldn’t be—I don’t have the right.”

  I shook my head stubbornly, frowning up at him. “You have every right.”

  “But we’ve got to stop meeting like this.”

  I stayed silent. Why exactly were we meeting like this? “Where are we, Ethan? I thought this was a figment of my imagination. Aren’t I dreaming?”

  He blinked a few times, as if he had something in his eyes. Then he sighed. “You’re not dreaming. We’re in the in-between. Before they determine my fate.”

  “Your fate?”

  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing—this couldn’t actually be real.

  Could it?

  His smile didn’t reach his eyes. “There are only a few places someone like me will end up after we pass. Let’s hope it’s not the Delphian.”

  I raised my eyebrow, confused by his words. “What’s the Delphian?”

  He shook his head, somber. “You really don’t want to know.”

  I remained silent then decided to change the topic back to our original subject. “So if this is truly real, are you a ghost or something?”

  “Not exactly. I wouldn’t say I’m haunting you. You’re the one that keeps coming to me. Some people just have an affinity and inability to let go.”

  I blinked then looked up at Ethan. He cupped the side of my face and gave a sad smile. “You won’t let me go.”

  I frowned, trying to process what he was saying. If this was true and it really wasn’t a dream, if our bond was so strong even in the afterlife, maybe I didn’t have to say goodbye to him.

  Maybe I could get him back.

  I smiled hopefully. “Like I said before, I can’t let you go, Ethan.”

  He stayed silent for a moment, then linked my fingers with his. I watched our fingers as they intertwined together. “I have to admit it’s getting difficult to want to stay away. You’re making me remember the good things in life, Kitty Cat.”

  “I’m just wishing it were good enough that you didn’t have to leave.”

  He winced and squeezed my hand tighter in his, then looked off into the distance. “That wasn’t your fault, what happened,” he whispered. “All the love in the world wouldn’t change a damn thing. I’d still be gone. I had demons inside of me.”

  I said nothing. I grasped his hands tightly as a tear streamed down my face.

  “I’m sorry but it was the only way I could think to make them disappear.”

  Before I could respond, it felt like something was pulling me away from him. I looked up in fright, hearing my name being called over and over again. I could see Ethan slowly disappearing as I shook my head in frustration.

  “No,” I whispered, dropping to my hands and knees. My body wracked from the tears and I started hyperventilating on the ground. “Ethan, come back. I—I can’t bre—breathe without you.”

  Successive tears plopped onto the sand as I shook my head back and forth.

  “No!”

  My head lifted swiftly as I realized that I was now sitting at a desk in the middle of class.

  The class was openly staring at me in shock at my loud outburst. One particular pair of eyes looked on in anger and I quickly turned away from the accusing stare.

  “Dear,” a voice said gently.

  I looked at Ms. Prescott, my English teacher. She was a handsome woman in her forties with graying black hair pulled back into a ponytail, and kind eyes.

  I vaguely remembered her being at Ethan’s funeral.

  “I’m sorry,” I murmured as I quickly grabbed my things and rushed out of the room.

  “Please wait!”

  I ignored the call, needing to get out. I needed air. I ran until I made it outside, and breathed a sigh of relief. Dropping all of my belongings, I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply, trying to calm my pounding heart.

  “Your life’s so tragic, isn’t it?”

  My head whipped around at the sound of her voice.

  Alex stood looking over at me with a look of disgust across her beautiful features. She must have followed me after my outburst. Her dark brows were furrowed above her eyes, which were so similar to Ethan’s. Alex ignored the fact that we were both out in the parking lot, her voice carrying, people glancing at us curiously. “First your mom, then dear daddy, and now your boyfriend … you’d think someone was trying to tell you something.”

  I remained silent, my face emotionless as I looked at the pain and hurt that Alex was trying to hide with her anger. Alex had every right to have anguish over the fact that her beloved brother was gone. I dealt with his loss by withdrawing; Alex dealt with it by lashing out, especially toward me.

  She had every right.

  “I wish it were you,” she whispered angrily. “I wish it was you who had died and not Ethan.”

  I flinched at her honesty as she rattled off a few choice words like bitch and damn, then stormed off leaving me alone. I ignored the strange looks I was getting. A sad smile actually formed across my face as I realized that in the first time in years, we finally agreed on something.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  I FOUND MYSELF staring off into space in the backyard as I sat on one of the beach chairs. I was drinking a vodka and cranberry mix, underage drinking bei
ng one of the perks of living with older roommates. I briefly closed my eyes, listening to the chirping of birds as they flew from tree to tree.

  What I didn’t expect to see when I opened my eyes again was darkness. I blinked a few times, trying to correct my vision, then sighed, giving up when nothing changed.

  I must be drunk.

  “Please. Like that itty-bitty alcoholic beverage would be enough to knock you out. Have more faith in yourself, honey.”

  I jolted upright by the sound of the female voice, eyes narrowing in confusion. “Who’s there?” I called out over the drumming of my heart, cautiously staring into darkness.

  I heard a dramatic sigh. “Relax, there’s nothing to be afraid of.”

  Swallowing thickly, I cleared my throat. “Why can’t I see you?” Had I somehow fallen asleep and been transported to another place other than with Ethan?

  And if I did, where the hell was I exactly?

  “Unfortunately as human, you’re unable to.”

  Hesitantly, I stood up and started walking around with no sense of direction. I stopped when I felt a slight movement before me; goose bumps instantly erupted along my arms. “But that can change,” the voice whispered against my ear.

  I tried not to show my fear. Despite the darkness, I felt this being could still see me.

  Feel me.

  “What do you want?” I asked breathlessly.

  “It’s not what I want. It’s what you want.”

  I frowned at her words. “And what do I want?”

  An invisible hand stroked my face and I flinched. “What do we all want in this world? Love. I can give you back your love. Ethan, isn’t it?”

  I closed my eyes at the notion of having Ethan back in this world with me. My heart swelled with hope then steadily started to race as I focused back to the being with me, this voice.

  “It was you in my head before.”

  “Yes,” she replied, even though I wasn’t expecting an answer.

  “Who are you?”

  “That’s not really the important question right now, sweetie. You know that. Ask again,” she whispered.

  I shivered, the hair rising on the back of my neck. “You can really bring Ethan back?”

  “I can do anything.”

  I knew it couldn’t be this easy. “What do I have to do in return?” I blurted out before I lost the nerve.

  “Smart girl.” I swear, I could hear her grin. As the voice began whispering the unbelievable task in my ear, I remained frozen. I stared into nothing but a dark abyss before finally blinking, tears spilling.

  “So do we have an agreement?”

  Despite the fear I felt and knowing that everything would forever change, I didn’t hesitate.

  “Yes. Yes, I’ll do it.”

  If it meant being with Ethan again, I’d do anything.

  •••

  “ISN’T IT A little early to be drinking? I mean, night hasn’t even fallen yet.”

  Surprised, my eyes opened to see Liam looking down at me with a smirk on his face. I wiped my dry eyes, expecting tears, then glanced around in confusion at my surroundings before placing the plastic cup down next to me on the table.

  I felt out of sync, my mind running wild with thoughts of what had just transpired. I looked down at my hands, realized they were shaking.

  “What were you dreaming about?”

  I squeezed my hands into fists, my eyes skimming the backyard. I felt as if eyes were still watching. Shivering suddenly, I wrapped my arms around myself, then glanced hesitantly at Liam.

  He saw my unease.

  “What’s wrong?”

  Like I could discuss what was really going on inside my head. I thought back to earlier in the day, trying to focus on anything else then what had just happened. “You know, Alex cussed me out today.”

  “That’s what got you so bent out of shape?” Liam sat down next to me, one eyebrow raised. “Doesn’t she cuss you out every day?”

  I nodded once slowly. “Yeah, but today was especially laced with more bitterness than usual. She blames me for his death.”

  And maybe rightfully so.

  Liam saw my look of sadness and he reached over. He squeezed my hand. “That is the most idiotic thing I have ever heard. Please don’t tell me you believe her.”

  I sighed in defeat. “Liam—”

  “No,” he said firmly, squeezing my hand even tighter. “Alex is in mourning and she’s just lashing out at you. What Ethan did had nothing to do with you. If anything, he lasted longer with you by his side.”

  I scoffed, not believing him. Bending my knees so my feet were placed on the lounge chair, I shook my head slowing back and forth, trying to prevent any tears from escaping.

  “How am I supposed to last with him gone?” I finally asked. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this.”

  I was so trapped in my despair that I didn’t notice Liam looking at me strangely. He suddenly moved forward and pressed his lips against mine. For a moment I was utterly still, taking a minute to register what was actually happening.

  Then I pulled back, pushing him away from me as I looked at him incredulously. “What was that?”

  Liam licked his lips slowly. “I’m not apologizing.”

  I shook my head at him, wiping the back of my hand against my lips. “Liam—”

  “I’m not apologizing,” he said again, firmly. “Don’t you realize that he’s slowly killing you? He’s killing the free-spirited girl that I know and fell in love with.”

  I didn’t say anything.

  “We’ve been through everything.”

  I nodded. “Yes.”

  Liam went on like I never spoke. “Your mom’s accident, your father’s illness. I’ve been there for you, loving you, and then Ethan just waltzes into your life like he had a right to be by your side.”

  “I love him—”

  “Ethan didn’t deserve you when he was alive and he sure as hell doesn’t deserve you now,” Liam stated heatedly. His eyes darkened. “Love? He didn’t know what love was. If he knew what love was, he would have never jumped in front of that train and offed himself, leaving you all alone—”

  I slapped him before he could say anything more and rose from the chair, angrily stalking off.

  “You know it’s true,” Liam said from behind me.

  I turned to him, shocked that he’d hurt me with those words. I’d give him points for that because Liam definitely knew how to hit me when I was down.

  “Why’d you make me do that?” I asked, staring down at my right hand as if it didn’t belong to me.

  “I’m just telling it like it is.”

  “You have no idea what you’re talking about,” I spat out. “And I suggest you stop speaking. You clearly know nothing about what Ethan and I have. It’s sacred.”

  “Had.”

  I blinked. “That’s what I said.”

  He shook his head sadly. “You said have.”

  I said nothing, just staring back at Liam as I processed everything. He walked over to me, cupping my face in his palms and looked at me intently.

  “Stay here with me,” he pleaded, his voice cracking toward the end. “With me in the living.”

  “I’m sorry but I can’t do that, Liam,” I whispered softly, absolutely sure it was the only thing I could say. His left cheek was still red from my slap and I silently apologized to him by gently placing my lips there in a kiss.

  I let my words ruminate with Liam because it was the sad truth that I had come to realize in this discussion with the only person left in this world that mattered to me. I frowned, remembering the voice from my dream. There was no way I could stay in the living—not without Ethan.

  But it was okay because I had a plan now.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  “WHATEVER YOU’RE THINKING of doing, don’t.”

  I didn’t move a muscle nor say a word as I looked out at the beautiful ocean, my feet buried deep in the sand. I gave a small smile, still not believi
ng that all of this wasn’t my version of what was real, my realm of reality.

  But it would be.

  Ethan came up from behind me and knelt, perching his chin on my shoulder. I shivered at our closeness and I momentarily closed my eyes in bliss.

  Oh God, how I’d missed his touch.

  “You’re ignoring me, Kitty Cat.”

  “Hmm?” I murmured. I turned around so we faced one another, a lazy smile plastered on my face.

  He looked back at me with a frown so deep it made furrows in his forehead.

  “Don’t frown like that.” I moved a hand to smooth out the creases in his skin, then brought a hand to cup the side of his face.

  He in return cupped my hand in his as I continued to touch his face. Then he took my hand as he placed a kiss in the middle of my palm and placed it back on my lap.

  “Don’t do it.” His voice had a serious edge to it.

  I looked back at the ocean. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “You can’t do what I did, Sophia.”

  I looked up at him in surprise. It was the first time in a long time that he’d spoken my name. He rarely did, using his usual pet names, so when he did say it, I knew he was dead serious.

  “But it’s the only way, Ethan. I can’t live like this, in between two worlds. And if I have to choose, it’s with you.”

  “And you’re going to ignore the living? What about everyone on the other side: Alex, Liam—”

  “I don’t care!” I paused and spoke quieter. “Liam will move on without me, and Alex won’t miss me for a second. You don’t seem to understand that I can’t live without you. Every day that you’re gone my essence is staying less and less in that world and more here with you. I’m going to do what I have to do to stay here,” I ended, seething with raw determination.

  This was the first time I wanted to leave the haven I had created with Ethan. I closed my eyes and willed myself to wake up so I could continue with my plan.