by Trish D.
It was one week and a day after my best friend took her final breaths in my lap, that I attended her funeral. At her funeral I stared at her resting peacefully in her casket, trying so hard not to be angry with her. Instead I tried to focus on all the good times we had. Still, I couldn’t help but feel like our whole friendship had been based on lies. It was like Jackie had two lives. She had deceived me into thinking that I had a friend for life. There were so many unanswered questions that everyone was looking for me to answer and I just didn’t have the answers. I wanted to know just as much they did. It was a beautiful service for Jackie that hundreds of students and teachers from our school attended. It hit me when they lowered her casket into the ground that I would never see her again. Watching them cover her casket with mounds of dirt made it final. Jackie was gone and somehow life would have to go on.
I had never been so glad for summer vacation to come, as I was that year. The end of my eighth grade had been such torture for me. Those who didn’t flood me with questions of what happened to Jackie would whisper when I walked by. I mostly kept to myself never feeding into the rumors or giving too much information to anyone. If it weren’t for Derrick I think I would have lost it. There were counselors available, but I never got anything worthwhile from my conversations with them. It seemed more like a fishing expedition to find out what students at the school were on drugs. Mainly, I felt as though they were trying to figure out if I was on drugs. So, I made the decision to stop going to the weekly meetings since it was much easier to talk to Derrick. We had grown close in the weeks following Jackie’s death. It was nice to have someone to talk to who knew what really happened and believed that I was not on drugs.
I was ready for summer even though it wasn’t going to be a typical summer for us. Grandma had sold the house and moved into a retirement community where Shanna and I could not stay the whole summer. Instead, there would be a family trip later in the summer before Shanna left for college. We attended Shanna’s high school graduation and despite the recent events, we managed to give her a nice celebration. I also had to prepare for the trial date that had been set for early July for Brian. He was facing multiple charges after Jackie’s death. Both Derrick and I had to testify, which unfortunately meant having to relive the horrific night over again. It wasn’t enough that I relived it almost every night in my dreams. I thought about getting a job, but Daddy kept such a tight leash on me that he decided I should just take the summer to relax. It was weeks before either of my parents would look at me without a look of distrust and hurt. I had lied and broken a bond of trust that no number of “I’m sorry” could fix. Surprisingly Shanna was the only one in the house that seemed sympathetic towards me. She had arrived to the party after they had loaded Jackie’s body into the ambulance and sat with me at the hospital. She had also been the one to call Jackie’s parents to tell them to come when I couldn’t find the words. She didn’t tell me how stupid I was like I expected. For once she was in my corner.
My excitement for the start of summer quickly waned, as boredom became an everyday thing. There was only so much television I could watch and Mommy was always too busy cooking or cleaning to do anything fun. Shanna worked full-time to save money for school and Daddy was doing his usual travelling for work. Derrick and I talked daily but he also had a summer job. There was no way I could ask anyone to drive me to see him, so wandering around the neighborhood was how I killed time. That summer was the first time in years that I had spent time at the creek. Each day I would ride by Jacob’s house, but I couldn’t make myself look in that direction. While the house was being rented, I held on to hope that Jacob’s family would come back to at least check on the house, but that never happened and eventually a new couple purchased the house. I still felt a sense of sadness at the creek thinking about losing Jacob and now Jackie, but it also gave me a sense of peace. I could sit there and just be alone with my thoughts and mostly it broke up the monotony of sitting at home all day.
Spending all day at the creek wasn’t what I had envisioned for the summer but it served its purpose to pass time during the day. On days it rained or I just needed something different to do I volunteered at the church summer camp or spent time with my cousins Sanaa and Samantha. They weren’t really into playing school anymore, which was a relief to me since I wasn’t so sure that teaching was my calling anymore. I dreaded school and anything associated. The best thing of hanging around my cousins was that they were not aware of what had happened to Jackie and I didn’t have to answer any questions or deal with any suspicious looks. It was nice to have some company that I could relax around.
June seemed like the longest month of my life. Some days it seemed like torture, but as it got closer to July, I wanted it to slow down. It was hard for me to process what would happen at the trial coming up soon. The prosecutor had been in touch with Derrick and I ever since Jackie’s death and we both had to give depositions. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t put that disastrous night behind me. Somehow, I always ended up having to talk about it. My parents were there for me through each step of the process, but I couldn’t help but feel as though they were still disappointed in my actions. I was still disappointed in myself. Each time I had to tell the story of what happened that night, all the red flags that I ignored jumped out at me. I passed up so many opportunities to get us out of the situation never expecting that Jackie dying would be the end result. I prayed numerous times that I could turn back the hands of time just once to fix what I had messed up. Not only did I want to go back and save Jackie, I wanted to repair the damage I had done with my parents. From the moment Jackie died, I had been waiting on Daddy to give me one of his bear hugs and tell me everything was going to be OK. When that didn't happen, I knew I had really messed up.
The day before Brian's trial started I was a nervous wreck. Mommy and Shanna took me shopping and out to lunch to try to keep my mind off things, but nothing seemed to work. They both were insistent that I had to find the perfect outfit that would help the jury feel sympathetic of the situation. It didn’t make sense to me. Neither of us was on trial. I felt as though I could find an outfit in my closet and as long as I told the truth, the right decision would be reached. I went along with it for the sake of avoiding an argument and we all agreed on a simple navy blue dress. As mommy went to the cash register to pay I stood back staring at a red dress on a mannequin. Red was Jackie’s favorite color. It was the color she had been wearing the night she died. I had to have come across the color red hundreds of times since her death and each time it gave me chills. Still, I wanted the red dress to wear to court instead of the blue one.
“I can’t even imagine what this feels like sis. I do know that things will get better, they always do” Shanna said.
Her words were few, but enough to bring tears to my eyes. It was all I could muster up to do to give a faint “thanks” in reply as I fought back tears.
“Hey now, no tears or Mom is going to think I was over here bullying you.” We both laughed as she continued, “Seriously, don’t make me give you one of Dad’s bear hugs. You’re going to be fine. We are all here for you.” I wondered if Mommy put her up to talking to me. Somehow they knew how much I was in need of that reassurance. It was right on time.
Lunch at Maggiano’s was a lot better than shopping. For months I felt guilty for having fun or being happy. I wasn't sure how long I was to grieve or if people would look at me strange for moving past the situation too soon. That day sitting outside laughing and talking at the restaurant, I was relaxed and happy. Not once did I feel guilty about it. For that hour and a half we were there, I didn’t think once about what was to take place the next day. It hit me again later that evening when Derrick called. His mom couldn’t get off work and his dad was deployed in Iraq so he would have to take the bus to court alone. He didn't act like it was a big deal, but I could tell that it bothered him that no one would be there to support him. Even with the strong support system I had around me, I found it difficult
to sleep that night. The prosecutors tried to prep us as much as possible, but I really had no idea what to expect. On top of my own anxieties, I felt bad for Derrick and wanted to ask my family to pick him up, but it still seemed to be a touchy subject. It was my fault he was involved in the situation and I felt horrible about that. I felt like once again I was letting him down.
It felt like I blinked and it was time to get ready for the day. It took me several minutes to convince myself that my alarm was really going off and I wasn't dreaming. I moved so fast that morning that I wouldn't have time to think about what was about to happen. At breakfast, Mommy cooked all of my favorite breakfast foods: blueberry pancakes, turkey sausage, and scrambled eggs with cheese. I wanted to enjoy it, but with my stomach continuously turning, I barely tasted it. By 7:30 that morning we were all in the car headed to the courthouse. It was an overcast day with expected rain pretty much all day. It was only fitting that there would be bad weather on such a crappy day. The closer we got to the courthouse, the more nauseous I felt. I rested my head on the window, closing my eyes and briefly found the sleep I missed the night before. Though it was short lived, it seemed so peaceful. It was raining by the time we parked and made our way into the courthouse. I immediately spotted Derrick who was seated with another woman.
“Hey! My grandma was able to come with me. I didn’t have to ride the bus in the rain”
“Oh, well that’s good. It’s starting to really come down out there” I nervously replied. He stood as my parents and sister approached. It was the first time they could be formally introduced. Daddy was usually friendly to anyone he met, but due to the circumstances he was leery of anyone associated with the situation. I was nervous of his reaction to Derrick.
“Well, it’s nice to finally meet you. I wish it could be under different circumstances.” I was relieved when he politely greeted both Derrick and his grandmother. Mommy and Shanna were also pleasant and I was glad to have that part out the way.
We didn’t have long to stand there and talk as the prosecutors came to usher us into a conference room. They explained that they were close to reaching a plea deal with Brian. With a plea deal, there wouldn't be a trial and we wouldn't have to testify. I tried not to get too excited since it was not set in stone, but hearing that I would not have to tell what happened that night again was like music to my ears. We were allowed to stay in the conference room while the two sides tried to work out a deal. Shanna and I struck up a conversation with Derrick while Daddy carried on a lengthy conversation with Derrick’s grandmother. Mommy was content reading a book as we waited. What seemed to be hours was really only 45 minutes before the prosecutor returned to tell us that Brian had accepted the deal and there would be no trial. He still had to face the judge though to go over the conditions of the plea. The prosecutors informed us that we were allowed to stay and listen along with Jackie's family. My first instinct was to run from the courthouse as fast as possible, but on second thought I felt as though I owed it to Jackie to stay and finally get some peace around the situation.
The courtroom was small and cold. I looked around the room wondering why they looked so much larger on TV. Scanning the room, I spotted Jackie’s parents and younger brothers. Her younger brothers were twins and looked just like Jackie. She was very close with her brothers. Each time I was at Jackie's house, I was amazed at how they clingy they were with her. She was the complete opposite of Shanna though and never let it bother her. They sat silently, both looking somber and sad. Jackie’s dad sat with a grim look as he comforted Jackie’s mom who sat weeping silently. There were others sitting wiping their eyes who I presumed were extended family. On the other side of the room was another family, who were also silently crying and some sniffling. I assumed they were Brian’s family. It was truly a sad situation to witness. In the end, it didn’t seem like anyone would win. Both families would lose a family member over bad decision-making. Brian entered the room handcuffed and wearing a bright orange jumpsuit. Several members of his family gasped at his appearance. He was so thin from the last time I saw him that I hardly recognized him. He had also shaved his head and was extremely pale. Most noticeable were the bruises on his face and blackened eye, showing signs of a recent fight. It saddened me to watch him and think that he probably wouldn’t make it much longer in prison.
As the judge went over the agreements of the deal with Brian, his answers of agreement were barely audible as he kept his head down and whispered his answers. When given the opportunity to speak he hesitated for some time before turning to Jackie’s family.
“I’m very sorry for what happened to your daughter. I truly cared for her and never wanted her to die. I wish I could trade places with her. I’m not a murderer or a rapist like everyone says I am. I’m just really sorry.”
After speaking, Brian began to sob. It was hard to determine if his tears were from his grief over Jackie’s death or because of his prolonged prison sentence. Jackie’s family seemed unmoved by Brian’s words and tears. When given the chance to speak, Jackie’s dad chose to speak.
“Our family has not been the same since this awful tragedy. Jackie was our only daughter and light of our worlds. In two weeks, she would have celebrated her 15th birthday and was excited about getting her learner’s permit and starting high school in the fall. She loved to run, loved to cook, and loved to sing. I have enjoyed waking her up with balloons and kisses every birthday for the last 14 years, but this time, I will not be able to. Instead, we will be taking flowers to her grave. This breaks my heart. Her mother and I along with her younger brothers are devastated by this loss. There are no words to describe how this nightmare has affected our family. We haven’t opened her room door since the night she left home. My wife cannot even bring herself to go upstairs where her room is. I do not know you personally Brian. What I do know is that you met a 14-year old girl, took advantage of her and got her hooked on that horrible drug that killed her! She didn’t deserve this. She was so full of life and always such a happy girl. She had so much to offer this world and you took that from her. I forgive you simply for my own sake; because in the long run, it will hurt me more to carry around so much hate in my heart. However, you need to pay for what you did to my daughter. Judge, I hope that you give this murderer, this sick man that preys on young girls the maximum penalty. No family should have to deal with what we have gone through. Thank you for listening.”
Jackie’s dad made his way back to his seat and there wasn’t a dry eye in the room. It was hard for me to listen and remember my best friend that now lay in a box in the ground. I felt as though even Brian’s family had to be moved by his statement. The judge then once again began to speak:
“Mr. Augustus, it is not my instinct that you are a bad person that set out to harm or kill Ms. Marrison. What I do believe is that you made a series of bad decisions leading up to that fateful night. This was a girl that was too young for you to be involved with and to introduce her to drugs makes it even more despicable. These were things that I know you knew were wrong and yet you still made the decision to continue with these actions. The conditions of your deal sentence you to 8 years in prison with the possibility of parole after 5 years. I hope that you take that time to reflect on your recent decisions and pain you have not only caused the Marrison family but yours as well.”
The court officers then took Brian away. As he left the room, his family cried and yelled out their final words to him, but he never looked up or acknowledged them. Jackie’s family hugged each other and as I made my way to greet them I began to cry harder. I felt partly responsible for not doing more that night. In many ways, I felt as though I could have saved her. They were receptive to me as I hugged them and told them how sorry I was. They also asked me to keep in contact with them and encouraged me to keep running track, which I agreed to do. Outside the courthouse, I wanted to take some time to talk to Derrick a little longer, but the heavy rain deterred those plans. Derrick and I hugged and said our goodbyes for the time being
. It was time to enjoy our summer. While my family was going to visit Grandma, Derrick’s family had a trip planned to Myrtle Beach. Walking to the car, it hit me that the last time I said goodbye to a friend before leaving for Detroit, they were gone when I got back. Certainly, though history would not repeat itself. I couldn’t fathom losing another friend.
∞∞∞
A week after the court date, we loaded up the car and headed to the airport. We were going to Detroit for three weeks and would be staying with Aunt Carol who was Grandpa’s younger sister. It was well known that Aunt Carol and Grandma did not get along. Aunt Carol constantly criticized Grandma saying she was a “fool for waiting on a grumpy, stubborn old man hand and foot.” The two had never seen eye to eye and Mommy was nervous about having the two around each other. However, it was the most affordable option since Grandma now lived in a retirement home. To stay in a hotel for three weeks would cost a small fortune and Shanna complained that no one would have any privacy, an argument that any of us could dispute. Aunt Carol also had an extra vehicle that she was allowing us to use during our visit. Grandma lived 35 minutes from Aunt Carol and after over 40 years of being driven around by Grandpa, she didn’t like to drive too far alone. It worked out well that we would be able to drive to visit her or pick her up to go other places.
Aunt Carol had a lot of spunk for an “old lady.” She didn’t look a day over 55 and had the energy of a 30-year old. She came to pick us up from the airport and we all giggled as we saw her bright neon outfit before we actually saw her face. She was jumping up and down with poster board that was decorated with paint and glitter and read “WELCOME ATKINS FAMILY.” The dozens of people exiting the airport along with us enjoyed her shenanigans and cheered her on causing her to start dancing. It was quite a scene. She stopped only so that she could give us all hugs and to tell Shanna and me how much we had grown. Aunt Carol looked a lot like Grandpa to the point that they could easily be mistaken as twins. I felt a little sad as I hugged her. I missed the hugs he used to give. Aunt Carol had come to pick us up in her new car. It was a brand new Cadillac Escalade and the most fancy car I had ever ridden in. As we rode to her house, we were able to watch a movie as she chatted with Daddy.