Something Had to Give

by Trish D.

  When it came time for us to leave, it was difficult as usual. We gathered at Grandma’s place for breakfast and enjoyed the time we had left with her. Aunt Michelle and her family were staying for another week, but we had to get back to get Shanna ready to go off to college. Our hugs and goodbyes to Grandma were extra-long and extra hard and it was difficult to fight back tears. Aunt Michelle agreed to drive us to the airport so that Grandma would not have to make the long drive. After hugging her goodbye, we shortly after boarded the plane. I didn’t feel nervous as I had on previous flights. In fact, I actually felt comfortable. I had a window seat and as we took off I enjoyed the view as we flew over the city. Another summer vacation was in the books.

  We were home for just a week before it was time to drive Shanna to college. I was shocked when she invited me to get a pedicure. I thought she would much rather invite her close friends who were going to different colleges. The rest of the week was the same as everywhere Shanna went, she invited me to go. Not at any moment did it seem like it was out of obligation, but because she actually wanted me to go. I wanted to ask her if she was nervous about leaving home but didn’t want to risk ruining the time we were getting along. The day she was to leave, we were up early to load up the rented van and make the four-hour drive. I slept most of the ride and awoke to us waiting in a line of traffic to turn into the school. The campus was beautiful and people friendly. Still, it felt surreal that we were leaving Shanna to live there. However, she seemed OK with her new dorm room and roommate or did a really good job of hiding her fear. We stayed with Shanna for most of the day before it was time to head back. As we drove off I watched her slowly turn and walk back towards her dorm and silently hoped that she was OK.

  Chapter 3

  CHERYL + DERRICK

  It was a big adjustment for us all having Shanna away at school. Although she had spent a lot of time in her room, it still seemed so different and quiet with her gone. It especially hit us the first time we sat down together for dinner and Shanna’s seat was empty. For years I had a mental countdown of when that seat would be empty and Shanna would be gone. When the time finally came, I missed her and wanted her to come back. It didn’t help that it was time for me to start preparing for high school. Between Shanna leaving and my nervousness around starting high school, I felt pretty anxious and off. When the day came for high school orientation, I wasn’t ready. To make matters worse, it was Mommy who attended with me. She did nothing to help ease my fears and I felt like a kid holding on to her the whole time. Practically everyone who I went to middle school with was at orientation, which made me feel like they were still whispering about Jackie’s death. I had hoped and prayed that everyone would have moved on from speculating about what had happened. There was no way I could continue to deal with the drama for another year.

  The Sunday before the first day of school was always a day full of anxieties and nerves. The day before my first day of high school was no exception. In fact, my nervousness was multiplied by ten. It was high school, where kids were meaner, tougher, and more judgmental than I had previously encountered. I was glad when Shanna called and told me that she was just as nervous to start high school.

  “Are you kidding, I was ready to crap my pants the first day of high school.”

  “You, nervous? No way!”

  “Absolutely! But you will soon learn that trying to fit in with the in crowd takes too much energy and isn’t really all what it cracks up to be. Just be you and be you with confidence and you will be fine. Besides, if you survived me all these years, you will be fine.”

  I couldn’t argue with that. My skin should have been pretty tough after years of dealing with Shanna. I couldn’t imagine anyone being worse than her. After talking to Shanna and getting an update on what college life was like, I got a call from Derrick. I assumed he was nervous also, but being a typical guy, he wouldn’t admit it. We compared schedules and though we didn’t have any classes together we made plans to meet for lunch. It hit me after I hung up the phone that Derrick was my only friend going into high school. Jackie and I had formed such a tight bond that I never attempted to make other friends. I felt like Derrick and I had become friends out of default, but nonetheless, he was my best friend. I honestly didn’t know if I wanted to put forth the energy into making new friends. Losing Jacob and Jackie weren’t comparable situations, but they both hurt nonetheless. I didn’t want to experience that again. I figured that life wouldn’t be that cruel to make me experience loss like that again. Things would have to be different and I wouldn’t lose anyone else.

  While shopping in Toronto, Aunt Carol bought me a new dress. It wasn’t a dress I would have ever picked out for myself. It was far too “busy” with the bright colored floral design. It was also a lot shorter than a dress I would pick out for myself. I picked it for the first day of school because it reminded me of her free spirit and her happiness that she often had no matter what anyone thought of her. Both Daddy and Mommy did double takes when I came into the kitchen for breakfast. I avoided eye contact with them and managed to stifle my giggles. I imagined I would get many more of those looks but I told myself I was going to start my year off confident and not let anyone’s looks bother me.

  “Well that’s quite a dress you’ve got there for the first day of school. You look beautiful”

  “Thanks Daddy, Aunt Carol bought it for me.” I appreciated Daddy’s words, but he was my dad. I knew he would think I looked beautiful in a brown paper bag.

  After giving it another look Daddy smirked before commenting, “It definitely looks like her style. She would be thrilled to see you wearing it today.”

  I agreed that she would be thrilled. We had not heard from her since we got back from Detroit. I thought of her often though and hoped that she was in a better place. I was so deep in my thoughts that I did not realize that Mommy had made a small feast for breakfasts: cinnamon raisin French toast, scrambled eggs with cheese, and turkey bacon. Unfortunately, I barely tasted it. How could I eat? It was one of the most important days of my life and the closer I got to the time to leave the house the more it started to hit me. Everything that Shanna told me about staying calm was completely out of the window and my stomach was turning so much that I thought I was going to vomit. Breathe Cheryl. Breathe. I could hardly believe it when Daddy told me it was time to leave. He insisted on dropping me off at school saying that it had been a tradition each first day of school that he didn’t want to break. I felt as though he was really worried about kids on the bus continuing to bombard me with “Jackie questions.” I can’t say that the thought hadn’t passed my mind, so I welcomed the peaceful car ride. There was a long line of traffic to just get into school, which did nothing to calm my nerves. Without noticing I began to fidget with my fingers and gently shake my legs. As we pulled into the school, there were kids everywhere: sitting in their cars, sitting on their cars, gathered in the parking lot, and walking up to the school. The scene was overwhelming. Noticing my fidgeting, Daddy tried to calm me down.

  “It’s always like this on the first day. Everyone is so excited to see their friends and show off their new outfits. It will die down.”

  I wanted to believe him, but as we pulled up to the carpool circle, there were even more students standing around talking. It seemed like a huge social gathering more than the first day of school. I didn’t want to get out of the car. I felt so stupid for wearing a dress that stood out like a sore thumb. Out of the crowd I noticed a tall guy leaning on the columns outside the office. He was one of the very few people out there not talking to anyone. He had a fresh haircut and new clothes, but I knew that side profile from anywhere. It was Derrick and I sure hoped he was waiting for me. Just the thought made it that much easier to get out the car. The look Derrick gave me as he looked up and saw me coming towards him was priceless. I was sure the reason for the look was the dress, however, I wasn’t sure if the look was because he liked it or hated it.

  “Hey, I’ve been waiting for yo
u.” He had a big grin on his face and gave me a completely unexpected hug.

  “Yeah, it took forever for us to get through traffic” I managed to stammer out. I was so caught off guard by his greeting that it took me a few seconds to respond.

  “Well you look nice. Nice dress.”

  “Thanks, you don’t look too bad yourself.”

  We were able to chat for just a short while before the school bell rang signaling that it was time for everyone to get to homeroom to check in. There was just enough time to figure out that homerooms were divided by last names. Our homerooms were in buildings that were side by side. We were ushered by school officials to make our way there before the next bell rang and as the crowds of students began to disperse, it was difficult to keep up with Derrick or even move. Out of nowhere, he grabbed my hand and led the way to our buildings.

  “Come on, just follow me,” he said over his shoulder.

  Walking and holding hands with a boy was new to me. Besides Daddy and Grandpa, I had only held Jacob’s hand years ago. I wondered if people would think we were a couple, but wait, were we a couple? We had never had a conversation about being boyfriend and girlfriend, but why else would he wait on me and hold my hand? Could it be that on the first day of high school I start my first relationship? I had to look down to hide how hard I was blushing at the thought. Walking through the lawn, we were able to walk side by side again, but Derrick didn’t let go of my hand. Maybe I was imagining it, but I could swear that people were looking at us.

  “Alright my lady, this is where we part ways. I’ll see you at lunch”, he confirmed as he gave me another hug.

  “Yup, it’s a date.” As I turned to walk in my building I wanted to kick myself for saying something that probably sounded so corny. Why was that the only thing that I could think of to say?

  Homeroom check-in was just as routine as it had been in middle school. We all sat there like zombies while the teacher took attendance and offered to answer questions. My class was either full of all quiet people or no one wanted to be the only one asking questions. We had 15 minutes to just sit there and wait for the bell since no one had questions. As I looked around the room, I noticed there were only two people I recognized from middle school. Strangers surrounded me. It seemed surreal that over time, it would all become familiar. To pass time, I pulled out my schedule to figure out where I was go next when I heard a male voice behind me.

  “How long have you been with your boyfriend?”

  “What?” I turned around to see a grungy, red-eyed boy leaning over his desk. It took a few seconds to process that for one, he was talking to me and secondly that he thought I had a boyfriend.

  “I don’t mean to get in your business but I saw you hugged up out front. Did he buy you that dress?”

  “No he didn’t buy it.” I didn’t want to let on to how flustered I was, but I was annoyed. I couldn’t figure out if he was picking on my dress or if he had some problem with Derrick. Why would he even care?

  “No? If he’s your man, he’s supposed to buy you dresses and pretty much anything you want. That’s how I would do my lady.”

  At this point I knew for sure that he was heavily under the influence and only wanted to get under my skin. Unfortunately, it was working. As I turned around to end the conversation, I was glad to hear the bell to ring. Just when I thought I was in the free and clear, I heard his voice behind me again.

  “You better tell him to take better care of you or someone else may step in and do it.”

  He left the room still wearing his stupid grin. It was if he felt victorious knowing that he had successfully made me upset. I couldn’t let him ruin my day; he was nobody to me. I didn’t even know his name and wouldn’t have known he was in the room if he wouldn’t have talked to me. The only good thing from the conversation was that it confirmed that people were thinking we were a couple.

  I managed through my first two classes without any problems. I had English with a friend from my middle school team followed by History with two other people I recognized from middle school. I was glad to be around people that I actually knew and best of all, they didn’t ask anything about Jackie. Third period was my dreaded Math class. It was also the lunch period, where I would go to lunch first then class. Lunch in high school was nothing like it was in middle school. We were not restricted to the cafeteria. There were benches outside the cafeteria and we also had the option to eat outside if we wanted. Best of all, there were other options besides the standard school cafeteria food. Derrick was waiting for me outside the cafeteria and we both decided to have Dominoes’ pizza. We ate outside where we randomly struck up conversation with another group of people. It was nice to meet new people and they were all nice, but I couldn’t help but feel like they were taking up the time I wanted to spend alone with Derrick. He didn’t seem to mind at all though, so I felt like I had to go with the flow. Of course, the bell for us to go to class rang all too soon. By the time I got to my fourth period German class, I couldn’t believe how fast the day had gone by. Derrick and I were in the same building for our last class, which made it easy for us to meet up and walk to the buses together. As we parted ways to get on our bus, he gave me a hug for the third time that day. It was the perfect ending to a great day. One day down, 179 more to go.

  That evening when asked by Daddy and Mommy how the first day went, I was excited to tell them everything except the part about me thinking that I now had a boyfriend. Shanna had only told them about one boyfriend and Daddy wasn’t thrilled about it. Daddy had given the cliché response that she needed to concentrate more on school than boys and left it at that. His face said much more though. Besides my fear of his reaction, I felt pretty lame saying, “I think I have a boyfriend.” I figured it would be a conversation that would go a lot better with Shanna. She had been coming through for me like a champ dealing with my silly questions about life.

  “Um, you ask him.” This was her advice that night when I asked her how to know if Derrick was my boyfriend.

  “I can’t just ask him Shanna. I will seem lame if that’s not what he wants. Besides how do I even bring it up?”

  “Easy”, Shanna replied. “You say hey there baby, are you my man or what?”

  We both laughed at this suggestion and the others that Shanna suggested. I appreciated her advice, but we both knew I wouldn’t have the courage to bring up the subject to him. I hoped that he would. Shanna and I talked about my day and she filled me in about college life, which she loved so far until the line beeped. My stomach did a somersault when the caller ID showed it was Derrick calling. Shanna had made it seem so easy to bring up the topic of our relationship status, but I couldn’t find the words. So instead I opted for plan b which was to just play it cool and see where things go. After all we were friends, really good friends and that was what I valued most about him. Still, of course there was a part of me that wanted him to make it official.

  It was thirty-five days later that we finally made it official. At that time, I wasn’t sure if it was worse that I was counting the days or that that month seemed like forever to me. It was Friday at school during our normal lunch routine. It was raining that day; in fact, it had rained all week but we decided to eat outside under the covered walkway anyway. Everything seemed normal as we talked and joked and out of nowhere he brought it up.

  “So I was wondering if you wanted to be my girlfriend. I mean we are always together anyway. I figure we could just make it official.” He said it with such nervousness in his voice that it was cute.

  “I thought you would never ask”, I replied with a smile and red face I’m sure.

  It wasn’t quite the way I expected the conversation to take place, but still it was perfect. Derrick was my boyfriend. I felt giddy the rest of the day as I replayed the conversation over in my head. I couldn’t wait to tell Shanna. For weeks she had been asking what was going on with us and now finally I could give her a different answer from the usual “we’re just friends.” I needed her
advice too. I didn’t know how it would change our friendship or how it would change me. Most importantly, I didn’t quite know how to break the news to my parents. I knew Mommy wouldn’t really have an opinion, but I feared Daddy would be opposed to the idea as he had been with Shanna. I decided that I didn’t have to tell them right away; just let them think we were still just close friends. Where was the harm in that?

  Derrick and I were inseparable. It wasn’t long before my parents or pretty much anyone that we knew to figure out that we were more than friends. Daddy wasn’t exactly thrilled but had handled it better than I had expected. He allowed Derrick to come over to watch TV and occasionally have dinner with us. When he got tired of us tying up the line, he set up a second phone line in my room for me to have my own calls. Though they knew that Derrick would be the main one calling, I knew they hoped that it would lead to me having other friends call. I had managed to make a few other friends who were mostly mutual friends between Derrick and me. On the weekends, I would go to the mall or movies with our friend Kristin while Derrick was working. I was perfectly content staying home, but I went mostly to make them happy. I had a good time each time I went out, but it was still difficult to become close with other females but I felt like I was making progress.