This is a book by
Demetri Martin
called
This Is a Book
by
Demetri Martin
NEW YORK BOSTON
Begin Reading
Table of Contents
Copyright Page
For you.
Thank You,
Rachael
Daniel
Ben
(a lot)
The Beginning.
Much more that way →
How to Read
This Book
If you’re reading this sentence then you’ve pretty much got it. Good job. Just keep going the way you are.
(Please ignore this part)
ONE
Announcements
Thank you for coming to the show. Before tonight’s performance begins there are a few announcements. Please pay attention.
Flash photography is not permitted at any time during the show. Also, there is no recording of any kind allowed during the show. This includes both audio and video recording, as well as sketching, journaling, documenting, making mental notes reminiscing, reviewing, or remembering anything at all with your mind. Any recording devices that we find will be taken away from you and juggled recklessly by the clown you see standing near the left exit.
Please do not mentally undress the performer. Also, do not mentally put silly outfits on the performer or mentally touch any part of the performer’s clothes. Please mentally avoid the performer’s outfit altogether.
You are not permitted to lip-sync any portion of the show. If you do and we catch you, one or both of your lips may be removed from the building.
In the event of a fire, please use the fire exits—but not the one on the right wall. That one is just a supply closet with a sign that says “fire exit” over it. Do not open that door. There are explosives behind it.
If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we will give you something to panic and wave your arms around and scream about.
It is illegal to yell “fire” in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like “Flames!” or “Smoke maker!” or “Bad hot!”
Please refrain from smoking during the show. Anyone who is caught smoking will be shot with our meat gun.
Fighting will not be tolerated in the theater at any time. If you have a problem with someone, please see one of our blow dart vendors.
If you talk during the show you will be asked to leave and may be forced to talk for up to 72 hours straight in our “chatter chamber.”
If someone is making too much noise, do not say “Shhhh,” unless you want to get squirted with the hose.
Please keep the number of “Whoos!” to two or fewer per person. If you exceed this number (which our whoo counters will be watching for) you will receive an electric shock of memorable force.
Do not heckle the performer. Heckling is strictly prohibited. Making a noise that sounds like “Psstuhh” while judgmentally shaking your head is also not permitted. If the performer dives off the stage and you move out of the way, then you will be “dived” right out of the building. Also, crowd surfing is prohibited unless you have a body that most people in the crowd would want to fondle.
We do not allow dwarf tossing. If you toss a dwarf, the dwarf will be tossed right back at you, but faster.
Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious.
Please turn off all cell phones and pagers. And if you have a pager please return it to the ’90s.
Goatees are not allowed in the theater under any circumstances. If you have a goatee, then you need to see one of our speed barbers immediately. If you have a goatee and a ponytail, then you should just leave now.
While it is not legally prohibited, we ask that you do not call anyone “dawg” during the show. Also, please note that anyone named “L Train” will be rolled down the stairs.
If, at any time, a security person asks you to leave, please do not resist. However, if it is Earl, please resist.
Please do not sit on your boyfriend’s shoulders during the show (women with perky breasts can ignore this rule).
A man in a trench coat may offer you a glow stick at some point during tonight’s performance. Do not accept the glow stick unless you’re prepared to accept it right up your nose.
If you are choking, please stop it, because it is prohibited.
There is a significant risk that you will be hit with a tambourine at some point during tonight’s show. Also, the person seated in row G, seat 28 will be catapulted later into the small hammock that is hanging between the rafters.
By entering this venue you consent to being filmed, recorded, taped, taped-up, watched, studied, and smelled. You also consent to having your image duplicated, stretched, plastered, mocked, mimicked, misrepresented, and printed on any promotional materials, including but not limited to T-shirts, panties, silly aprons, propaganda posters, pasties, jockstraps, and commemorative yarmulkes.
If you happen to be standing near the confetti cannon, do not be alarmed if you lose your ability to see and/or hear for up to six months.
Not responsible for lost or stolen limbs.
Finally, please do not fall asleep during the show. If you yawn, a marble or small pellet may be carefully tossed into your mouth.
Now, sit back, relax, and enjoy the show. If you don’t, then be prepared to suffer the consequences. On with the show!
Hotline
OPERATOR: Hello. Awkward & Lonely in Public Hotline, Debbie speaking.
DAVE: Hey there.
OPERATOR: Checking your phone number now and bringing up your file for confirmation. Here it is. Let’s see… Okay… Dave. Dave, it looks like “Hey there” is your activation greeting. Dave, are you in a public place or at a social gathering and feeling awkward or lonely right now?
DAVE: Yeah.
OPERATOR: All right, if you’re at a party say, “Totally.” If you’re just out alone somewhere in public say, “Totally, bro.”
DAVE: Totally.
OPERATOR: Okay, Dave, I’m going to talk you through this party. Just follow my instructions. If you’re ready, just say “All right,” but let it ring out like you’re responding to a buddy who just gave you some really good news.
DAVE: All riiiight.
OPERATOR: Great. Now just nod and smile for 6, 5, 4, 3, 2… and go ahead and say, “She called me twice today.”
DAVE: Dude, she called me twice today!
OPERATOR: Great. Nice touch with the “Dude.” Now go ahead and laugh a little bit for me.
DAVE: Ha ha ha!
OPERATOR: Careful, Dave, that sounded a little forced. Let’s see if we can get you to laugh more genuinely. I just need a moment to find some material here. Let me buy us some time while I look for it. Take a look at your watch, Dave, and give me an incredulous “No way.”
DAVE: No way!
OPERATOR: Great. Now, if you haven’t been moving around, try to pace a bit or maybe do a light kicking thing with your foot.
DAVE: …
OPERATOR: Okay, I’ve got that material I was looking for. Now let’s get that genuine laugh from you. Remember, Dave, we want people to see you having a good time. All right, here goes: Dave, what is an STD that mountain guides commonly get?
DAVE: …
OPERATOR: Sherpes.
DAVE: Ha ha ha!
OPERATOR: There we go.
DAVE: Ha ha ha ha—
OPERATOR: Okay, Dave, you’re laughing a little too much now. Try to calm down or else you’re going to look even more awkward than when we started.
DAVE: Ha ha ha—
OPERATOR: Dave.
DAVE: Ha ha he
e hee—
OPERATOR: Okay, now you’re going from awkward to unstable. Oh boy. I see in your file that you tend to laugh as a nervous response. Let me see if I can bring you down. Uh… All right. Here we go: I want you to think about how you couldn’t satisfy Nadia when you two were together and then how that led her to sleep with Tim.
DAVE: …
OPERATOR: Sorry I had to do that, Dave. Are you okay?
DAVE: …
OPERATOR: Dave?
DAVE: …
OPERATOR: Dave, I hear you breathing. Are we cool?
DAVE: …
OPERATOR: Okay, well, we’re approaching the end of the call. For a party situation we recommend the call be about this length—any longer and you’ll just look lonelier. If you’re comfortable returning to the party, just say, “Okay. Later, buddy.”
DAVE: No.
OPERATOR: Dave, you have to get off the phone now.
DAVE: Dude, she called me twice today!
OPERATOR: You’re repeating yourself, Dave. Stop panicking. Take a deep breath. You’ll be fine. We have to end this call, so—
DAVE: Hey there!
OPERATOR: I’m going to say goodbye now, Dave—
DAVE: Hey there! Hey there!
OPERATOR: Dave, put down the phone and get out of there. You need to leave that party immediately. Hold out your phone and look at it like something is very wrong with it. And do not say “Hey there” again.
DAVE: …
OPERATOR: Dave?
DAVE: All riiiiiight.
Megaphone
They say your greatest strength is also your greatest weakness. I think this is true. For me, it would definitely be my megaphone.
It all started when I got the megaphone. It was a gift from my friend Doug. I remember the moment clearly. Doug and I were standing in his garage looking for his turtle, when I noticed the megaphone just sitting there quietly. I asked Doug if I could have it. He said, “Sure.” Then he picked it up and handed it to me. That moment would change my life forever.
I took to the megaphone right away. Right after Doug handed it to me, the first word I said through it was “Thank” and then right after that “You,” but I really let it ring out—like “Youuuuuuu!” Doug didn’t seem that thrilled with me. I think that’s a common sort of reaction when someone gives something away and then realizes how great the thing they just gave away was. It was right after I tried out the siren function that Doug really started to seem irritated about his decision to give away that great megaphone. I didn’t want to make the situation any worse, so I just said “Hello?” through the megaphone and made a face that said “this thing isn’t really that great.” I think that helped, because Doug stopped shaking his head and cursing at me.
At first, everything with the megaphone was great. It came in really handy in the obvious situations. I would be meeting a friend somewhere and I’d use it to call out to him so that he could find me in a crowd, or I’d use the megaphone to get someone to move out of my way on the sidewalk or in line at the pharmacy.
I’ve always hated boring street performers. Thanks to the megaphone I finally had a real outlet to express that. And you know, I never really knew what “thinking out loud” meant until I did it through the megaphone. It made my thinking way more “out loud” and more “out landish” too.
Like a lot of people, I’ve always enjoyed commenting on strangers’ outfits. Unlike a lot of people, I now had a new megaphone to do it with. And, let me tell you, commenting on people’s hilarious clothing choices through a megaphone makes it so much better.
With the megaphone, I also started to get noticed a lot more by women, especially whenever I tried to guess their name or bra size as they walked by.
One thing you learn pretty quickly with a megaphone is that it’s hard not to say “Step right up!” through it. For me that proved to be most problematic at carnivals and soup kitchens. I discovered that if there’s one thing carnies and soupies have in common it’s that they do not like to “step right up” and then find that there’s nothing there besides a guy with a megaphone.
One thing I learned to do was to get that megaphone away from my face pretty quickly after saying my “thang” through it, because people love nothing more than to push a megaphone straight into the mouth of its master. And, in case you didn’t know, that equals big trouble for your teeth. A good trick is to have a backup megaphone. That way, when someone takes or smashes your first one, you have another one right there ready to go, ideally cranked to full volume for when you give them the old “Nice try!” through it.
After a while, I entered what I call my “do-gooder phase” with my megaphone. If I saw a fire I would make alarm sounds through the megaphone to alert people to get out of there. This would irritate the firefighters and sometimes make them aggressive. But this was never a problem as long as I ran away before the fire was over, while the firefighters were still busy being heroes.
If I heard the police talking through one of their megaphones, I would join in and add little endings to thins that they said. If they said, “Pull over” to a driver, I might add, “He means it!” or “ Comprende?” if the person looked kind of Spanish.
The megaphone proved to be a great way to help blind people too. I’d sometimes shout helpful directions through the megaphone to guide a blindie if I saw one. Sometimes I could even make it into a little game for myself and narrate what the person was doing: “There he goes. It looks like he’s headed towards the curb now. Oh he’s feeling it out and… up he goes! This guy has hardly bumped into anything so far!”
You learn a lot when you have a megaphone. You learn that children’s ears are more sensitive than adults’, and that the parents of those children can have really short fuses. You also learn that it’s hard to take back things that you’ve said through a megaphone and that it’s not the best way to break up with somebody.
Is it easier to meet women with a megaphone? Yes. Does that mean that you should use that megaphone when you sleep with one of them? No. Absolutely not—no matter how right it may feel at the time.
As I got more into the megaphone I found that certain people really seemed to have a hard time with it (including friends, family, acquaintances, strangers, and most other people too). It showed me just how jealous people can become when someone finally finds his calling. But, I guess that’s people for you.
As I learned and experimented more, I started to get really good with the megaphone. I could whisper through it and make it sound like a normal speaking voice (as I mixed my whisper with the phone’s “mega” mechanism).
The more I used the megaphone, the better I became at using it. My creativity blossomed, and eventually I became what some might call a “megaphone artist.” I was able to use words like “wistful” and “aplomb” through the megaphone without it sounding too weird.
Sometimes I would just turn on the megaphone and let it capture my breathing, which for some reason really pissed people off.
But, as skilled as I had become, I was beginning to rely on the megaphone too much. I carried it with me all the time. Whenever I felt awkward I would reach for my megaphone and say just whatever came to mind—like “Do do do do” or “Ta ta ta ta” or “Do ta do ta do” or “Heads up!”
My worst moment was probably the time I got drunk with the megaphone. If you thought I was talky regularly, you should see me with 2 or 12 shots of tequila in me. Needless to say, that night I ended up in the hospital. The doctor said that the megaphone probably saved my life. Apparently if I hadn’t fallen asleep with the megaphone on my mouth I would have puked into my mouth instead of into the megaphone. And that could have been fatal.
Even though I was okay, that experience was a real wake-up call for me. It was clear that I had a problem. Plus, my megaphone smelled terrible.
I decided it was time to give up the megaphone. And I quit megaphoning cold turkey. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. Immediately, I could feel how b
adly I needed something to fill the void. I found myself using anything I could as a megaphone: rolled-up paper, my hand pancakes. I even tried talking into a bag, but that proved to be dangerous, especially during some of my longer rants. I was lost.
Then one day, while I was shouting through a parking cone that I found on Doug’s newly paved driveway, I had a revelation. “Who am I kidding?” I thought out loud, to myself. “These other objects I’m talking through are all really just megaphones in disguise. I mean, even my own mouth is just a little megaphone, right? Life is too short and I have too much to say, and I—.” Then Doug kind of charged at me and ripped the cone out of my hands and asked me to get off his driveway. That’s when I knew what I had to do. I got up and headed straight for the hardware store, where I bought a brand-new megaphone… the very one you have been hearing me speak through tonight, ladies and gentlemen. When I got that new megaphone I put it up to my mouth and I have never looked back since. Although, I’ve certainly heard back, if you know what I meeeeaaaaaaan!
Thank you for listening. God bless and good night.
Ideas & Opinions
This Is a Book Page 1