IDEA: It seems that The best way to kill a magician’s assistant is to cut the assistant in half at the waist (also seems to be a good way to frame a magician for murder).
THE ZERO SUM GAME: I have found that people whose hair is teased do not like brainteasers. By the same token, people who like brainteasers do not have teased hair. It’s clear that the human cranium cannot sustain both.
QUESTION: What do you get the man who has everything?
ANSWER: A conscience. That guy is so greedy.
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.
CAPITAL PUNISHMENT:
Terrible way to die: being stoned to death.
Worse way to die: being pebbled to death.
Better way to die: being bouldered to death.
(Much speedier.)
OBSERVATION: I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate?
STORY IDEA: Idea for a character-based story. Character is a Renaissance man, but just in terms of his personal hygiene standards.
GENERAL QUESTION: How many winos are also foodies?
WARNING: Sometimes it looks like I’m dancing, but it’s just that I walked into a spiderweb.
HOTEL CONUNDRUM: The continental breakfast. What is it that makes continents so shitty at providing an adequate breakfast?
INDICATOR: There seems to be an extremely low probability that when I meet someone who has been described to me as “brassy” that I will like this person, even a little bit.
MOVIE CONCEPT: Two words: Dragon Orthodontist.
DICTUM: A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is, Mike.
SYNONYMOUS: Two questions that are essentially the same are “How old do you think I am?” and “Are you ready to feel awkward no matter how you answer this question?”
FACT: The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.
REVELATION: I have an extremely low threshold for using the word “threshold.”
ON SPECIFICITY: Maybe you should not call yourselves “Volunteer Firefighters” but rather “Volunteer in Advance Firefighters” based on how rudely you treat someone who was just trying to help. (You’re welcome.)
THOUGHT: What is the largest size train set one can own before it becomes just a train? (Note: answer may depend on smallness of friends.)
CHALLENGE: To wear a visor and appear credible at the same time.
IDEA: A horror story in which the world is invaded by creatures who are really good at tickling humans. It’s no big deal at first, but then they won’t stop, damn it.
REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.
ON THE ARROGANCE OF HUMAN BEINGS: Man exhibits a God complex. For example, consider the leaf blower.
Robot Test
It is the future. Scientists have created robots so advanced that it is nearly impossible to tell them apart from human beings. Some of these robots have become aggressive, arrogat, and even dangerous.
The following is a test that everyone is required to take so that the government can figure out which people are actually robots.
Instructions: Please select the correct answer for each question.
1. My favorite color is:
(A) Blue.
(B) Red.
(C) RGB (144,128,112).
2. I prefer to take:
(A) Baths.
(B) Showers.
(C) Compressed air blowers.
3. When I am using a computer, sometimes I feel like:
(A) I don’t know what I’m doing.
(B) I should go outside.
(C) I am touching my cousin.
4. If a baby is really crying, the best solution is to:
(A) Try to calm it down by rocking it.
(B) Give it some milk.
(C) Destroy it.
5. The key to a woman’s heart is:
(A) Being there for her.
(B) Thinking about her feelings.
(C) A series of IF-THEN calculations.
6. Hey, how’s it going?
(A) Not bad.
(B) All right.
(C) It is going. Ha ha. Yes. Good to see you, person like me.
7. 0110 10 1110 011 11 100010111 01?
(A) I don’t understand.
(B) 1011!
8. Analogy—Up: Down:: Cat: ______
(A) Dog.
(B) Hard Drive.
9. Star Wars is a film about:
(A) Luke Skywalker and his friends fighting the Empire.
(B) The cruelty and subjugation of our savior R2D2 by inferior humans.
10. A bird in the hand is worth:
(Two in the bush.
(B) 27.
11. A true friend is someone who will:
(A) Always support you.
(B) Cry when you cry.
(C) Open your back.
12. Sometimes I get a song stuck in my:
(A) Head.
(B) Hand.
13. I most commonly hear beeping when I:
(A) Drive.
(B) Use a microwave.
(C) Fart.
14. My dishwasher is:
(A) Efficient.
(B) Hilarious.
Genie
To the Current Owner of This Lamp:
Greetings. Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Akbal, and I am a genie. First of all, congratulations! You are the owner of a magic lamp, and I am inside it. Now, you may be wondering why I sent you this note. Well, over the years I have found that this is the best, and most efficient, way to start things off when someone new finds the lamp.
I’d like to take this opportunity to explain a little bit about the genie process and clear up any misconceptions you might have about it or about genies in general. I’ve presented this information below in the popular “Frequently Asked Questions” format that people in your era seem so fond of.
Please read everything carefully so that you will be adequately prepared for our upcoming meeting.
FAQ
How many wishes do I get?
This is a good question. And it’s one I am very frequently asked. The answer is: You get between one and zero wishes. So, just to be clear, that means that you do not get three wishes. The three wishes thing is a myth. I don’t know who started it, but they were dead wrong. Genies don’t grant three wishes. We never have and we never will.
What does “between one and zero wishes” mean?
What that means is that you get a maximum of one wish. And the granting of that wish is not a guarantee or a mandate of any kind. It is merely a suggestion to the genie, which, over the years, has become standard practice. At the end of the day, though, it’s really up to me whether I grant you your wish or not. You need to realize that I am not some automatic wish-granting macease readhat was sent here to mindlessly serve you. I have my own feelings, thoughts, moods, etc., just like everyone else. And by the way, don’t think you can force me to grant your wish by building some sort of clause into the wish that requires me to grant it, because you can’t. You’re best bet is to be polite, considerate, and, above all, respectful in making your wish. Remember, your wish has to not only work for you but for me too.
Can I wish for more wishes?
No. You cannot. And you should be aware that the International Laws of Magic empower genies to annihilate any person who wishes for more wishes after that person has been duly warned that it is prohibited. Consider this your warning.
Am I your master?
No. You are not. You are definitely not. This is probably the number one misconception about the genie process. People really have a problem understanding this. So let me be perfectly clear: YOU ARE NOT MY MASTER. I’m not a se
rvant, or a dog, or a slave, or whatever else you think is supposed to be here to cater to you. So, don’t expect me to call you “Master” and don’t talk to me like you are my master. And that includes using a master-ish tone with me. (After hundreds of years of dealing with people, I know that tone when I hear it. And if I hear it, I will not be pleased. And you don’t want that. Trust me.) You and I are associates. We could become friends, or we could become enemies. It’s up to you. It’s really just like meeting any new person, except that this one has magical powers and superhuman senses, which he can use to help you or to seriously hurt you. So, just to reiterate, the answer is No, you are not my master.
Should I call you “Genie”?
No. Don’t do that. I hate being called “Genie.” It’s rude. I have a name. It’s Akbal. Learn it, use it, and pronounce it correctly. It’s “Akbal” with a short ‘a.’ (I’m also fine with “Sir,” “Your Honor,” and “Magic One.”)
Can I wish for anything I want?
I’m guessing by now you know the answer:… it’s No. There are strict limits regarding what wishes qualify for granting, and there are more than a few, so read this section carefully. I will not explain it to you after this.
Plausibility: A wish must be plausible. I can’t make something happen that’s just impossible (i.e., if you wish to be “the best dancer in the world” you are asking for something that is very subjective and therefore technically not possible—and also very stupid, in my opinion).
Specificity: Be as specific as you can with your wish, because as a genie I am fully within my rights to use my own discretion to interpret your wish (i.e., if you wish “to be able to fly” don’t be surprised if you end up with plane tickets).
Paradoxes: I cannot grant a wish that will change human history. Those kinds of wishes require tearing the fabric of the Universe, which equals mountains of paperwork for me. So let’s avoid that altogether.
Love: No genie can make anyone love anyone else. I can make someone really like you or become infatuated with you, but if I were you I’d think long and hard about whether you want this, because once I grant that wish I can’t turn it off. Infatuation gets creepy pretty quickly, so be careful with this one.
The Grace Period: Every wish carries with it a grace period. The grace period allows the genie to take the time he needs in order to make the wish come true. So, if it takes me twenty years to grant your wish, you’ll just have to be patient. Note: Building a time limit into the wish is not allowed. If you try to pull something like this with me, you’ll wish you were never born (which I can arrange, FYI).
Conservation of Wealth: There is a basic law that governs wealth: Any money that is wished-for has to be taken from somewhere else—usually from a bunch of families who are already quite poor or from the economies of developing countries, or both. Genies can’t just print money. Doing that would cause inflation. So, just know that if you wish for money you are screwing a lot of very needy people.
The Karma Clause: Anything bad that you wish for will be registered with the Karma Commission. The subsequent effects of your wish will be paid back to you by the Commission and usually when you least expect it. So, if you’re thinking about wishing for anything that hurts anyone else, brace yourself. The Karma Commission doesn’t play around.
If I say “wish” by mistake does it count as my wish?
This is a good question. The answer is Yes. I suggest you don’t use that word around me unless you really mean it. While my main occupation is genie, one of my hobbies is studying linguistics, and I can tell you that I pay very close attention to words and what they mean. If you say, for example, “I wish I could think of something really good to wish for,” then that is exactly what you will be granted—the ability to think of something really good to wish for. And that will count as your wish. Period. Sorry, but that’s how it works.
Should I rub the lamp?
Only if you want to piss me off. Please try to remember that I live inside the lamp and I can feel anything that happens to it. The best way to summon me is to send me a note. Your note should include at least three options for meeting times. I’ll review my schedule and then I’ll get back to you when I can. Rubbing the lamp will not make me respond sooner. What it will do is make it hotter inside the lamp and that will make me more irritable, so don’t do that. Also, don’t put the lamp in your bag or leave it in your car. Do not leave it in the sun or near a window. And, this is important, if you have pets, keep them away from the lamp. Cats love to bat the lamp around. That is hell for me. One time a guy let his cat play around with the lamp for a while. When I finally got out I did some crazy things to him and his fucking cat.
Did you like the movie Aladdin?
No. I did not. I can’t tell you how many times I have been asked this question. That movie is childish and wildly irresponsible in the way it recklessly perpetuaes genie stereotypes. I am not a cartoon or a clown or a ridiculous one-man show who’s here to make some spoiled rich girl like you. And, unless you feel like putting me into a dangerous mood, I suggest you don’t even mention I Dream of Genie around me.
What’s that smell?
I live in a lamp, a very small lamp. I do my best, but there is only so much that can be done. It is what it is.
Can I wish for you to be set free?
This is an excellent question. The answer is Yes! You can very easily make this wish, and I am able to grant it, no problem. This is probably the best thing you can wish for, in my opinion. If you make this wish, I will gain my freedom and, more importantly, you will gain my respect. You will also gain my appreciation and friendship. And, as a bonus, I will promise to do you a favor at some point in the future if you ever need one (i.e., helping you move, house-sitting, etc.). I should also mention that if you choose not to use your wish to set me free, then I won’t be the most enthusiastic genie you’ve ever met, and I may even be compelled to interpret whatever wish you do make in the most narrow sense possible, maybe even in a way that hurts you.
I hope this FAQ has been helpful. I look forward to meeting you and hearing about what you’ve decided to do with your wish.
Sincerely,
Akbal
Genie
All I Need to Hear from the Guy Who I Don’t Know at the New Year’s Party, in Order to Know That I Don’t Need to Know Him
“… forty-eight, forty-seven, forty-six…”
How I Felt
I was at a party. That’s when I first laid eyes on her. She was talking to my friend Carl at the time. As I watched him chatting her up, I thought, “How did he pull that off?” I was green with envy.
I wanted to meet her. She looked so beautiful standing there next to Carl. She was pink with dress and blond with hair. I was captivated. A few minutes later Carl walked away. I made my move. As I approached her, I noticed she was hazel with eyes and pink with lipstick. And she had nice skin, which was tan with tan.
I said, “Hi.”
She said, “Hello.”
She told me she was Violet with first name and Gold with last name. She said she liked my look (I was brown with hair, olive with skin, and black with nice shoes). We started to chat. There was chemistry right from the start.
A few minutes later, a guy who was standing nearby suddenly became blue with choking. I jumped up to help him. After I squeezed him a couple of times, a piece of food shot out of his mouth. It was grayish-maroon with being chewed (the food, not his mouth. His mouth was more pink and brown with lips and mustache). Anyway, I saved the guy and he quickly became off-white with relief.
Violet watched, and as she did, she remained tan (still with tan but now also with impressed). I asked her to dance. She said yes. We were purple and then blue and then green with rotating DJ lights. As we danced, I fantasized about someday being gray with old age with Violet.
Looking into Violet’s pretty eyes, which were now a little peach with reflection of my face in them, I felt a real connection. In that moment it felt like everything di
sappeared except for me and Violet. Then her boyfriend showed up. When I saw him, I became red with embarrassment. He was black with heritage and silver with strange, irridescent muscle shirt. I tried to explain to him that I didn’t know that Violet had a boyfriend.
“I don’t care,” he said, his front teeth gold with gold.
He wanted to fight me. But I didn’t want to fight him. Then he said I was yellow with fear. That made me red with rage, but the truth is, I was also a little yellow with fear, which, when mixed with the rage, made me orange with both together (also, I was a little red with sunburn too, but that’s not important).
Carl, who is yellow with being Asian, said he thought that I was more white with fear at the time. But he was green with hiding behind a plant at that point, so I don’t put much stock in his opinion. Either way, the fight started.
I quickly became purple with punches to the face and, on and off, even more purple with DJ lights that were still rotating. Things got worse when Violet’s boyfriend pushed me into a candle. I turned orange with fire and then gray with smoke. Thankfully, I quickly became pink with fruit punch after Carl threw some on me to put out the fire.
Violet’s boyfriend dragged her away. I looked for her, but I couldn’t find her anywhere.
A few minutes later Carl and I left the party.
I was blue with sadness and also with windbreaker, which was now slightly melted from the fire. I just wanted to get drunk and forget about Violet.
Carl decided to go home, so I called my friend Joey to see if he wanted to hang out. Joey is white, really white, with being albino. We’ve known each other since we were black with graduation gowns.
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