“I, Frank, take you, Marianne, to be my lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, etc.”
“If you ever want to see your son alive again, then do exactly as I say. First, you are to meet me behind the abandoned shopping mall alone at midnight. Bring a briefcase, etc.”
“Dear Admissions Committee,
I am writing this recommendation for Louis Miller. Louis has been a student in my English class, etc.
Sincerely,
Evelyn Sprague (English Teacher)”
“I just got off the phone with my colleague, Dr. Ryan. I’m afraid the test results are not as good as we had hoped. In your abdomen we found something, etc.”
“How many women have I slept with? Well, sweetie, there was Beth, Danielle, Lindsay, etc.”
“Ladies and gentlemen, we need you to get back to your seats and fasten your seatbelts immediately. There appears to be a serious mechanical failure with one of our wings, etc.”
Charts & Graphs
TYPES OF BREATH
MY INVISIBILITY
TODDLER NICKNAMES
ERAS
AMOUNT SUFFERS IN SMOOTHING PROCESS
VENN DIAGRAM
INCIDENCE OF LUNG CANCER
VENN DIAGRAM
PATH TO SUCCESS
REASON I WATCH
COLDNESS
VENN DIAGRAM
[This Page Unintentionally Left Blank]
THREE
My Diet
I used to eat meat. I ate fruits and vegetables too, and a lot of other things people handed to me. I guess you could say I was an “Omnivore.” Like a lot of people, I didn’t know any better. Then I read a couple of books. One of them was called How Chickens Are Raped Before You Eat Them. Another was called Hotdogs and Fingertips. I also read The Cow Feces Dilemma as well as Barf, STDs, and Veal. These books, and my girlfriend who made me read them, really motivated me to become a “Vegetarian.”
I started out as a “Regular Vegetarian” (someone who does not eat meat), and then I became what is called a “Constipated Vegetarian” (someone who eats too many bananas). After that, I became what they call a “Strict Vegetarian.” That’s someone who eats only fruits and vegetables that have been disciplined in some way—like, for example, corn that was grown in a perfect row, or grapes that were stomped by someone in uniform.
After being strict vegetarians for a while, my girlfriend and I became “Militant Vegetarians” (vegetarians who not only eat fruits and vegetables but also fight with them). That lasted until we both got pretty severe rashes from accidentally eating some poison ivy. That led to our eventual breakout / breakup / make-up / cookout / make-out / break-fast, and then final breakup.
After that, I switched to a fish-only diet, becoming a “Pescatarian.” I decided to try it because I wanted a change, and also, I happened to be stranded on an island. I was relieved when they rescued me. I was also pretty embarrassed, because the island turned out to be a peninsula (I have an especially bad sense of direction). Still, by then I was happy to give up fish for a while.
Next I decided to become a “Vegan” (no animals or animal products). After that I became a “Las Vegan” (the same thing as vegan but living in Las Vegas). There I found a whole community of like-minded souls. I often found these people in small grocery stores that smelled kind of weird and were run by people who smelled kind of weirder. We would talk about politics and religion and how to keep bugs out of your hair. Everybody was open-minded, which was nice, and many of them wore shoes that were open-toed. And that was nasty.
After that, I became what some call a “Hyper Vegan” (no animal products or things that even look like animals—including animal crackers, gummy worms, those Easter peeps, asparagus that resembles a snake, a snake that resembles asparagus, etc.). It was hard, but I was really committed to it. I spent my time reading books like Being Hyper Vegan: It’s Hard But Be Really Committed to It and Four Things You Can Eat Besides Dirt! These books, and my new girlfriend who made me read them, really kept me on track.
I was hyper vegan for almost a year. Then one afternoon I sort of freaked out and ended up eating an entire cow. From what I can remember, I didn’t cook or even kill the cow. I just tackled it and ate it. I’m not proud of that, but I feel I should mention it here in the interest of full disclosure.
After the trial, a battery of shots, and several rounds of antibiotics, I decided to turn over a new leaf. I became “Raw” (someone who only eats raw food). I added sushi to this a few weeks later, becoming “Raw Plus Sushi,” which some say is redundant because sushi is raw. Whatever. Shortly thereafter, I decided to remove the sushi from my diet, which made me raw again. Then I decided to eat only raw foods that had the letters from the word “vegan” in their name (like “agave”). I was, at that point, what they call a “Literal Vegan” (a vegan whose diet is based on wordplay).
In an effort to get healthy, I did a cleanse, a fast, a master cleanse, a mistress cleanse, a master fast, a faster master fast, and then a purge. I stopped shaving my legs, because someone pointed out that it was strange that I was shaving them in the first place. Then I stopped hunting, mostly because it seemed wasteful to just kill the animals and leave them there, considering my diet and everything.
After completely cleansing my system, I was ready to get serious about my diet. That’s when I went from “Raw Vegan” to “Raw Forager” (when you only eat things that are raw that you find in the woods, like a leaf or… another kind of leaf).
Finally, last month I decided to go from “Raw Forager” to “Passive Forager.” Passive forager is when you lie down on the forest floor on your back and then you open your mouth and eat only the things that fall into it. You’re supposed to only eat the things that fall in that are also not alive. However, you can eat a living thing if it is attacking your mouth, which happens from time to time. And that works out pretty well if you need to get some protein or defend your face.
Anyway, today I am feeling pretty good, definitely much better than I look. I guess you could say my diet has been a personal journey of sorts. It hasn’t been easy, but it sure feels great to eat healthy.
Of course, none of this has been good for my breath.
Fortune Cookies
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10.
YOU ARE PRETTY LUCKY RIGHT OUT OF THE GATE.
YOU WILL DIE IN A HILARIOUS WAY.
DOES ADVERTISING IN FORTUNE COOKIES WORK?
IT JUST DID.
(CALL 555-1326 FOR MORE INFORMATION)
YOUR MIND IS LIKE A SPONGE, IN THE SENSE THAT IT WOUD COME IN HANDY WHEN CLEANING OFF A COUNTERTOP OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
IT IS EASY TO WANT WHAT ANOTHER MAN HAS; WHAT IS HARDER IS TO SNEAK INTO HIS HOUSE AND TAKE IT WITHOUT HIM SEEING YOU.
WE DIDN’T KNOW HOW ELSE TO TELL YOU THIS, BUT NONE OF US WANT TO HANG OUT WITH YOU ANYMORE.
NO MAN CAN STEP INTO THE SAME RIVER TWICE, ESPECIALLY IF THAT MAN IS AN AMPUTEE.
SURPRISE. YOU JUST ATE DOG.
TO THE IDIOT THE WORLD PRESENTS MANY MORE MYSTERIES.
I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE. AND I WILL SEE YOU TONIGHT, JUST AFTER YOU FALL ASLEEP.
IF YOU WERE TINY, THIS COULD BE A BANNER.
HELP! I AM BEING HELD AT THE CHEN WAREHOUSE. PLEASE CONTACT THE AUTHORITIES IMMEDIATELY.
KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE AND YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER.
AND KEEP YOUR ACQUAINTANCES SOMEWHERE BETWEEN YOUR FRIENDS AND YOUR ENEMIES IN TERMS OF CLOSENESS. WITH STRANGERS, APPROACH IT ON A CASE-BY-CASE BASIS—BUT IF YOU WANT A GENERAL RULE OF THUMB, I WOULD SAY KEEP STRANGERS SLIGHTLY LESS CLOSE THAN YOUR ENEMIES OR YOUR FRIENDS. (P.S. I GUESS NOW YOU CAN SEE WHY THIS FORTUNE WAS IN SUCH A BIG COOKIE.)
HEY. IT’S JANIS. I’M PREGNANT.
A Christmas Carol (the Deleted Scene)
Ebenezer Scrooge had been asleep for no more than a few minutes when a wrapping sound began to echo in the recesses of his chambers. Scrooge did not hear the ruckus at first. But again it came, now louder. Then clo
ser. And louder still.
A moment later a Spirit, glowing an unearthly white, floated eerily at the foot of Scrooge’s bed.
“Ebenezer Scrooge,” bellowed the ghost.
Scrooge opened his eyes and knew at once that this was not a dream. He sat up slowly and found before him a Spirit who looked no taller than a boy, but reached almost to the ceiling as it floated.
“Are you the Spirit, sir, whose coming was foretold to me?” asked Scrooge.
“I am,” replied the ghost.
“By what name shall I call you?”
“I am the Ghost of Christmas Future Perfect.”
Scrooge stared at the ghost.
“I’m sorry. Did you say the ‘Ghost of Christmas Future’?”
“No, Ebenezer, I said that I am the ‘Ghost of Christmas Future Perfect,’ ” replied the Spirit, in a most ominous tone.
Now Scrooge, being a man of considerable education, knew immediately that this apparition was of a less-common conjugation, one which employed helping verbs of some sort; still, he could not remember the tense’s rudiments.
“I see,” replied Ebenezer, trying to conceal his ignorance.
The Spirit moved closer. “Do you know why I am here?”
Scrooge thought for a moment. “To offer me, Spirit, some glimpse of what is to come?”
The ghost hovered for a moment, and peered at Ebenezer. “No. That is incorrect. I am here, Ebenezer Scrooge, to show you what shall have happened to you on a Christmas that will have passed at some point in the future.”
“Ah, yes, of course. Right,” replied Scrooge.
The Spirit continued. “You shall see after certain future things have happened, what will have become of you after that.”
Scrooge let out a sigh. He was confused. “What does that mean, good Spirit?”
“Well,” said the Spirit, who was now starting to look uncomfortable. He had hoped Scrooge would not ask such a question, for the Spirit himself was not quite certain of the tense’s particulars.
“It means that I am going to show you… the, uh… it’s not important right now. Just come with me.” And with that, he began to float in a more authoritative, ghoulish manner. “Now follow me,” he moaned.
“Oh, Ghost of Christmas Future Perfect, I fear what you shall have shown me by the time we have returned tonight,” Scrooge replied, trying his best to show the Spirit that he was grammatically savvy.
“We must make haste,” said the Spirit, wanting to just get going already, and not dwell on the grammar.
Scrooge put on his slippers and braced himself, and the Ghost of Christmas Future Perfect guided him silently to the window.
“Where, Ghost, are you taking me?”
“We shall have seen soon enough, Ebenezer,” whispered the ghost. Then the Spirit stopped and started to check his pockets.
“Damn,” said the ghost quietly to himself. “I could swear I had my notes with me.”
“Oh, Spirit, tell me that I shall not have been horrified by what I might discover that I shall have been doing when—”
“Just cool it for a sec, all right? I can’t find my notes and this is a very complicated declension I have to deal with here. So, just give me a sec. All right?”
The ghost shook his bright, glowing head in frustration and then howled, “I can’t find my notes. They’re not here. To try and wing this would be a huge mistake. I mean, we could end up in the Conditional or Present Progressive, and that would be a total disaster.” He paused, composed himself, and then said in a chilling tone, “I shall have been back by the time you’ve seen your future.”
The Spirit turned and left, cursing to himself. The last thing Scrooge heard was the Spirit muttering, “This is what I get for killing a French teacher” to himself. Confused and a little relieved, Scrooge went back to bed, and the Ghost of Christmas Future Perfect never returned.
WED
5 AM: ZZZZZZ
6 AM: BZZ, BZZ, BZZ
7 AM: VO5 + H2O
BVDs, 501s
DKNY, H&M
8 AM: TV (HD & LCD, btw): CBS, NBC, etc.
CNN: NASDAQ, NYSE
9 AM: OJ
McDLT
10 AM: SUV
CD: U2
55 MPH… BMX! OMG!… OK
11 AM: MTG w/CPA
RE: IRS… I.O.U.
I.O.U.?!… F.U., IRS!
12 PM: BLT, V8, M&M’s
WC—ASAP… #2, P.U. (IBS)
1 PM: DMV
2 PM: DMV
3 PM: DMV… BS! WTF!
(PO’D)
4 PM: Dr. (MD)
STD?… Y/N?… N. OK
5 PM: UPS: COD
RE: PSP
(VIA QVC)
6 PM: YMCA—Abs, Pecs
7 PM: DVDS: XXX
(TNA, S & M, etc.)
8 PM: KFC, 7UP
TCBY
9 PM: CVS, ATM
SUV: BQE → BKLN
$200: LSD, PCP
10 PM: RSVP’d, DJ, VIP’s, BYOB
DJ: 80s (OK)
LPs (e.gINXS, XTC, etc.)
11 PM: MGD, MGD, MGD, MGD
POV: MILF, WASP, 34DD
MILF’s BF: XL SOB (MOFO)
SOL
12 AM: FUBAR
b/c PCP, LSD, RX…
1 AM: OD
911: SOS!
NYPD, EMT, CPR
2 AM: ER…
DOA
3 AM: R.I.P.
The Middle.
Fruit Vendor (Diary Excerpts)
Dear Diary,
After years of working for other people, tomorrow I will officially become a fruit vendor. My license came in the mail this morning and I finished stocking the stand with fruit this afternoon. I’m excited, although it is a little scary to think about just how much I have invested in this. Still, I believe that it will all be worth it. Linda thinks so too.
Dear Diary,
What a great first day! First I sold some oranges to a woman who was on her way to work. Then, by lunchtime I was really busy. I am officially in business!
Dear Diary,
It’s been an amazing first week. Selling fruit definitely suits me. I can’t believe I didn’t do this sooner.
Dear Diary,
Something truly terrible happened today. As I was bagging some grapes for one of my neighborhood regulars, I heard a screeching sound. When I turned around to see what it was, a car came speeding down the street. It was being chased by a police car. Before I knew what happened, both of the cars drove directly into my fruit stand. The stand was completely destroyed. There was fruit everywhere. I am still in shock about what happened.
Dear Diary,
I managed to repair the fruit stand with some plywood and old 2 × 4s I found in my garage. It took me hours to rebuild it, but I finally got it done with Linda’s help and moral support. I reopened the stand this morning. This has been quite an ordeal.
Dear Diary,
I cannot believe what I am about to write, but my fruit stand was knocked over again today by a car chase. It’s been less than a week since the first car chase destroyed my fruit stand. I’m not exactly sure what’s going on, but after I rebuild the stand I am going to find a new location for it.
Dear Diary,
My new location feels a lot safer. A lot of my regular customers have found me and business is booming. Strawberries are in season, and people are buying lots of them. It feels good to be selling fruit again and to have all of the craziness behind me. Linda has been so supportive through all of this.
Dear Diary,
Guess what happened this afternoon? A police car, involved in a high-speed chase, drove directly into my fruit stand. I’m not kidding. I almost lost it when I saw some of my beautiful strawberries smeared on the curb.
Dear Diary,
Another day, another car chase. I’m starting to think they’re aiming for the fruit stand or something. I realized today that I have spent more time rebuilding my stand than selling fruit from it. Linda wants
me to get rid of the fruit stand, but I told her I’m not a quitter. Also, I started drinking again.
Dear Diary,
After another two cars plowed into my fruit stand, I went down to the police precinct today and spoke with several people there about the car-chase epidemic. They told me they had more important “police work” to attend to. Can you believe that? If I see another car chase, I swear to God I am going to kill someone. I’m serious.
Dear Diary,
Today a jogger ran by the fruit stand and accidentally knocked a couple of apples off of it, which wasn’t such a big deal. But then, while I was picking up the apples, a car chase destroyed the fruit stand. I ran after the cars until I collapsed. When Linda picked me up from the hospital, we had another fight about the fruit stand.
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