Dear Diary,
This afternoon, when I was trying to move my car to a better parking spot, I accidentally drove it directly into my fruit stand really fast. In a sick way, it felt kind of good. I’m starting to feel a little unstable. Linda told me I should see a psychiatrist. I laughed in her face and then started to cry. Whatever, I need to get back to rebuilding the stand now.
Dear Diary,
I’m having serious doubts about the fruit stand. And my recurring car-chase nightmares are getting more intense. I went to see Grandpa yesterday. I thought maybe he could offer some advice, seeing as how he used to be a fruit vendor himself. When I said the words “fruit stand” to him he started to shake and got a crazy look in his eyes. Then he ran into his kitchen and hid in one of the cabinets. I don’t remember what happened after that because I was too drunk.
Dear Diary,
Yesterday I sold the fruit stand. Today I was on my way to deliver it to its new owner when a police car drove directly into it. I started laughing really hard and drooling, and then I couldn’t stop laughing. Someone said that before I passed out I began to “scream and wrestle with the fruit.” I honestly don’t really remember doing that or writing the manifesto, which I apparently e-mailed to everyone I know. What a crazy few months it has been. Also, Linda left me.
Dear Diary,
I don’t ever want to see another piece of fruit again. On a lighter note, I spoke to my friend Dave today. He’s looking for someone to partner with him in a new business venture. We are going to start a mirror-moving company. I’m looking forward to a fresh start. I believe this investment will prove to be a good one.
Pets (a Conversation)
I had a conversation with an alien from outer space. I don’t remember much of it. I was on a camping trip with my friends and I couldn’t sleep, so I went for a walk. I started to wander through the woods and that’s all I really remember. At some point I must have sat on my phone and accidentally called my friend’s phone because part of my conversation ended up in his voicemail as a very long message…
ME: … and that’s where babies come from.
ALIEN: I see.
0em" width="-2em">ME: I still can’t believe I’m talking to a real, live alien! Wow! Can I take your picture?
ALIEN: No. Calm down. Drink this.
[Drinking sounds]
ME: I feel weird. What did I just drink?
ALIEN: I have another question.
ME: Okay.
ALIEN: What are pets?
ME: Pets. Oh, that’s easy. A pet is an animal that a person has.
ALIEN: Why?
ME: What?
ALIEN: Why does the person have the animal?
ME: Um, well, because they want to have a friend that’s an animal.
ALIEN: I see. So, the person and the animal are friends?
ME: Yeah.
ALIEN: Does the animal, then, also have the person?
ME: Uh… No. The animal is the pet, so the person has the animal, you know, as a pet. That’s what makes it a “pet.” So, where are you from anyway?
ALIEN: That is not important.
ME: This is awesome! Can I take your picture?
ALIEN: No. Calm down. Drink this.
[Drinking sounds]
ME: I feel weird. What did I just drink?
ALIEN: Now, do animals have pets?
ME: No.
ALIEN: So, only humans have other animals. Hm. Can these “pets” come and go as they please?
ME: No, they can’t.
ALIEN: Why not?
ME: Because then they would get away.
ALIEN: So a pet is a prisoner.
ME: Well, no, not exactly—
ALIEN: Ah, it is a hostage then?
ME: Well, I guess technically you could say that, but the pet isn’t captured—well, it can be, but I think—I mean, it depends on the type of pet, so I don’t know if you could really call it a “hostage.”
ALIEN: Well, does the pet have a choice?
ME: No, not really.
ALIEN: That’s a hostage.
ME: I think it’s different, because—
ALIEN: Can the pet eat whenever it wants?
ME: No.
ALIEN: That sounds a lot like a hostage to me.
ME: …
ALIEN: When does the pet eat?
ME: That’s up to the owner.
ALIEN: “Owner”?
ME: Yeah, the person is the owner of the pet.
ALIEN: I thought they were friends.
ME: They are. They’re friends, but one of them owns the other one and feeds him and trains him to go to the bathroom at certain times and to behave certain ways.
ALIEN: Hm.
ME: Also, the owner can make the pet cuddle with him whenever he wants and will sometimes dress up the pet, like on Halloween.
ALIEN: I see… What is Halloween?
ME: Wow! This is crazy. I can’t believe I’m talking to an alien!! Can I take your picture?
ALIEN: No. Calm down. Drink more of this.
ME: I don’t really want to.
ALIEN: Drink this.
ME: Okay.
[Drinking Sounds]
ALIEN: Now, what is Halloween?
A Cappe
lla Group Freak Accidents
An a cappella group is singing out on the quad of a college campus. Suddenly, a grizzly bear, which has just escaped from a nearby zoo, emerges from some bushes and charges directly into the group. The bear mauls several members of the a cappella group, attacking, with especially gruesome ferocity, one of the male baritones, who has a penchant for performing “funny” skits between songs. Animal control specialists arrive a short time later and restrain the bear. Paramedics do their best to treat the badly injured a cappella singers. Both the paramedics and animal control specialists are secretly pleased.
While an a cappella group is walking down the street and singing to themselves at a volume that is loud enough for everyone around them to hear, a passing fire truck inexplicably malfunctions. The fire truck’s hoses spontaneously turn on and blast the members of the group, knocking the singers off their feet and into some nearby bushes, which happen to be poison ivy. As the water hits the poison ivy, it creates a poison-ivy mist, which the singers inhale, giving them poison ivy on their vocal cords. The firemen turn off the hoses and drive away. They are secretly pleased.
An a cappella group is practicing in the hallway of a college dormitory. Their “cute” renditions of several old Motown hits cause a nearby swarm of bees to become insanely agitated. The aggravated bees enter the hallway and engulf the a cappella group, stinging each of the singers repeatedly. This commotion disturbs a hornets’ nest located just outside a nearby window. The hornets fly in moments later and attack the already badly bloated bodies of the a cappella group’s members. Hours later, after smoke is pumped into the hallway to clear out the bees and hornets, nurses from the campus infirmary enter the corridor and treat the badly stung singers. The nurses are secretly pleased.
Several a cappella groups are onstage together at the annual “Spring Sing” concert. In the middle of performing their best ironic medley of 80’s songs, the stage suddenly collapses under the weight of the singers. The a cappella groups immediately fall down and roll off into a large pile. A moment later, the elaborate lighting rig that is hanging from the rafters above them spontaneously unfastens and crashes down onto the pile of singers. The heat from the lights sparks the frayed wires and ignites the pile, causing all of the groups to burst into flames. The crowd is secretly pleased.
An a cappella group is in the middle of singing an unrequested encore in front of a captive Parents’ Weekend audience. A moment later a small meteor, about the exact size of an a cappella group, crashes through the roof of the auditorium and flies directly into the a cappella group just as they begin to perform their “instrumental” version of “Mr. Sandman.” Several members of the group are instantly pulverized by the meteor as others explode into
little bits, which shoot off into the far corners of the room. The audience is stunned… and also secretly pleased.
An a cappella group performs and somehow manages not to irritate anyone. Everyone is secretly confused.
My Chec
ks
What I imagine my dolphin-themed personal checks do for me.
Two landlords are reviewing my rental application:
—So who should we rent the apartment to?
—I’m not sure. This woman has excellent credit, a stable job, great references, and she is willing to pay an extra month’s rent up front.
—She sounds great.
—She’s also an interior designer and has some excellent ideas on how to improve the space.
—Wow.
—But, on the other hand, there’s this guy. He doesn’t have a steady job. He’s got lousy credit, and his application looks pretty messy. I think there’s a food stain on it.
—Hm.
—But… take a look at his personal checks. They have dolphins on them. Look at these dolphins! They are so friendly and likable.
—Let me see that check… Wow, this is great! I love his dolphin-themed personal checks. They just have so much personality!
—They really do. I think his checks say a lot about him.
—I think so, too. I’d say, based on his checks, he is clearly the more likable candidate.
—Yep. Especially when you compare his checks to hers.
—Let me see her checks… Yikes. Hers are just the standard-issue yellow checks—so unimaginative and impersonal. I don’t think I want someone like that living in the apartment.
—Well, I definitely don’t want someone cold like that in our place. I want a tenant who’s got some heart, like the dolphin guy. It’s really no contest.
—I agree. Dolphin guy wins.
—Hey, do you think we should maybe also give him a break on the rent?
—(Looks at dolphin check again. Smiles and nods.) Definitely.
A guy I paid with a check is talking to his friend:
—You know, I was going to cash this guy’s check, but I don’t want to.
—Why?
—Because I really like looking at the check.
—Let me see that. (Looks at check.)… Dolphins. Wow! That is really cool.
—Yeah.
—That check is indeed very nice to look at. The dolphins are very appealing. The whole scene is warm and friendly.
—I know. I was thinking that I might not cash it.
—I can see why. I don’t blame you. I mean, looking at the check is almost worth more than cashing it, if you ask me.
—Yeah. You’re right. I’m going to put it up on my corkboard and never cash it. I think any guy who likes dolphins so much that he’s willing to express it in his business transactions can just keep the money as far as I’m concerned.
—I was going to say the same thing. Good decision.
—Thanks. I feel good about it.
I am talking to a woman just after getting into a minor car accident with her:
—Again, I am so sorry for the damage to your car. Can I write you a check to cover it?
—Um… I think I should call my insurance company.
—Are you sure? I’ve got my checkbook right here. (I take out my checkbook and open to a blank dolphin-themed check.) Tell you what, why don’t I write you a check, and if the damages end up costing more than—
—Wait. (She looks at the check.)… Are those dolphins on your checks?
—Uh, yes. Yes they are.
—Awww. That is so cute. You know, I love dolphins. (She smiles.) I was once stranded in the middle of the ocean and a pack of dolphins that looked just like those saved my life.
—Wow. Really?
—Yeah. You seem like a sweet guy.
—Well, thank you. I like these checks because they remind me that it’s important to live life with grace and enthusiasm… kind of like a dolphin, I guess.
—(She looks at me and smiles.) Hey… how about we forget about the whole car situation and you just take me to lunch instead?
—Really?
—Yes, really. I would love to have lunch with you.
—Okay, I think that would be nice. But wait, weren’t you on your way to work?
—Oh I was, but it’s no big deal. I’m a model. They can just reschedule the photo shoot.
—Well then great. Let’s get some lunch.
—Also, I know this is a little forward, but do you mind if I kiss you?
—Not at all.
A Crossword
Puzzle
ACROSS
1. Two batteries.
5. Popular organization for car owners.
8. Said when trying to get someone’s attention.
12. American Association of Advertising Agencies, abbr.
13. Key chains owned by April, Alexis, Andrea, and Amelia.
15. Prefix used to procure a good spot in the Yellow Pages.
16. Found on an American Airlines’ airplane tail wing (both sides).
17. An opera singer’s vanity plate?
18. Two sets of souvenir sweatbands from Anaheim.
19. Expression of pain.
22. Minor league baseball league classification.
23. France’s credit rating.
24. Mirror image of 16 Across.
26. A very good report card.
29. A group of female gymnasts’ bra cup sizes.
31. Sold with 69 Across.
32. Something Fonzie might say.
34. A very boring chord progression.
36. Four children’s refrigerator magnets.
38. Sweatshirts of five fans at an Auburn football game.
40. A lame graffiti tag?
41. Someone with a bad stutter trying to say “Aardvark.”
43. Board of Health ratings of last five restaurants I ate in.
45. American Accounting Association, abbr.
46. A bunch of a certain guitar string.
48. Sound heard when an obsessive child plays with a Speak & Spell.
50. First letter of Greek, Roman, Spanish, and English alphabets.
51. Uncommon fraternity name.
52. Stadium section that is high up.
54. What appears when a certain key on a computer keyboard sticks.
61. Sound of someone starting to say the alphabet in a cave.
63. Five indefinite articles.
64. American Association of Anesthesiology Assistants, abbr.
65. One way to jump four octaves.
66. What it sounds like when trying to pluck 46 Across.
67. Some white piano keys.
68. Anagram of 5 Across.
69. Type of battery used in many TV remotes.
70. Homophone of “foray”?
DOWN
1. Best grades of milk, beef, eggs, and yogurt.
2. First letter of first four states, alphabetically.
3. Four Rolodex tabs from four different Rolodexes.
4. Overheard in a dentist’s office.
5. 43690, in hexadecimal.
6. A strange thing to teach a parrot to say.
7. Found in a spoon while eating Alphabits cereal.
8. Angels’, Diamond Backs’, Braves’ hats.
9. All of the vowels from a famous palindrome about a famous canal.
10. What it might look like as a letter is falling off a sign.
11. Authentication, Authorization, Accounting, and Auditing (remote access security approach that controls network access), for short.
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