“Thanks, Sandy.” Exhausted from the climb up the stairs and emotionally drained, I laid down. “I don’t know what I’d do without you, Mom, and Liz.”
Sandy smiled before she closed the door.
I closed my eyes, trying to dull the ache in my heart. But no matter how much I hurt, my family hurt more.
Andrew had trusted me. His work took him away, and we let complications of life come between us. I was as guilty as him for that. I spent as much time away in the evenings as he had. How could I expect him to read my mind?
I should have talked to him, told him I felt neglected and lonely. It wasn’t up to him to work on our marriage alone. Marriage took work, we both knew that. Yet, I let self-pity take over and fall into Paul’s arms.
No, Andrew wasn’t to blame, I was. And the kids, poor Julie. Now her father was gone too. Besides having to deal with a mother who cheated, she had to deal with the loss of her father.
I didn’t know if Andrew called Julie and Jason. I assumed he did since Jason had to deliver his message. How unfair was that? Damn Andrew, no this wasn’t his fault, but he could at least have been man enough to deliver the message himself or through Liz or my mother, not his son for God’s sake.
What was the matter with him? I fell asleep with that last thought on my mind.
“Mom?” Julie’s voice woke me. “I brought you some juice and your pain pill.”
I sat up. “Julie, honey, I... thank you.” I took the pill. I hated the tormented look in my daughter’s eyes.
She sat on the edge of the bed and fidgeted with the blanket. “Mom, I know you didn’t mean to hurt us, and I’m not old enough to understand — at least that’s what Aunt Liz and Sandy said — but I’m so confused. Is Daddy coming back?”
God, what did I say now? I decided to answer honestly. There had been enough lies.
“I wish I knew the answer to that, Julie, but I don’t know.” I swallowed the pill and sipped the juice.
“I wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t. I inflicted the worst kind of hurt in a marriage.” How could I explain? “I think your father could forgive almost anything, but I don’t know about this.”
The haunted look filled Julie’s eyes, but I had to be honest. I had already caused too much pain.
Julie sat silent, tears streamed down her face. “We were such a happy family. My friends all envied us, but now...”
“I know, honey, I wish I could say something other than I’m sorry, but there aren’t any words.” I reached out and touched Julie’s arm.
“What’s going to happen to us?” Julie fell into my arms.
“I wish I knew,” I stroked her hair, ignoring the pain in my side. “I just don’t know.” I sent up a silent prayer of thanks, that at least she talked to me. I held her and combed my fingers through her hair, trying to soothe her. How could I have hurt this child so badly? My heart ached for Julie, and I didn’t know how to fix it.
I was the mother, I was supposed to fix everything, not be the cause of the pain. Right now, I hated myself. But that wasn’t going to solve the problem. I had to get over the shame and guilt and move on. I wish I knew how. I had to make a new life for myself and the kids.
You couldn’t count on other people to satisfy your needs. I needed to grow up and do it myself. Become my own person. Then, maybe I could win Andrew back. If he didn’t come back and at least talk, I had no chance at all.
Later that evening the phone rang. Sandy answered it. All day reporters had been calling. She handed me the phone and got up to leave the room. “It’s Andrew.”
“Hello?” I took the phone, unsure of what to say to him.
“Meg, we need to talk. I’d like to come over. Do you feel up to it?”
Andrew’s voice sounded harsh. Harsher than I ever remembered hearing.
I feared the worst. “Sure, Andrew.”
“I’ll see you in half an hour.”
“Andrew, park in the garage or you’ll be bombarded with reporters.” I told him.
“Okay.”
The line went dead, and I held the phone in my hand and tried to control the tears.
Half an hour later, he sat in his chair across from the bed and stared at me.
“How are you feeling?”
“Better. The doctors said I could go back to work in about four weeks.” I pulled at the blanket to avoid his gaze.
“I’m not coming back.”
The tone of his voice told me this decision had been difficult. It tore me up to hear the hurt I had dumped on him.
“I see.” I couldn’t think of anything else to say. It sounded so final.
“Maybe when I’ve had more time to think... I don’t know. I can’t understand why you did this. Did our marriage mean nothing to you? Were you so unhappy?” He buried his face in his hands. “I tried to give you everything. We had a good life. Wasn’t my love enough?” He stood and paced the room.
The anger in his voice tore through me like a knife.
“For God’s sake, Meg, what was wrong with us? Why didn’t you talk to me?” He continued, not giving me a chance to answer. “We used to talk about everything.” He stopped and stared at me and ran his fingers through his hair. “At least I thought we did. I just don’t get it.”
I didn’t know what to say. He was right. Everything he said was true.
“When the news came that you had been shot, I thought my life would end if you died. But somehow, you managed to kill it anyway.”
I longed to reach up and hold him. To soothe away the hurt the way I had with Julie earlier, but it wouldn’t work. Not with Andrew.
“There’s nothing I can say that will make any difference, Andrew. You’re right. We had the perfect life, the perfect family. I guess I wasn’t perfect enough.” I felt a surge of anger well up in me. Andrew was angry with me, and I deserved it. But damn it, I didn’t deserve the way he was yelling at me. In the all the years we had been married I never heard him this angry.
“No, I wasn’t perfect. I’m not perfect. It’s time we both realize that neither of us are perfect. We didn’t have the perfect marriage. You were gone, we lost something through the years. Your fault? My fault? It doesn’t matter whose fault. It somehow slipped away. We let it. Our fault!” I took a breath.
“You’re right. We used to talk about everything. But tell me honestly, Andrew. Before I got my job, when was the last time we sat down and had a real conversation?” I swiped at a tear. Not now, I couldn’t cry now. I was too angry to cry.
“When’s the last time we discussed a book or politics? Somehow, we went our separate ways. That doesn’t excuse what I did, and I don’t blame you for leaving, but neither of us is blameless.” I leaned back on the bed exhausted and closed my eyes as he walked away. His eyes were filled with hurt, tears stained his cheeks.
***
Andrew left the room and then came back. He stared at her. Never had Meg spoken to him like that. Never had he seen that fiery side of her temper. It surprised him. When had she developed that? His wife was full of surprises. None of them good. Well, none of them lately. He still wanted her. Desired her. Even as angry as they both were he wanted to make love to her.
She sounded so pathetic. Sad. He couldn’t help it; right now he had to tell her he was leaving her. Two weeks, and every time he thought about her, he hurt all over again. Pictured her and Paul together and got angry.
He still couldn’t understand why she had done this. Probably never would. Right now, he needed to distance himself from her. There was no way he could live with her. Not yet. Maybe not ever. He loved her. There was no doubt about that. But the wound was too raw. He couldn’t forgive her.
She looked so pale and pitiful. So weak. She had lost weight. It looked good on her. She always did have to watch her diet.
New anger built up in him. Just seeing her there in their bed, and thinking she might have had sex with Paul there turned his stomach.
He hated the tone of his voice, hated yelling. In all
these years, he never raised his voice to her like this. But he couldn’t help himself. Just looking at her made him crazy.
Half of him wanted to take her in his arms and make love to her. The other half wanted to throw something, punch something. He had never experienced this kind of emotion before, and he didn’t know how to deal with it.
He could hardly stand to look at her, yet he couldn’t take his eyes off of her.
If he could just get the picture of her and Paul out of his mind. But that wasn’t going to happen anytime soon. A picture of Meg in that sexy red thing popped into his mind. Damn, he wanted her. Not that it mattered. Even if he were to forgive her and come back, they couldn’t make love. She just had surgery for god sake.
Something about the way she looked at him when she yelled at him sparked something inside of him. Desire? What was he some kind of pervert?
Turned on by anger. He had never experienced anything like this before. Wasn’t sure he liked it. No, it was the emotion she showed. Not that Meg was emotionless. She had displayed plenty throughout the years. But never anger.
She had never stood up for herself. She always just accepted everything. Suddenly, he respected her. Hated the reasons for it. But...
“Oh God, Meg, I still love you. But I don’t know if I can forget what you did. I just don’t know if I have it in me.” He paced the room, afraid to look at her. Afraid he’d give in to his desires. Then he’d regret it. He had to forgive her completely before he did that. And, right now, there was no forgiving. Truth be told as desirable as she looked, he wasn’t sure he could touch her.
“You’re right, we aren’t perfect. If I were, I’d be able to forgive and forget. I might be able to forgive you someday, but I don’t know if I can ever forget.”
“If you can’t forget then you can’t forgive.” Meg turned her face away. “I love you, Andrew. I always loved you. I doubt that I will ever stop loving you.” She wiped the tears and turned to face him.
“What I did had nothing to do with love — it just happened. It shouldn’t have, but it did. Now I have to live with it. With the guilt. With the pain I’ve caused you and the kids. I’m sorry. I wish I could go back and undo it, but I can’t.”
Andrew left the room.
He couldn’t do it. Looking at her lying there tore him apart, but he couldn’t block the image of her and Paul. He’d never get that image out of his mind. It was almost as if he’d seen them together. Locked in an embrace. Doing the things he and Meg had done. Is that where she learned some of the new things she’d been doing to him? And that sexy outfit.
Had she bought it for Paul? Did she think of Paul when she was with him? Is that why she became so passionate all of a sudden? So insatiable. One time, she said. One time. He tried to remember that, but something about it didn’t sit right.
Chapter Thirteen
I thought I felt lonely before, but now, it felt like someone ripped my heart out. Never had I felt so abandoned. Andrew was never going to get over it. He’d never come to terms with it. He wanted the perfect mate, and I failed him. Failed my kids. Failed myself. I had tried so hard to fulfill their needs. That was all I had ever dreamed of.
But, there was no such thing as perfect. Certainly not me. My perfect world didn’t really exist. I had pretended for all these years. Had tried to pull it off.
Maybe if I hadn’t fooled myself for so long, I wouldn’t have faltered. Life wasn’t fair.
I closed my eyes and wished I was dead. Finally sleep came.
***
The days went by slowly. Jason and Julie began their school year and, without their company, the days dragged. My mother came to see me every day, but she had her own life. Liz lived too far away to visit often, and Sandy dropped in several times, but she had her own life, too. Besides, Sandy lived forty-five minutes away and hated to drive. I couldn’t depend on other people to occupy my time. Not anymore. It was up to me. I had to make my own life. My own happiness.
I missed Andrew and called him several times at work. He had moved from the hotel and taken an apartment not far from here. I begged him to come home.
Although he spoke civil, most of our conversation centered on the kids. He agreed to stop and see me, which I took as a positive step. Unfortunately, his visits were strained. At least we’d begun to talk again. If you could call it that.
He never stayed long, and if I’d admit the truth, he only came to see Jason and Julie. Sometimes they weren’t home when he arrived, and I tried everything to make him stay. But when he found out they wouldn’t be home for hours, he made polite excuses and left. Between soccer, basketball, cheerleading, and their friends, they weren’t home much.
I hoped with time, we could at least become friends, if for no other reason than the kids. The thought hurt, but I was realistic. If that’s all Andrew offered, I’d accept it. Take what I could get and move on. I’d never find anyone else. Didn’t want anyone else. If I couldn’t have Andrew, I’d live alone. Oh, I knew someday I might change my mind, but it wasn’t likely. Andrew was the love of my life. No one could ever replace him. Of course, there were different kinds of love, and some day I might find someone else who attracted me, but I doubted it.
On one visit, I gave Andrew several books I thought he’d like. He stayed a little longer. One of the books he had already read and we began discussing it, which helped relieve some of the tension between us. Not that it was like old times, far from it, but to me it was a major breakthrough.
At least we were talking about something other than the kids. Andrew had aged in the last several weeks. He looked tired and stressed. I hated that I’d been the cause of it. He’d always been so vital and energetic. Even a little vain. He worked out to keep in shape, but now he looked like he was losing weight. Probably not eating right.
Sometimes, if the kids were home, he stayed for dinner, but never with me alone.
Finally, the doctor said I could return to work.
Meeting with the Baileys exhilarated me. For the first time in weeks I felt human. Just to be out among people again excited me. I called Sandy and invited her to come along to see the progress we had made. Sandy loved Victorian homes as much as I did.
She pulled up and I ran to meet her. “Isn’t it beautiful?” I followed Sandy’s gaze up to the gingerbread on the house.
“Wait until you see inside. Come on.” I put my arm through Sandy’s and pulled her into the house.
Sandy stood in the foyer, giggled and twirled around just as I wanted to do the first time I saw it. I laughed when Mrs. Bailey appeared in the doorway and Sandy froze, her face beet red.
Mrs. Bailey laughed and waved her hand at Sandy. “I’ve done the same thing myself.”
I couldn’t help but smile at the picture of Mrs. Bailey twirling around the room. Mr. Bailey laughed at his wife and shook hands with Sandy after I introduced them. I pulled Sandy into the living room
“Look at the beautiful mahogany wood on the mantel. The painters are finished and the carpeting removed. Look I was right, there’s an inlaid design at the outer edge of the room.” I took more measurements for the Oriental rug to make sure the inlay remained exposed.
“I can’t wait to pick out the furniture.” I couldn’t contain my excitement. The room was even more beautiful than I’d imagined.
“Show her the kitchen,” Mrs. Bailey said.
I led Sandy into the kitchen.
“Your sister outdid herself.” Mr. Bailey said. “I love the way she designed the cook areas on opposite walls. Now we won’t be bumping into each other all the time. Not that I minded bumping into you.” He winked at his wife.
I envied them. Married forty plus years and obviously still in love. Andrew and I could have been like that, if I hadn’t messed up.
I continued to show Sandy around the house. I was glad my sister took the time to come. I was proud of my work and knew Sandy would appreciate it.
“Wow!” Sandy said. “This kitchen is bigger than my whole apartme
nt. I love that fireplace. It takes up one whole wall. I’m so...”
Mr. Bailey interrupted. “We’re thrilled with the way Meg incorporated the Hoosier Cabinet along the wall near my cook top. And that Baker’s Table in the center next to the island will be convenient. My dear, you’ve managed to add all the modern conveniences, yet it fits well with the Victorian era. We can’t wait to use it. You’ve done a wonderful job.”
I thought I was going to burst with pride. I had done it. Pulled off the first part of the renovation.
“Now on to the master bath. I can’t wait to get started.” I pulled Sandy up the winding staircase and stopped at the top. I went part way into the bathroom and looked at Sandy.
“Look at that tub. Isn’t it gorgeous and the size. I wish I had a tub like that. Isn’t it great, Sandy? Don’t you just love this place?” I couldn’t help babbling. I was so excited.
“It’s going to be a place to relax not just to take a quick shower, which is why I decided, and the Baileys agreed, not to add a shower.”
“Okay, Miss Interior Designer. Can we go to lunch? I’m famished.” Sandy broke in.
In all my excitement, I’d gotten carried away. Okay so I babbled. I always babbled. Sandy should be used to it. Evidently, she wasn’t as enthused about the house as I thought she’d be. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bore you.” I couldn’t keep the hurt out of my voice. “I really thought you’d love this place as much as me. I guess I got carried away.”
“No, no I didn’t mean that. You’re right. This place is fantastic.” Sandy said. “And you’re doing a beautiful job with it, but I’m starved. I didn’t have time for anything but coffee this morning.”
I apologized again. Gees, when would my sister learn to allow enough time. Always in a hurry. Knowing Sandy, she probably just got out of bed.
“Okay just let me work some things out, and I’ll meet you at Waters, okay?”
After writing out the directions to the restaurant for Sandy, I went to discuss some final decisions with Mr. and Mrs. Bailey, and Sandy hurried out to her car. It wouldn’t take me long, but knowing Sandy, she’d probably order an appetizer to tide her over.
Another Day (Books We Love mature romance) Page 11