On the Hooves of Horses

by Emma Taylor

  I rounded the corner and saw a work van, ladders on top, with bold red writing, a stark contrast on the white van. PERRY’S PAINTING. Simple, I thought. Direct. The back was open and I saw two legs, half in, half out.

  “Oh, hi, um, my Mum just sent me down here to see if you would like a coffee?” I stammered, trying to keep my footing on the uneven driveway.

  “Oh coffee, yeah that would be awesome.” The voice called, without looking. He started to back out of the van and caught me by surprise as he was standing in front of me before I could even look up. But then I did. I felt my freshly filled lungs empty. I think I might’ve even made a noise. Oh my God! Really? Could I not control my own body?

  He was stunning.

  “Coffee sounds great. White please.” He smiled at me and I just stood there. Like a mute.

  “One sugar.” He was still smiling. I was still mute.

  “Think I might need it extra strong this morning though. I had a really restless sleep last night.” Still nothing. I turned. Run! Hide! Somebody unstitch my mouth! AAAHH!

  “I’m Reed. You’ve just moved here from Queensland, right?”

  I slowly turned back to face him, taking in a deep breath to steady myself.

  “Yeah, Queensland. It’s nice to meet you, Reed. I’ll go make your coffee.” I spoke methodically and politely, avoiding eye contact.

  “Queensland’s a nice place.” He said. “Tassie’s not bad either, if you give it half a chance.”

  “So I keep getting told.” He looked at me with quizzically, but still kept smiling. A friendly, warm, polite smile. STOP! Yes, he was hot, but it’s not like I haven’t been around equally if not better guys. Reed had dark chocolate hair and the deepest alluring brown eyes. He had a very cheeky smile that screamed mischief. His mouth turned up in the corners, just like the Joker from Batman. Trouble, but so appealing. I could feel the blood stampeding to my face. Breath. Calm down. Just. Don’t. Think.

  I managed a smile as I turned on my heels. Why did it feel like my legs were made of lead and I was walking in slow motion? I’m sure it took a lot longer going back to the house than what it did on the way down.

  I reached the door to the house. Walking through the living room, Ross caught my gaze and winked at me. Mum noticed my appearance and spoke in her clear, parental tone. “Honey, you looked flushed. Bit unfit these days, Jayde?” Please tell me this day is going to improve?

  “Jayde?” The sweetest sounding voice came from behind. I turned quickly as it startled me, yet there was something soothing about the way Reed said my name.

  “Jayde.” He said my name again. “You didn’t tell me your name. It’s really nice to meet you.”

  TWO

  “Shush, baby girl, shush. It’s ok. Dad’s here. Come on, Jayde. It’s ok. You’re ok now. Shush.” Dad said softly. He was stroking my face with a towel. My eyes began to focus. There was no need for a bedside lamp. The dim moonlight shining through my bedroom window showed the distorted contours of pain on his face. The pain that I had just caused. Haylie may have been the one who started these events in motion, but the rest of my family are the ones who are paying the price. Myself in the nightmares, the pain I’m causing my father every night and the sometimes vacant, distant look in my mother’s eyes. We are all casualties in Haylie’s final act. I love my sister, but for that, I will always resent her. I just hope that one day we can all find understanding and forgiveness.

  “Good morning, Jayde.” Mum chirped. “Time to get up and face the world.” Ah, mum doing her best to ignore the issue. She didn’t want to talk about the nightmares as much as I didn’t. How shameful for her to have one daughter commit suicide and have the other daughter crazy. Does that make her a bad parent or just a product of circumstance? If that’s the case, then perhaps my parents are bad parents and Haylie and I are products of circumstance.

  “Chasing fairies won’t get you anywhere.” She said, pulling the covers back. “Sure.” I swallowed.

  “We have a lot of work to do around here to make things comfortable. I’m heading into town to get a few bits and pieces, so you and your father can make a good head start while I’m gone. The painters have arrived for the day, so it might be a good idea that you get up and dressed.”

  “Yes Mum, I get your point.” I rolled my eyes as I made my way to the shower.

  The shower was a great idea. I let the hot steam soak into my pores and cleanse away the nightmares. Dad was already well in to scrubbing the walls when I first showed my face.

  “Hi honey. Feeling better after your shower?” He spoke softly. It had been an unpleasant dream, to put it nicely. More terrifying and vivid than the last. The images are becoming clearer. That’s not a good thing because they almost always end violently.

  “Yep.”

  “Well, that’s good. We have a long list of instructions this morning. Mum has broken it all down into days. I’m quite certain we won’t be sleeping for a week.” Dad laughed.

  “So what’s new then?”

  “What’s new is you could try and make things a bit easier on her. It’s hard Jayde, on all of us.”

  “I don’t intentionally set out to fight with her, Dad, but we just don’t get along. Our personalities clash.”

  “That was never the case.”

  “Yeah, well people change. Things happen and it changes people forever.”

  “Oh, Jayde, you are becoming so much like your sister.”

  “You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

  “Of course not. I just worry. I worry about you and I worry about your mother.”

  “I’m not Haylie, Dad. I’m not going to commit suicide.”

  “Hush now.” He jumped up. “We don’t need for the whole world to know about our business.”

  “Stop with the shame. It happens and it happens to perfectly normal families like ours. Maybe when you and Mum realise and accept that fact, you can start healing over Haylie’s death.”

  “Really, Jayde? You of all people are going to stand here and tell me how to accept Haylie’s death? Perhaps not, eh?” He was right. Why on earth did I think I knew all the answers? I knew nothing right now except for the fact that I am standing here, in the coldest state of Australia, with the hottest painter ever staring straight at me.

  * * *

  I found myself standing at the kitchen sink, filling up the bucket that dad retrieved for me. Suds were forming rapidly in the bottom. I opened the sink cupboard, looking for a sponge.

  “Dad?!” I called. “Where will I find a sp-” I turned around hastily, to find Reed standing in front of me. I flushed instantly. Oh, I hate myself right now.

  “A sponge.” I said quietly as Reed handed me one.

  “Thanks.” I said, looking toward the ground.

  “No worries.” He smirked. “Listen, we have finished the first coat in the lounge room and have to let it dry, so do you want a hand washing down the stairwell?” I looked at him with slight confusion.

  “I couldn’t help but notice your Mum’s to do list. She has you on all the hallways.” He laughed. “I could give you a hand, if you want?” He added. Am I speaking? Are my lips moving? How come no words are coming out of my mouth?

  “She has a time table that has you finishing them by the end of the day.” He smiled. I’m still silent. It was then that I noticed Mr Perfect was perhaps not so perfect. His left front tooth slightly protruded his other teeth and the one next to that had a chip taken out of it.

  “Even with two pairs of hands, we will still be pushing it.” Hands? I looked down at his hands. Oh, wow. They’re really nice hands. Strong hands.

  “Jayde?” He questioned. I gulped in a breath of air, snapping me back to reality.

  “Sure.” I breathed out. “Sure, that would be great.”

  He smiled at me, his tooth catching on his full lips.

  “Thanks, Reed.” I liked the sound of his name.

  “My pleasure.” He said, throwing his sponge into the soapy bucket
, spilling bubbles up onto my cheek. Reed quietly chuckled.

  “I get the feeling that might have been deliberate.” I eyed him suspiciously. He reached over and gently wiped them from my face.

  “Never.” He smiled brilliantly with a cheeky glint in his eye that told me otherwise. Trouble. Trouble you are Reed and trouble you are going to get me into.

  * * *

  I collapsed on the landing at the top of the stairs.

  “I’m exhausted!”

  “No rest for the wicked. Up.” He said, reaching for my hands.

  “Ah, no more. Can’t we just rest for a bit?” I pleaded. “Just a bit?” My shoulders were aching. My arms felt like jelly and my fingers were wrinkled from too much suds and water.

  “I’m sure ten minutes wouldn’t hurt. I’m going to have to leave you soon, though. Reckon we’re about ready for another coat down stairs.” Really? Is it that time already?

  “I know, time has gone so fast.”

  Did he just read my mind or did I say that out loud?

  “You look disappointed, Jayde.”

  “Do I?”

  “Yes. But I’m not sure if it’s because you no longer have a helping hand or if it’s because I won’t be working closely by your side?”

  “Oh, well, there is no way that I would’ve been able to do as much as I have without you.” I blurted before thinking. His eyes dipped slightly. My stomach decided to flip flop inside as I continued speaking.

  “But…it has been nice to have someone to help lighten the load.” I flushed before I could turn my face away from his line of sight. Oh, dear God, just strike me down now so I will never have to deal with embarrassing myself again! Please? Please. Now.

  * * *

  The pillow case on my bed was damp this morning. It had a pungent smell of perspiration mixed with tears. I hate being like this. I can’t make any sense out of the nightmares. There isn’t any rhyme or reason, there isn’t any audio to decipher. They were about Haylie. Sometimes I was in them, sometimes I wasn’t, but Haylie was always in them. They only started when she died, but not straight away and not every night. As much as I love seeing my beautiful sister in my after dark reveries, it still makes me wake with a feeling of dread. At night time I can be with her, but in the mornings, she is gone. And I am left alone.

  “Bad one last night?” Dad said greeted me, weary eyed in the morning.

  “I suppose.” I said quietly, trying to brush it off.

  “We might need to talk about that later.” He said hastily as Ross appeared at the kitchen door.

  “Hi Thom, we’re ready to get stuck into things for the day. A lot of the prep work has already been done in the dining room or would you rather us start in the sitting room? That has a lot of cutting in to do with all those exposed beams.”

  “Actually, I thought Jayde and I might start on the sitting room. Help things along.” Oh really?

  “You were going to inform me of this when? I thought I was done with my domestic duties?”

  “Far from it.” Dad laughed. “I’m afraid you have a whole lot more to do young lady. Besides, is there somewhere else you would rather be?” Ok, so he did have a point.

  “You’re not exactly filled with social invitations at the moment.”

  “Yeah, Dad. Don’t remind me that I’m the new girl in town.” I picked up a paint brush that was sitting on the island bench, succumbing to my now domestic life of slave labour.

  “I reckon Reed could introduce you to a few people around town. You two would be similar in age. I would offer but perhaps I’m a bit old for you love.” Ross smiled.

  “Sounds good, but by the look of my mother’s list, I doubt if I will be free any time before my 21st birthday.” I laughed. But my smile disappeared fast and my laughter was short lived. My 21st birthday. Our 21st birthday. I have trouble dealing with every other ordinary day. How on earth will I survive that day? Haylie died 4 months before our 19th birthday. There wasn’t much call for a party then. Of course Mum and Dad wanted to do something for me, but there just wasn’t any escaping the fact that I had shared my entire life, every birthday, every Christmas with Haylie and now she was gone. Where’s the happy occasion in that? So instead of the co-joined 19th birthday party we had planned at our local Surf Life Saving club, I spent the night at a restaurant with my parents. I can’t even remember what I ate. Or even if I did eat. The night followed by both of them playing tag team during the night, checking up on me in my room. Did they really think I would harm myself? If that was what they were thinking, do they not know me well enough that I wouldn’t be so dramatic to do it on our birthday? If I had wanted to harm myself or tread in Haylie’s fateful footsteps, I would have done so 4 months ago. What is the point in putting myself through the heartache for 4 months? I feel just as depleted now as I did then. No, I wouldn’t endure the pain for any longer than I had to but it’s just not in my nature to quit. Then again, I didn’t think it wasn’t in Haylie’s, either.

  Dad and I set to work on the sitting room. It wasn’t a small room by any means. It probably should have been the lounge room, but with all the beam work, it made furniture configuration difficult. And it made cutting in a pain staking and tedious job.

  “Unrelenting isn’t it?” I heard Reed approach from behind me. I was high on a ladder, occupying my mind with the all too familiar task of painting a straight line. Fumbling, I turned to face him.

  “Whoa. Careful there, you don’t want to hurt yourself.”

  “It’s tempting.” I said, climbing down to the steady ground. Reed laughed. “You think I’m joking? You’ve seen what’s on my list.” He laughed again. “If it’s any consolation, you are doing a good job. It’s helping immensely.”

  “Helping you get your job done quicker.”

  “In part. I mean, it looks like you are doing a pretty good job, but if you were to stuff it up, well, we would just have to be here a bit longer. Besides.” He said inspecting my handiwork.

  “Maybe if I wasn’t so distracted I could work quicker.”

  “You’re distracted because of me?” I asked confidently.

  “Yeah, I have to keep looking over to check you’re doing it right.” He smirked. Oh, for Christ’s sake, Jayde! You’re an idiot. Run now. Just run. “I’m just kidding, Jayde. You are so easy to rile.”

  He smiled, playfully punching my arm. I grimaced, trying to turn it in to a smile. My body was aching so much. Not as much as my ego, however.

  “You wanna take a break for lunch? There’s a nice little cafe in the main street if you would like to come? They make some pretty good stuff there.” Did he just ask me out? Have I replied? Can I reply without sounding like an idiot? Again.

  “Ah, um…” Nope, not working for you Jayde. I took in a deep breath. “Perhaps another time.” I blurted.

  “Sure. No worries.”

  “You should try and give that shoulder a rest, though.” Reed added walking out the front door.

  * * *

  Why does it have to be so cold? I must have kicked around in bed during last night’s visionary ordeal. My doona was thrown across the floor. Apart from my body feeling the cold, it actually felt like it was coming back to life. There wasn’t the ache in my shoulder that I had yesterday and was still expecting. My greatest concern right now was how to defrost the tip of my nose?

  I decided that coffee would be a great start. Running down the stairs to arm myself with the ammunition needed to face the rest of the day, I collided with Reed, hard. He fell backwards to the floor and I followed, not so graciously. Oh my God he smelt great! I think my mouth began to water. “Good morning.” He laughed. I was still lying on top of him when my mother came into view.

  “Goodness gracious. Jayde, what on earth are you doing? Get off that poor man.” She scolded. One more breath…hmm…he smelt of musk and sandalwood…

  “Need a hand?”

  “Ah, yeah, ah, thanks. And sorry.” I added.

  “No problem at all.” He gr
inned. “I get the distinct feeling that you might be a little accident prone.”

  “Are you asking me or telling me?” I said embarrassed.

  “Oh dear child, he’s being polite.” Mum said as she turned on her heels.

  “I’m just glad I was in the right place at the right time, then.” Reed smiled.

  “To break my fall?” I scoffed in embarrassment. He looked at me quizzically. Shaking his head, he said. “No Jayde, to catch you.”

  THREE

  It felt good to use my muscles. Up and down ladders, vacuuming, scrubbing window sills, washing down walls. I normally like to get out and go for a run. With the lack of exercise on our pilgrimage down, my whole body was screaming of restlessness. The housework used muscles that had been hidden in my 19 year old body. I liked to push the boundaries, feel the sting in my muscles. It was good to be strong.

  My contemplative look attracted my mother’s gaze.

  “Why so smug?” Mum asked entering by bedroom.

  “Smug?” I snapped from my thoughts.

  “You look smug. Rather pleased with yourself. I thought it might have had something to do with that young painter.”