by Radclyffe
For the first time in years, her body spoke to her of desire. The longing was so unexpected that it frightened her. She didn’t know what it meant. All she knew for certain was that Sean made her feel things that she hadn’t thought she could feel any more—desire, need, and oh-so-unbelievably, for the briefest of moments, happiness.
After six interminable days, Drew had reluctantly admitted to herself that nothing was going to change what Sean had stirred within her. She missed seeing Sean; she missed the way those green eyes lit up when Sean looked at her; and she missed the way the pain disappeared when Sean was nearby. It didn’t matter that she didn’t understand it. All she knew was that she wanted to feel the way she felt when Sean smiled at her.
And now she did.
“Is everything okay?” Sean asked quietly. “You weren’t…sick or anything?”
“No.” Drew met her eyes, lingered there for a moment. “No, I’m fine.”
“Good. That’s…good.”
While Drew returned to her forms, Sean unpacked her gear, already more settled just from being in the same room with the other woman. When Drew hadn’t returned to class after the night of the party, Sean had been afraid that she would never see her again.
Something had been awakened between them—she wasn’t certain what it meant to Drew, but she knew what she had experienced while they danced. She’d wanted Drew. Plain and simple and completely beyond explanation. Oh, she could cite the reasons she had given Ellen for finding Drew attractive, and all of them were true. Drew was intense and driven and intriguing. She was also sometimes kind, caring, and gentle. Physically, Drew was captivating, and emotionally, she was compelling. She was all of those things, and yet to Sean, she was so much more. Drew’s unique constellation of strength and need spoke to Sean’s heart, and that was the thing that defied explanation.
It simply was.
Even though there was no way to give voice to any of those things in the classroom that night, Sean was content. Drew behaved toward her as she always had, although every now and then, Sean would feel Drew’s gaze on her from across the room. When she looked over, Drew’s eyes were dark—not with pain this time, but with passion. In an instant, it would be gone, but not before Sean’s heart nearly stuttered to a stop in her chest.
Sean tried desperately to concentrate, but she took advantage of every opportunity she could find to watch Drew, too. When Drew demonstrated a technique for the class, Sean lost herself in the way Drew’s body moved, the crispness and efficiency of her techniques, the focus in her eyes. When Drew’s hands cut the air, Sean imagined them on her skin; when she lifted one powerful thigh, Sean remembered the press of those muscles between her legs; when Drew pivoted, striking out, Sean felt the rush of their bodies meeting. Imagining the woman within the warrior, she remembered being in Drew’s arms, and her cheeks flushed unbidden.
At the end of the class, Sean was once again stowing her gear nearly shoulder to shoulder with Drew. She was astonished to realize she was trembling, and she hoped Drew couldn’t see it. Softly, almost against her will, she said, “I missed you.”
Drew grew very still, her fist tightening on the sparring gloves she had been about to place into her bag. She turned her head and stared into the softest eyes she’d ever seen. There was such promise of peace in those green depths; she would gladly have stayed in that safe haven forever. If such perfect places could exist, she imagined it must be in the heart of a woman.
Then she looked away, whispering, “Goodnight, Sean.”
*
The following Monday, after yet another class when her attention had been divided between watching Drew and trying not to be caught staring, Sean pulled up to her unlit house, surprised that Susan had gone out. Usually her sister spent weeknights at home catching up on work, preferring to sleep at Ellen’s only on the weekends. Sean frowned as she parked beside Susan’s car in the carport. Well, she didn’t drive somewhere. If she’s home, why is the house dark at only ten o’clock?
“Suse?” Sean called into the eerily silent house. “You home?”
She flicked on the kitchen light and caught her breath. An open fifth of vodka sat in the middle of the table, and it was nearly empty.
Oh my God.
“Susan!” she cried, running into the main hallway and up the stairs to the second floor. Heart racing, her stomach in knots, she rushed toward her sister’s room. “Honey, are you here?”
Silence.
She pushed open the door, something she would ordinarily never do, but panic had overridden caution. Groping for the light switch, and then blinking from the sudden brightness, she cast frantic eyes over the room.
Empty.
Something is wrong—really, really wrong. Oh, Susan, where are you?
Hurriedly, she checked the other rooms in Susan’s wing of the upper floor, then her office and the library.
Nothing.
There were no lights anywhere outside, but that’s where she had to be. The outside search revealed Susan on the terrace, perched on top of the wall overlooking the garden, legs folded underneath her, her back to the house. The hand resting on the balustrade held a glass.
“Susan,” Sean said calmly as she crossed what felt like an interminable distance between them, “what are you doing, hon?”
Susan looked over her shoulder, her face ominously flat in the stark moonlight. Expressionlessly, she took a swallow from her glass and looked away. “Hi, Sis.”
Tentatively, almost as she would approach someone teetering on the ledge of a twenty-story building, Sean eased herself up onto the top of the wall next to her sister. She wanted to touch her, but she hesitated. It was agony to watch her bring the glass to her lips again, but Sean bit back a protest.
“What happened, Suse?”
Her twin made a small sound that might have been a laugh, or a sob. “Care to join me in a drink?”
No no no. Don’t do this. Struggling to keep her voice even, Sean managed to ask again around the lump in her throat and the churning despair in her stomach, “What’s wrong?”
“Ellen left me,” Susan said with absolutely no inflection.
Sean’s jaw dropped. “No. You mean you had another fight, right?”
“No, Sean,” Susan said, enunciating each word carefully. “I mean exactly what I said. Ellen’s gone—as in she left me for someone else.”
“Ellen? Ellen is having an affair?” Sean couldn’t get her mind around it. Ellen, her friend and partner—the woman she saw every day of her life—was involved with another woman?
“Apparently, yes.”
Susan swung her legs down over the side of the wall and dropped onto the flagstones. She swayed slightly until she managed to get one hand out to steady herself against Sean’s thigh.
“Are you sure?” Sean lightly covered Susan’s fingers with her palm. Her sister’s hand was cold despite the still warm early September night.
“Yes. I’m sure,” Susan snapped as she pulled her hand away and turned her back. “She told me so in exactly those terms. In fact, if I recall the precise conversation, she said she slept with her the night of your party. Somebody named Gail.”
Sean had a sick feeling in her stomach. It couldn’t be. It couldn’t have been Gail Driscoll and Ellen she’d seen going into the library the night of the party. No, it couldn’t be.
“Where are you going?” Sean cried. She jumped down and trailed her sister, who was moving unsteadily toward the house.
“To get another drink.”
Something snapped. Fear, pity, anger, shock. All of it combined to shred her control.
“Oh, no, you’re not.” Sean grabbed her arm. “Not after six years of sobriety, you’re not.”
Roughly, Susan shook off her sister’s hand. In a voice harsh with fury and tears, she shouted, “Leave me the fuck alone, Sean!”
“Not on your life. You’ll kill yourself with this much alcohol.”
“I’m fine.” Susan laughed, a hollow mirthless lau
gh. “It’s amazing how easy it goes down, even after all this time.”
“You’re not fine. You’re coming inside with me. I mean it.” Sean reached for her again and barely ducked her head in time to avoid the glass Susan flung at her. It crashed on the flagstones.
They both stood in stunned silence.
At last the tears came. Susan covered her face with both hands and keened, a wounded broken sound that ripped the heart from Sean’s chest. Sobbing herself, Sean gathered her twin into her arms, holding her tightly, rocking her as she pressed her lips to Susan’s clammy forehead. “It’ll be okay, honey. I’ll talk to her. We’ll sort this out.”
Suddenly, Susan pulled away, stumbling back a few steps. “I’m going to be sick.”
Just in time, Sean got her inside and knelt with her on the cold harsh tiles, stroking her back while Susan vomited until her stomach was empty, and then some. Crooning meaningless words, she brushed the tangled hair from her shivering twin’s eyes and fought the desire to kill both Gail and Ellen for hurting her like this.
*
The next day, Sean was waiting in the office they shared when Ellen arrived at just after 7:00 a.m. She was happy to see that Ellen’s face was pale and drawn. “We need to talk.”
“So you know,” Ellen stated tiredly. After dropping her briefcase, she sank heavily into one of the two chairs in front of the broad desk where they did their paperwork. A door on the opposite side of the room gave access to the adjoining space where they actually saw clients and another led to the small kitchenette and bathroom.
“I don’t know your side of it,” Sean replied as she sat across from her friend, struggling for control. She hadn’t had much sleep herself. After she’d cajoled and maneuvered Susan upstairs to bed, she’d been afraid to leave her. It was terrifying to think that if Susan woke up and started drinking again, she might not stop until she ended up in the hospital.
“Do you want to hear my side of things?”
“Yes, I need to understand what’s going on. Susan was drunk last night, Ellen. I want you to explain to me why.”
“Oh, Lord.” Ellen closed her eyes, looking as if she had been struck. “Is she all right?”
“Of course she’s not all right.” Sean pushed both hands through her hair, her fingers trembling with nerves and exhaustion. “She’s devastated. If I hadn’t come home when I did, I don’t know what might have happened.”
“I didn’t think she would drink—believe me, I didn’t.” Tears streamed from the corners of Ellen’s swollen eyes. “I would have stayed with her until you got home if I had.”
Sean believed her. Whatever Ellen might have done, she would never have let Susan endanger herself. Weary and on the verge of tears herself, Sean entreated, “Tell me what in God’s name has happened.”
“I’m...involved...with someone else. I told Susan last night.”
“I can’t believe it,” Sean blurted. “After all this time? How?”
“I didn’t mean for it to happen.” Ellen shrugged helplessly. “It just did. Isn’t that how these things always happen?”
“How long has it been going on?”
“Two weeks—not even. I thought at first it was just a one night thing, but then...” Her voice trailed off, and she looked away. “And then I saw her again. More than once. Then I knew I had to tell Susan.”
“Is it Gail Driscoll?”
“Yes.”
“Jesus, Ellen, are you crazy?” Sean snapped, getting to her feet and then pacing in the small space. “Have you lost your fucking mind? She’s twenty years old! What could possibly have possessed you?”
“She’s not twenty—she’s almost twenty-two,” Ellen responded defensively. “And she’s crazy about me, and I need that. I need to feel like I’m really wanted.”
Sean stared at her, speechless for a moment. When she spoke again, her voice trembled with the effort to contain her anger. “And you think Susan doesn’t want you? Do you think she drank herself into oblivion because she doesn’t want you?”
“Six years, Sean.” Ellen’s guilt was surpassed finally by anger, and she got to her feet, striding around the desk to put distance between them. “We’ve been together six goddamned years, and I get to sleep with her two nights a week. I get to wake up with her—if I’m lucky—Saturday and Sunday. She’s kept me at arm’s length all these years, and I’ve finally had enough. Enough.” The outburst seemed to have drained her of strength, and she finished in almost a whisper. “I want a full-time lover, a full-time life.”
“And you think you’ll have that with a woman thirteen years younger than you? Thirteen big years younger?”
“It happens.”
Sean stared at Ellen in frustration, her emotions in turmoil. She knew how much pain Ellen had been in, and how Susan’s refusal to live with her had continued to distance them. But all she could see at that moment was the naked anguish in her sister’s face.
“What about Susan? Have you stopped loving her?”
Ellen began to cry again, racking sobs that shook her slender frame. She placed her palms flat on the desk, her head down, her voice a strangled groan. “Dear God—I don’t want to love her. I keep praying I’ll wake up, and I won’t anymore.”
“Oh, Ellen.” The unmitigated anguish in Ellen’s voice reached past Sean’s anger and bewilderment to touch her heart, and she came around the desk to put her arm around Ellen’s shoulder. When the other woman turned her face into Sean’s chest and held on to her almost desperately, Sean stroked Ellen’s hair and rocked her, muttering, “What a mess.”
As Ellen’s sobs diminished, Sean lifted the redhead’s chin in her palm and forced Ellen to look at her. “Are you in love with Gail Driscoll?”
“Not precisely.” Ellen lowered her eyes and stepped away, unable to take more comfort from a friend she knew she had hurt. “More like seriously in lust.”
“Terrific.” Sean sighed. “And how do you think you’ll feel in six months when you’ve finally stopped fucking each other’s brains out?”
“I hope we’ll still have a relationship,” Ellen said hollowly, gathering her briefcase and files. “I have to believe we will, or else I’m really lost.”
“Will you stop seeing Gail long enough to talk this out with Susan in therapy? We can find someone discreet to see the two of you.”
“I’m hardly worried about my reputation.” Ellen laughed bitterly. “You know as well as I do Susan won’t go to therapy.”
Sean raised her hand to stop her protests. “If she would, can you put a halt to this affair and try to sort out the issues?”
“I don’t know if I can.” Ellen met Sean’s eyes directly, and now her voice was firm. “I don’t know if I want to.”
“Ellen, please—think what you’re doing!”
“It might be too late, Sean.” Ellen turned toward the other room. “I feel like I’m at the end of the road with Susan.”
“Susan loves you. She needs you,” Sean said quietly. “Just think about it, please. For all our sakes.”
Chapter Seven
Drew knew there was a problem as soon as Sean entered the dojang. Sean went directly to the rear of the room, stored her gear, donned her uniform jacket, and began to warm up. She hadn’t greeted anyone or even looked at anyone—not even Drew. And she was pale—deep circles smudged her normally vibrant eyes, and her hands shook as she tied the red belt around her waist.
Drew's first instinct was to ask Sean what was wrong, and she’d actually taken a step in Sean’s direction before stopping short. It’s not your concern. And it’s definitely not your place to ask her about her personal life.
Still, as Drew took her place at the front of the room and called the class to order, she kept one eye on the senior student. Master Cho and Sabum Roma were out of town at a planning meeting for the upcoming Gay Games and had left Drew in charge. During the warm-ups and drills, Sean performed with her usual proficiency, although she seemed quiet and withdrawn. And the longer tha
t Sean would not meet Drew’s eyes, the more concerned Drew became—and the more distracted.
With a start, Drew realized that the focal point of every day had become those hours when she saw Sean. The few seconds when Sean’s warm gaze found her, holding her in a soft embrace, were the times she lived for. The absence of that fleeting connection, something she’d come to anticipate—even count on—left her with a hollow ache that was frightening in its intensity.
Resolutely, Drew forced herself to concentrate on the sparring drills she had instructed the students to practice. When she moved to Sean’s side to observe her techniques, Sean glanced at her briefly, and Drew saw the pain shadowing her eyes. She recognized the anguish, because she had so often seen it in her own eyes looking back from the mirror.
“Everything all right?” Drew asked quietly, despite her best intentions not to get involved.
“Yes, ma’am,” Sean replied, but her voice was rough with recent tears. She looked away quickly, afraid she would break when she saw the concern in Drew’s face. I’m so damn tired. If I hurt this much, what must Susan be feeling?
The thought of Susan’s agony coupled with the fear of what she might be doing to dull the pain threatened what remained of Sean’s composure. She bit her lip, unconsciously hoping that her own pain would block out her concerns for her sister.
“Get your sparring gear on,” Drew called to the group as she moved away, reluctantly accepting that she could not lessen Sean’s unhappiness. That realization left her feeling helpless, a state foreign to her. Nor was she accustomed to the overwhelming need to ease someone else’s pain—her own had been foremost for so long. Annoyed at her loss of focus, her voice was sharp as she ordered, “Pair off by rank—white belts up first.”