by Radclyffe
The students hurried to comply and, after gearing up, formed a line according to rank along one side of the room while awaiting further instructions.
“I want you to concentrate on techniques,” Drew said. “Hand combinations, double kicks, footwork—practice moving out of your opponent’s kicking range and into your own. Use this opportunity to practice the drills we’ve just been doing in class.”
Everything went well with the lower ranks. Drew watched them carefully, urging the more reticent under-belts to make body contact and to accept being hit.
“The point of practice is to learn to accept pain in a controlled situation. You cannot afford to be overcome or disoriented by an injury during a real attack. You have to absorb the pain—let it flow through you and be gone. When you let it in, it loses its power.”
Then, only two fighters remained.
“Gail, Sean—you’re up. Black belt rules—remember to keep your guard up.”
Drew was surprised by the reluctance that showed in the two students as they bowed to one another. Neither of them attempted eye contact.
“Free spar positions.” Both women shifted, rear leg back, both hands up and forward. “Begin.”
Moving slowly around the periphery of the fight, Drew watched each woman carefully. Sean looked unusually tight, and her usual graceful transitions were notably absent. Gail, on the other hand, was uncharacteristically timid. When she had the opportunity to make contact, she didn’t. After several minutes, Drew stopped them.
“You’re fighting like beginners, both of you. You wouldn’t last two minutes in a real fight.”
At this point, Sean and Gail were kneeling with their backs to each other, their gloved hands resting on their thighs, staring straight ahead as Drew spoke. A muscle in Sean’s jaw clenched and unclenched rhythmically.
“Try again,” Drew snapped. “I want you to fight the way I know you can. I want body contact. I want head strikes. I want crisp, focused attacks. Face each other.”
The two fighters stood, bowed, and waited for Drew’s command to begin again. This time, Sean looked like a different woman. The instant she heard Drew’s voice, she shot forward with a quick jab-hook combination, then followed up with a side kick that slipped underneath Gail’s forward guarding hand and landed on her chest. Gail staggered back a few feet, emitting a small grunt of surprise and discomfort.
“Watch your control, Sean,” Drew cautioned, her eyes narrowing. There was something off about the look in Sean’s eyes. Almost as if she weren’t there.
Sean gave no sign of hearing her teacher, and when Gail attempted a spin kick, Sean trapped the other woman’s kicking leg and swept the opposite one out from under her, taking her down fast and hard onto her back. This time, the rush of air from Gail’s chest upon impact was audible throughout the room.
“Sean,” Drew warned sharply. “You need to break her fall if you’re going to sweep her.”
Gail got slowly to her feet, her expression wavering between wary and angry. Abruptly, Sean dropped her hands and stepped back.
Facing Drew, she bowed and said hoarsely, “I’d like to be excused, ma’am.”
“Sit down, Sean,” Drew said quietly. “Anne, you’re up with Gail.”
*
Drew waited until the last student left before speaking to Sean, who still sat on the bench at the rear of the room, her head down, her open gear bag at her feet. Drew walked over and waited in front of her until Sean finally looked up.
“What happened?” she asked quietly.
“I’m sorry.” Sean’s eyes betrayed her misery. “I couldn’t fight her,” was all she could manage. She didn’t want to say more; she was too close to tears.
“Why not?”
Sean passed her hand across her face and swallowed hard. “I was afraid if I kept going, I would hurt her. God, Drew.” Her green eyes swam with pain. “I wanted to hurt her.”
“What’s going on between the two of you?”
“It’s...private.” Sean averted her gaze, fighting unsuccessfully for composure.
“Not any longer,” Drew said steadily. “You brought the issue to the floor of this dojang. Now, it concerns me.”
Sean stood up suddenly. “No, it doesn’t,” she said tightly and turned away. “It’s...I can’t talk about it.”
Hearing the tears threatening to break in Sean’s choked voice, Drew reached instinctively for the suffering woman’s shoulders. “Sean, it’s all right.”
“No. No, it isn’t.” Sean’s back was still to Drew, but the touch of those strong, tender hands called to her. Suddenly, Sean spun around and rushed into the waiting circle of Drew’s arms, roughly pressing her face to Drew’s chest, her hands fisted in Drew’s gi top. “Oh, damn. I didn’t want to do this here.”
Stunned, Drew pulled her closer as she felt Sean shudder with silent sobs. Gently, she stroked the dark, wavy hair and cradled the wounded woman against her body. “Sean, Sean,” she murmured, scarcely aware of what she was doing or saying, overcome by the desperate desire to comfort her. “Ah, God—don’t cry, baby.”
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Sean managed at last, her head tucked beneath Drew’s chin. She clung to the solidity of Drew’s body like a lifeline, taking strength and solace from her compassionate embrace.
“Tell me,” Drew said, keeping Sean safely in her arms.
“Gail and Ellen are having an affair,” Sean said at last in a rush. She lowered her arms around Drew’s waist and kept her cheek pressed to Drew’s chest. The slow steady beat of Drew’s heart calmed her.
“Gail and—” Drew broke off, surprised. When Sean raised her head, Drew saw the misery in her beautiful green eyes. “Ellen—your sister’s lover? She and Gail Driscoll are involved?”
Sean nodded.
“That’s...damn, that’s hard. How’s Susan taking it?”
“She’s heartbroken.” Sean hesitated, reluctant to disclose anything else. “I know it’s not really Gail’s fault—or anyone’s fault—but Susan was all I could think about when I looked at Gail tonight. I wanted to kill her.”
“You did the right thing in recognizing your anger, in refusing to fight.” Drew slipped her hands to the back of Sean’s neck, massaging the tight muscles as she spoke. Barely an inch separated their bodies. “I’m sorry about Susan. I’m sorry for Ellen.”
One hand slipped into the hair at the base of Sean’s neck. “I’m sorry for you,” Drew whispered. One of them was trembling. She wasn’t sure which.
Sean tightened her arms around Drew’s waist until she was pressed completely along her length. She wasn’t thinking—she was too frightened for Susan and just too exhausted. Slowly, as if in a dream, she became aware of Drew’s fingers in her hair, of Drew’s chest and thighs melded with hers, of Drew’s ragged breathing. Drew was shaking. So was she.
Following instincts more primal than caution could contain, Sean slid her hands higher on Drew’s back and rocked into her, gasping as heat unexpectedly rushed from her depths down her legs, along her spine. Drew’s breath whispered in her hair, then warm lips caressed her ear, and instantly she felt herself grow heavy and wet with desire.
“Drew.” Instinctively, she tilted her head up, searching Drew’s face with desperate urgency. The blue eyes that met hers were unguarded, and what she saw in them stirred a soft moan in her throat. There was wanting there, and need.
They held one another’s gaze as Drew slowly lowered her head. When their lips touched for the first time, Sean moaned again. Drew explored first Sean’s lips, then her mouth, with soft strokes of her tongue until they were both drunk with kisses. And then there was no thought, only sensation—liquid heat turning molten with each touch, softness tightening to steel as muscles clenched and hands caressed. Two bodies, two souls, seeking to join. When Drew’s hands dropped to Sean’s buttocks, holding her in place as she urged her thigh insistently between Sean’s legs, Sean nearly crumpled under the unexpected onslaught of pleasure.
Clu
tching at the strong shoulders for support, fearful of the escalating pressure that pounded insistently within, Sean pulled her mouth away from the fierce kiss. “Drew, I’m afraid I might...” She gasped as Drew surged against her again, forcing another rush of blood into her already swollen tissues. A pulse beat hard between her legs, and she felt her control slip. “Oh God, Drew, stop. I can’t—”
Shuddering wildly, Drew groaned somewhere deep inside and buried her face in Sean’s neck, her breath tearing from her chest in broken sobs. “I’m sorry...I didn’t mean,” Drew mumbled, her face still hidden. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t you dare be sorry,” Sean warned, her voice barely a whisper. Clinging to Drew, every cell on fire, Sean tried to soothe the trembling woman with gentle strokes through her sweat-soaked hair. “Don’t you dare.”
Unsteady still, Drew stepped away, her hands at her sides, her eyes desolate.
“Sean, I—”
Sean stilled Drew’s words with the light touch of fingers to her lips. “Please, please don’t apologize,” she said softly. Then she smiled, a tender, wistful smile. “It was too wonderful to spoil with explanations.”
Drew stared at her, a million conflicting emotions roiling within. She wanted to run; she wanted to take Sean in her arms; she wanted time to stop, so she would never see another thing except the flush on Sean’s face and the desire in her eyes.
“Are you all right?” Drew barely recognized her own voice, and she didn’t know what to do with her hands. If she’d had pockets, she would’ve jammed her fists into them. As it was, she wanted to touch Sean so badly all she could do was clasp her fingers behind her back to hide the tremors.
Laughing shakily, Sean ran her fingers through her hair. “Oh, I don’t think so.” At Drew’s quick intake of breath, Sean continued hurriedly, “But I’m not upset. I mean, I am...what Susan is going through is killing me.”
Sean met Drew’s eyes. Her voice was hushed as she murmured, “I’m not upset with you, though. I’m glad you were here.”
“So am I,” Drew said hoarsely.
“I should go,” Sean said reluctantly. “I haven’t heard from Susan since early this afternoon. I need to check in with her.”
There were so many things Drew wanted to say, but in the end, all she could do was stand mutely, a lingering sadness in her eyes, as Sean gathered her things and quietly left the room.
*
By the end of the week, Sean looked no better. In fact, Drew thought she looked even more worn and disoriented with each passing day. The sight of Sean’s obvious suffering produced a constant ache in the pit of Drew’s stomach, but she didn’t know how to approach her, or even if she should. What had happened between them a few days before had left her shaken. She had been totally unprepared for her own response. Indeed, she hadn’t meant to kiss Sean; she hadn’t even meant to touch her. And then when she had, she couldn’t stop. She was surprised that even the sound of Sean’s voice asking her to stop had penetrated her consciousness, because she had been so totally out of control. That was something that never happened to her. She didn’t let it happen.
She couldn’t even remember how it had started—she had only meant to comfort Sean, or so she’d thought, and then she’d suddenly been holding her, and reason had fled. She hadn’t been able to think then; her brain, her body, had been on fire. The intensity of it—her need, her overwhelming desire to possess Sean in a way she hadn’t wanted anyone before, not even—
With that realization her mind rebelled, leaving her frightened and confused...and constantly craving. After years of being numb, physically and emotionally, her senses had awakened with a vengeance. Sleep was nearly impossible, and not even training until her muscles shook with fatigue seemed to quiet the fire in her flesh.
Seeing Sean in pain night after night was almost more than she could bear.
By the time Sean arrived for class on Friday night, much later than usual, Drew’s concern had turned to apprehension. Sean was pale to the point of translucence, and the shadows beneath her eyes had become hollows. After Janet called the class to order and the students began the familiar routines, Drew watched Sean from the corner of her eye. Her performance was lacking the ordinarily crisp, tight execution that Drew had come to expect. Sean’s reflexes were slow and her balance off. Whatever is going on with her, it’s something a lot more serious than just Susan’s break-up. She’s going to get injured in here in the condition she’s in.
When Janet announced free sparring, Drew moved to the chief instructor’s side while the students prepared to fight. In an unprecedented breach of protocol, Drew stated emphatically, “Sean should not spar tonight.”
Janet turned to her in surprise, her dark eyes questioning. What she saw in Drew’s face must have sufficed, because she simply nodded and said, “Work with her on her weapons form.”
Drew bowed. “Thank you, Master Cho.”
If Sean was surprised when Drew took her aside and explained that they would work separately from the rest of the class, she didn’t show it. Mutely, she merely nodded and trailed behind Drew to the far corner of the room. Mechanically, Sean followed Drew’s instructions, and at the end of the class, she packed her gear and left, almost unaware of the activity around her.
Once on the street, Sean trudged tiredly toward her Mazda, barely registering the sound of someone calling her name. It took several seconds for the familiar voice to penetrate her consciousness. Slowly, she turned to find Drew striding rapidly toward her.
“Sean,” Drew said quietly as she reached her, uncertain what she had wanted to say when she had impetuously followed her outside.
“Hi.” Sean smiled wanly and wearily leaned her hips against the fender of her car. She dropped her bag by her feet, almost too worn out to carry it.
“You look beat,” Drew said gently.
Laughing humorlessly, Sean nodded. “If there’s a word for beyond tired, that’s me.”
“What’s happening?”
Several students passed by, calling goodnight, but neither of them responded. They stood barely a foot apart, close enough to touch, and the very air between them seemed to draw their bodies inexorably toward one another.
This time, Drew did put her hands in the pockets of her jeans. Jesus, what am I thinking?
“Sean?”
“God, this isn’t like me.” Sean passed a trembling hand across her eyes, embarrassed. “I’m usually so much more solid. This is what I do for a living, for heaven’s sake—I should handle it better than this.”
“This is your sister,” Drew said gently. “Try giving yourself a break.”
“You’re right. I’ll try.” Sean took a deep breath and struggled to clear the shadows from her mind. “I haven’t gotten much sleep in the last few days. Susan is...Susan is drinking. Every day. All day, I think. That’s something she hasn’t done in six years.”
Drew nodded sympathetically. She didn’t need any further explanation. “Is there anything I can do?”
Through her fatigue and worry, Sean’s heart stirred at the compassion and tenderness in Drew’s voice. Remembering the way she had felt in Drew’s arms—the comfort and safety she had experienced—she wanted, for an instant, simply to wrap her arms around Drew’s strong, solid presence and close her eyes. Need like that was something unfamiliar to her.
Emotional comfort was something she had never wanted nor been given, because it was something she had never sought. Not from her parents, not from her lovers, and most of the time, not from her sister, whose needs so often seemed greater than hers. From childhood, it had been Sean’s nature to be the strength for the two of them, even though Susan had never asked it of her.
Drew’s simple offer did what days and nights of constant worry had not been able to do—it broke the dam holding her tears at bay. Stunned, Sean turned her face away.
“Sean,” Drew murmured, extending her hand as she gave in to the urge for contact. She took the step that closed the distance between the
m and rested her palm gently on Sean’s arm. “I’m so sorry.”
Sean nodded, impatiently brushing the moisture from her cheeks. “I know it’s probably hard for you to believe, but I don’t usually do this kind of thing.”
“Not so hard to believe at all.”
Sean’s tears were creating cracks in the carefully tended fortifications around Drew’s heart, and it was all she could do not to pull Sean into her arms again. She ached to shelter Sean from anything that might hurt her.
“Thanks.” Sean tentatively looked at Drew again as she tried out a tremulous smile. “I haven’t really been able to talk to anyone about it, because...well, Ellen’s my best friend. And unfortunately, we haven’t been doing much talking lately.”
It suddenly occurred to Drew that, in losing Ellen’s friendship, Sean had lost something nearly as important as her sister. And despite Sean’s valiant attempts to make light of her anguish, she was shaking. “Let me drive you home.”
“No, I’m all right.” Sean touched Drew’s hand gratefully, and their fingers intertwined for an instant. They both let go simultaneously, as if startled and not quite understanding what had happened. “I appreciate...everything. I’ll be okay.”
“You’re so tired you can barely stand up,” Drew observed sharply, now completely undone. “I don’t know how you made it through class. You have a thirty-minute drive, and it’s already late. I’m taking you home.”
Sean wavered, torn between the need to be strong for Susan—and for herself—and her desperate desire to let down her defenses, if only for a few minutes. The fact that Drew looked like she was not going to change her mind helped make the decision.
“All right.”
“Let me have your keys. I’ll drive your car.” Drew unlocked the doors. “I don’t live very far from here, so I walked. I can catch one of the local trains to come back.”
Even as Sean settled into the front seat, grateful that she would not have to force her fuzzy brain to concentrate on expressway traffic, she protested, “It’s an awful lot of trouble for you.”