by Radclyffe
Drew’s eyes were intense, compelling. Although she hadn’t moved a muscle, Sean felt her gaze like a caress and, with effort, murmured, “Yes, ma’am.”
Sean faced Drew, fixing her eyes on that laser-like gaze, and searched desperately for composure. She steepled her hands in front of her face and took a deep breath. She willed herself to listen to her breath flowing easily, unbroken, from deep in her body, and slowly, her mind and body melded. When she took her first step, she was already one with the form.
Drew watched the transformation with the same amazement she had felt the first night she’d seen Sean, months before. The subtle fusing of mind, body, and spirit produced a nearly visible aura of calm focus. She had never seen anyone except Janet Cho do that, and Janet was a master. This was the strength, that ability to achieve inner harmony with a fierce sense of purpose, which defined Sean. She might have honed the ability in the dojang, but it sprang from the essence of her, untaught. This was the power that had drawn Drew to her, and the beauty she had missed each day she had been gone.
When Sean finished, feeling the familiar sense of completion wash over her, she closed her eyes for a moment. As she opened them, the look in Drew’s eyes made her breath catch in her throat. Oh, how I’ve missed you.
At the end of class, Sean gathered her gear hesitantly, not sure what to do. She wanted to speak to Drew, but decorum, as well as personal uncertainty, held her back. Is she back to stay? Does she want to see me? Do I even have the right to ask? Yielding finally to a need greater than caution, and ignoring her qualms, she approached Drew.
“Are you back for good?” Sean asked quietly.
Drew had removed her gi top and was folding it neatly in preparation for stowing it away. Even though Sean tried not to notice the way the sweat-darkened T-shirt molded to Drew’s chest and shoulders, her body stirred in response. I’m not going to be able to stay in the same room as her, not feeling like this. What am I going to do?
“Yes.” Drew did not look up.
“I’m glad,” Sean replied stiffly before she turned away, stung by the abrupt response and shaken by her body’s betrayal.
Drew straightened suddenly, hearing the hurt in Sean’s voice. “Sean, I...” Let her go. You know you should.
“What?” Sean turned back to her, searching Drew’s face for what she hadn’t said. “Drew?”
Drew couldn’t look away from the yearning in Sean’s eyes. The words came out in a rush before she had a chance to stop herself. “There’s an Aikido demonstration in Bryn Mawr Saturday morning. Would you like to go?”
“Yes,” Sean answered immediately.
“I’ll pick you up? It will be easier to drive together.”
“Yes,” Sean responded again, refusing to think about anything except what her heart demanded. Whatever seeing Drew again meant, or did not, she had to know.
*
When Sean got home that night, she found Susan in the TV room, engrossed in a Batman rerun. Sean sagged into a chair and opened a soda. By unspoken agreement, they hadn’t kept alcohol in the house since Susan got sober.
“Good class?” Susan asked, her eyes riveted to the screen. She held out a bowl of popcorn in Sean’s general direction.
“Uh-huh,” Sean said, curiously unanimated. “No thanks.”
“What’s up?”
“Drew’s back.” The words were barely audible.
Susan sat up suddenly and switched the remote to mute. “Did you talk to her?”
“Not much. She asked me to go to a martial arts exhibition this weekend.”
“Like a date?” Susan exclaimed.
Sean shrugged. “I have no idea. I’m completely in the dark.”
“How do you feel?”
“Numb. I can’t believe she’s suddenly here.” She took another deep breath and smiled weakly. “But it’s so good to see her. Only now, all I can think about is that she won’t want anything to happen between us.”
“Are you still in love with her?”
“My heart nearly stopped beating when she walked into the room. I wanted to throw myself at her. Yes, it seems I’m still in love with her.”
“Are you sure you should see her? You’ve been hurting so much, Sean.”
“I have to know where we stand, Suse. I just can’t go on without knowing.”
“I wish I could make everything all right for you.” Susan slid closer and put her arm around Sean’s shoulder. “I can’t stand seeing you so sad.”
Sean smiled. “Right back at you, sister.”
“Yeah, well.” Susan smiled a small tremulous smile. “Ellen called tonight.”
“How was that?” Sean asked carefully, taking Susan’s hand and squeezing it gently. “You okay?”
“I cried when I heard her voice.”
“Oh, Suse,” Sean exclaimed.
“She wants to talk. I said yes.”
“Good,” Sean said in relief. “I know she loves you, Suse. Please give each other a chance.”
“I’m so scared.”
Sean hugged her close. “I know, sweetie, I know,” she murmured, thinking they both had good reason to be frightened.
Chapter Thirteen
On her way out to a meeting Saturday morning, Susan pulled the front door open and came face to face with Drew, who was just reaching for the bell. Susan jumped in surprise, giving a little yelp.
“Sorry,” Drew said, feeling awkward. She wondered how much Sean had shared with her sister about their brief encounter, and then realized, probably all of it. That might account for the hard stare Susan was directing at her now.
Despite their exact physical resemblance, Drew had no difficulty telling Susan and Sean apart, even at a distance. Where Sean gave off an aura of stillness and deep quietude, the air vibrated around Susan as if charged with electricity waiting to spark. Right now, she resembled a thundercloud.
“I’ve come to pick up Sean,” Drew offered after the silence extended long enough to be obvious. “Could you tell her, please?”
“Why don’t you come in?” Susan offered grimly, failing in her half-hearted attempt to be gracious. She continued to stare.
“Thanks.” Drew accepted the hard, scathing gaze that threatened to strip flesh from her bones, knowing she deserved it.
“Damn you, Drew,” Susan finally whispered. “You hurt her so much.”
Nothing Susan could have said would have been worse.
“I know. I...I’m sorry.” Pale, Drew looked down briefly.
“Little late now,” Susan hissed.
When Drew raised her head, it shocked Susan to see the same pain in Drew’s eyes that had been in her sister’s for weeks. It hadn’t occurred to her until that moment that Drew might have suffered from the separation, too. Reluctantly, she accepted that whatever had forced Drew to leave, it hadn’t been a lack of feeling for her sister.
“Women are such fools,” Susan muttered as she brushed Drew’s arm lightly. “She’s in the kitchen. Why don’t you go on back.”
Aware of the gesture of truce in Susan’s touch, Drew sighed gratefully. “Thanks, Susan.”
*
Sean heard footsteps approaching and assumed Susan had forgotten something again. She finished pouring her coffee, calling, “What did you lose this time?”
When she got no answer, she turned to find Drew, looking enticingly dangerous in tight black jeans and T-shirt under a black leather bomber jacket, leaning against the doorway, watching her. Cup in hand, Sean stopped in mid-motion, hopelessly enchanted. Drew looked leaner than she remembered, if that were possible, and her body quivered like a bowstring drawn taut. Simply the sight of her was enough to bring heat to Sean’s depths, but it was the look of undisguised desire in the intense blue eyes that threatened to take Sean’s legs out from under her.
“I’m not going to be able to stand up if you keep looking at me like that,” Sean warned softly as she leaned back against the counter.
“I don’t think I can stop,” Drew confessed
in a hoarse whisper.
Sean smiled a little tremulously, a million conflicting emotions surging through her mind while her body took off on its own agenda. Setting her cup aside, she took a shaky breath and said, “I missed you.”
With a strangled groan, Drew moved to within an inch of Sean’s body, stopping in the last second, a desperate question burning in her eyes.
Sean lifted her face, her lips slightly parted, her eyes cloudy. “Yes.”
Then Drew’s arms were around her and a hungry mouth was on hers, possessing her with gentle insistence. Familiar hands traveled the length of her sides and clasped her hips, pulling her close. Palms on Drew’s chest, Sean cleaved to her, needing the assurance of her solid strength. When their lips finally parted, Sean moaned with the loss. She dropped her head against Drew’s shoulder and threaded her arms tightly around her waist, just holding on.
“I couldn’t stay away,” Drew murmured, kissing the wisps of dark hair on Sean’s brow. “You were all I could think about—I had to see you again.”
Sean heard the desperation in Drew’s voice and felt the tentativeness in the arms that held her. Heart pounding, afraid that Drew might bolt again, she forced her voice to be steady. “But?”
Drew only shook her head, burying her face in Sean’s neck. Her voice broke as she said, “I’m so sorry I hurt you, baby.”
Sean struggled with warring emotions. Part of her wanted to pull away even as she longed to be closer. Rationally, she knew that whatever had driven Drew to leave—to run—still remained unresolved between them, but for this moment, she was content to hold her. Drew was here; it was a start; and she had been so lonely for so long.
She let her heart have its way and tightened her hold, relishing the tight fit of Drew’s thigh between her own, the curve of Drew’s breasts against hers, the answering surge of hips. “It’s okay. You came back.”
Drew rewarded her with another deep groan and brought her hands to Sean’s face. Tenderly, Drew cupped Sean’s jaw and turned her face for another long, searching kiss. “Thank you,” she whispered a moment later when their lips parted.
Sean barely heard her. Her body was still too unused to the physical response Drew evoked, and she already was nearly beyond thought. Dimly, she wondered if she had reverted to adolescence, because she’d never been so easily aroused before. The insistent pounding between her thighs made it impossible for her to think.
“How important is this Aikido thing?” Sean muttered, running her hands over Drew’s shoulders toward her breasts. She rocked her pelvis against Drew’s iron hard thigh and whimpered at the pressure transmitted to her throbbing clitoris. “Oh...God.”
“Pretty important,” Drew mumbled as she sucked at a nipple through the fabric of Sean’s T-shirt. She bit the taut nub gently before she brushed her cheek across the firm breast. “I’m one of the guest demonstrators.”
“Say it...isn’t so,” Sean gasped, one hand under Drew’s shirt.
“Is...so...” Drew clenched her teeth and ignored the swift stab of pleasure that streaked through her belly as Sean fondled her. She insinuated one hand between their bodies, pressing Sean’s abdomen, then pushing lower until her fingers were under the waistband of Sean’s chinos.
“Stop.” Sean grasped the hand that explored her, nearly sobbing. “Any more and I won’t be able to stop. Please Drew—it’s been so long. I’m too excited already.”
So long. God, so very long. Drew moaned, her face buried in Sean’s hair. “I missed you so much.”
“Damn you, Drew.” Sean took a deep breath, struggling to clear her head and control her runaway body. “Your timing is terrible.”
“I know. I’ll make it up to you,” Drew said, meaning more than just this interruption.
“Nothing to make up for.” Sean shook her head as she reluctantly withdrew her hand from beneath Drew’s T-shirt. She stroked the sculpted jaw with her fingertips. “I know you didn’t mean to hurt me. We’ll...work it out. We have time.”
Drew searched the deep green eyes softened by passion and felt welcomed. There were promises there, promises she was afraid to hear—or to make. She had been managing moment to moment for so long that the concept of a future was foreign to her. But when she looked at Sean, felt her in her arms, a tiny flicker of hope stirred. With tremendous effort, she pulled away from Sean and said halfheartedly, “We’d better go then. I’m not sure how long I can keep from touching you.”
“I’m about to go begging,” Sean admitted with a shaky laugh. “Come on.” She took Drew’s hand and led her resolutely through the house, knowing that if she looked back, they would not leave that day.
*
For two hours that felt like only a few minutes, Sean sat mesmerized on the bleachers facing the exhibition area, marveling at the fluid grace of the assembled Aikidoka. The circular flowing defensive blocks and large forceful throws reminded her of a powerful dance. And watching Drew after the long weeks of absence was intoxicating. She had forgotten how imposing she was, tiger-like in her fierceness and strength, agile and quick in her movements. Sean was a little disappointed when the program ended, because she so infrequently had the chance to really watch Drew, and she had been enjoying herself.
She waved happily when Drew turned and sought her out, grinning. After Drew folded her hakama, the long black over-trousers that symbolized a high-ranking Aikido practitioner, she left the mat area and climbed up into the stands to join Sean.
“What did you think?”
“I really enjoyed it. It was beautiful,” Sean pronounced as Drew sat down. You were beautiful.
Drew grinned again. “I’m glad you came.” She gazed away for a moment, then continued hesitantly. “It’s almost six o’clock. Would you like to stop somewhere on the way back and have dinner?”
When Sean hesitated, Drew said quickly, “Look, never mind. I didn’t mean to put you on the spot...I’ll just take you hom—”
“That’s not it.”
“Then what’s wrong?” Drew asked quietly. She doesn’t trust you, you idiot. Why should she? You walked out on her once already.
“Absolutely nothing. It’s just that...”
“I know I screwed up before.” Drew reached for Sean’s hand and cradled it on her thigh. “But I want to make it up to you. It was so bad when I was gone—I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep—Jesus, all I could do was think about you. I need to...see you.”
“I’m not too good at hiding my feelings, Drew.” Sean pressed a little closer to Drew until their thighs and shoulders touched. She was completely oblivious to the people leaving, some of whom called goodnight to Drew as they passed. “I can’t possibly go to dinner with you, because—”
Here it comes! Drew stiffened, steeling herself for the words that were next. Because you walked out on me. Because you used me to ease your pain and left me without a word. Because you’re a selfish bastard and you don’t deserve me.
“Hey.” Sean sensed Drew’s withdrawal and took her chin in one hand, forcing Drew to meet her eyes. “Are you listening to me, tough guy?”
Drew nodded, falling into the soothing green depths. Faintly, she whispered, “Yes.”
“I can’t possibly go to dinner with you, because I wouldn’t be able to eat. What I want is to be in bed with you.” Sean searched Drew’s face. “Is that a possibility?”
Drew took a deep breath, feeling the fist of anxiety in her chest loosen. “Are you sure?”
“It’s the only thing I’m absolutely sure of right now. We can eat later...we can talk later. We will talk later. Right now, I’m dying to touch you.”
“Let’s go,” Drew growled, grabbing her gear bag and keys.
Neither said a word on the ride to Sean’s house, but the pounding of their hearts was audible to them both.
*
Drew lay still, staring at the shadows flickering on the ceiling. Sean was lying against her, one leg thrown across Drew’s thighs, a graceful arm curled across Drew’s chest, holding
her possessively. Drew tried not to think about what she was doing because, when she did, her immediate reaction was still to flee. Allowing herself to feel her impossible need for the woman who lay beside her, she panicked.
Never had she wanted this to happen—never, never again. And, yet, here she was, because she had let her senses rule her. She’d given in to her desires and had accepted Sean’s comfort, body and soul. And now, she didn’t think she could stop. Was it fair to Sean? No. Selfish? Yes. Madness? Most definitely. And yet here she was, and for now, at least, she could not bring herself to leave.
She shifted slowly, not wanting to awaken Sean. Her movement brought a slight protest from the sleeping woman, and the arm around her tightened.
“You’re not leaving, are you?” came the sleepy voice.
“It’s late,” Drew murmured, pressing her lips to Sean’s forehead.
“So? Do you have an appointment?”
“I...” Drew hesitated, reluctant to give in—afraid to give in. I could so easily get used to this. I want you to keep holding me. You chase the demons away.
“Drew,” Sean said quietly, fully awake now. “I want you to stay. I want you to be here in the morning.”
Drew turned so that the length of their naked bodies touched, slid one arm under Sean’s head, and cradled it against her shoulder. “You make things so easy—and so difficult.”
“If you need to leave, it’s okay. Just promise you’ll come back.” Sean traced her fingers over the sharp cheekbones, along the strong jaw. “I won’t be able to stand it if you go away again.”
“I won’t.”
“Why did you leave?”
Drew was silent, warring with herself, struggling to put words to feelings she was barely able to face. “I...I was scared.”
Sean pressed her lips to Drew’s shoulder in the faint hollow beneath her collarbone. “Of what?”
“Of how much I wanted you. How much I...needed you.”
“Why does that scare you?” Sean spoke quietly; she could feel Drew’s whole body tremble.