by Radclyffe
“I could get awfully used to how good you make me feel.”
“Would that be so bad?” Sean asked, her lips brushing Drew’s.
“It would be if...you left.”
Sean was startled. “Why would I do that?”
“You don’t know me, Sean. When you do, you might decide you don’t want...this.”
“You might, too,” Sean reminded her. The thought made her stomach twist.
“No. I don’t think so.”
“I know more about you than you might think, tough guy. I know you’re gentle and strong and brave.”
“Oh, baby, I’m not, don’t you see?”
There was a desperate edge in Drew’s voice, and she shook more violently now. Recognizing the signs of panic, Sean stroked her chest soothingly. “It’s okay. It’s okay. We’ll talk; we’ll learn. It’s okay, sweetheart.”
“God,” Drew moaned, pressing her face to Sean’s neck. “I don’t want to hurt you.” Ever.
“You won’t if you don’t shut me out.”
“I’ll try, baby. It’s so hard.”
“I know,” Sean crooned, although she didn’t. But she’d traveled enough dark roads with her clients to know that it would take more than one night and one conversation to banish these fears. “I know.”
“I want to stay tonight,” Drew managed, wrapping an arm around Sean’s waist and pulling her close.
Sean insinuated her leg between Drew’s and rocked her hips, thrilling to Drew’s sharp intake of breath as she slid her leg back and forth with each thrust. “Yeah?”
“Oh...yeah.”
“How come?” Sean asked languidly. She ran her palm over Drew’s chest, across one nipple, and down her tense abdomen. Drew’s hips jerked.
“Oh,” Drew gasped, her fingers tightening on Sean’s body. “Because you...” Her voice trailed off as Sean slid her hand lower, reaching between Drew’s legs.
“Because I what?” Sean murmured, fingers lightly teasing. Her own breathing had gotten fast and shallow.
“You...oh...”
“What?”
“I...ah...there...”
“I...what? Tell me,” Sean insisted, her strokes escalating until Drew’s hips rolled with each movement of her hand. The clitoris beneath her fingertips swelled precipitously and grew impossibly hard.
“Come on, tough guy,” Sean whispered huskily against Drew’s ear. “Tell me.”
“Can’t,” Drew gasped. “Baby, I’m gonna—”
“Are you?” Sean breathed against Drew’s mouth now, her fingers dancing rapidly. “Are you...now?”
“Yes,” Drew cried, arching her back, groaning with each pulsation.
Sean held the gasping woman in her arms, smiling with satisfaction before she closed her eyes and fell back to sleep.
*
It was just light when Drew slipped out of bed, pulled on her clothes, and made her way down to the kitchen. Miraculously, she found a pot of hot coffee on the burner and helped herself. Leaning on the counter and sipping the steaming brew, she glanced idly out the window. She stiffened when she saw a figure on the terrace.
When she recognized the woman perched on top of the stone wall, she grabbed her jacket along with a fleece jersey from a peg next to the door and walked outside. “You’re gonna freeze,” she called softly.
Ellen looked over her shoulder and beckoned to Drew. “Come on over.”
Drew handed her the pullover, set her coffee down while she slipped into her own jacket, and climbed up onto the wall. “It’s almost Thanksgiving, Ellen—jacket weather. What are you doing out here?”
“Keeping company with my guilt.” She pulled on the jersey. “Thanks. You, too?”
Drew grimaced. “How did you know?”
“It’s my job to know these things, remember?” Ellen shrugged. “We shrinks are oh-so-perceptive.”
Drew thought she understood the bitter undertones in Ellen’s voice. Wordlessly, she sipped the strong coffee, welcoming its warmth in the chill November air.
“Susan told me you were back in town,” Ellen said. “I guess since it’s 7:00 in the morning, you spent the night?”
“Yes.” Drew looked out across the lawn. “How long have you and Susan been back together?”
“A couple of days.”
“Good for you.”
“Lucky for me.” Ellen breathed deeply, remembering how damned scared she’d been standing on the porch earlier in the week, wondering if Susan would tell her to go to hell and slam the door in her face or let her inside. “Jesus, I must have been out of mind.”
“I know that feeling.”
“We’ve given them hell, haven’t we?” Ellen remarked.
“Yes,” Drew conceded. “How’s Susan?”
“She’s deeply hurt and frightened. And struggling to make sense of something I should have known better than to do.” Ellen worried at the seam of her jeans aimlessly. “She’s picking up the pieces after a three-week binge that I was the cause of. The hardest part of it all is that she’s forgiven me.”
“Yes,” Drew acknowledged. “That makes you hate yourself, doesn’t it?”
Ellen nodded. “This is where I’m supposed to say we should forgive ourselves, or love ourselves, or some such palaver. But, frankly, I can’t do it. I’d rather someone take me out and beat me.”
Drew laughed grimly. “Maybe we can just sit here and beat each other.”
“Okay,” Ellen said. “You go first.”
Drew was silent for a long moment, and then she asked quietly, “Why’d you do it, Ellen? Susan so obviously worships you.”
“Ouch.” Ellen grimaced. “You’re good at this.” She took another deep breath, searching for honesty. “I was angry with her because she wouldn’t live with me and start a family—and frustrated that she wouldn’t leave Sean. I was jealous, and I felt unappreciated, and I didn’t have the guts to say so. I did it because I’m a coward. I didn’t put up a fight, I just ran to a convenient pair of arms.”
Ellen tossed the dregs of her coffee onto the ground. She looked at Drew and said, “Okay—my turn.”
“Shoot.”
“Sean is the kind of woman who holds the deepest part of herself back from everyone—except Susan,” Ellen stated. “For her to open up to you, to let you inside, is something close to a miracle. How could you abandon her? Walk out and let her believe that you didn’t care for her? She could bleed to death from a wound like that.”
Drew paled, staring at Ellen, absorbing her words the way she would absorb a blow, letting the pain of the truth pierce her. “Point and match to you.”
Ellen clearly saw the grief in Drew’s face, heard the sorrow in her voice. She had no doubt that Drew was an expert at swallowing her pain while it destroyed her inside.
“Not good enough, Drew. You have to say why.”
“I can’t.”
“Try—if not for yourself, then for Sean.”
Drew closed her eyes, her hands clenched at her sides. “I need her,” she whispered harshly, “and I don’t want to.” That was all she could manage.
“Need is part of love, Drew,” Ellen said gently, resting her fingers on Drew’s arm without realizing it. “It’s okay to need her.”
“Not like I need her,” Drew said sharply. “It feels like she’s my sanity. The world makes sense when I’m with her, and when I’m not, it’s like I...die.”
“Ah,” Ellen said, nodding in sympathy. “And Susan makes me feel more alive than I’ve ever felt, or ever could feel without her. So, we need them to make life worth living. Hard to admit, but apparently we’re just closet weaklings.”
Drew laughed. “I think you’re right there.”
“Let me share a secret with you, Drew. Loving women like us, with our flaws and our broken places, is what they need. We’re all here to help each other heal.”
I want to believe that. God, I want to believe it’s okay to love her. Tears shimmered on Drew’s golden lashes and finally fell, yea
rs in the waiting.
“Hey, come here.” Ellen reached for her instinctively, cradling Drew in the shelter of her arms.
“She deserves better than me.” Drew clung to Ellen’s solid presence. “Christ, I feel so selfish.”
“Oh, Drew,” Ellen murmured. “It’s not as selfish as you think. You’ve unlocked Sean’s heart—something no one else has ever been able to do. That’s a tremendous gift.”
Drew heard the words, not quite ready to believe them. Nevertheless, for the first time in years, she allowed someone to comfort her. She closed her eyes and let the pain wash through her, and slowly, she let some of it go.
Sean stood at the kitchen window, watching Ellen hold Drew as she cried. She couldn’t think of anyone she trusted more to care for her lover’s tender heart.
*
Sean waited until she saw Drew slowly pull away from Ellen’s embrace, then opened the door to the terrace and called, “You two planning on becoming seasonal ice sculptures?”
At the sound of Sean’s voice, Drew quickly brushed the last of the tears from her face and swiveled until she could look back at the house. Gaze settling on Sean, she smiled. “Hey.”
For a second, Sean forgot how to speak. Having Drew in her home was a new experience. In fact, having any lover in her home was. Somehow, the memories of being there with the man who had once been her husband seemed to have happened in a different lifetime, to a different woman. She supposed she should feel more disoriented as she looked at the woman who had changed not only her view of life but also her understanding of her innermost self. Looking at Drew, all she felt was wonder.
“Hey, yourself.”
Ellen slid down off the wall, patted Drew’s knee as if it were the most natural thing in the world, and sauntered across the terrace toward the house. When she drew abreast of Sean, she said sotto voce, “Guess you got lucky, huh?”
“Oh, yeah,” Sean said, her eyes never leaving Drew’s face. “Beyond lucky.”
Ellen hesitated for just a beat. “Everything okay?”
Sean’s voice was slightly husky as she replied, “Yes...everything is perfect.”
“Oh, Sean.” Ellen couldn’t help herself; she snorted with laughter. “Seeing you in love is a wonder to behold. It was definitely worth waiting for.”
“Yes, it most certainly was.” Finally, Sean pulled her eyes away from Drew and looked at her friend. “Things are going to be better now, right? For all of us?”
Solemnly, Ellen nodded. “I’m going upstairs right now to perform my daily ritual of getting on my knees in front of Susan and thanking her for giving me another chance.”
“I don’t really think she wants you to do that.”
“I know. But I need to do it.” With that, Ellen brushed past her and disappeared with the parting words, “Enjoy this time, sweetie. Unfortunately, honeymoons don’t last forever.”
Maybe they can. That’s what I want, isn’t it? But what about her?
“Good morning,” Sean said, suddenly feeling shy as Drew slowly approached. God, what now? How do I tell her I don’t want her to leave? Ever. Jesus, where did that just come from?
“Yeah,” Drew grinned, looking younger than Sean had ever seen her. “It is.”
At the sight of the light shining in Drew’s eyes, Sean’s churning insides immediately quieted, and she decided that maybe she didn’t have to think about, worry over, and analyze every single thing she said or did. At least for a while. “I ran into my sister upstairs. She and Ellen are going to New Hope later today—just to do the galleries and wander around the shops.”
“That’s nice.” Drew brushed an errant strand of dark hair off Sean’s cheek, and Sean fell suddenly silent, a slightly glazed look in her eyes. After a second, Drew raised an eyebrow. “Sean? You okay?”
“What? Oh...yes. Susan invited me...you...us to go along.”
“I’d like that.”
“You would?” Sean replied with surprised pleasure.
“Yeah,” Drew answered quietly, trying to recall the last time she had done anything that hadn’t been work or designed to keep her from thinking about anything. She couldn’t remember. “I would like that a lot.”
“Great,” Sean breathed as she realized they were still standing on the threshold with the door open. She grasped Drew’s arm and pulled her into the kitchen. “You want some breakfast?”
“Do you mind if I shower first?”
Impulsively, Sean responded, “Do you mind if I join you?”
Drew grinned. “Not in the least.”
*
Steam billowed, enclosing them in hazy clouds of mist. They stood close together as water sluiced over their heat-flushed skin, Sean’s hands on Drew’s waist, Drew’s fingertips lightly stroking Sean’s face.
“When I’m with you,” Drew whispered, gently threading her fingers through the wet tendrils of Sean’s dark hair, “I forget everything except how you make me feel.”
“As long as it’s a good feeling, I’m glad,” Sean murmured, her eyes closing as Drew caressed her neck.
“Oh, it’s very definitely good.” Drew bent her head as she tilted Sean’s face up to hers. You make everything right—in my body, in my heart.
The kiss was slow and deep, their tongues meeting in an intimate dance of exploration and seduction. As they lost themselves in the kiss, their bodies slowly fused, thigh meeting thigh, breasts pressing close. One of them moaned, a deep aching sound of want and wonder.
With her mouth still on Drew’s, Sean threaded her arms around the taller woman’s neck and leaned back against the shower wall, pulling her lover with her. Bracing her shoulders against the smooth tile, Sean sucked Drew’s lower lip between her teeth and then bit very gently. Distantly, she heard a gasp that was not pain, but pleasure, and felt Drew’s body stiffen. She licked at the tender spot, soothing it with her tongue until she felt Drew tremble. She wasn’t yet used to this physical language of love, never before having realized the power and delight of exciting anyone with her body. Feeling what her caresses did to her lover was even more stimulating than being touched herself.
Already thrumming with arousal, she sensed Drew holding back, allowing her to lead the way, letting her set the pace. Desire hammered through her bones and pulsed between her thighs, but she found that she enjoyed the unrequited torment, knowing that eventually it would end in ecstasy.
Surprising them both, Sean swiveled sharply, turning them until Drew’s back was to the wall and Sean pinned her there with the light pressure of her body resting along the length of Drew’s long form. Their mouths were still cleaved, the kiss growing hungrier with each passing second. Drew shuddered swiftly as if she were chilled, but the water beating around them was still steaming.
Sean lifted her lips from Drew’s and whispered, “Are you all right?”
“Yes,” Drew said hoarsely. “I...no one...what you do to me...”
“Is it okay?” Sean asked, concern surfacing through the haze of excitement that clouded every perception and made it nearly impossible for her to think. There had been something almost fearful in Drew’s voice.
“God, yes,” Drew groaned.
“I love to touch you.”
“Don’t stop, baby...please.”
“I won’t,” Sean soothed as Drew shuddered again. Be careful with her now. She’s so vulnerable like this.
Sean rested her forehead against Drew’s chest, breathing deeply while trying to settle the surging tide of lust that made her want things to which she couldn’t even put words. Forcing herself to move slowly, sensing Drew’s defenselessness, she leaned back far enough to slide both palms over Drew’s breasts, then grasped the hard, erect nipples between her fingers.
Drew arched from the wall, stunned by the swift stab of pleasure that tore through her. “Aah.”
“Easy, sweetheart, easy,” Sean breathed, before lowering her head to enclose one taut nipple in her mouth. Drew’s fingers came into her hair and pressed her face closer,
and it was Sean’s turn to moan. She might have stayed there indefinitely, caught between the exquisite sensation of feeling Drew’s breast between her lips and hearing the soft whimpers that each stroke of her tongue evoked, but eventually she became aware of hands gripping her shoulders in time to the urgent thrusting of Drew’s hips.
Releasing Drew’s breast, Sean looked up to see Drew’s head slowly twisting from side to side, her eyes closed, her expression one of intense arousal. The sounds escaping from her throat were supplicant cries of need.
“Oh, Drew,” Sean whispered, knowing she had never seen anything as beautiful. Reverently, she sank to her knees.
When Sean placed her palms flat against Drew’s thighs, Drew put her arms against the wall on either side of her body for support and moved her legs unsteadily apart. Glancing down, Drew saw Sean about to press her face between her legs, and she nearly came. Groaning, she choked out, “Please, baby.”
Sean ran her fingers through the soft water-soaked curls, opening the way, marveling at the perfection of each arousal-tinged fold. With her thumb, she pressed back the swollen hood, exposing the rigid clitoris beneath, and Drew jerked, crying out sharply at her touch.
“Beautiful,” Sean breathed, just before her lips followed where her eyes had feasted. With an almost painful sensation of awe, she explored with her lips and her tongue, wanting to calm every fear with the intensity of her touch. Her every sense was tuned to the subtle rhythms of muscles twitching and blood pulsing and the distant music of Drew’s shattered sobs. She felt the orgasm begin deep inside Drew’s body and rise to a peak between her lips. As Drew began her climax, Sean reached down and briefly brushed her fingers across her own aching flesh to join her.
“Hot water’s running out,” Drew finally observed weakly.
Sean remained on her knees, her face nestled against Drew’s belly, her heart still thudding erratically in her chest. “Uh-huh. We should probably get out. But I never want to move.”
“I don’t want you to, either.” Drew leaned over and slipped her hands beneath Sean’s arms, gently pulling her up and wrapping her in an almost desperate embrace. With her lips to Sean’s temple, she whispered, “You devastate me.”