Write This Book: A Do-It-Yourself Mystery (The Secret Series)

by Pseudonymous Bosch

  Of course, your villain might not be a bad guy in the conventional sense. Your villain might not be a guy at all, or even a gal. Your villain might be monster or mouse, vulture or virus, typhoid or typhoon. You might have an invisible villain or a silent villain. Sometimes the only villain in a book is inside the hero’s head. (Have you ever heard someone being described as his or her “own worst enemy”? People say that about me all the time.) But whether your villain is real or imaginary, the same rules apply. Say your villain is the little devil whispering in your hero’s ear: ask yourself what makes the devil’s voice so much more seductive than the angel whispering on the other side.

  Who, then, is your villain?

  NOIR:

  A MASTER MAGICIAN

  Attention, criminals, or, er, crime writers. In classic crime novels, villains usually fall into certain types. Two of the most common are the Mr. Big character and the femme fatale. Mr. Big is the behind-the-scenes guy who’s calling the shots—ordering assassinations and robberies but rarely getting his own hands dirty. Sometimes he’ll seem jovial and avuncular at first, maybe offer you a drink or a cigar (that is, if you happen to be a grown-up and living inside an old black-and-white movie). Only at the end do we recognize how ruthless he really is. Likewise, the femme fatale usually enters the story as a victim, not a villain. She plays upon your sympathies and manipulates you into doing her bidding. By the time you realize you’ve been duped, it’s too late.

  I don’t recommend you model your villain after either of these types, which, after all, are not just types but that awful thing: stereotypes. I would go with a more original choice. One of your street magicians, maybe—the sneakiest, smartest, and most talented of the bunch—now off the street and operating his crime ring out of the back of that closed theater. The master magician as master criminal. And if a little Mr. Big slips into his character, you can always tell yourself he’s not a stereotype but an archetype. It sounds much more dignified.*

  As for the missing glove, naturally he pretends that it is only a magician’s glove and not a sign that he is part of the Evening Sun. Do you believe him? I don’t.

  FANTASY:

  A HEADSTRONG DRAGON

  Fantasists, the characteristics of your alternate universe will most likely determine the character of your villain. If your universe is populated by talking turnips, then your villain may well be a rutabaga. Then again, if your book’s alternate universe is more like the one we know in “real life,” then your villain should likewise be more familiar—maybe uncannily familiar. Indeed, if you’re writing about a so-called parallel universe, the villain might be the alter ego of the hero, an alternate self.

  Of course, if your universe is an utterly fantastical place—as I think your under-land wonderland is—then there is no limit to the form your villain might take. But here again I find that stereotypes often prevail. Why are dragons always so wise? Why are giants always so gentle? Why do so many fantasy characters have names that sound like herbs and not people? (Yes, Eragon, I’m thinking of you.) And why are so many fantasy villains either fiery sorcerers who blacken the world with soot or ice-queen witches who blanket the world with snow?

  Your fantasy villain is a cave-dweller, is he not? Then a dragon may be the way to go. Just not a wise dragon, please. Make him rash and headstrong instead. What he’s doing wearing a glove with those talons is a mystery to me. Unless the original wearer of the glove is somewhere inside him.

  GOTHIC:

  AN ALPHA WOLF

  Goths, you have an embarrassment of riches when it comes to villains. Not just werewolves but ghosts, witches, vampires (please not the sparkly kind!). They’re all yours. Although again, you should watch out for stereotypes. What about a vampire who passes out at the sight of blood? Or a witch who’s terrible at spelling? Or a ghost who’s afraid of the dark?

  I mentioned werewolves first because, as you know, we’ve already included a were-animal—the Were-Hare. He could be your villain, I suppose. For all we know, he’s coming after A____ and Z____ already, bent on revenging himself and retrieving his lost tooth. But there could also be a nastier creature: an alpha werewolf who rules the castle as an evil lord by day and haunts the woods on four feet at night.

  In the case of the werewolf, a dropped glove is easy to explain; it falls off every time his hand turns into a paw.

  MWAHAHA:

  BUILD YOUR VILLAIN HERE

  EVIL MASTER PLAN:

  world domination

  theft of priceless diamond

  to cheat on history final

  to go to Mardi Gras while grounded

  to be voted most popular

  life without parental restrictions

  other _________________

  TRADEMARK:

  twirling mustache

  eye patch

  evil cackle

  peg leg

  lip balm

  fabulous hair

  other _________________

  SIDEKICK:

  parrot on shoulder

  lapdog

  drooling, one-eyed ogre

  vacuous beautiful person

  other ______________

  POWERS:

  turns people to ice or stone with a glance

  necromancer, commands army of zombies

  12 volts

  killer smile

  morphs into dragon

  excellent hopscotch player

  other _______________

  BACKSTORY:

  was unloved as a child and therefore hates everyone

  was unloved as a child and therefore insists on being loved by everyone

  was killed many years ago yet refuses to stay dead (and was unloved as a child)

  was hatched out of an egg (and was unloved as a child)

  other _________________________ (and was unloved as a child)

  Pseudo-intelligence:

  How to introduce your villain

  Sometimes a villain doesn’t appear until late in a story; in earlier parts the villain is only hinted about or indirectly revealed through his actions. In The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings, for example, you hear about the terrible doings of the Dark Lord long before you meet him in person (if person is the right word for the living embodiment of evil). Other times, you might have a fleeting encounter with a villain at the outset of a novel, perhaps in the guise of a seemingly innocent stranger whose villainy you don’t suspect until later—much in the way that someone who meets Bruce Wayne at a party wouldn’t suspect he was Batman. In still other cases, somebody your hero sees every day might turn out to be the villain. Even the narrator of a book can turn out to be a villain. Certainly, I’ve been accused of being a villain more than once. The only rule most people would ascribe to is that your villain must be introduced—or at least mentioned—before the end of your book; it is considered bad form to throw in a villain from outside your book at the last minute simply because you need one.

  The Case of the Missing Author

  Chapter 9

  INSERT CHAPTER TITLE HERE

  In which your heroes meet your villain.

  The Climax

  By now your readers should be gnawing their fingernails and staying up all night with a flashlight, intent on finishing your book. Me, I’m much too old and sleepy to stay awake. If your readers need the rest of the story right away, you’ll have to tell the story all by yourself.

  Here’s what should happen next:

  PRISONERS!

  Although they intended to rescue a hostage (I.B.), A____ and Z____ have become hostages themselves.

  They must now face their greatest fears (see profiles again). Model yourself on the meanest substitute teacher you’ve ever had, and torture your characters as much as possible. If they are claustrophobic, you, the author, must put them in tiny cells where there is no room to stand. If they are afraid of heights, tie them to the top of a tower. If they have a morbid fear of snakes… well, you get the idea.

  Mustering all their cour
age and ingenuity, your heroes must overcome their fears and break out of their prison. How? They can’t do it alone. But they can do it with the help of—drumroll, please… SUPERBUNNY!

  What’s that, reader? You think a rabbit superhero is an unlikely addition to our story? Well, then I guess you’ve never met MY rabbit!*

  THE ESCAPE

  Once released from their holding cell (thank you, Superbunny!), your heroes use their detective skills and locate the back room/inner cave/dungeon where I.B. is being held captive. With a little bit of luck and more than a little ingenuity (but no bloodshed, please; remember, this is a kids’ book!), they avoid being seen and they manage to get inside. There they find a man tied to a chair with his face covered by a hood. I.B.! He doesn’t respond to their whispered greeting. Is his mouth gagged? Is he unconscious? Together, A____ and Z____ yank off the hood, revealing…

  THE TWIST

  Rufus! The explanation: Rufus himself was searching for I.B. all along. That was why he wanted the gold coin/key/tooth. Alas, he got caught by the villainous magician/dragon/werewolf, just as A____ and Z____ did.

  A further twist? Rufus is the X-fan—their first suspect. (How this squares with his identity in the crime world vs. fantasy world vs. gothic world, I leave to you.) He never wanted to hurt I.B., only to push him to write a sixth book. When he discovered I.B. was missing, he, like A____ and Z____, embarked on a mission to find him.

  What do your heroes do with Rufus? You decide, but I think they would taunt him a little bit (he did ditch them, after all) and demand that he return their gold object before they set him free. Together, they all escape. But not without a few hair-raising moments.

  Pseudo-intelligence:

  Do the twist

  No, not the dance. I’m talking plot twist. You can’t have too many twists. Everybody loves a twist.

  Famous twists:

  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

  Sorry, I didn’t want to spoil any of them.

  Climax: Defusing the bomb

  Now what was your ticking clock? If your heroes’ only fear was that I.B. was about to be killed, then it seems your climactic moment has already occurred—and you should beef up the previous section accordingly. (What was the ax that was about to come down on Rufus’s neck? How did A____ and Z____ stop it?) If your ticking clock was something else—say, an actual bomb set to explode—now is the time to defuse the bomb.

  This should be the white-knuckle moment of white-knuckle moments. Let it go down to the wire. All is about to be lost. Your heroes succeed at the very last second. Thankfully, A____ and Z____ now have Rufus to help them. They flee just in time while behind them the villain’s theater/cave/castle redoubt is engulfed in flames or collapses on itself or crumbles to the ground….

  The end? Not quite.

  WRITE THIS:

  I’m not going to repeat myself anymore. Just write it below.

  The Case of the Missing Author

  Chapter 10

  INSERT CHAPTER TITLE HERE

  In which A____ and Z____ escape and find the place where they believe I.B. is being held—only to discover that the prisoner is Rufus.

  (Ending a book is often the hardest part.

  I recommend avoiding it as long as possible.)

  GO BACK TO FIRST

  PROCRASTINATION PAGE.

  REPEAT.

  THEN WORK YOUR WAY THROUGH

  ALL PROCRASTINATION PAGES.

  Coming Home

  A____ and Z____ are now bona fide heroes, and yet they are no closer to achieving their goal. Where is I.B.? Wherever he is, they appear not to have helped him at all.

  WRITE THIS:

  With or without the help of Rufus, your heroes have to navigate their way home—and then decide what, if anything, to do about finding the missing author. I’ll make you a deal: if you get them home, I’ll take over the book again from there. Just tap me on the shoulder when you’re done, and I’ll see if I can manage a few more paragraphs.

  The Case of the Missing Author

  Chapter 11

  INSERT CHAPTER TITLE HERE

  In which A____ and Z____ fight their way out with Rufus, then find their way home.

  The End—P.B.’s Version

  The Case of the Missing Author

  Chapter 12

  INSERT CHAPTER TITLE HERE

  (P.B.’s version)

  Two days later…

  A____ didn’t think about the ______ coming out of I.B.’s chimney until she was already walking back into her house with the day’s mail under her arm.

  Suddenly, she realized what it meant.

  “Z____!” she shouted, dropping the mail on the floor. “He’s back—or somebody is!”

  This time they didn’t hesitate. They ran across the street and pounded on I.B.’s door.

  A muffled voice came from inside. “Hold on—I’m coming!”

  Their neighbor opened the door after about a minute and a half. He was wearing pajamas, and his hair was standing on end. His cat protectively circled his feet.

  “Oh, it’s you guys,” said I.B., as if they’d known each other for years. “What’s the emergency?”

  “We should ask you that,” said A____.

  “What do you mean? Everything’s fine here.”

  Z____ looked at the author suspiciously. “So then… you’re OK?”

  “Why shouldn’t I be? By the way, did you feed the cat like I asked?” He frowned. “He seemed very hungry when I got home.”

  “The cat? What about you?” protested A____. “We read your note. We thought you needed our help. We went all the way—”

  “We went all the way to the Other Side,” said Z____, finishing his sister’s sentence. “We looked all over for you—”

  I.B. clapped his hands. “Oh, good. I was hoping you would. What was it like? You have to come in and tell me everything.”

  “I don’t understand—did you want our help or not?” asked Z____, not moving.

  “I absolutely did. I still do,” said I.B. indignantly. “And it sounds as if you have plenty of material for me to write.”

  “To write?” echoed A____ in surprise.

  “Of course. What did you think I needed help with?”

  “You wanted us to help write your book?” Z____ spat out. “That’s why we let ourselves get messed up with the Evening Sun?”

  “Well, yes…”

  “You mean you weren’t really in trouble?!” asked A____, disbelieving.

  “Oh, I was. I am. Big trouble. The book is way overdue and, well, I can’t thank you enough—”

  A____ and Z____ looked at each other, trying to absorb what the older author was saying.

  “But what about what I heard that other night? The laugh and cry and thud?” asked Z____. “You didn’t get hurt? They didn’t kidnap you?”

  I.B. laughed. “Well, I might have hurt my foot when I threw my notebook to the floor…. I was just laughing and crying in despair. Wretched writer’s block—it makes me scream every day! Afterward, I went for a walk to clear my head.”

  “And then you planned it all so we would figure out your story for you.”

  “Well, I didn’t plan it all,” said the author modestly. “There was a little luck involved.”

  “So everything we saw and did—saving Rufus—that’s all going to go in your book?”

  “Oh, that worked, did it?”

  “What about everything we saw on the Other Side? Was nothing real?”

  “Depends what you mean by that.”

  “What if we don’t tell you our story?”

  “Well, I guess you don’t have to. But then you wouldn’t get the prize,” I.B. added nonchalantly.

  “What prize?”

  “Oh, just membership in the Cester Society…”

  Z____’s eyes widened. “Let me get this straight—if we help you write your book, we can be members of th
e Cester Society?”

  “Well, honorary members, anyway.”

  “It’s like our payment?”

  “Well, I wouldn’t put it so baldly. You make it sound so crass. Like quid pro quo—”

  “Wait, we need to talk about it for a second—privately.”

  I.B. shrugged. The siblings stepped away from his door and heatedly whispered to each other. After a moment, they turned back to I.B. They’d made their decision.

  To be continued…

  Oh, so you didn’t like that ending, either? Well, that must mean this is a good book, then. As a brilliant and distinguished author (OK, it was me) once said, “Only bad books have good endings. If a book is any good, you don’t want it to end.” To that end, you can keep this book going for as long as you like.

  And, who knows, there just might be a membership in a certain secret organization waiting for you… on the other side.

  WRITE THIS:

  Write your own ending—or endings—here. Attach extra pages as necessary.

  The Case of the Missing Author

  Ending

  INSERT CHAPTER TITLE HERE