Stand By Your Hitman

by Leslie Langtry

  When it was my turn, they took me off to the ocean and asked me to sit waist deep in the water and talk about the show so far. I hate staged photos. You know how the newspapers do it, right? The guy who woke up to find a bullet hole in his car is usually standing there, staring through the stupid hole, looking all serious. That is so stupid.

  But I sat there, in the water, in my swimsuit, not knowing what to say.

  “Just tell us what your strategy is for winning the game,” Ernie begged.

  I shrugged. I mean, I could hardly say that my game was over once I killed Isaac and that my goal was to be naked in a hammock with Lex, drinking margaritas, now, could I?

  My hand went up to the piranha teeth and so I said the only thing I could think of.

  “I named the fish Bob. He was okay. I figure I just moved too fast on that last pearl grab and it startled him. I mean, he’s just hanging out in the completely murky depths of a plastic pond and wondering what the hell is going on, right? I still feel sorry for him. Gloria up at the spa made this necklace for me. I guess I’ll always have a piece of him.”

  It was kind of like having an out-of-body experience. Why couldn’t I just shut up? No. I had to keep going on about some dead piranha like an idiot to a cameraman who’d recently seen me tell monkeys that I love them.

  As we walked back to the group, I realized that I was the fish out of water here, not Bob. If only the Council had selected my cousin Dak, or Gin. They’d have been ten times better than me.

  “Let’s go!” Cricket called. She looked like she was badly in need of a clipboard.

  “About goddamned time!” Sami grumbled.

  Isaac took the map and the lead, with Lex and me trailing behind him. I was torn between studying my Vic and flirting with my new boyfriend-who-didn’t-know-he-was-my-boyfriend.

  “So, what do you think, Missi?” I realized Lex was saying something to me very quietly.

  “Huh?”

  “About the alliance? You, me, Sami and Isaac?” He looked a little frustrated.

  “Oh. Yeah. Sure.”

  Isaac looked back at me and winked and I smiled involuntarily. This was getting worse. And I had no idea how to fix it.

  According to his dossier, Isaac was a bad man. A cold-blooded killer. But my gut was telling me that he was one of the good guys. What the hell was going on here?

  “I’ll fill Sami in after the challenge,” Lex said.

  The challenge. Right. I could figure out a solution after the challenge. After all, I was on a mission, and that mission involved staying on the show until I could off Vic. Isaac. Vissac. Hmmmm.

  My brain was exhausted by the time we came to the clearing where the immunity challenge was to take place. The protein bars were starting to kick in, and I could see the other team was struggling. It was highly likely they hadn’t had any food or water (or protein bars dropped from seventeen-year-old primates), so this looked to be fairly easy.

  “Welcome back,” our snarky host, Alan, said. I wondered if I could kill him instead. The whole show was a joke.

  “Listen!” Julie shrilled. Oh yeah. She was already dead to me.

  Alan continued, “This challenge is for immunity. The tribe that wins goes back to camp. The losing tribe will vote someone off tonight.”

  He pointed to the course and I started laughing. Did Mom set this up? It was an exact replica of the ropes course on Santa Muerta! How weird. Although I wouldn’t put anything past the Council—they wanted to ensure I’d get the job (the one I no longer wanted to do) done.

  “You’ll work as a team to get through each of the segments of the course. At the end, you’ll zip-line to the finish. The other team members can help, but the last one through the course has to fasten themself on to the zip line and join their team for the win.”

  Julie was glaring at me and I realized I was still laughing. I stopped and acted like I was paying attention as Alan went over each leg of the course.

  “What?” Isaac whispered.

  I leaned close so Julie wouldn’t get too pissed. “I’ve worked on a course exactly like this one. I know what we have to do.”

  Isaac grinned and nodded at Lex, who’d heard everything I’d said. Standing between them, I felt a little like a Missi sandwich. Kind of like a grilled cheese—all goey and warm. Or maybe like a Fluffernutter with peanut butter and Marsmallow Fluff. Or possibly like…

  “You have five minutes to discuss strategy with your teammates. When I blow this whistle, you can begin.” Alan smirked. I bet he really thought he had us this time.

  “Missi’s got a plan,” Lex was explaining to the group.

  I nodded. “I’ve worked on this exact same course many times before.” Images of helping my cousin Richie through the spider-web segment made me shudder involuntarily. “It’s pretty easy—there’s just a slight trick to each part. When we get the zip line, I’ll set it up and send everyone. Then I’ll go.”

  Cricket looked doubtful. What did I need to do to convince this bimbo, for crying out loud?

  “Trust me. I’ve done all of this before.” I’d barely finished when the whistle sounded, making me wonder if it really had been five minutes.

  As a team, we raced to the first challenge. Two sets of long two-by-fours with ropes attached lay at our feet. Working quickly, I lined the boards up parallel (parallelly?) and had each person stand in a line, one foot on each plank. I took the end and told everyone to bring the ropes up over their shoulders. I’d explained that we needed to walk as one group, kind of like a dyslexic centipede (actually, more like a dodecapede) across the course.

  I called out the directions as we went, telling the team which side to lift as we moved together. A quick glance over my shoulder told me the Inuit tribe was now copying our movements. That figured. They’d probably do that the whole way through.

  It only took a few minutes to get to the next challenge, with the other team close behind. Sami clapped me on the back, but there was no time for congratulations.

  The spider-web course would be a little harder. Basically, it consisted of ropes woven vertically between two posts, kind of like, well, a big spider web. But without the giant spider—although that would be really cool, wouldn’t it? The web had large and small holes peppered throughout, and knots that could piss off the saltiest sailor.

  The goal was to get everyone through it without touching the ropes. This might sound easy, but the web started four feet off the ground. And, you could use each hole (there were six) only once.

  “I’ve done this one before—at camp,” Cricket said slowly. I could tell that she wasn’t completely convinced that it would be easier with adults than with nimble, elastic kids.

  “Good. You first,” I answered. It would help to have someone who’d done this on the other side.

  With a quick nod, Cricket leapt headfirst through one of the smaller loops, ending in a beautiful dive roll on the other side. My jaw dropped.

  “Well, Holy Shit,” Sami said. Somehow, I knew she was capitalizing her words as she swore.

  I pointed to Lex. “You next. We’ll need some brawn on the other side to help some of us across.”

  Lex sized up the web. He was the biggest of all of us. Not because he was fat or anything—he was compact, but muscular. The center hole was the obvious choice for him, but I wanted to save it for the end since it was the easiest.

  Isaac pulled Silas over to the web and the two put their knees together, thighs bent, for Lex to use to climb. With a nod, he stood on their legs (looking a little like a transvestite cheerleader) and hurled himself through the second-largest loop to the other side. Lex landed with a thud, but stood up to reveal he was okay. And he hadn’t touched the ropes.

  I thought about my options. Sami and Silas were pretty wiry. It wouldn’t be hard to get them through. Isaac again seemed to read my mind. He told Silas to make himself as stiff as a board. Ooh! Remember that from slumber parties—stiff as a board, light as a feather?

  I dragged my bra
in back to the task at hand. Isaac, Sami and I then lifted him and fed him through one of the loops to Lex and Cricket on the other side. We did the same thing with Sami. It was much easier. She must’ve weighed just under one hundred pounds.

  Now we just had Isaac and me left. Isaac was in really good shape, and I was struggling to figure out who should go next. I heard Julie yelling at the Inuit tribe. Apparently they’d touched one of the ropes and had to do it all over. I didn’t even look, not wanting to break concentration. We had more time now, but what would be the best way to do it?

  “I could boost you through the middle,” Isaac suggested.

  I shook my head. “No. You need to go next. The last person should be the smaller of the two.”

  There were only two holes left we hadn’t used. The large one in the middle would easily accommodate Isaac’s frame, but that would leave me with the smaller one, which was also about five feet off the ground. Getting Isaac through that one would be more of a challenge, but if we did it, I could take a running high jump to get through the larger, center hole.

  I walked up to the web and got down on my hands and knees.

  “Climb on my back,” I said. “The others will help you through.”

  “No. There has to be another way.”

  “There isn’t any other way. I need to jump through the center hole. I need the extra clearance. Go ahead and climb on my back. The other side will get you through and down.”

  Lex looked doubtful this time, but Cricket took up the charge.

  “Get on Missi’s back. Step through with your right leg. Back through it scrunching up your body as you go. We’ll hold you and pull your left leg through last.”

  She was right. That was it exactly. I braced myself and nodded to Isaac.

  He stood gingerly on my back and I tried to imagine that my spine was made of cement. It hurt. Isaac was heavy and I don’t think I’ve ever had a man stand on my back before. My fists and feet dug into the dirt and I tried to keep silent. If I flinched or groaned, I was pretty sure Isaac would stop.

  I felt him lift his right leg and he wobbled as he tried to thread it through the hole.

  “We’ve got you,” Silas encouraged. Was he actually being supportive? Maybe my suffering impressed him.

  Isaac’s weight shifted as he tried to keep himself steady. My back felt like it was in a vise. My shoulders and legs were starting to tremble, but I said nothing. It seemed like hours before he lifted off me completely, and I waited in that position to make sure he didn’t need to step back on me.

  “It’s okay, Missi. We did it,” Lex’s deep voice murmured. I slowly started to straighten out. My muscles were screaming. I knew I had to do a couple of stretches before making my way through the web.

  As I stood, I fought to keep a grimace off my face. Isaac looked so worried and I didn’t want to upset him. It occurred to me that this was unusual behavior for an assassin toward her Vic.

  There was no time to dwell on it. There was no guarantee I could jump high enough to get through that hole. What would MacGyver do? I thought about that a lot. He was kind of my hero. Of course, he’d create a ramp using hairspray, a toothpick and homemade cement. Hmmm. I had an idea.

  There were five large rocks in a decorative pile a few yards off to my left. I dragged two over to the front of the web. Then I grabbed the two planks from the previous challenge and propped them up on the rocks. Two more rocks secured the planks at my end. See where I’m going with this?

  I walked back about five feet, then ran up the makeshift platform and launched myself through the center hole. It felt like I was soaring through mud and I became aware of every inch of my skin as I passed through the large loop. My arms were extended in front of me, and for a moment I thought I must look a little like Superman. Well, Superman with boobs, that is.

  My hands hit the dirt, followed ungracefully by my head, as I watched my toes clear the hole.

  “You did it!” Lex cried as he and Isaac hauled me to my feet. I thought somewhere in the distance I heard someone say, “Way to go, Mom!” but I couldn’t be sure. I may have been hallucinating.

  “No time for champagne,” I said as I raced to the zip line.

  Cricket and I climbed into our harnesses, instructing the others to do the same.

  “No helmets?” Cricket gasped. She was right. Safety obviously wasn’t a concern on this show. Bastards. At least she seemed to have some experience with the zip line.

  I hooked the pulley up to the line and safety line. Cricket set up the lanyard and carabiners, securing them to Silas’s belay. Before he had any idea what was happening (and I guessed before he had the opportunity to protest), we hurled him off the platform. I must say I’d never heard a man scream like that.

  “Good job,” I said to Cricket and she nodded.

  Sami went next, and at the end of the line I saw her and Silas struggling to get out of their harnesses. The other team was having a hard time figuring out how everything worked. And for a moment I panicked. People have died on these things. You had to get the combination exactly right. What was this stupid production company thinking?

  Lex went through, and then I sent Cricket. Over on the other platform, it looked like they had the first person, Kit, ready to go. Unfortunately, they’d done it all wrong and in a matter of minutes the girl was about to fall twenty feet to her death.

  Isaac was standing in front of me on the platform, grinning. It occurred to me that I could take care of him right there and then. All I’d have to do was mess with the carabiners and he’d plummet to his death.

  “Are you okay?” Isaac asked.

  I realized I was stalling. The job could be over and I could go home. The idea pounded in my brain as I held his fate, quite literally, in my hands. Isaac smiled at me and my stomach turned inside out. I couldn’t do it. Quickly I secured him, then sent him safely to the other side of the line.

  Something snapped as I saw that the other team was about to inadvertently kill one of their own. I leaped over the edge of our platform and ran toward Inuit, waving my arms and yelling, “Wait!” I climbed the steps two at a time and in a few moments had completely reorganized their zip-line system. I sent Kit and she rode the line to the end in silence. After sending two more of their team members safely, I realized what I was doing.

  “Do it just as I did!” I shouted as I raced back to my platform. I avoided eye contact with my tribe—who remained strangely silent. I clicked the second carabiner into place and stepped off the platform.

  Shit. I’d forgotten to release the safety line! I was just dangling in midair a foot away from the platform. A quick glance at the other team told me the last person was getting ready to go. If they won, I’d have blown it big time.

  Reaching up for the line, I scrambled to get my feet back on the platform. I managed to lessen the tension just enough to unhook the carabiner and slid to the ground on the other side.

  “Ottawa wins!” Alan shouted and I collapsed to the ground. It was over. After a few moments, I opened my eyes and saw a variety of emotions on the faces of my teammates. I couldn’t tell if they thought I’d behaved nobly or idiotically, and I didn’t care. We’d won and everyone survived. Literally.

  Chapter Thirteen

  If I ran for a position of leadership in this town, my platform would be “A howler monkey in every home,” because nothing says community like a whole mess of howler monkeys.

  —Todd Welvaert, journalist

  Back at camp, I found myself at the mango tree talking to myself. “Dammit. I choked. I froze. What the hell?” I repeated this over and over, like some twisted meditation.

  “Mom.” Jackson’s voice came from above.

  After looking around to see if any of the camera crew was there, I looked up.

  “Hey, kids.” I didn’t feel much like chastising them. I was too happy to see someone I knew…someone who I knew loved and supported me.

  “We saw what happened,” Monty said quietly. “It’s ok
ay.”

  “Yeah,” Jack piped up. “It can’t be easy to take Vic out when he’s a friend.”

  I shook my head. “I’m pretty sure I can’t do it at all, guys.”

  “It’s okay.” Jack unfolded himself so his red hair hung upside down. “We’re going to help you.”

  Monty appeared beside his brother. “Don’t do anything until we can think of something.” I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little verklempt at their attempts to comfort me.

  There was an idea. “Hey, will you guys do me a favor and look into Vic for me?” I asked. “He just doesn’t seem to be the type we usually axe. Maybe my judgment is clouding up from being so close to him, but I need more motivation. Can you get me the scoop?”

  Monty grinned. “Roger that.”

  “Yeah! We’ll get right on it,” Jack echoed.

  I wanted to hug them both, but couldn’t risk it. I just turned away and headed back to camp. This would work, I told myself. The boys would figure something out. And their research would make my job clearer. A small, but significant sense of relief crept over me. At least I could put plans on hold until I heard back.

  I was just about to camp when I spotted Lex leaning against a tree. The way the sun came down, illuminating his face, turned my skin to gooseflesh.

  “I was waiting for you,” he said. “I think what you did today—rescuing the other team like that—was amazing.”

  Before I knew what was happening, Lex pulled me into his arms and kissed me. It was one of those brain-melting kisses that I haven’t had in years, I might add. My arms slid around his neck and I kissed him back with everything I had.

  I was just starting to come to my senses and drag him off into the bushes for a quickie when something went clunk and I felt Lex flinch.

  “Whoa!” He pulled back and began massaging his head. On the ground I spotted a hard, unripe mango. Looking up into the trees, I thought I saw a flash of red.