Stand By Your Hitman

by Leslie Langtry

  Sami looked off into the ocean. “Well, I guess we’re on the same goddamned page. Hell, we’re practically twins.”

  “Oh yes,” I added. “Definitely separated at birth.”

  Neither of us spoke for a moment.

  “Fact is,” Sami said quietly, “I’m getting too old for this shit. I could use the money before some health problems force me to retire before my time.”

  I was stunned. It never occurred to me that Sami would open up about anything. Her trust in me almost made me tell her I was an assassin. Almost. Okay, I never really came close, but the conversation touched me.

  “Do you want to talk about it?” I asked, not really knowing what to say.

  She shook her head. “Jesus Christ, I’ve said too much already, bitch!” A sad smile tugged at the heavily lined corners of her mouth.

  “Did you say something?” I feigned. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t listening.”

  Sami laughed and clapped me on the back. “Shit. Let’s get outta here. I’m sure Lex is waiting for you.”

  I looked at her quizzically. “What do you mean?”

  “Aw, fuck. Everyone knows he’s hot for you. Don’t give me any bullshit, because you know it too.”

  We headed back to camp and I realized Lex and I hadn’t been as cautious as we thought. Oh well. It didn’t really matter in the end.

  After the food was gone, everyone started to get ready for bed. Tomorrow would be another challenge and we didn’t want to go down like the other team did. The cameramen never did show up. Maybe they had more to film at the other camp, or perhaps they blended in at the luau for some ill-gotten time off.

  Lex and I took a moonlit stroll along the beach. As he held my hand, I thought this couldn’t be more perfect. Well, except for being on the show and having to kill Isaac…

  He sat down in the sand, pulling me down beside him. “I talked to Isaac and Sami about forming an alliance with us. They both thought it was a good idea.”

  A Bombay forming an alliance with her Vic. Now, that had to be a first.

  I nodded. “That’s good. What do you think about the other team? Anyone there look like a prospect?”

  Lex stared out at the ocean for a moment before responding. “No. They all looked like they were nuts.”

  “I’ll agree to that.”

  The two of us sat there for a moment, listening to the surf pound the shore. I really liked Lex. I mean really, really liked him. My mind turned to that scene in From Here to Eternity where the couple make out, rolling around in the surf. That would be awesome. Of course, then we’d be covered in seaweed, choking on salt water and digging sand out of various crevices for days. I guess it didn’t sound so romantic when you put it that way.

  “Any guesses on tomorrow’s challenge?” I steered the subject clear.

  “I don’t know. Could be anything really. These guys don’t seem to have a clue. For all we know, we could be playing shuffleboard at the resort.”

  I scratched the side of my nose. “That would suck. I’m no good at shuffleboard.”

  “What are you good at?”

  I thought about that for a moment. I mean, there’s only so much I could tell him. “I’m great at killing people using nothing more than a rectal thermometer and sunflower seeds”—that would probably be more than Lex wanted to know.

  “I’m good at thinking outside the box,” I answered truthfully. Technically I wasn’t lying.

  “Yes, I’ve seen some of your work.” He laughed. “Is that what you are passionate about?”

  “What do you mean?” What did he mean?

  “Well, is that what you’ve always wanted to do—invent stuff? Fit a square peg into a round hole?”

  “Actually, I can do that. And yes, I guess it is my passion.” It surprised me that I’d never really thought about it before. Being creative and inventing things were just in my blood. I couldn’t imagine doing anything else.

  Lex said, “You look confused.”

  “No. Not really,” I lied. “I guess I just never had a dream about doing one big thing. I just love inventing.”

  He looked at me for a moment. “There isn’t something you’d like to do with your talents? Invent the perfect mousetrap?”

  I laughed uneasily. “I guess not.” It always bothered me a little that my inventions would go unrecognized by the world due to the highly secretive nature of the Bombay family business, but I wasn’t about to say that. “What about you? Any lofty goals for your life?”

  Lex shook his head. “I don’t have it all together like you. Maybe I never will. My biggest goal would probably be just to find happiness. That’s all that really seems to matter.”

  Damn, he had me there. Wasn’t that what everyone wanted in life? Sure, some people wanted fame and fortune. But this gorgeous hunk of man just wanted to be happy. How cool was that?

  “There is one thing we both seem to be good at.” He grinned and leaned toward me.

  My lips met his, and oooh la la! As Lex’s arms slid around me I chastised myself for going all these years without a man.

  My hands were just sliding up his nice, muscular arms when we heard shouting down the beach.

  I wanted to ignore it until I recognized the word help being screamed over and over. Lex and I jumped up and ran down the beach toward camp.

  Imagine our surprise when we found our shelter in flames. Sami tossed water onto the fire as Silas and Isaac tried to beat it out with giant leaves. I snatched up a couple of empty coconut halves and raced toward the sea while Lex joined the other men. For a moment I realized that Cricket was nowhere to be seen.

  We worked silently for what seemed like hours. Sami and I ran back and forth with water and the men stamped out the remaining embers. Our shelter was reduced to ashes.

  “What happened?” I asked when I suddenly realized I didn’t know.

  “No fucking clue,” Sami began. “I went into the jungle to take a piss and I came back to see Silas and Isaac trying to put the fire out.”

  Lex and I turned to the other men.

  Silas shrugged. “I don’t know either. We didn’t have a campfire tonight cuz of all the food we got. I was collecting fruit and saw the smoke. Isaac showed up a few seconds after me.”

  Isaac nodded but didn’t add anything.

  “Where’s Cricket?” I asked.

  Everyone shrugged. Lex examined the charred remains of our site. It was too dark to determine what caused the fire and I was more concerned with our missing team member.

  “We can figure this out later. Right now, we should find Cricket,” I pressed, startled that I found myself so concerned about her.

  We started combing the beach, shouting for our missing teammate. Nothing. It was far too dark to enter the jungle alone with no light. I was getting a little worried.

  Lex pulled out the emergency walkie-talkie Julie had given us on our first day at camp. He was just turning it on, when who should walk out of the foliage but our little wayward camp counselor.

  “Where the hell have you been, bitch?” Sami shouted. I thought I detected more concern than contempt in her raspy voice.

  “What?” Cricket said a little defensively. “I was out getting mangoes for breakfast.”

  That would’ve been a reasonable explanation, were it not for the fact that she had no mangoes whatsoever.

  “How do we know she didn’t start the fire?” Silas squinted at her suspiciously.

  “What fire?” Cricket squeaked.

  “How did you find your way through the jungle without any light?” Isaac asked. I thought it was a pretty good question.

  “What’s your problem?” she asked. “I told you where I was, what I was doing. I didn’t start any fire.” Her eyes trailed the length of camp and stopped on the charred shelter.

  “What happened?” Cricket made a slight movement with her right hand—it looked like she pocketed something she didn’t want us to see. Then she ran over to what remained of our sleeping area.


  “All right,” Lex started, “let’s just calm down. We don’t know that she’s not telling the truth and we don’t know how the fire got started.”

  Isaac nodded. “And we won’t know until morning light. Let’s just give everyone the benefit of the doubt and try to get some sleep for the challenge tomorrow.”

  The others nodded grudgingly and we silently dug our own spots in the sand. Silas was snoring within seconds, but I had a feeling that everyone else was awake, listening for…what, exactly?

  “I don’t want you to get cold,” Lex’s voice purred in my ear as he settled in next to me. His arm slid over me and I could feel my temperature rise a few notches. As I heard his breathing slow down to sleep tempo, my mind wandered.

  What had happened here? Had someone deliberately started the fire? If it had been an accident, I was pretty sure one of my teammates would have owned up to it. And where had Cricket been? How had she maneuvered through the pitch-black jungle? And what was she concealing in her pocket that she didn’t want us to see?

  My brain repeated these questions over and over until I realized that someone was moving around the camp. Very gently, I lifted my head and looked around. A dark shadow was moving against the canopy of trees. I couldn’t make out who it was, and I was pretty sure whoever didn’t want anyone to know what it was doing. Slowly I turned my head to see where the rest of my teammates were sleeping. I just barely made out the dark clumps of bodies, but had no idea who was up and around. One, two, three…yup. The shadow was one of us.

  Lex rolled onto his back and I lay down with my head on his shoulder. It was probably just someone going to use the bathroom. Or maybe one of my team was trying to solve the mystery. After a couple of shuffling noises, the sounds ended. Whoever it was had gone to sleep.

  The urge to jump to my feet was doused by the realization I might be overreacting. Everyone had to get up sometime in the night for the bathroom. What was I going to do, tie them up one by one and force them to confess under the threat of torture? All I had on me was the bracelet and fire. No, that was too Spanish Inquisition. All I really needed was some water, a coconut shell and some copper wire….

  This train of thought was going nowhere. The fact was that we didn’t know what had happened. In order to stay in the game to do my job, I had to keep my teammates happy. And I was pretty sure they wouldn’t be happy with me if I was grilling them about their latrine usage. I needed more evidence, so I turned off my inner Nancy Drew and tried to get some rest.

  Chapter Fifteen

  JOEL: If you don’t understand it, shoot it.

  —Mystery Science Theater 3000

  My eyes popped open at daylight. I have this weird inner alarm clock that goes off when I need something. In my imagination, it’s a Raggedy Ann clock that says, “Wake up, wake up you sleepy head—it’s time to start our day.” I don’t know why it’s Raggedy Ann. I never liked her. Something about those red and white–striped socks seems creepy.

  I sat up and looked around. Everyone was still asleep. I stood up slowly and moved quietly to the burned-out shelter to see what I could find.

  At first glance, everything seemed to be normal. I mean, a fire like that wasn’t exactly normal, but nothing looked out of place. I couldn’t smell any accelerant, like gasoline. There was no trace of foul play. Maybe it really was an accident.

  Glancing over at my slumbering team, I thought I saw something shiny out of the corner of my eye. I got down on my hands and knees and peered under the floor of the shelter. Half-buried in the sand was a smooth, black oval. It took me two sticks to reach it and I managed to drag it out from under the ruins and slip it into my pocket as Silas woke up.

  “Morning,” he grumbled.

  I nodded. “Sleep well?”

  “Yeah, right.” Silas stood and tottered off toward the jungle.

  As soon as he was out of sight, I pulled the object out of my pocket. It was a cigarette lighter. Where had that come from? It certainly implied that the fire had been deliberately set. But why? Who? It really bothered me that I didn’t know. Especially since I was the past president of the Nancy Drew Fan Club. Of course, that was back in 1975, but it still counts and I still had the ID card in my wallet.

  Sami rose next, winked at me, then headed off into the jungle. It was that time of day when everyone had to turn the jungle into a latrine. I followed her with my eyes. Sami was a likely candidate. I was convinced she was a smoker. Maybe she smuggled some cigarettes and the lighter onto the show? I could just picture her sitting on the corner of the shelter, lighting a smoke and dropping it as someone came into view.

  But why wouldn’t she admit it? We’d all had contraband the night before, so it wasn’t like we were going to geek out and turn people in.

  Duh! Of course she wouldn’t want anyone to know! She might think it could get her voted off somehow.

  Isaac and Lex woke up simultaneously. In a few minutes they had snatched up the spear to fetch fish for breakfast. Sami and I went in search of coconuts and fruit. Silas hadn’t come back and Cricket was still asleep. As I climbed the tree to collect mangoes, I toyed with the idea of handing Sami the lighter. For some reason, I just couldn’t do it.

  Cricket finally woke up and Silas returned to find fish sizzling over a fire. Our perky little camper didn’t say a word about where she’d been the night before. In fact, she didn’t say anything at all. Maybe we’d come down too hard on her.

  “Well,” said Isaac as he stood and stretched, “I guess we’d better get started on another shelter.”

  Sami nodded. “I am itching from all that damned sand.”

  Lex and I wandered off to find what we needed for a new shelter.

  “What a team,” I moaned. “How did I end up here?”

  “They aren’t so bad. I think it would be worse to be on Inuit.”

  “Are you serious? Between Cricket the camp counselor and Silas the Civil War reenactor, we’re doomed.”

  “Oh, I wouldn’t say that. At least we have someone to lead a suicide charge should we find ourselves in combat.”

  “I hadn’t thought of that,” I admitted.

  “And if one of the challenges involves knots, Cricket can probably lead us through it with a song.”

  “Well, I was feeling better.”

  “Didn’t you ever go to summer camp as a kid?”

  I wondered how much to tell him. The Bombays do their own kind of camping. Capture the Flag usually ends rather badly, and our songs tend to have bloodthirsty military cadences.

  “Nope. And from being around Cricket I can tell I really missed out.”

  “Well, I went to camp. And it wasn’t that bad.”

  You know, it was kind of cute how he stuck up for everybody. But I didn’t have time for this.

  “There’s some brush over there.” I pointed and he grabbed it. “How about reenacting bloody carnage? Ever do that?”

  “I was a stuntman in Hollywood for years. It was my job to make the guys who got hit by cannon fire fly through the air and not get hurt.”

  “Silas wouldn’t like that. He seems like the type who’d love to get sun poisoning by playing dead on a battlefield all day.”

  “I worked with some reenactors on a period piece once. They drove me nuts with their demands for authenticity. I eventually had to replace them with actors. They called them ‘farbs’—people who don’t follow the tradition to a T.”

  “What didn’t they approve of?”

  “We had pads for the actors to land on so they wouldn’t get hurt. And they were pissed off because the boots all fit. No one got any blisters—and that is some kind of badge of honor with them.”

  “Did you work on any movies where you kill off camp counselors?” I asked hopefully.

  “No. I didn’t do the Friday the 13th stuff. I worked on some television programs, but mostly action flicks.”

  “Anything I’d have seen?”

  I listened as Lex listed a string of movies from the early 1990s. />
  “Are you serious? Bad Blood is one of my favorite films! Your explosions were top notch! How did you manage to make that water tower blow?” He was hitting on my territory now.

  “Mostly C-4. You like explosions?”

  Do I! How could I phrase it without sounding like the Unabomber? “I guess I can really appreciate a good bombing scene. Most of them are so unrealistic.”

  Lex nodded. “Now everything is done on computer. Very little is real these days.”

  I sighed in agreement. We were almost back to camp.

  Lex put his hand on my shoulder. “Let’s give Cricket and Silas a chance. If they blow it, I’ll be the first to admit I was wrong.”

  My knees went a little weak. He was far more mature than I was. And he was right. Getting along with everyone was crucial to doing my job. Gorgeous, compassionate, responsible and he liked to blow things up. I was definitely in trouble.

  We had just gotten back when Julie came out of the jungle, clipboard in hand. She surveyed the burned remains and looked at us.

  “Have a little trouble last night?” She didn’t wait for us to reply. “I hope Bert and Ernie got it on tape.” Huh. She didn’t ask if anyone got hurt. Bitch.

  Her eyes rested on me and it occurred to me that Julie wasn’t my number one fan. I shuffled my feet trying to buy time. I didn’t want to rat out our camera crew. If I told her they were AWOL last night, she’d probably shove them up our asses for the rest of the time.

  “Yup, they got it,” I decided aloud.

  I noticed the rest of the team staring at me. “We screwed up and accidentally caught our shelter on fire. Silly us!”

  No one else spoke. Apparently, they thought I should run with this alone.

  “Well,” Julie scowled, “I’m glad to hear they’re finally doing their jobs.” She squinted down the length of the beach. “Where are they now?”

  “Oh,” Sami said, “they needed to get some more batteries or some shit like that.”

  “Yeah.” Cricket added.

  “Fine.” Julie looked at her clipboard. “We have the first challenge this morning, followed by the immunity challenge and Tribal Council.” She was reading as if she were our cruise director. Julie the Cruise Director. Ooh! Lex could be Gopher.