The Doctors of Downlands

by Claire Rayner

  There was a long pause. And then Peter spoke.

  “Oh, my God, Pippa. Have you any idea what you’ve done? Any idea at all? The cruellest thing, the cruellest, wickedest thing anyone could do -”

  “No,” I said, and shook my head. “You’re wrong, Peter. I’m sure you’re wrong. You’ve tried to protect Judith all these years, keep her away from babies - but she needs to look after one, needs it desperately. It’s because that need isn’t satisfied that she drinks, I’m sure of that - “

  “Are you?” Peter said. “You may be right. But have you thought of what effect it will have on her when she has to stop looking after that baby? Because she’ll have to, you know. She won’t be able just to keep her. Things don’t work out that way.”

  I stared at him. “But if no one claims the child? All I managed to find out about that poor little mother was that she was alone - no one knew about her pregnancy. The only people likely to claim this child are the Children’s Welfare people from the local council. And you know as well as I do that they’re only too happy to leave a baby in someone’s care if that person can be shown to be fit to do the job - “

  And then I stopped.

  “Precisely,” Peter said, and his voice was filled with despair.

  “Precisely. Judith - my wife - is an alcoholic. She’s the last person who would be considered suitable to care for a child, even though she’s a doctor’s wife. Don’t you think I’ve thought of something like this before? I’m not completely stupid, you know!”

  He stopped then, and rubbed one gloved hand over his face, with a weary gesture that made me want to look after him as though he were a baby.

  “I’m sorry, Pippa. I daresay you meant well. But all I know is that you have given Judith a baby to care for, and that inevitably that baby will be taken away from her. And what will happen then, I just can’t imagine. It nearly killed her last time. This time - maybe it will finish the job - “

  And heavily, he turned and walked up the stairs, following Judith and leaving me to stand staring up at him, and Max and the little dead mother in the consulting room behind.

  “Now what have we done, Dr Fenwick?”

  Max’s voice made me turn, and I saw him leaning against the consulting room door looking at me with that sardonic twist to his forehead.

  “You’ve got an absolute gift for meddling, haven’t you? You do a good job, medically speaking, and then go and ruin it by some absurd impulsive action like this last piece of stupidity. Well, what are you going to do next?”

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  I wouldn’t have thought it possible that a person could disappear, in this day and age, and not be noticed. But that is just what happened to the young girl who had so unexpectedly appeared at Downlands, given birth to her baby and then died, in the space of an hour or so.

  Of course we notified the police of her death and the baby’s birth, and a coroner’s inquest was held. The police tried to find out where she had come from, where she had been working, who her family were, but with no success at all. Inquiries at local factories showed that the turnover of staff was so rapid that no one could positively identify a girl who had left a week before. Inquiries at lodging houses, too, failed.

  “Someone’s holding on to her few things and saying nothing,” Peter said two days after the girl’s death. “It’s not the first time it’s happened, and it won’t be the last, I daresay.”

  And so it seemed. Newspaper accounts failed to bring forward anyone who had known the pathetic dark-haired girl with the amber-coloured eyes, no parents, no boyfriend (“What was Emma’s father like, I wonder?” Judith mused, looking down at the crumpled-rose-petal face of the baby sleeping in her arms) and we had to face the fact that no one ever would know. Emma’s mother had disappeared like a stone thrown into a pond. But the existence of Emma herself was enough of a memorial.

  She was an enchanting baby, and the effect she had on Judith was incredible. She seemed to shed years in the long hours she spent caring for the scrap of humanity that was Emma. All the pent-up love and maternal feeling of years came pouring out in a flood over the child, who thrived on it. She slept, and fed, and slept again. She lay blinking solemnly up at Judith’s face as Judith dressed her lovingly in the beautiful baby clothes that had once belonged to her Emma. She lay beside the Coopers’ bed in the beribboned bassinet that had also been kept from the past, and Judith would sit on her bed and just look at her as she slept.

  On the day Charles was due to arrive for the weekend Peter called me into his consulting room just before morning surgery, and I went a little nervously. I knew the Children’s Officer had come from the council the afternoon before, and I was afraid for Judith. Had I in fact done more harm than good in giving Judith the baby to care for? Were the local authority going to take Emma away to be put in a home?

  “Pippa, I owe you an apology,” Peter said abruptly.

  He began to walk restlessly up and down, and I sat myself on the edge of his desk and waited. There was nothing I could say - yet.

  “You were right. Judith did need a baby to look after. It’s quite incredible the difference this has made to her. She hasn’t taken a drink, or even seemed to think of taking one, ever since you put Emma into her arms. For the first time in years the ghost of our own child has been exorcized.”

  He stopped and went on with a rueful grin, “She’s even helped me. She’s a beguiling little wretch, and I’m getting decidedly attached to her, even in a couple of days. Anyway, the Children’s Officer came yesterday and saw us - “

  “I know,” I said swiftly. “And I’m sorrier than I can say, Peter. If I’d stopped to think - which I suppose I don’t do often enough - I’d have realized there’d be - problems - “

  “But there aren’t!” Peter said. “Not insurmountable ones, anyway. We were honest with Miss Lamont - Judith especially. She told her all about herself - about our own Emma’s death, about her drinking, everything. We talked for - oh, ages. And then Miss Lamont said she felt she would be justified in leaving Emma with us for the time being - although we must face the risk that in due course we’ll have to part with her. But she says there’s nothing to stop us from making an adoption application - and as long as Emma thrives with us, and there are no - problems with Judith, there won’t be any opposition to the application from her department. Of course the fact that I’m a doctor may have helped a little. Miss Lamont knows me well and knows I’ll do all I can to keep Judith on an even keel. She also knows that having Emma may be all Judith needs to put her right again - for good.”

  He gave me a lopsided grin. “I’m deeply grateful to you, Pippa. And apologize humbly for being so - difficult the night Emma was born. You were right and I was wrong - because we’ve got at least a fifty-fifty chance of keeping Emma always. We’re even registering her in our name - there’s nothing to stop that being done since no one knows the name of either of her parents - “

  I slid off the desk and ran across the room to put my hands on his shoulders.

  “Oh, Peter, I’m so glad for you - so very glad! I do hope it all works out right for the three of you, indeed I do! In a way, this takes some of the sting out of the tragedy of that girl’s death - oh, Peter, I do wish you happy, you and Judith and Emma - “

  He looked down at me with an odd look on his face, and then, before I knew what was happening, he had his arms round me and was holding me very close, and kissing me with a deep warmth and tenderness.

  I was so startled that I couldn’t do anything, neither pulling away from him nor responding. I just lay there in his arms.

  There was a sound, a sharp sound, and it seemed to break the spell. Peter let me go, and I whirled trembling to stare round the room.

  There was no one there, but the door handle was just returning to its normal position.

  “Someone saw us - “ I said stupidly. “Someone came in and saw us and then went away. Who - ?”

  “I’m sorry, Pippa - my God, but I’m sorry! I don’
t know what possessed me!” Peter said shakily, and then moved away from me to the window to stand with his back to it as he talked. “It was just that - oh, I don’t know. I was feeling such a mixture of emotions - gratitude, and hope, and pity for that dead girl, and regret for Judith’s wasted years - and you looked so very young and pretty, and were so close - but I can’t think what possessed me all the same - “

  He put his hands to his face, and I saw they were shaking.

  “I - you won’t misunderstand, will you Pippa? I love my wife very dearly - very dearly indeed. In a way, that’s why I kissed you. Can you comprehend that? It’s because I love Judith that I kissed you. It sounds so stupid put like that - but it’s true. Some men can love one woman and admire others - and that’s the sort I am. But however much I admire a girl, there’s still only one woman for me, and that’s Judith - “

  “Peter, Peter!” I said soothingly. “You don’t have to explain, or apologize. I do understand, really I do. You needn’t think I’ve got - designs on you! I’m truly happy for you and Judith. And anyway, I - I’m involved myself. There’s Charles - the man who’s coming down tonight - “ and my heart lifted absurdly at the thought. “But what worries me is that someone came in and saw us. Who was it? And will whoever it was think there was more to an innocent kiss than a moment’s indiscretion? We - it could cause a lot of trouble for us if it were the wrong person - “

  I was thinking of Barbara Moon. She had already shown herself to be an emotionally unstable personality, suffering from an almost morbid sense of possessiveness about the men doctors in the practice. Look what she had done when she had merely feared I might come between her and them! What would she do if she saw what she would regard as concrete evidence? I was really worried.

  And then, the door opened and Barbara herself came in, carrying a little pile of patients’ cards.

  “Several here for surgery already!” she said cheerfully and gave us both a limpid smile. “I’ve put some cards ready on your desk, Dr Fenwick. There are three new ones asking specially for you - you’re getting very popular!” and with a gay nod she went out, closing the door behind her.

  Could it have been Barbara who had seen us? Surely not! She would have to be a superb actress to appear so unconcerned so soon afterwards if it really had been her. And yet - didn’t she put on a remarkable show of innocence when we talked together, all of us, about the damage to my medical bag?

  “There’s no point in worrying about who it was or wasn’t,” Peter said wearily. “If it’s a mischief maker, we’ll find out soon enough - and if not, well we were lucky. All I can say is I’m sorry - and it won’t happen again.”

  “Forget it,” I said, suddenly feeling as weary about it all as he was. “I’ll start my surgery - and we’ll just wait and see what happens.”

  It’s wonderful how work can take the edge off any worry. My morning surgery was busy and interesting and by lunchtime the silly episode with Peter was so far in the back of my mind that I was able to have lunch with him and Judith without any embarrassment at all. That kiss had been no more than a momentary indiscretion, and gratefully I let the anxiety about who had seen us sink into the back of my mind.

  Nothing had been said to Judith about it, that much was certain. She chattered cheerfully all through lunch, planning a shopping expedition to buy a new pram for Emma so that she could take her out for walks, and together we discussed the pros and cons of various makes.

  And all afternoon, I found excitement welling up in me as I thought of Charles’ imminent arrival. Since Peter was willing to take my afternoon calls for me, I had time to go and get my hair done at the best salon in Tetherdown, and then hurry back to take a long bath and dress myself in a leisurely way before spending a good half hour putting on a careful make-up.

  And when I’d finished it wouldn’t be too immodest to say that I looked pretty good. The hairdresser had done my hair in smooth sweeps that shone blue black in the light from my dressing-table lamp, and the new blue eye shadow I was using made the most of the colour of my eyes. I was wearing my favourite dress - a sleek-fitting black one that flared suddenly at the hips and that was trimmed with a huge but demure white lace collar and floppy white lace cuffs. I wore it with white stockings and gay red shoes, and the total effect pleased me enormously.

  But I was so eager to be ready in time that I was ready too soon. It would be a good hour yet before Charles would arrive, and I felt the excitement in me mount to fever pitch as I went out of my room to the big sitting-room that overlooked the garden.

  The fire was burning, flickering its gentle light over the pale walls and the handsome Swedish furniture, and I collapsed into a big armchair and tried to relax. There was no one to talk to because Judith was closeted in her room - as was usual, now - with baby Emma. I had to fill in the time by myself.

  And then I heard footsteps on the stairs, and the door opened and Jeremy’s head appeared round the edge.

  “Anyone home?” he called, and then as I sat up and he saw me he suddenly went very pink. It was a most disarming sight, making him more little-boy-like than ever, and I smiled warmly at him.

  “Only me,” I said cheerfully. “Will I do?”

  “Oh - any time - I mean, yes, of course. That is - “

  I laughed. “Come in anyway. How are you? And how’s your father? Have you seen him lately?”

  Jeremy came in and sat a little awkwardly on the edge of the chair opposite me.

  “I’ve just come from the hospital and he’s fine - much better, really. Getting very bad-tempered and that’s always an excellent sign, Sister said. That’s why I came in - I thought I’d tell Peter - I’d no idea I’d see you - “

  “Sorry to disappoint you!” I said, a little wickedly because I knew perfectly well what he meant - but he always blushed and stammered so charmingly that I couldn’t resist teasing him.

  “Oh, Phillipa, I didn’t mean that!” he cried, and he looked and sounded so distressed that I put out a hand and touched his.

  “I know, Jeremy - I was only teasing you a little. Look, now you are here, and you’ve delivered your good news, why not stay a while and talk to me? I’m on my own for a full hour - and I’d love some company - if you can spare the time.”

  “I’d love to,” he said eagerly, and then, “do you mind if I sit on the hearthrug? It’s so much more comfortable than a chair.”

  “Of course!” I said. “You can stretch out flat on the carpet if you like! Would you like some tea or something?”

  He came and sat on the rug at my feet, leaning back so that his tousled fair head was resting against my chair.

  “No thanks. All I want is to sit here and talk to you. It’s the nicest suggestion I’ve heard all day.”

  “Good! Then what shall we talk about?”

  I leaned back and relaxed, looking down at him, and thinking of David. It had been a full fortnight since he’d written to me, so at least I knew he wasn’t in any financial pickle. I was his first port of call in storms of that sort. But he should have written to me, anyway, I thought a little crossly. I was his older sister, his only living relative. It would be nice if he made more of an effort to remember the fact. It should be he who was sitting here and talking, not this other boy. But if my own young brother couldn’t be here it was pleasant to enjoy the company of someone young enough to remind me of him.

  “- what do you think, Phillipa?” Jeremy twisted his head to look up at me.

  I came to with a start. Jeremy had been talking and I hadn’t heard a word he’d said. And I’d asked him to stay and talk to me.

  “Forgive me, Jeremy,” I said contritely. “I was suddenly miles away - what did you say?”

  He was still sitting in that awkwardly twisted position, staring up at me, and he didn’t respond to my question at first but just sat and stared at me.

  “Jeremy?” I said, a little puzzled. “What did you say?”

  “How can anyone have eyes as blue as yours?” he said, and
his voice sounded oddly thick.

  I put a hand up to my face, startled. “That’s an odd thing to say -”

  He moved then, scrambling to his knees and turning completely so that he was resting his hands on each side of me, on the arms of my chair, and staring intently into my face. I leaned back, a little embarrassed.

  “Phillipa - you really are the most - the most wonderful -”

  And then, to my amazement and - well, yes, horror - he leaned forwards and with an awkward fumbling movement tried to get hold of me, tried to kiss me.

  I pulled away, turning my head so that his inexpert kiss landed somewhere in the region of my ear.

  “Jeremy! Stop this, for heaven’s sake!” I said, rather breathlessly. “What on earth’s got into you?”

  He held on to me, with his hard young hands gripping my shoulders, and said in a deeply urgent sort of way, “I love you, Pippa. I’ve loved you ever since Dad brought you to the College that day - I haven’t been able to get you out of my mind, truly I haven’t - and seeing you here now, like this - looking so marvellous - you’re the most beautiful girl in the world, Pippa - well, it’s just too much for me, and I had to - Pippa, dear, dear Pippa - will you marry me? Please, will you?”

  And he looked so much like a small boy pleading for a new football, instead of like the ardent young lover he believed himself to be, that I was hard put to it not to laugh.

  But of course I didn’t. Calf love is nothing to laugh at.

  And at eighteen Jeremy was very close to being a man, even though to me, at twenty-four, he seemed very young indeed. He certainly has the build of a man, I thought a little nervously, aware of his big body and strong hands as he loomed over me.

  “Please, Jeremy, could you sit down again?” I said meekly. “I can’t possibly talk to you while you keep me pinned down like this -”

  “Oh, Pippa, I’m so sorry - do forgive me!” He was all repentance, and immediately sat back on his heels, and rested his hands in his lap, looking up at me eagerly.