Because of Our Child

by Margot Early

  “I hear you, Mom. But I’m pretty sure I’m doing the right thing.”

  Jen nodded. She would report this conversation to Max. She bent over and kissed Elena’s forehead. “Good night, sweetie. I love you.”

  “’Night, Mom.”

  OUTSIDE ELENA’S BEDROOM, she ran into Max. Jen gestured him toward her own room, at the far end of the corridor. Standing in the doorway, she told him in whispers about her conversation with Elena. “I guess I don’t think it’s such a worrisome trait,” she said. “That’s all. And I’d rather she was too cautious than reckless.”

  Max nodded, not disagreeing. “Want to come sit in my room and talk? There are some nice chairs in there.”

  “Sure.”

  She followed him down the hall to the room which, in daylight, had a good view of Makal Canyon.

  There, she told him about her conversation with Richard at the barbecue and Richard’s assertions that George was supposed to place lookouts.

  “I don’t believe that,” Max said. “Do you?”

  “No, and I have to admit, it made me angry. We did have a lookout on our side. I just remembered. Bill…” She fumbled for the forgotten name.

  “Wiler.”

  “Yes.”

  “He had a hard time notifying us, though, remember, he talked about it afterward.”

  “I remember. I think he actually had a bad battery.”

  “That was it. He was crying then, but we were all okay on our side, and he’d gotten back to us. He told us about the fire spotting below us.”

  “Yes. He got burned, too. Just second degree, like you did on Silver Jack. By the way, all healed up?” His look was mischievous.

  Hers quelled. “Yes. Completely, thank you.”

  “Just checking. If you wanted me to look at your injury…”

  “Actually, I want you to tell me what you meant by ‘cowardly.’”

  Max sighed. He sat back in the rocker he’d chosen and put his stocking feet on an Arts and Crafts footstool. “I have a fear of attracting what I fear. It started with Salma. I was always afraid she would get hurt firefighting. If you’ll recall, she was the slowest hotshot.”

  “I don’t, actually. What I recall is that she was the most beautiful.”

  “There was at least one other hotshot who wasn’t bad-looking at all.” He winked and continued. “So, when she died, I figured I’d attracted it by being afraid of it.”

  “What are you afraid of about me?”

  “Revenge. That if you find yourself in a position of power over me you’ll hurt me simply because I hurt you long ago.”

  “That would be a very small way for me to act. Also, I can’t imagine hurting a man just to hurt him.”

  Max looked as if he didn’t quite believe her, and Jen wondered why. She rushed to fill the void and regretted each word as she released it. “Anyhow, hurting someone isn’t just hurting them. My innocence is gone. I wouldn’t do that to someone, take their innocence about love.” Her hand flew to her mouth.

  He put his feet on the floor and leaned toward her, where she sat in a chair not four feet from his. “I never meant to do that. I was very young, too, Jen. I didn’t know what I was doing to you. I would never have knowingly done that, either.”

  “I don’t know what made me even say it. It’s not as though it matters.”

  “I think we’ve come to this point several times now and that you may as well stop saying that it doesn’t matter.” He reached for her hand, and she gave it, almost limply.

  I’m terrified, she thought. He’s talking about cowardice, but every time he seems to get close I push him away. Why?

  Because she sensed that he was the One? No. She’d never sensed that about anyone. Oh, yes you did, Jen. Thirteen years ago.

  But this was not thirteen years ago, and Max Rickman was not who he’d been then, and she wouldn’t be interested in him if he were.

  Why can’t you loosen up, Jen? Why do you have to wear single-motherhood like some kind of holy armor?

  Because she was Robin Delazzeri’s daughter.

  “I’ve lost you. You’re far away, as your mother said earlier tonight.”

  “It seems a lifetime ago.” She gathered her thoughts. “It’s hard for me to loosen up, Max, to laugh, to have fun. I became serious a long time ago. In fact, I’ve always been serious, but going straight into single motherhood and an ambitious career path made me even more serious. The other night, when we were dancing and you said I looked happy, it was as if I’d found a piece of myself that had been lost. Then, I thought you were still, well, brooding over Salma, and it disappeared again. It’s hard to get back. I don’t trust easily.”

  “I need to talk to you about some things,” he said, “and I’m worried about how you may react.”

  Great.

  “I need to see Elena regularly, and she needs to see me.”

  Jen breathed carefully, not tensing.

  “It’s her right, Jen.”

  “I didn’t say ‘No,’ did I?”

  “I can see how you’re reacting.”

  “You cannot see. You have no idea what it’s like to grow up in a quote, unquote, broken home.”

  “It’s not what I want for Elena either, Jen. I’m going to ask you something… Before I finish, know that there are many reasons for my asking. It’s not just because of our child.”

  Jen tensed.

  “I think,” he said, “we should get married.”

  “I’m not sure we ever should have had lunch!” she exclaimed.

  Max laughed, looking both so handsome and so gently loving that Jen’s heart stopped. One of its shells broke away, and she shed just a bit of all that held her back, stopped her from loving Max—or any other man.

  He gazed at her. “Think about it.”

  Jen unconsciously scooted her chair back from him several inches.

  He looked down to see how far it had moved on the floor and then back at her face. “You see the problem,” he said.

  “I do not always back away.”

  “You do more often than you know—and in more ways than you know.”

  “So you want to marry me because of Elena.”

  “She’s only one reason. But don’t you think that would be best for her?”

  “No. She doesn’t need that. She gets along fine without—” And Jen froze, hearing herself, knowing herself. She covered her face with her hand. “Oh, God, Max, I’m sorry. I’m acting like my mother. And she was so wrong. We needed our father. We needed to be able to see him every day, if we wanted to. But we were never offered the choice.”

  “Wouldn’t you like Elena to have the choice that wasn’t yours?”

  “Yes,” Jen whispered, looking up into his eyes. “But she’s twelve. She’ll leave home in six years.”

  “And she’ll come back for vacations. And maybe she’ll get married and have children. And even if the worst happens, and you and I both know that the worst is to lose her in one way or another, then you and I will have each other.”

  “Oh, God.”

  He got out of his chair and crouched beside hers. He spoke softly. “We can live together in Leadville.”

  “She dances every day at a very good dance school. How do you think she’s going to react to Leadville? It’s a mining town. It’s small. It’s rough. You know it is.”

  Max knew all of this. Expeditions from various outdoor schools, wilderness programs for juvenile delinquents, so many of these launched from Leadville. But there were ski bums who drank too much, people who’d failed at one thing or another and were running away to Colorado’s mountains.

  “It’s where my employment is,” he said.

  “I know.” But what is there for me? Yet Jen knew, knew with certainty, that to do what he suggested would not be confining but freeing—for Elena as well as herself. Elena would fight them, fight like an alley cat with appropriate sound effects. “Okay.” She half laughed as she spoke.

  “Now, that’s enthusiasm
.”

  It wasn’t a very enthusiastic proposal.

  “Jen.”

  She lifted her eyes to his, and he touched her wrists, her forearms and gazed into her face.

  “I think we can build a good life together,” he said. “I believe we’ll challenge each other, become better by being together. You have things to teach me.”

  “And you, me,” she replied.

  He kissed her. She remembered the taste and shape of his mouth, the slow, careful, tasting caress of each moment, the cautious closeness, the firm desire. She remembered want.

  “Max.”

  “Mm.”

  They spoke no more, just kissed for some time until he said, “Will you stay with me?”

  Stay with him. Make love with him. Sleep with him. “Yes.” I’m terrified, Max. He had asked her for marriage. They were engaged. Yet she wondered if she would always fear rejection from this man because she’d been rejected by him once.

  “You did say,” he asked, looking at her, as if to clarify, “that you’re going to marry me? I didn’t read the wrong thing into that ‘Okay’?”

  Jen laughed, shaking her head. “You read it right.” I’m happy. A man wants to marry me for reasons he hasn’t named—except our daughter—and I’m happy anyhow. As they moved toward the bed, Jen added, “She’s not going to respond well. I guarantee it. She’ll say I’m trying to ‘take you over.’”

  “She doesn’t have to like it for it to be the best thing for her.”

  “I know. But when she’s unhappy I feel like a bad mother. And I would be the first person to admit that my duty isn’t to make her happy. I like to make her happy, and I want her to learn to make herself happy.”

  “I think she’ll learn that.”

  “Maybe better now.” She frowned. “But there are complications. I live with my mother and Teresa. My mother and I own a house in Denver together.”

  “Are you saying that she needs your help with Teresa—or that Teresa needs help with her?” He seemed less focused on his own words, his own questions, than he was on undressing her.

  “I’m just saying that we’ve all lived together for a long time.”

  “Leadville’s not far away.” Max pulled back the covers, and they lay on the bed together, touching, kissing.

  Jen continued talking, almost feverishly, as she lifted up his shirt, as he pulled it off. “And Elena can stay with them when she goes to dance camp. But, Max… I don’t know how my mother will react, but I doubt it will be good.”

  “I don’t know how my father will react,” he answered with a smile. “But none of them can seriously argue with the wisdom of it.”

  “Anyone could argue with the wisdom of it.”

  Max smiled again. “But you and I aren’t going to argue now.” He gently silenced her, touching her, gazing at her in the lamplight.

  I’m afraid. I’m afraid that if I trust, he’ll reject me again. Can people know how much pain they cause?

  She wanted to make love with her whole being, holding nothing back, but how could she trust this man, even now that he’d asked her to marry him?

  His touch made her forget. She could not think. Only feel. She knew she would risk, was risking her heart. But only because her feelings were already involved. And she savored the closeness and tried to read in him if he felt love for her. If what she believed she saw in his eyes was really there.

  It was later, when he held her curled against him, that he asked, “How shall we do it? Would you like a big wedding with our families there? Or something quick and small?”

  Jen felt herself relax. And trust. “I’m a big fan of quick and small, but Elena should definitely be there. I think our families should be.”

  “Our families are all here right now. When are your mother and Elena going back?”

  “Tuesday.”

  He smiled. “Think we can get a license Monday?”

  “There’s no one to fax me my birth certificate. No, wait. I was born in Monterey… Maybe it can work.”

  “I think it can,” he answered and she knew he was talking about more than the marriage license. He drew her against him again. “I know it can.”

  THEY WERE TO MEET his father and two sisters, sisters’ husbands and children at the Carpinteria Country Club. Jen dressed in flowing pants and matching long top and vest in white and cream. She wore her hair in an updo adorned with a small spray of white desert flowers she’d picked outside. Elena had chosen to wear her hair the same way, saying, “We’ve got to stick together, Mom,” which had surprised Jen.

  Jen and Max had talked about how to tell Elena that they were getting married. She might be upset, but Max wanted to tell his father when he saw him. So they’d decided that Jen would find a time and way to tell Elena before the lunch date.

  My timing’s horrible, Jen thought as she turned from the mirror in her room, relinquishing it to her daughter. “Elena, Max has asked me to marry him. And I’ve said yes.”

  Elena did not move. Just kept adjusting her dress, a flowing white silk that made her look like a Greek maiden of myth. “Without asking me.”

  “We both feel this will be best for you.”

  Hearing her mother, Elena recognized two things. One, that this marriage wasn’t happening because anyone had thought about what would be best for Elena. Two, that her parents’ marrying each other would reduce her control over her own life.

  Trying not to sound too sarcastic, she asked. “So he’s coming to live with Grandma and Teresa and us in Denver?”

  “We’re going to live with him in Leadville.”

  Elena spun from the mirror and stared at her mother. Challenging, and knowing this was a challenge she would win. Because she absolutely had to. “I won’t go. I’ll stay with Grandma.”

  “We can decide that later. The wedding’s going to happen. We’re getting married Monday. But a major point of this is that we both believe it’s best for you. So you can have both of us.”

  Elena said, “I think I’d prefer a traditional broken home, to be honest.”

  Her mother answered, “I will certainly share your input with Max. In fact, you can tell him yourself.”

  “Like he’s going to care. People don’t get married for their kids. People don’t even stay married for their kids.”

  Her mother next sounded tart. “Max and I plan to marry, in any case, and plan to stay married.”

  “I can’t believe,” Elena heard herself say, and decided that she meant, “that you’re stupid enough to marry each other.”

  Her mother didn’t seem hurt, just puzzled. “Why do you think we’re being stupid?”

  “He doesn’t know how unnecessary you think he is.”

  “I do not think he’s unnecessary.”

  “You certainly did for almost all of my life. You’re not marrying him because he’s my father. Neither of you need to pretend that it’s for me.”

  “It’s not,” Jen agreed. “But in some respect, it’s because of you. And because of other things.”

  “Such as? Are you in love, or just in lust with each other?”

  Her mother looked taken aback. She probably thinks I don’t know what lust is, Elena reflected. That’s how out of touch she is.

  Jen turned away to study her reflection in the mirror. “Let’s go down. Why don’t you talk to Max about this?”

  “Because you’re my mother, and I want answers.” And she wasn’t going to the country club or anywhere else until she got some. Didn’t her mother realize how much pressure was on her, meeting Max’s whole family which was also her own family.

  “I’m your mother, and I want to be treated with respect.”

  “I don’t respect you.” She’d probably just gone ahead and slept with Max, just because she wanted to. As far as Elena was concerned, her mother had told her nothing but lies since she’d finally decided to tell Max that he had a daughter. The biggest lie was that she wasn’t after him.

  “You may not respect me, but I still e
xpect you to treat me as though you do.”

  “Fine. Please tell me everything you can about why you’re marrying Max.” And try to tell the truth for a change.

  “Because I believe I can live with him. Happily. Till I die. I believed it when I was eighteen, and I believe it now.”

  Elena considered this and decided that it did sound like the truth. But she asked, “You really loved him?”

  “I loved him. Yes.”

  “And you do now?”

  Jen shrugged. “Things are a bit different now, but he’s my friend, and that’s what a husband should be.”

  “Please don’t tell me you’re really doing this because of me. If you like each other, why don’t you just live together? When people get divorced…”

  “We’re not going to get divorced.”

  “Doesn’t it bother you,” Elena said and couldn’t help herself, even though she knew she was being cruel, “that he doesn’t love you?”

  “To be perfectly honest, I think he does love me. We’re doing something practical, not something romantic. People used to marry for reasons other than love all the time. Marriage isn’t really about love, it’s about survival. It might be better this way. Marriage is about building a life together.”

  Elena thought this over. “I think you understand marriage better than Grandma, and you’ve never even been married.”

  “Thank you,” answered her mother. “I’m sure I don’t understand it, but I do believe that what holds a marriage together is an absolute decision to hold it together, and Max and I share that.”

  “How do you know?”

  Was that doubt she saw in her mother’s eyes? Yes, Elena decided.

  “Because we know each other, and though we haven’t seen each other for years, we still know each other quite well. Time does that. Also, we worked together as hotshots. We were like family to each other then.”

  Elena wondered if she could somehow stop them from doing this thing which seemed, to her, completely insane. Also, she knew she wouldn’t see more of both of them because of it; she would see less. They would just get more wrapped up in each other, and she’d be brushed aside. “I won’t move to Leadville. There’s no one but backward people there, and I bet the school’s not very good.”