Whiskey and Regret

by Danielle James

  “I don’t know why I didn’t see it before. You regret being forced into something you hate.”

  “Hate is a strong word, Xari. Being a senator isn’t my first choice but…”

  “But you hate it. You have to publish your books, Evander.”

  “No. Even under a pen name, it would be traced to me,” I balked.

  “How? Tell me how with a pen name people would still know you were the author?” Her hands were anchored to her hips and passion roared like the ocean around her. It crashed against me in unavoidable waves, calling to the ocean of passion in me.

  I stood and walked closer to her. “We live in the age of the internet, Xari. Nobody stays anonymous forever. I would have to pay someone else to be my pen name. They’d get to take credit for the books I’ve written. The worlds I created. The words I bled on the fucking page. I’d rather keep it all to myself than to hand it over to someone else.”

  We stood face to face breathing in tandem. When she exhaled, I inhaled. We went back and forth. A silent war.

  Finally, she said, “It’s your entire life. Of course you don’t want to hand it over.” Her expression softened and she came closer, reaching up to touch the side of my face. “You can’t keep drinking like this to keep the regret at bay either, Evander. Be who you want to be. Not who your family wants you to be.”

  “It’s not that cut and dry for me. I’m Senator Evander Freeman from a long line of Freemans who have done exactly what I’m doing right now. How is being an author helping thousands of people? I have a duty to help.”

  “Did you really ask me how being an author can help thousands?” Her laugh was light and riddled with disbelief. “Being an author can help hundreds of thousands, Evander. You never know who might read your words and be touched or inspired. Some of my happiest memories come from being curled up with a book by my favorite author.”

  A knot formed and grew in my throat as I looked into her eyes. I wanted to experience even half the excitement Xari was steeped in. She didn’t understand the practical side of things though. She was a flame. Of course she didn’t mind burning bridges and finding her own direction. I wasn’t a flame.

  I was earth. I was there to help others grow. I was there to give foundations and become whatever was needed of me.

  “I can’t strike out on my own. My father groomed me since I was a kid to be in politics. It’s all I know.”

  “Not true. Writing is all you know. Politics is what was forced down your throat until the taste became palatable. Now you dull the flavor of regret with whiskey every night while you quietly stoke the weak flames of your passion in the background. Hidden.” She folded her arms and shook her head. “Tell me I’m wrong.”

  My jaw flexed and my lips turned to immovable stone. I couldn’t talk because she demanded the truth and anything I opened my mouth to say would be a lie. I couldn’t tell her that I loved politics because I didn’t. I did it on autopilot.

  I did love writing though. I lived and breathed it once I was off the clock as Senator Freeman. The thought of writing for a living made something burn in my belly. It was the bright glowing thing I’d tried my best to bury under pounds of denial.

  “Exactly. You can’t because you know I’m right.”

  “I can’t drop everything to be a writer. I’d have to resign from the senate and…” I scratched my head at the thought then let my words fade away.

  “And what? Nobody has ever in the history of the senate left their spot.”

  “Nobody in my family, Xari. We were amongst the first black people in politics. Do you know how heavy that expectation is? My father would kill me where I stand if I told him I wanted to leave and pursue writing. In the real world, we do things we don’t like doing. This is the real world.”

  Her eyes narrowed and her arms turned to wooden planks. Straight and stiff at her side. “And in the real world, you can do whatever the fuck you want to do. Especially someone like you who already has money, time, and resources. Nothing is stopping you from being what you’ve always wanted to be.”

  “Look, I appreciate the support.” I curled my fingers around her slender wrist and tugged her closer to me. I hated the distance between us. “I’m fine writing my books and keeping them to myself. I don’t hate my life.”

  “Disagree. But you know what? I’m not going to push. I’m not pushy.”

  “Have you met yourself?” I raised her hand to my lips and kissed her inner wrist. “You’re the pushiest woman I’ve ever seen.”

  “Lies.” She smiled a little. “Since you’re choosing to dismiss my expert advice to live your fucking life…I’m demanding a copy of one of your books to read.” My face warped into a frown.

  “What?”

  “I want to read your shit, Freeman. Do you have paperbacks or are they all e-books?”

  “Usually, only Apollo reads my stuff. I’ve never let anyone else read it.” My stomach knotted up. I couldn’t believe how nervous I was.

  “Aww, Apollo is your BFF. Cute. I want to read too. If the page I read was any indication of your writing style, I think I’ll like it…a lot.” I mulled over the thought in my mind. I didn’t know if I could handle her eyes on my words.

  I put so much of myself into my books that it would be like looking inside my brain. I lowered my gaze and shook my head. I couldn’t let her read my books. What if she didn’t get the story I was trying to convey? What if I wasn’t as good as she thought I was?

  Shit…what if I wasn’t as good as I thought I was?

  “No, you don’t need to read my books. It’s just something I do as a hobby anyway.”

  “Bullshit. If you could quit your job right now and write full-time for a living, you would. Wouldn’t you? Be honest.” Her challenging stare made me want to buck against her words and disagree for the sake of being a contrarian. Something with a stronger pull made me want to tell her the truth.

  “Of course I would,” I folded under the pressure of the truth serum in her eyes. “That’s not an option though. Now, like I said, there’s no reason for you to read my books. Do you know how personal that is?”

  “You can put your tongue deep in my pussy and fuck me relentlessly but you can’t let me read the words you wrote from your heart? You can’t get more personal than fucking.”

  “You can. Fucking isn’t intimate. It’s carnal. Reading my words is an act of intimacy…at least it is for me.”

  “You’ve heard me play the harp,” she countered, her voice pure and soft.

  “You play the harp all day long though.”

  “And you write all day. You heard me play something I’d never played before. You also made a request and I bared it all for you right there on the spot. I told you I’d never played that song. I was nervous about you hearing me if I messed up, but I did it anyway. You don’t think that was intimate as hell for me?”

  I was rendered silent. She was right. I didn’t think about the fact that playing a new piece for her was intimate, leaving her vulnerable and unsure. She let me in enough to see her try something new.

  I recalled the way she closed her eyes when she played and at first, I thought it was so she could concentrate on the notes. I never once thought it was because she was nervous or because it was something truly personal for her.

  Shit.

  “You’re right,” I said, with a sigh. “I can’t argue with the truth. I guess you always seem so confident that I didn’t think about you as being anything other than self-assured.”

  “Just because I’m confident and I know my abilities doesn’t mean I don’t get nervous. Beyonce gets nervous and she’s the queen of the world.”

  “I’m pretty sure that’s not true,” I chuckled.

  “Pipe down, Senator. I know my monarchy. So, since I proved you wrong, do I get to read something you’ve written?” She bounced up on the balls of her toes and her tits jiggled beneath the cotton of her pajamas.

  “I’ll send it to you,” I said, letting my shoulders fa
ll. She clapped her hands together and squeaked before jumping into my arms. I grabbed her because I already anticipated there would be hopping. I was right.

  Xari and I spent the rest of the evening in the formal dining room. She practiced playing the harp and I wrote while her heavenly music was the background music. Listening to her gave me the inspiration I needed to start on another story. I should have been editing my finished book but the characters in my head were too loud to ignore.

  Both of us stayed up so damn late that by the time we got upstairs, it felt like we only had enough energy to go to bed. Xari stood in the doorway of my bedroom staring up at me with big, sleepy eyes.

  “Goodnight, Evander.” She tugged on my shirt so that my lips were a breath away from hers. I smelled her sweet lip gloss and couldn’t help going in for a kiss. The deeper our kiss got, the harder it was to tell her goodnight and watch as she went to her room.

  She didn’t want to go either. Her hand slid down to my dick because she knew it would be hard for her. She was right.

  “I know I’m supposed to go to bed but…I wanna fuck you so bad,” she whined.

  My hand slid down to her ass and I pulled her deeper into the room before reaching over her shoulder and pushing the door shut. She giggled then hopped up, wrapping her legs around me. I gripped her thighs for support and carried her to the bed. Her slender body popped up in the air when she hit the mattress and laughter spilled from her mouth like sunshine.

  “Come here, Senator,” She beckoned with her finger curled in the air.

  “Gladly, Miss Lucas.” I settled between her thighs and peppered her neck with kisses. “Your pussy is so wet,” I grumbled against her throat. “I can smell it in the air.”

  “You make it sound like a flower,” she laughed.

  “It’s starting to become my favorite flower. Now take those pajamas off and let me suck on that pretty pussy.”

  “God, you drive me fucking crazy, Evander.”

  “Good.” I kissed her lips then pulled back so I could watch her wiggle out of her one-piece pajamas. Once her body was on display, my mouth devoured her amber nipples taking each one in my mouth, licking, sucking, and biting until they were plump peaks against my tongue.

  While my mouth worked on her breasts, my fingers pushed inside her tight wet cunt. A sugary moan spilled from her mouth to mine and I lapped it up like honey. She was perfect and I wanted to devour her in every way.

  At first, I only wanted her body, but it was morphing into something else. I wanted to know her thoughts and opinions too. She was infuriating and fascinating all at the same time.

  “Tell me what you want me to do, Xari. You have so much fucking mouth all the time. I want you to use it.” I curled my fingers inside of her and rubbed against her g-spot.

  “Mmm,” she groaned, fucking my fingers. “I want you to eat my pussy, Evander.”

  “Good girl. I need you to be my nasty slut.”

  “Okay,” she panted. I kissed and licked my way to her pussy and then I gorged myself. Xari was my midnight snack. She was so slick and hot I could have stayed between her legs forever sucking her plump clit and feeling her climax repeatedly.

  “Good girls keep quiet,” I rumbled from between her legs. “You don’t want to wake Frankie.”

  “I’m not a good girl though. I’m bad as fuck.” She guided my head back between her thighs and I smiled against her glistening pussy lips.

  “You are bad as fuck.” I bit her inner thigh then moved to pin her wrists over her head. “And I drive this fucking boat, Xari. Not you. This pussy belongs to me. Your orgasms belong to me. Every drop of cum that I make leak out of your perfect pink pussy belongs to me. Understand?” I pulled my cock out and stroked it a few times before slapping it against her clit.

  “I give you my orgasms as I see fit,” she bit back. The passion was back. The fire and the hunger that were identical to my own lured me down the cat and mouse path with her.

  I laughed a little while she struggled against my hold on her wrists then I thrust into her pussy. I didn’t show mercy because she needed to know who was responsible for her legs shaking and her heart racing. She needed to understand who made her throb and ache.

  I was going to make her come until she tapped out.

  One by one, I collected her moans. I fucked her like a savage.

  In and out.

  In and out.

  Hard. Unforgiving. Deep. Long.

  She came for me twice. Once was quick and full of curse words that she painted the side of my face with.

  The second time was hard. Her pussy choked my cock and refused to let go until she started shaking. Tears rolled down her brown sugar cheeks when I rubbed her clit slowly, taking care to avoid her piercing. I wanted to be responsible for her orgasm.

  “You feel how I’m dragging that cum from your pussy, Xari?” I moved in languid loops while fucking her slowly.

  “Okay, Evander,” she shuddered, trying to compose herself.

  “Okay what? You keep trying to control your orgasm. Let me have it. I can always make you have another one.” I thrust hard inside of her and her pussy clenched again.

  “Fuck!”

  “Mmm, you make dirty words look so pretty, baby.”

  Thrust.

  Thrust.

  Thrust.

  “Oh my god!”

  “Tell me all these nasty, slippery orgasms belong to me. Mine.”

  “Yes, they’re yours. All yours.” Then she looked up at me with eyes so brown and lips so fucking full and said, “Come in me, Evander.”

  Kill. Switch.

  After a few staggered pumps deep inside her cunt, I unloaded. Maybe I was imagining things, but I could have sworn Xari came one last time.

  She was such a good girl.

  …

  SIXTEEN

  Knock. Knock. Knock.

  The sound had been pestering me for at least ten minutes. Okay, maybe not but I was sleeping and it was annoying so it seemed like an eternity.

  I snatched the heavy down duvet off my head and grumbled. Sunlight spilled directly into my fucking eyes. I wanted to hiss and run away like a vampire.

  “Daddy, have you seen Xari? She’s not in her room and I really need to talk to her.” Frankie’s voice dropkicked the sleepy haze from my mind. I was hurled back to reality and I remembered that I got drunk last night with Evander. We fucked like animals. He made me come so many times I lost count and then we both passed out.

  That had been our routine for the past week after I forced him to realize he was burying his passion and drowning himself in whiskey and regret every night. So far, I hadn’t fallen asleep in his bed but last night, I was drunk on dick and whiskey so it was unavoidable.

  Evander shot up in bed with red, sleep-hazed eyes and a confused expression stretching across his face. “Frankie? Give me a minute sweetheart.” He turned to me and bit his bottom lip at the sight of my naked body. The way that man looked at me set my body on fire but I didn’t have time to indulge in the burn.

  “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck,” I hissed under my breath.

  “Go…get in the closet or…”

  “Daddy, are you naked or something?” She sounded utterly appalled at the idea meanwhile in my mind…

  “Yeah, let me grab my robe.” He shuffled around and I made a mad dash for the closet. He glanced over his shoulder to make sure I was out of sight, then he opened the door. “What’s up, Frankie?”

  “I need to find Xari,” she said urgency tingeing her words.

  “Have you looked in the formal dining room? You know she likes to play Sunshine down there.” My heart stuttered when he called my harp by her name. He listened. He understood the bond I had with my harp.

  “No…I didn’t hear anything so I figured she was in her room. You know how she is about her beauty sleep.”

  “You’re right. Go check anyway,” he urged. I was grateful he managed to send her away so I could make a mad dash for my bedroom.

&nbs
p; I popped out of the closet and Evander leaned in for a kiss. “Take your ass to your bedroom.”

  “Going,” I smiled. My cheeks burned and ached as I rushed past him. Lately, all I’d been doing was smiling. Navy pointed it out after I told her I talked to Mom and Dad and told them I had a steady job and soon, I’d have a second when I started playing at events. She told me that if I kept fucking Evander like I was, then I’d fall in love and the smile would be permanent. I, of course, denied even breathing too hard in his direction and ignored everything else.

  Now, I was busy massaging my cheeks and skimming my fingertips along my jawline to relax the tense muscles in my face. All because Evander smiled and kissed me.

  That smile though…

  “Xari’s not down there, Dad. I need to talk to her,” Frankie’s panicked and tear-soaked voice sent alarm ripping through me. I poked my head out of the bedroom and called into the hallway.

  “I’m right here. What’s wrong?”

  “Oh my god…” Frankie rushed down the hall with round eyes and shaky hands. When she stepped inside my room, she shut the door and locked it. “Where were you?”

  “I was being nosey and checking out the other guest rooms. I didn’t even hear you come in looking for me.” I smoothed her wild curls back from her face and looked her over to make sure she wasn’t hurt. My heart raced against my tight chest worrying about her.

  “I woke up bleeding,” she said, glancing down to her crotch then back up at me.

  “Oh shit. Did you put on a pad like I showed you?”

  “Yeah, but I don’t know if I did it right. Can you look?” She swallowed and the muscles in her neck flexed. “Please, please don’t make this weird.”

  “Oh god,” I rubbed my forehead and groaned inwardly. I didn’t want to make Frankie self-conscious but looking at how another girl positioned her pad was not high on my list of fun things to do on the weekend.